reminiscences of tolstoy-第11部分

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ky　called　on　him　at　Yasnaya　Polyana　and　proposed　that　he　should　drive　through　to　the　Dankovski　　District　with　him　in　order　to　see　the　state　of　things　in　the　villages　for　himself；　he　readily　agreed；　and　went　with　him　to　his　property　at　Begitchovka。

He　went　there　with　the　intention　of　staying　only　for　a　day　or　two；　but　when　he　saw　what　a　call　there　was　for　immediate　measures；　he　at　once　set　to　work　to　help　Rayovsky；　who　had　already　instituted　several　kitchens　in　the　villages；　in　relieving　the　distress　of　the　peasantry；　at　first　on　a　small　scale；　and　then；　when　big　subscriptions　began　to　pour　in　from　every　side；　on　a　continually　increasing　one。　　The　upshot　of　it　was　that　he　devoted　two　whole　years　of　his　life　to　the　work。

It　is　wrong　to　think　that　my　father　showed　any　inconsistency　in　this　matter。　　He　did　not　delude　himself　for　a　moment　into　thinking　he　was　engaged　on　a　virtuous　and　momentous　task；　but　when　he　saw　the　sufferings　of　the　people；　he　simply　could　not　bear　to　go　on　living　comfortably　at　Yasnaya　or　in　Moscow　any　longer；　but　had　to　go　out　and　help　in　order　to　relieve　his　own　feelings。　Once　he　wrote：


There　is　much　about　it　that　is　not　what　it　ought　to　be；　there　is　S。　A。's　money　＇22＇　and　the　subscriptions；　there　is　the　relation　of　those　who　feed　and　those　who　are　fed。　　　THERE　IS　SIN　WITHOUT　END；　but　I　cannot　stay　at　home　and　write。　　I　feel　the　necessity　of　taking　part　in　it；　of　doing　something。

＇22＇　His　wife's。


Six　years　later　I　worked　again　at　the　same　job　with　my　father　in　Tchornski　and　Mtsenski　districts。

After　the　bad　crops　of　the　two　preceding　years　it　became　clear　by　the　beginning　of　the　winter　of　1898　that　a　new　famine　was　approaching　in　our　neighborhood；　and　that　charitable　assistance　to　the　peasantry　would　be　needed。　　I　turned　to　my　father　for　help。　　By　the　spring　he　had　managed　to　collect　some　money；　and　at　the　beginning　of　April　he　came　himself　to　see　me。

I　must　say　that　my　father；　who　was　very　economical　by　nature；　was　extraordinarily　cautious　and；　I　may　say；　even　parsimonious　in　charitable　matters。　　It　is　of　course　easy　to　understand；　if　one　considers　the　unlimited　confidence　which　he　enjoyed　among　the　subscribers　and　the　great　moral　responsibility　which　he　could　not　but　feel　toward　them。　　So　that　before　undertaking　anything　he　had　himself　to　be　fully　convinced　of　the　necessity　of　giving　aid。

The　day　after　his　arrival；　we　saddled　a　couple　of　horses　and　rode　out。　　We　rode　as　we　had　ridden　together　twenty　years　before；　when　we　went　out　coursing　with　our　greyhounds；　that　is；　across　country；　over　the　fields。

It　was　all　the　same　to　me　which　way　we　rode；　as　I　believed　that　all　the　neighboring　villages　were　equally　distressed；　and　my　father；　for　the　sake　of　old　memories；　wanted　to　revisit　Spasskoye　Lyutovinovo；　which　was　only　six　miles　from　me；　and　where　he　had　not　been　since　Turgenieff's　death。　　On　the　way　there　I　remember　he　told　me　all　about　Turgenieff's　mother；　who　was　famous　through　all　the　neighborhood　for　her　remarkable　intelligence；　energy；　and　craziness。　　I　do　not　know　that　he　ever　saw　her　himself；　or　whether　he　was　telling　me　only　the　reports　that　he　had　heard。

As　we　rode　across　the　Turgenieff's　park；　he　recalled　in　passing　how　of　old　he　and　Ivan　Sergeyevitch　had　disputed　which　park　was　best；　Spasskoye　or　Yasnaya　Polyana。　　I　asked　him：

〃And　now　which　do　you　think？〃

〃Yasnaya　Polyana　IS　the　best；　though　this　is　very　fine；　very　fine　indeed。〃

In　the　village　we　visited　the　head…man's　and　two　or　three　other　cottages；　and　came　away　disappointed。　　There　was　no　famine。

