the enchanted typewriter-第9部分

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for　all　it　was　worth。



〃Jim；〃　said　I；　as　I　approached　the　vacant　chair　in　which　he

sat　for　by　this　time　the　great　biographer　and　I　had　got　upon

terms　of　familiarity〃Jim；〃　said　I；　〃I've　got　a　very　gloomy

prospect　ahead　of　me。〃



〃Well；　why　not？〃　he　tapped　off。　〃Where　do　you　expect　to　have

your　gloomy　prospects？　They　can't　very　well　be　behind　you。〃



〃Humph！〃　said　I。　〃You　are　facetious　this　evening。〃



〃Not　at　all；〃　he　replied。　〃I　have　been　spending　the　day　with

my　old…time　boss；　Samuel　Johnson；　and　I　am　so　saturated　with

purism　that　I　hardly　know　where　I　am。　From　the　Johnsonian

point　of　view　you　have　expressed　yourself　ill〃



〃Well；　I　am　ill；〃　I　retorted。　〃I　don't　know　how　far　you　are

acquainted　with　home　life；　but　I　do　know　that　there　is　no

greater　homesickness　in　the　world　than　that　of　the　man　who　is

sick　of　home。〃



〃I　am　not　an　imitator；〃　said　Boswell；　〃but　I　must　imitate　you

to　the　extent　of　saying　humph！　I　quote　you；　and；　doing　so；

I　honor　you。　　But　really；　I　never　thought　you　could　be　sick

of　home；　as　you　put　ityou　who　are　so　happy　at　home　and　who

so　wildly　hate　being　away　from　home。〃



〃I'm　not　surprised　at　that；　my　dear　Boswell；〃　said　I。　〃But

you　are；　of　course；　familiar　with　the　phrase　'Stone　walls　do

not　a　prison　make？'〃



〃I've　heard　it；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Well；　there's　another　equally　valid　phrase　which　I　have　not

yet　heard　expressed　by　another；　and　it　is　this：　'Stone　walls

do　not　a　home　make。'〃



〃It　isn't　very　musical；　is　it？〃　said　he。



〃Not　very；〃　I　answered；　〃but　we　don't　all　live　magazine　lives；

do　we？　　We　have　occasionally　a　sentiment；　a　feeling；　out　of

which　we　do　not　try　'to　make　copy。'　It　is　undoubtedly　a　truth

which　I　have　not　yet　seen　voiced　by　any　modern　poet　of　my

acquaintance；　not　even　by　the　dead…baby　poets；　that　home　is

not　always　preferable　to　some　other　things。　At　any　rate；　it　is

my　feeling；　and　is　shortly　to　represent　my　condition。　My　home；

you　know。　It　has　its　walls　and　its　pictures；　and　its　thousand

and　one　comforts；　and　its　associations；　but　when　my　wife　and

my　children　are　away；　and　the　four　walls　do　not　re…echo　the

voices　of　the　children；　and　my　library　lacks　the　presence　of

madame；　it　ceases　truly　to　be　home；　and　if　I've　got　to　stay

here　during　the　month　of　August　alone　I　must　have　diversion；

else　I　shall　find　myself　as　badly　off　as　the　butterfly　man；

to　whom　a　vaudeville　exhibition　is　the　greatest　joy　in　life。〃



〃I　think　you　are　queer；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Well；　I　am　not；〃　said　I。　〃However　low　we　may　set　the　standard

