reminiscences of tolstoy-第10部分

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I　still　have　some　of　his　letters　written　at　that　time。　　Here　are　two：


I　had　just　written　you；　my　dear　friend　Ilya；　a　letter　that　was　true　to　my　own　feelings；　but；　I　am　afraid；　unjust；　and　I　am　not　sending　it。　　I　said　unpleasant　things　in　it；　but　I　have　no　right　to　do　so。　　I　do　not　know　you　as　I　should　like　to　and　as　I　ought　to　know　you。　　That　is　my　fault。　　And　I　wish　to　remedy　it。　　I　know　much　in　you　that　I　do　not　like；　but　I　do　not　know　everything。　As　for　your　proposed　journey　home；　I　think　that　in　your　position　of　student；　not　only　student　of　a　gymnase；　but　at　the　age　of　study；　it　is　better　to　gad　about　as　little　as　possible；　moreover；　all　useless　expenditure　of　money　that　you　can　easily　refrain　from　is　immoral；　in　my　opinion；　and　in　yours；　too；　if　you　only　consider　it。　If　you　come；　I　shall　be　glad　for　my　own　sake；　so　long　as　you　are　not　inseparable　from　G。

Do　as　you　think　best。　　But　you　must　work；　both　with　your　head；　thinking　and　reading；　and　with　your　heart；　that　is；　find　out　for　yourself　what　is　really　good　and　what　is　bad；　although　it　seems　to　be　good。　　I　kiss　you。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　L。　T。

Dear　Friend　Ilya：

There　is　always　somebody　or　something　that　prevents　me　from　answering　your　two　letters；　which　are　important　and　dear　to　me；　especially　the　last。　　First　it　was　Baturlin；　　then　bad　health；　insomnia；　then　the　arrival　of　D；　the　friend　of　H　that　I　wrote　you　about。　　He　is　sitting　at　tea　talking　to　the　ladies；　neither　understanding　the　other；　so　I　left　them；　and　want　to　write　what　little　I　can　of　all　that　I　think　about　you。

Even　supposing　that　S　A　demands　too　much　of　you；　＇19＇　there　is　no　harm　in　waiting；　especially　from　the　point　of　view　of　fortifying　your　opinions；　your　faith。　　That　is　the　one　important　thing。　　If　you　don't；　it　is　a　fearful　disaster　to　put　off　from　one　shore　and　not　reach　the　other。

＇19＇　I　had　written　to　my　father　that　my　fiancee's　mother　would　not　let　me　marry　for　two　years。


The　one　shore　is　an　honest　and　good　life；　for　your　own　delight　and　the　profit　of　others。　　But　there　is　a　bad　life；　tooa　life　so　sugared；　so　common　to　all；　that　if　you　follow　it；　you　do　not　notice　that　it　is　a　bad　life；　and　suffer　only　in　your　conscience；　if　you　have　one；　but　if　you　leave　it；　and　do　not　reach　the　real　shore；　you　will　be　made　miserable　by　solitude　and　by　the　reproach　of　having　deserted　your　fellows；　and　you　will　be　ashamed。　　In　short；　I　want　to　say　that　it　is　out　of　the　question　to　want　to　be　rather　good；　it　is　out　of　the　question　to　jump　into　the　water　unless　you　know　how　to　swim。　　One　must　be　truthful　and　wish　to　be　good　with　all　one's　might；　too。　　Do　you　feel　this　in　you？　　The　drift　of　what　I　say　is　that　we　all　know　what　PRINCESS　MARYA　ALEXEVNA　＇20＇　verdict　about　your　marriage　would　be：　that　if　young　people　marry　without　a　sufficient　fortune；　it　means　children；　poverty；　getting　tired　of　each　other　in　a　year　or　two；　in　ten　years；　quarrels；　wanthell。　　And　in　all　this　PRINCESS　MARYA　ALEXEVNA　is　perfectly　right　and　plays　the　true　prophet；　unless　these　young　people　who　are　getting　married　have　another　purpose；　their　one　and　only　one；　unknown　to　PRINCESS　MARYA　ALEXEVNA；　and　that　not　a　brainish　purpose；　not　one　recognized　by　the　intellect；　but　one　that　gives　life　its　color　and　the　attainment　of　which　is　more　moving　than　any　other。　　If　you　have　this；　good；　marry　at　once；　and　give　the　lie　to　PRINCESS　MARYA　ALEXEVNA。　　If　not；　it　is　a　hundred　to　one　that　your　marriage　will　lead　to　nothing　but　misery。　　I　am　speaking　to　you　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart。　Receive　my　words　into　the　bottom　of　yours；　and　weigh　them　well。　Besides　love　for　you　as　a　son；　I　have　love　for　you　also　as　a　man　standing　at　the　cross…ways。　　I　kiss　you　and　Lyolya　and　Noletchka　and　Seryozha；　if　he　is　back。　　We　are　all　alive　and　well。

