reminiscences of tolstoy-第13部分

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〃There　would　have　been　no　harm　in　YOUR　seeing　it；〃　said　my　father；　as　he　took　it　back。

This　little　diary　in　which　he　wrote　down　his　most　secret　thoughts　and　prayers　was　kept　〃for　himself　alone；〃　and　he　never　showed　it　to　any　one。　　I　saw　it　after　my　father's　death。　　It　is　impossible　to　read　it　without　tears。

It　is　curious　that　the　sudden　decay　of　my　father's　memory　displayed　itself　only　in　the　matter　of　real　facts　and　people。　　He　was　entirely　unaffected　in　his　literary　work；　and　everything　that　he　wrote　down　to　the　last　days　of　his　life　is　marked　by　his　characteristic　logicalness　and　force。　　It　may　be　that　the　reason　he　forgot　the　details　of　real　life　was　because　he　was　too　deeply　absorbed　in　his　abstract　work。

My　wife　was　at　Yasnaya　Polyana　in　October；　and　when　she　came　home　she　told　me　that　there　was　something　wrong　there。　　〃Your　mother　is　nervous　and　hysterical；　your　father　is　in　a　silent　and　gloomy　frame　of　mind。〃

I　was　very　busy　with　my　office　work；　but　made　up　my　mind　to　devote　my　first　free　day　to　going　and　seeing　my　father　and　mother。

When　I　got　to　Yasnaya；　my　father　had　already　left　it。

I　paid　Aunt　Masha　a　visit　some　little　time　after　my　father's　funeral。　　We　sat　together　in　her　comfortable　little　cell；　and　she　repeated　to　me　once　more　in　detail　the　oft…repeated　story　of　my　father's　last　visit　to　her。

〃He　sat　in　that　very　arm…chair　where　you　are　sitting　now；　and　how　he　cried！〃　she　said。

〃When　Sasha　arrived　with　her　girl　friend；　they　set　to　work　studying　this　map　of　Russia　and　planning　out　a　route　to　the　Caucasus。　　Lyovotchka　sat　there　thoughtful　and　melancholy。

〃'Never　mind；　Papa；　it'll　be　all　right；'　said　Sasha；　trying　to　encourage　him。

〃'Ah；　you　women；　you　women！'　answered　her　father；　bitterly。　'How　can　it　ever　be　all　right？'

〃I　so　much　hoped　that　he　would　settle　down　here；　it　would　just　have　suited　him。　　And　it　was　his　own　idea；　too；　he　had　even　taken　a　cottage　in　the　village；〃　Aunt　Masha　sadly　recalled。

〃When　he　left　me　to　go　back　to　the　hotel　where　he　was　staying；　it　seemed　to　me　that　he　was　rather　calmer。

〃When　he　said　good…by；　he　even　made　some　joke　about　his　having　come　to　the　wrong　door。

〃I　certainly　would　never　have　imagined　that　he　would　go　away　again　that　same　night。〃

It　was　a　grievous　trial　for　Aunt　Masha　when　the　old　confessor　Iosif；　who　was　her　spiritual　director；　forbade　her　to　pray　for　her　dead　brother　because　he　had　been　excommunicated。　　She　was　too　broad…minded　to　be　able　to　reconcile　herself　to　the　harsh　intolerance　of　the　church；　and　for　a　time　she　was　honestly　indignant。　　Another　priest　to　whom　she　applied　also　refused　her　request。

Marya　Nikolayevna　could　not　bring　herself　to　disobey　her　spiritual　fathers；　but　at　the　same　time　she　felt　that　she　was　not　really　obeying　their　injunction；　for　she　prayed　for　him　all　the　same；　in　thought；　if　not　in　words。

There　is　no　knowing　how　her　internal　discord　would　have　ended　if　her　father　confessor；　evidently　understanding　the　moral　torment　she　was　suffering；　had　not　given　her　permission　to　pray　for　her　brother；　but　only　in　her　cell　and　in　solitude；　so　as　not　to　lead　others　astray。