The　peasants；　who　had　been　endowed　at　the　emancipation　with　a　full　share　of　good　land；　and　had　enriched　themselves　since　by　wage…earnings；　were　hardly　in　want　at　all。　　It　is　true　that　some　of　the　yards　were　badly　stocked；　but　there　was　none　of　that　acute　degree　of　want　which　amounts　to　famine　and　which　strikes　the　eye　at　once。

I　even　remember　my　father　reproaching　me　a　little　for　having　sounded　the　alarm　when　there　was　no　sufficient　cause　for　it；　and　for　a　little　while　I　felt　rather　ashamed　and　awkward　before　him。

Of　course　when　he　talked　to　the　peasants　he　asked　each　of　them　if　he　remembered　Turgenieff　and　eagerly　picked　up　anything　they　had　to　say　about　him。　　Some　of　the　old　men　remembered　him　and　spoke　of　him　with　great　affection。



　　　　　　　　　　　MY　FATHER'S　ILLNESS　IN　THE　CRIMEA

IN　the　autumn　of　1901　my　father　was　attacked　by　persistent　feverishness；　and　the　doctors　advised　him　to　spend　the　winter　in　the　Crimea。　　Countess　Panina　kindly　lent　him　her　Villa　Gaspra；　near　Koreiz；　and　he　spent　the　winter　there。

Soon　after　his　arrival；　he　caught　cold　and　had　two　illnesses　one　after　the　other；　enteric　fever　and　inflammation　of　the　lungs。　At　one　time　his　condition　was　so　bad　that　the　doctors　had　hardly　any　hope　that　he　would　ever　rise　from　his　bed　again。　　Despite　the　fact　that　his　temperature　went　up　very　high；　he　was　conscious　all　the　time；　he　dictated　some　reflections　every　day；　and　deliberately　prepared　for　death。

The　whole　family　was　with　him；　and　we　all　took　turns　in　helping　to　nurse　him。　　I　look　back　with　pleasure　on　the　nights　when　it　fell　to　me　to　be　on　duty　by　him；　and　I　sat　in　the　balcony　by　the　open　window；　listening　to　his　breathing　and　every　sound　in　his　room。　　My　chief　duty；　as　the　strongest　of　the　family；　was　to　lift　him　up　while　the　sheets　were　being　changed。　　When　they　were　making　the　bed；　I　had　to　hold　him　in　my　arms　like　a　child。

I　remember　how　my　muscles　quivered　one　day　with　the　exertion。　He　looked　at　me　with　astonishment　and　said：

〃You　surely　don't　find　me　heavy？　　What　nonsense！〃

I　thought　of　the　day　when　he　had　given　me　a　bad　time　at　riding　in　the　woods　as　a　boy；　and　kept　asking；　〃You're　not　tired？〃

Another　time　during　the　same　illness　he　wanted　me　to　carry　him　down…stairs　in　my　arms　by　the　winding　stone　staircase。

〃Pick　me　up　as　they　do　a　baby　and　carry　me。〃

He　had　not　a　grain　of　fear　that　I　might　stumble　and　kill　him。　It　was　all　I　could　do　to　insist　on　his　being　carried　down　in　an　arm…chair　by　three　of　us。

Was　my　father　afraid　of　death？

It　is　impossible　to　answer　the　question　in　one　word。　　With　his　tough　constitution　and　physical　strength；　he　always　instinctively　fought　not　only　against　death；　but　against　old　age。　　Till　the　last　year　of　his　life　he　never　gave　in；　but　always　did　everything　for　himself　and　even　rode　on　horseback。

To　suppose；　therefore；　that　he　had　no　instinctive　fear　of　death　is　out　of　the　question。　　He　had　that　fear；　and　in　a　very　high　degree；　but　he　was　constantly　fighting　to　overcome　it。

Did　he　succeed？

I　can　answer　definitely　yes。　　During　his　illness　he　talked　a　great　deal　of　death　and　prepared　himself　for　it　firmly　and　deliberately。　　When　he　felt　that　he　was　getting　weaker；　he　wished　to　say　good…by　to　everybody；　and　he　called　us　all　separately　to　his　bedside；　one　after　the　other；　and　gave　his　last　words　of　advice　to　each。　　He　was　so　weak　that　he　spoke　in　a　half…whisper；　and　when　he　had　said　good…by　to　one；　he　had　to　rest　for　a　while　and　collect　his　strength　for　the　rest。