＇20＇　My　father　took　Griboyehof's　PRINCESS　MARYA　ALEXEVNA　as　a　type。　　The　allusion　here　is　to　the　last　words　of　Griboyehof's　famous　comedy；　〃The　Misfortune　of　Cleverness；〃　〃What　will　PRINCESS　MARYA　ALEXEVNA　say？〃


The　following　letter　belongs　to　the　same　period：


Your　letter　to　Tanya　has　arrived；　my　dear　friend　Ilya；　and　I　see　that　you　are　still　advancing　toward　that　purpose　which　you　set　up　for　yourself；　and　I　want　to　write　to　you　and　to　herfor　no　doubt　you　tell　her　everythingwhat　I　think　about　it。　　Well；　I　think　about　it　a　great　deal；　with　joy　and　with　fear　mixed。　　This　is　what　I　think。　　If　one　marries　in　order　to　enjoy　oneself　more；　no　good　will　ever　come　of　it。　　To　set　up　as　one's　main　object；　ousting　everything　else；　marriage；　union　with　the　being　you　love；　is　a　great　mistake。　　And　an　obvious　one；　if　you　think　about　it。　　Object；　marriage。　　Well；　you　marry；　and　what　then？　If　you　had　no　other　object　in　life　before　your　marriage；　it　will　be　twice　as　hard　to　find　one。

As　a　rule；　people　who　are　getting　married　completely　forget　this。

So　many　joyful　events　await　them　in　the　future；　in　wedlock　and　the　arrival　of　children；　that　those　events　seem　to　constitute　life　itself。　　But　this　is　indeed　a　dangerous　illusion。

If　parents　merely　live　from　day　to　day；　begetting　children；　and　have　no　purpose　in　life；　they　are　only　putting　off　the　question　of　the　purpose　of　life　and　that　punishment　which　is　allotted　to　people　who　live　without　knowing　why；　they　are　only　putting　it　off　and　not　escaping　it；　because　they　will　have　to　bring　up　their　children　and　guide　their　steps；　but　they　will　have　nothing　to　guide　them　by。　　And　then　the　parents　lose　their　human　qualities　and　the　happiness　which　depends　on　the　possession　of　them；　and　turn　into　mere　breeding　cattle。

That　is　why　I　say　that　people　who　are　proposing　to　marry　because　their　life　SEEMS　to　them　to　be　full　must　more　than　ever　set　themselves　to　think　and　make　clear　to　their　own　minds　for　the　sake　of　what　each　of　them　lives。

And　in　order　to　make　this　clear；　you　must　consider　the　circumstances　in　which　you　live；　your　past。　　Reckon　up　what　you　consider　　important　and　what　unimportant　in　life。　　Find　　out　what　you　believe　in；　that　is；　what　you　look　on　as　eternal　and　immutable　truth；　and　what　you　will　take　for　your　guide　in　life。　　And　not　only　find　out；　but　make　clear　to　your　own　mind；　and　try　to　practise　or　to　learn　to　practise　in　your　daily　life；　because　until　you　practise　what　you　believe　you　cannot　tell　whether　you　believe　it　or　not。

I　know　your　faith；　and　that　faith；　or　those　sides　of　it　which　can　be　expressed　in　deeds；　you　must　now　more　than　ever　make　clear　to　your　own　mind；　by　putting　them　into　practice。

Your　faith　is　that　your　welfare　consists　in　loving　people　and　being　loved　by　them。　　For　the　attainment　of　this　end　I　know　of　three　lines　of　action　in　which　I　perpetually　exercise　myself；　in　which　one　can　never　exercise　oneself　enough　and　which　are　specially　necessary　to　you　now。