of　man；　Mr。　B。〃and　I　called　him　Mr。　B。　instead　of　Jim；　because

I　wished　to　be　severe　and　yet　retain　the　basis　of　familiarity

〃however　low　we　may　set　the　standard　of　man；　I　think　man　as　a

rule　prefers　his　home　to　the　most　seductive　roof…garden　life

in　existence。〃



〃Wherefore？〃　said　he；　coldly。



〃Wherefore　my　home　about　to　become　unattractive　through

the　absence　of　my　boys　and　their　mother；　I　shall　need　some

extraordinary　diversion　to　accomplish　my　happiness。　Now　if　you

can　come　here；　why　can't　others？　Suppose　to…night　you　dash　off

on　the　machine　a　lot　of　invitations　to　the　pleasantest　people

in　Hades　to　come　up　here　with　you　and　have　an　evening　on　earth；

which　isn't　all　bad。〃



〃It's　a　scheme　and　a　half；〃　said　Boswell；　with　more　enthusiasm

than　I　had　expected。　〃I'll　do　it；　only　instead　of　trying　to

get　these　people　to　make　a　pilgrimage　to　your　shrine；　which

I　think　they　would　decline　to　doShakespeare；　for　instance；

wouldn't　give　a　tuppence　to　inspect　your　birthplace　as　you　have

inspected　hisI'll　institute　a　series　of　'Boswell's　Personally

Conducted　Pleasure　Parties；'　and　make　you　my　agent　here。　That；

you　see；　will　naturally　make　your　home　our　headquarters；　and

I　think　the　scheme　would　work　a　charm；　because　there　are　a

great　many　well…known　Stygians　who　are　curious　to　revisit　the

scenes　of　their　earlier　state；　but　who　are　timid　about　coming

on　their　own　responsibility。〃



〃I　see；〃　said　I。　〃Immortals　are　but　mortal　after　all；　with

all　the　timidity　and　weaknesses　of　mortality。　But　I　agree　to

the　proposition；　and　if　you　wish　it　I'll　prepare　to　give　them

a　rousing　old　time。〃



〃And　be　sure　to　show　them　something　characteristic；〃　said

Boswell。



〃I　will；〃　I　replied；　〃I　may　even　get　up　a　trolley…party

for　them。〃



〃I　don't　know　what　a　trolley…party　is；　but　it　sounds　well；〃　said

Boswell；　〃and　I'll　advertise　the　enterprise　at　once。　'Boswell's

Personally　Conducted　Pleasure　Parties。　First　Series；　No。　1。

Trolleying　Through　Hoboken。　For　the　Round　Trip；　Four　Dollars。

Supper　and　All　Expenses　Included。　No　Tips。　Extra　Lady's　Ticket；

One　Dollar。'〃



〃Hold　on！〃　I　cried。　〃That　can't　be。　These　affairs　will　really

have　to　be　stag…partieswith　my　wife　away；　you　know。〃



〃Not　if　we　secure　a　suitable　chaperon；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Anyhow！〃　said　I；　with　great　positiveness。　〃You　don't　suppose