When　my　turn　came；　he　said　as　nearly　as　I　can　remember：

〃You　are　still　young　and　strong　and　tossed　by　storms　of　passion。　　You　have　not　therefore　yet　been　able　to　think　over　the　chief　questions　of　life。　　But　this　stage　will　pass。　　I　am　sure　of　it。　　When　the　time　comes；　believe　me；　you　will　find　the　truth　in　the　teachings　of　the　Gospel。　　I　am　dying　peacefully　simply　because　I　have　come　to　know　that　teaching　and　believe　in　it。　　May　God　grant　you　this　knowledge　soon！　　Good…by。〃

I　kissed　his　hand　and　left　the　room　quietly。　　When　I　got　to　the　front　door；　I　rushed　to　a　lonely　stone　tower；　and　there　sobbed　my　heart　out　in　the　darkness　like　a　child。　　Looking　round　at　last；　I　saw　that　some　one　else　was　sitting　on　the　staircase　near　me；　also　crying。

So　I　said　farewell　to　my　father　years　before　his　death；　and　the　memory　of　it　is　dear　to　me；　for　I　know　that　if　I　had　seen　him　before　his　death　at　Astapova　he　would　have　said　just　the　same　to　me。

To　return　to　the　question　of　death；　I　will　say　that　so　far　from　being　afraid　of　it；　in　his　last　days　he　often　desired　it；　he　was　more　interested　in　it　than　afraid　of　it。　　This　〃greatest　of　mysteries〃　interested　him　to　such　a　degree　that　his　interest　came　near　to　love。　　How　eagerly　he　listened　to　accounts　of　the　death　of　his　friends；　Turgenieff；　Gay；　Leskof；　＇23＇　Zhemtchuzhnikof　＇24＇；　and　others！　　He　inquired　after　the　smallest　matters；　no　detail；　however　trifling　in　appearance；　was　without　its　interest　and　importance　to　him。

＇23＇　A　novelist；　died　1895。

＇24＇　One　of　the　authors　of　〃Junker　Schmidt。〃


His　〃Circle　of　Reading；〃　November　7；　the　day　he　died；　is　devoted　entirely　to　thoughts　on　death。

〃Life　is　a　dream；　death　is　an　awakening；〃　he　wrote；　while　in　expectation　of　that　awakening。

Apropos　of　the　〃Circle　of　Reading；〃　I　cannot　refrain　from　relating　a　characteristic　incident　which　I　was　told　by　one　of　my　sisters。

When　my　father　had　made　up　his　mind　to　compile　that　collection　of　the　sayings　of　the　wise；　to　which　he　gave　the　name　of　〃Circle　of　Reading；〃　he　told　one　of　his　friends　about　it。

A　few　days　afterward　this　friend　came　to　see　him　again；　and　at　once　told　him　that　he　and　his　wife　had　been　thinking　over　his　scheme　for　the　new　book　and　had　come　to　the　conclusion　that　he　ought　to　call　it　〃For　Every　Day；〃　instead　of　〃Circle　of　Reading。〃

To　this　my　father　replied　that　he　preferred　the　title　〃Circle　of　Reading〃　because　the　word　〃circle〃　suggested　the　idea　of　continuous　reading；　which　was　what　he　meant　to　express　by　the　title。

Half　an　hour　later　the　friend　came　across　the　room　to　him　and　repeated　exactly　the　same　remark　again。　　This　time　my　father　made　no　reply。　　In　the　evening；　when　the　friend　was　preparing　to　go　home；　as　he　was　saying　good…by　to　my　father；　he　held　his　hand　in　his　and　began　once　more：

〃Still；　I　must　tell　you；　Lyoff　Nikolaievich；　that　I　and　my　wife　have　been　thinking　it　over；　and　we　have　come　to　the　conclusion；〃　and　so　on；　word　for　word　the　same。

〃No；　no；　I　want　to　dieto　die　as　soon　as　possible；〃　groaned　my　father　when　he　had　seen　the　friend　off。

〃Isn't　it　all　the　same　whether　it's　'Circle　of　Reading'　or　'For　Every　Day'？　　No；　it's　time　for　me　to　die：　I　cannot　live　like　this　any