First；　in　order　to　be　able　to　love　people　and　to　be　loved　by　them；　one　must　accustom　oneself　to　expect　as　little　as　possible　from　them；　and　that　is　very　hard　work；　for　if　I　expect　much；　and　　am　often　disappointed；　I　am　inclined　rather　to　reproach　them　than　to　love　them。

Second；　in　order　to　love　people　not　in　words；　but　in　deed；　one　must　train　oneself　to　do　what　benefits　them。　　That　needs　still　harder　work；　especially　at　your　age；　when　it　is　one's　natural　business　to　be　studying。

Third；　in　order　to　love　people　and　to　b。　l。　b。　t。；　＇21＇　one　must　train　oneself　to　gentleness；　humility；　the　art　of　bearing　with　disagreeable　people　and　things；　the　art　of　behaving　to　them　so　as　not　to　offend　any　one；　of　being　able　to　choose　the　least　offense。　And　this　is　the　hardest　work　of　allwork　that　never　ceases　from　the　time　you　wake　till　the　time　you　go　to　sleep；　and　the　most　joyful　work　of　all；　because　day　after　day　you　rejoice　in　your　growing　success　in　it；　and　receive　a　further　reward；　unperceived　at　first；　but　very　joyful　after；　in　being　loved　by　others。


　＇21＇　Be　loved　by　them。


So　I　advise　you；　Friend　Ilya；　and　both　of　you；　to　live　and　to　think　as　sincerely　as　you　can；　because　it　is　the　only　way　you　can　discover　if　you　are　really　going　along　the　same　road；　and　whether　it　is　wise　to　join　hands　or　not；　and　at　the　same　time；　if　you　are　sincere；　you　must　be　making　your　future　ready。

Your　purpose　in　life　must　not　be　the　joy　of　wedlock；　but；　by　your　life　to　bring　more　love　and　truth　into　the　world。　　The　object　of　marriage　is　to　help　one　another　in　the　attainment　of　that　purpose。

The　vilest　and　most　selfish　life　is　the　life　of　the　people　who　have　joined　together　only　in　order　to　enjoy　life；　and　the　highest　vocation　in　the　world　is　that　of　those　who　live　in　order　to　serve　God　by　bringing　good　into　the　world；　and　who　have　joined　together　for　that　very　purpose。　　Don't　mistake　half…measures　for　the　real　thing。　　Why　should　a　man　not　choose　the　highest？　　Only　when　you　have　chosen　the　highest；　you　must　set　your　whole　heart　on　it；　and　not　just　a　little。　　Just　a　little　leads　to　nothing。　　There；　I　am　tired　of　writing；　and　still　have　much　left　that　I　wanted　to　say。　　I　kiss　you。



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　HELP　FOR　THE　FAMINE…STRICKEN

AFTER　my　father　had　come　to　the　conclusion　that　it　was　not　only　useless　to　help　people　with　money；　but　immoral；　the　part　he　took　in　distributing　food　among　the　peasants　during　the　famines　of　1890；　1891；　and　1898　may　seem　to　have　shown　inconsistency　and　contradiction　of　thought。

〃If　a　horseman　sees　that　his　horse　is　tired　out；　he　must　not　remain　seated　on　its　back　and　hold　up　its　head；　but　simply　get　off；〃　he　used　to　say；　condemning　all　the　charities　of　the　well…fed　　people　who　sit　on　the　back　of　the　working　classes；　continue　to　enjoy　all　the　benefits　of　their　privileged　position；　and　merely　give　from　their　superfluity。

He　did　not　believe　in　the　good　of　such　charity　and　considered　it　a　form　of　self…hallucination；　all　the　more　harmful　because　people　thereby　acquire　a　sort　of　moral　right　to　continue　that　idle；　aristocratic　life　and　get　to　go　on　increasing　the　poverty　of　the　people。

In　the　autumn　of　1890　my　father　thought　of　writing　an　article　on　the　famine；　which　had　then　spread　over　nearly　all　Russia。

Although　from　the　newspapers　and　from　the　accounts　brought　by　those　who　came　from　the　famine…stricken　parts　he　already　knew　about　the　extent　of　the　peasantry's　disaster；　nevertheless；　when　his　old　friend　Ivanovitch　Rayovsky