　　　　　　　　　　　　　MY　FATHER'S　WILL。　　CONCLUSION

ALTHOUGH　my　father　had　long　since　renounced　the　copyright　in　all　his　works　written　after　1883；　and　although；　after　having　made　all　his　real　estate　over　to　his　children；　he　had；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　no　property　left；　still　he　could　not　but　be　aware　that　his　life　was　far　from　corresponding　to　his　principles；　and　this　consciousness　perpetually　preyed　upon　his　mind。　　One　has　only　to　read　some　of　his　posthumous　works　attentively　to　see　that　the　idea　of　leaving　home　and　radically　altering　his　whole　way　of　life　had　presented　itself　to　him　long　since　and　was　a　continual　temptation　to　him。

This　was　the　cherished　dream　that　always　allured　him；　but　which　he　did　not　think　himself　justified　in　putting　into　practice。

The　life　of　the　Christian　must　be　a　〃reasonable　and　happy　life　IN　ALL　POSSIBLE　CIRCUMSTANCES；〃　he　used　to　say　as　he　struggled　with　the　temptation　to　go　away；　and　gave　up　his　own　soul　for　others。

I　remember　reading　in　Gusef's　memoirs　how　my　father　once；　in　conversation　with　Gusoryof；　the　peasant；　who　had　made　up　his　mind　to　leave　his　home　for　religious　reasons；　said；　〃My　life　is　a　hundred　thousand　times　more　loathsome　than　yours；　but　yet　I　cannot　leave　it。〃

I　shall　not　enumerate　all　the　letters　of　abuse　and　amazement　which　my　father　received　from　all　sides；　upbraiding　him　with　luxury；　with　inconsistency；　and　even　with　torturing　his　peasants。　It　is　easy　to　imagine　what　an　impression　they　made　on　him。

He　said　there　was　good　reason　to　revile　him；　he　called　their　abuse　〃a　bath　for　the　soul；〃　but　internally　he　suffered　from　the　〃bath；〃　and　saw　no　way　out　of　his　difficulties。　　He　bore　his　cross；　and　it　was　in　this　self…renunciation　that　his　power　consisted；　though　many　either　could　not　or　would　not　understand　it。　　He　alone；　despite　all　those　about　him；　knew　that　this　cross　was　laid　on　him　not　of　man；　but　of　God；　and　while　he　was　strong；　he　loved　his　burden　and　shared　it　with　none。

Just　as　thirty　years　before　he　had　been　haunted　by　the　temptation　to　suicide；　so　now　he　struggled　with　a　new　and　more　powerful　temptation；　that　of　flight。

A　few　days　before　he　left　Yasnaya　he　called　on　Marya　Alexandrovna　Schmidt　at　Ovsyanniki　and　confessed　to　her　that　he　wanted　to　go　away。

The　old　lady　held　up　her　hands　in　horror　and　said：

　〃Gracious　Heavens；　Lyoff　Nikolaievich；　have　you　come　to　such　a　pitch　of　weakness？〃

When　I　learned；　on　October　28；　1910；　that　my　father　had　left　Yasnaya；　the　same　idea　occurred　to　me；　and　I　even　put　it　into　words　in　a　letter　I　sent　to　him　at　Shamerdino　by　my　sister　Sasha。

I　did　not　know　at　the　time　about　certain　circumstances　which　have　since　made　a　great　deal　clear　to　me　that　was　obscure　before。

From　the　moment　of　my　father's　death　till　now　I　have　been　racking　my　brains　to　discover　what　could　have　given　him　the　impulse　to　take　that　last　step。　　What　power　could　compel　him　to　yield　in　the　struggle　in　which　he　had　held　firmly　and　tenaciously　for　many　years？　　What　was　the　last　drop；　the　last　grain　of　sand　that　turned　the　scales；　and　sent　him　forth　to　search　for　a　new　life　on　the　very　edge　of　the　grave？

Could　he　really　have　fled　from　home　because　the　wife　that　he　had　lived　with　for　forty…eight　years　had　developed　neurasthenia　and　at　one　time　showed　certain　abnormalities　characteristic　of　that　malady？　　Was　that　like　the　man　who　so　loved　his　fellows　and　so　well　knew　the　human　heart？　　Or　did　he　suddenly　desire；　when　he　was　eighty…three；　and　weak　and　helpless；　to　realize　the　idea　of　a　pilgrim's　life？

If　so；　why　did　he　take　my　sister　Sasha　and　Dr。　Makowicki　with　him？　　He　could　not　but　know　that　in　their　company　he　would　be　just　as　well　provided　with　all　the　necessaries　of　life　as　he　would　have　been　at　Yasnaya　Polyana。　　It　would　have　been　the　most　palpable　self…deception。

