reminiscences of tolstoy-第14部分

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〃All　this　business　is　very　disagreeable　to　me；　and　it　is　unnecessary。　　To　insure　the　propagation　of　my　ideas　by　taking　all　sorts　of　measureswhy；　no　word　can　perish　without　leaving　its　trace；　if　it　expresses　a　truth；　and　if　the　man　who　utters　it　believes　profoundly　in　its　truth。　　But　all　these　outward　means　for　insuring　it　only　come　of　our　disbelief　in　what　we　utter。〃

And　with　these　words　Lyoff　Nikolaievich　left　the　study。

Thereupon　Mr。　Strakhof　began　to　consider　what　he　must　do　next；　whether　he　should　go　back　with　empty　hands；　or　whether　he　should　argue　it　out。

He　decided　to　argue　it　out；　and　endeavored　to　explain　to　my　father　how　painful　it　would　be　for　his　friends　after　his　death　to　hear　people　blaming　him　for　not　having　taken　any　steps；　despite　his　strong　opinion　on　the　subject；　to　see　that　his　wishes　were　carried　out；　and　for　having　thereby　helped　to　transfer　his　copyrights　to　the　members　of　his　family。

Tolstoy　promised　to　think　it　over；　and　left　the　room　again。

At　dinner　Sofya　Andreyevna　〃was　evidently　far　from　having　any　suspicions。〃　　When　Tolstoy　was　not　by；　however；　she　asked　Mr。　Strakhof　what　he　had　come　down　about。　　Inasmuch　as　Mr。　Strakhof　had　other　affairs　in　hand　besides　the　will；　he　told　her　about　one　thing　and　another　with　an　easy　conscience。

Mr。　Strakhof　described　a　second　visit　to　Yasnaya；　when　he　came　to　attest　the　same　will　as　a　witness。

When　he　arrived；　he　said：　〃The　countess　had　not　yet　come　down。　I　breathed　again。〃

Of　his　departure；　he　said：


As　I　said　good…by　to　Sofya　Andreyevna；　I　examined　her　countenance　attentively。　　Such　complete　tranquillity　and　cordiality　toward　her　departing　guests　were　written　on　it　that　I　had　not　the　smallest　doubt　of　her　complete　ignorance　of　what　was　going　on。　。　。　。　　I　left　the　house　with　the　pleasing　consciousness　of　a　work　well　donea　work　that　was　destined　to　have　a　considerable　historic　consequence。　　I　only　felt　some　little　twinge　within；　certain　qualms　of　conscience　about　the　conspiratorial　character　of　the　transaction。


But　even　this　text　of　the　will　did　not　quite　satisfy　my　father's　〃friends　and　advisers〃；　it　was　redrafted　for　the　fourth　and　last　time　in　July；　1910。

This　last　draft　was　written　by　my　father　himself　in　the　Limonovski　Forest；　two　miles　from　the　house；　not　far　from　Mr。　Tchertkof's　estate。

Such　is　the　melancholy　history　of　this　document；　which　was　destined　to　have　historic　consequences。　　〃All　this　business　is　very　disagreeable　to　me；　and　it　is　unnecessary；〃　my　father　said　when　he　signed　the　paper　that　was　thrust　before　him。　　That　was　his　real　opinion　about　his　will；　and　it　never　altered　to　the　end　of　his　days。

Is　there　any　need　of　proof　for　that？　　I　think　one　need　know　very　little　of　his　convictions　to　have　no　doubt　about　it。

Was　Lyoff　Nikolaievich　Tolstoy　likely　of　his　own　accord　to　have　recourse　to　the　protection　of　the　law？　　And；　if　he　did；　was　he　likely　to　conceal　it　from　his　wife　and　children？

He　had　been　put　into　a　position　from　which　there　was　absolutely　no　way　out。　　To　tell　his　wife　was　out　of　the　question；　it　would　have　grievously　offended　his　friends。　　To　have　destroyed　the　will　would　have　been　worse　still；　for　his　friends　had　suffered　for　his　principles　morally；　and　some　of　them　materially；　and　had　been　exiled　from　Russia。　　He　felt　himself　bound　to　them。

And　on　the　top　of　all　this　were　his　fainting　fits；　his　increasing　loss　of　memory；　the　clear　consciousness　of　the　approach　of　death；　and　the　continually　growing　nervousness　of　his　wife；　who　felt　in　her　heart　of　hearts　the　unnatural　estrangement　of　her　husband；　and　could　not　understand　it。　　If　she　asked　him　what　it　was　that　he　was　concealing　from　her；　he　would　either　have　to　say　nothing　or　to　tell　her　the　truth。　　But　that　was　impossible。

So　it　came　about　that　the　long…cherished　dream　of　leaving　Yasnaya　Polyana　presented　itself　as　the　only　means　of　escape。　　It　was　certainly　not　in　order　to　enjoy　the　full　realization　of　his　dream　that　he　left　his　home；　he　went　away　only　as　a　choice　of　evils。

〃I　am　too　feeble　and　too　old　to　begin　a　new　life；〃　he　had　said　to　my　brother　Sergei　only　a　few　days　before　his　departure。

Harassed；　ill　in　body　and　in　mind；　he　started　forth　without　any　object　in　view；　without　any　thought…out　plan；　merely　in　order　to　hide　himself　somewhere；　wherever　it　might　be；　and　get　some　rest　from　the　moral　tortures　which　had　become　insupportable　to　him。

〃To　fly；　to　fly！〃　he　said　in　his　deathbed　delirium　as　he　lay　at　Astapova。

〃Has　papa　considered　that　mama　may　not　survive　the　separation　from　him？〃　I　asked　my　sister　Sasha　on　October　29；　when　she　was　on　the　point　of　going　to　join　him　at　Shamerdino。

〃Yes；　he　has　considered　all　that；　and　still　made　up　his　mind　to　go；　because　he　thinks　that　nothing　could　be　worse　than　the　state　that　things　have　come　to　here；〃　she　answered。

I　confess　that　my　explanation　of　my　father's　flight　by　no　means　exhausts　the　question。　　Life　is　complex　and　every　explanation　of　a　man's　conduct　is　bound　to　suffer　from　one…sidedness。　　Besides；　there　are　circumstances　of　which　I　do　not　care　to　speak　at　the　present　moment；　in　order　not　to　cause　unnecessary　pain　to　people　still　living。　　It　may　be　that　if　those　who　were　about　my　father　during　the　last　years　of　his　life　had　known　what　they　were　doing；　things　would　have　turned　out　differently。

The　years　will　pass。　　The　accumulated　incrustations　which　hide　the　truth　will　pass　away。　　Much　will　be　wiped　out　and　forgotten。　Among　other　things　my　father's　will　will　be　forgottenthat　will　which　he　himself　looked　upon　as　an　〃unnecessary　outward　means。〃　And　men　will　see　more　clearly　that　legacy　of　love　and　truth　in　which　he　believed　deeply；　and　which；　according　to　his　own　words；　〃cannot　perish　without　a　trace。〃

In　conclusion　I　cannot　refrain　from　quoting　the　opinion　of　one　of　my　kinsmen；　who；　after　my　father's　death；　read　the　diaries　kept　both　by　my　father　and　my　mother　during　the　autumn　before　Lyoff　Nikolaievich　left　Yasnaya　Polyana。

〃What　a　terrible　misunderstanding！〃　he　said。　　〃Each　loved　the　other　with　such　poignant　affection；　each　was　suffering　all　the　time　on　the　other's　behalf；　and　then　this　terrible　ending！　。　。　。　　I　see　the　hand　of　fate　in　this。〃




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