that　in　the　absence　of　my　family　I'm　going　to　have　my　neighbors

see　me　cavorting　about　the　country　on　a　trolley…car　full　of

queens　and　duchesses　and　other　females　of　all　ages？　Not　a　bit

of　it；　my　dear　James。　I'm　not　a　strictly　conventional　person；

but　there　are　some　points　between　which　I　draw　lines。　I've

got　to　live　on　this　earth　for　a　little　while　yet；　and　until

I　leave　it　I　must　be　guided　more　or　less　in　what　I　do　by　what

the　world　approves　or　disapproves。〃



〃Very　well；〃　Boswell　answered。　〃I　suppose　you　are　right；

but　in　the　autumn；　when　your　family　has　returned〃



〃We　can　discuss　the　matter　again；〃　said　I；　resolved　to　put

off　the　question　for　as　long　a　time　as　I　could；　for　I　candidly

confess　that　I　had　no　wish　to　make　myself　responsible　for　the

welfare　of　such　Stygian　ladies　as　might　avail　themselves　of

the　opportunity　to　go　off　on　one　of　Boswell's　tours。　〃Show

the　value　and　beauties　of　your　plan　to　the　influential　men

of　Hades　first；　my　dear　Boswell；〃　I　added；　〃and　then　if　they

choose　they　can　come　again　and　bring　their　wives　with　them　on

their　own　responsibility。〃



〃I　fancy　that　is　the　best　plan；　but　we　ought　to　have　some

variety　in　these　tours；〃　he　replied。　〃A　trolley…party；　however

successful；　would　not　make　a　great　season　for　an　entertainment

bureau；　would　it？〃



〃No；　indeed；〃　said　I。　〃You　are　perfectly　right　about　that。　What

you　want　is　one　function　a　week　during　the　summer　season。　Open

with　the　trolley…party　as　No。　1　of　your　first　series。　Follow

this　with　'An　Evening　of　Vaudeville：　The　Grand　Tour　of　the

Roof　Gardens。'　　After　that　have　a　'Sunday　at　the　Sea…sideSurf

Bathing；　Summer　Girls　and　Sand。'　That　would　make　a　mighty

attractive　line　for　your　advertisement。〃



〃Magnificent。　I　don't　see　why　you　don't　give　up　poetry　and

magazine　work　and　get　a　position　as　poster…writer　for　a　circus。

You　are　only　a　mediocre　magazinist；　but　in　the　poster　business

you'd　be　a　genius。〃



This　was　tapped　off　with　such　manifest　sincerity　that　I　could

not　take　offence；　so　I　thanked　him　and　resumed。



〃The　grand　finale　of　your　first　series　might　be　'A　Tandem

Scorch：　A　Century　Run　on　a　Bicycle　Built　for　Two　Hundred！'〃



〃Magnificent！〃　cried　Boswell；　with　such　enthusiasm　that

I　feared　he　would　smash　the　machine。　〃I'll　devote　a　whole

page　of　my　Sunday　issue　to　the　prospectusbut；　to　return

to　the　woman　question；　we　ought　really　to　have　something　to

announce　for　them。　　Hades　hath　no　fury　like　a　woman　scorned；

and　I　can't　afford　to　scorn　the　sex。　You　needn't　have　anything

to　do　with　them　if　you　don't　want　toonly　tell　me　something

I　can　announce；　and　I'll　make　Henry　the　Eighth　solid　again　by

putting　that　branch　of　the　enterprise　in　his　wives'　hands。　In

that　way　I'll　kill　two　birds　with　one　stone。〃



〃That's　all　very　well；　Boswell；　but　I'm　afraid　I　can't；〃

said　I。　　〃It's　hard　enough　to　know　how　to　please　a　mortal

woman　without　attempting　to　get　up　a　series　of　picnics　for　the

rather　miscellaneous　assortment　of　ladies　who　form　your　social

structure　below。　All　men　are　alike；　and　man's　pleasures　in　all

times　have　been　generally　the　same；　but　every　woman　is　unique。　I

never　knew　two　who　were　alike；　and　if　it's　all　the　same　to　you

I'd　rather　you　left　me　out　of　your　ladies'　tours　altogether。　Of

course　I　know　that　even　the　Queen　of　Sheba　would　enjoy　a　visit

to　a　Monday　sale　at　one　of　our　big　department　stores；　and　I

am　quite　as　well　aware　that　nine　out　of　ten　women　in　Hades　or

out　of　it　would　enjoy　the　millinery　exhibition　at　the　opera

matineeand　if　these　two　ideas　impress　you　at　all　you　are

welcome　to　them　but　beyond　this　I　have　nothing　to　suggest。〃



〃Well；　I'm　sure　those　two　ideas　are　worth　a　great　deal；〃

returned　Boswell；　making　a　note　of　them；　〃I　shall　announce

four　trips　to　Monday　sales〃



〃Call　'em　'To　Bargaindale　and　Back：　The　Great　Marked…down　Tour；'

and　be　sure　you　add；　'For　Able…bodied　Women　Only。　No　Tickets

Issued　Except　on　Recommendation　of　your　Family　Physician。'　This

is　especially　important；　for　next　to　a　war　or　a　football　match

there's　nothing　that　I　know　of　that　is　quite　so　dangerous　to

the　participants　as　a　bargain　day。〃



〃I'll　bear　what　you　say　in　mind；〃　quoth　Boswell；　and　he　made

a　note　of　my　injunction。　〃And　immediately　upon　my　return　to

Hades　I　will　request　an　audience　with　Henry's　queens；　and

ask　them　to　devise　a　number　of　other　tours　likely　to　prove

profitable　and　popular。〃



Shortly　after　my　visitor　departed　and　I　retired。　The　next　day　my

family　deserted　me　and　went　to　the　mountains；　and　all　my　fears

as　to　the　inordinate　sense　of　loneliness　which　was　to　be　my　lot

were　realized。　Even　Boswell　neglected　me　apparently　for　a　week。

I　went　to　my　desk　daily　and　returned　at　night　hoping　that

my　type…writer　would　bring　forth　something　of　an　interesting

nature；　but　naught　other　than　disappointment　awaited　me。　For

a　whole　blessed　week　I　was　thrown　back　upon　the　society　of　my

neighbors　for　diversion。　The　type…writer　gave　no　sign　of　being。



Little　did　I　guess　that