Knowing　my　father　as　I　did；　I　felt　that　the　question　of　his　flight　was　not　so　simple　as　it　seemed　to　others；　and　the　problem　lay　long　unsolved　before　me　until　it　was　suddenly　made　clear　by　the　will　that　he　left　behind　him。

I　remember　how；　after　N。　S。　Leskof's　death；　my　father　read　me　his　posthumous　instructions　with　regard　to　a　pauper　funeral；　with　no　speeches　at　the　grave；　and　so　on；　and　how　the　idea　of　writing　his　own　will　then　came　into　his　head　for　the　first　time。

His　first　will　was　written　in　his　diary；　on　March　27；　1895。　＇27＇

　＇27＇　Five　weeks　after　Leskof's　death。


The　fourth　paragraph；　to　which　I　wish　to　call　particular　attention；　contains　a　request　to　his　next　of　kin　to　transfer　the　right　of　publishing　his　writings　to　society　at　large；　or；　in　other　words；　to　renounce　the　copyright　of　them。

〃But　I　only　request　it；　and　do　not　direct　it。　　It　is　a　good　thing　to　do。　　And　it　will　be　good　for　you　to　do　it；　but　if　you　do　not　do　it；　that　is　your　affair。　　It　means　that　you　are　not　yet　ready　to　do　it。　　The　fact　that　my　writings　have　been　bought　and　sold　during　these　last　ten　years　has　been　the　most　painful　thing　in　my　whole　life　to　me。〃

Three　copies　were　made　of　this　will；　and　they　were　kept　by　my　sister　Masha；　my　brother　Sergei；　and　Tchertkof。

I　knew　of　its　existence；　but　I　never　saw　it　till　after　my　father's　death；　and　I　never　inquired　of　anybody　about　the　details。

I　knew　my　father's　views　about　copyright；　and　no　will　of　his　could　have　added　anything　to　what　I　knew。　　I　knew；　moreover；　that　this　will　was　not　properly　executed　according　to　the　forms　of　law；　and　personally　I　was　glad　of　that；　for　I　saw　in　it　another　proof　of　my　father's　confidence　in　his　family。　　I　need　hardly　add　that　I　never　doubted　that　my　father's　wishes　would　be　carried　out。

My　sister　Masha；　with　whom　I　once　had　a　conversation　on　the　subject；　was　of　the　same　opinion。

In　1909　my　father　stayed　with　Mr。　Tchertkof　at　Krekshin；　and　there　for　the　first　time　he　wrote　a　formal　will；　attested　by　the　signature　of　witnesses。　　How　this　will　came　to　be　written　I　do　not　know；　and　I　do　not　intend　to　discuss　it。　　It　afterward　appeared　that　it　also　was　imperfect　from　a　legal　point　of　view；　and　in　October；　1909；　it　had　all　to　be　done　again。

As　to　the　writing　of　the　third　we　are　fully　informed　by　Mr。　F。　Strakhof　in　an　article　which　he　published　in　the　St。　Petersburg　〃Gazette〃　on　November　6；　1911。

Mr。　Strakhof　left　Moscow　at　night。　　He　had　calculated　on　Sofya　Andreyevna；　＇28＇　whose　presence　at　Yasnaya　Polyana　was　highly　inexpedient　for　the　business　on　which　he　was　bound；　being　still　in　Moscow。

＇28＇　The　Countess　Tolstoy。


The　business　in　question；　as　was　made　clear　in　the　preliminary　consultation　which　V。　G。　Tchertkof　held　with　N。　K。　Muravyof；　the　solicitor；　consisted　in　getting　fresh　signatures　from　Lyoff　Nikolaievich；　whose　great　age　made　it　desirable　to　make　sure；　without　delay；　of　his　wishes　being　carried　out　by　means　of　a　more　unassailable　legal　document。　　Strakhof　brought　the　draft　of　the　will　with　him；　and　laid　it　before　Lyoff　Nikolaievich。　　After　reading　the　paper　through；　he　at　once　wrote　under　it　that　he　agreed　with　its　purport；　and　then　added；　after　a　pause：

〃All　this　business　is　very　disagreeable　to　me；　and　it　is　unnecessary。　　To　insure　the　propagation　of　my　ideas　by　taking　all　sorts　o