clocks-第1部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！





　Clocks



by　Jerome　K。　Jerome







There　are　two　kinds　of　clocks。　　There　is　the　clock　that　is　always
wrong；　and　that　knows　it　is　wrong；　and　glories　in　it；　and　there　is　the
clock　that　is　always　rightexcept　when　you　rely　upon　it；　and　then　it
is　more　wrong　than　you　would　think　a　clock　_could_　be　in　a　civilized
country。

I　remember　a　clock　of　this　latter　type；　that　we　had　in　the　house　when
I　was　a　boy；　routing　us　all　up　at　three　o'clock　one　winter's　morning。
We　had　finished　breakfast　at　ten　minutes　to　four；　and　I　got　to　school
a　little　after　five；　and　sat　down　on　the　step　outside　and　cried；
because　I　thought　the　world　had　come　to　an　end；　everything　was　so
death…like！

The　man　who　can　live　in　the　same　house　with　one　of　these　clocks；　and
not　endanger　his　chance　of　heaven　about　once　a　month　by　standing　up
and　telling　it　what　he　thinks　of　it；　is　either　a　dangerous　rival　to
that　old　established　firm；　Job；　or　else　he　does　not　know　enough　bad
language　to　make　it　worth　his　while　to　start　saying　anything　at　all。

The　great　dream　of　its　life　is　to　lure　you　on　into　trying　to　catch　a
train　by　it。　　For　weeks　and　weeks　it　will　keep　the　most　perfect　time。
If　there　were　any　difference　in　time　between　that　clock　and　the　sun；
you　would　be　convinced　it　was　the　sun；　not　the　clock；　that　wanted
seeing　to。　　You　feel　that　if　that　clock　happened　to　get　a　quarter　of　a
second　fast；　or　the　eighth　of　an　instant　slow；　it　would　break　its
heart　and　die。

It　is　in　this　spirit　of　child…like　faith　in　its　integrity　that；　one
morning；　you　gather　your　family　around　you　in　the　passage；　kiss　your
children；　and　afterward　wipe　your　jammy　mouth；　poke　your　finger　in　the
baby's　eye；　promise　not　to　forget　to　order　the　coals；　wave　at　last
fond　adieu　with　the　umbrella；　and　depart　for　the　railway…station。

I　never　have　been　quite　able　to　decide；　myself；　which　is　the　more
irritating　to　run　two　miles　at　the　top　of　your　speed；　and　then　to
find；　when　you　reach　the　station；　that　you　are　three…quarters　of　an
hour　too　early；　or　to　stroll　along　leisurely　the　whole　way；　and　dawdle
about　outside　the　booking…office；　talking　to　some　local　idiot；　and
then　to　swagger　carelessly　on　to　the　platform；　just　in　time　to　see　the
train　go　out！

As　for　the　other　class　of　clocksthe　common　or　always…wrong
clocksthey　are　harmless　enough。　　You　wind　them　up　at　the　proper
intervals；　and　once　or　twice　a　week　you　put　them　right　and　〃regulate〃
them；　as　you　call　it　（and　you　might　just　as　well　try　to　〃regulate〃　a
London　tom…cat）。　　But　you　do　all　this；　not　from　any　selfish　motives；
but　from　a　sense　of　duty　to　the　clock　itself。　　You　want　to　feel　that；
whatever　may　happen；　you　have　done　the　right　thing　by　it；　and　that　no
blame　can　attach　to　you。

So　far　as　looking　to　it　for　any　return　is　concerned；　that　you　never
dream　of　doing；　and　consequently　you　are　not　disappointed。　　You　ask
what　the　time　is；　and　the　girl　replies：

〃Well；　the　clock　in　the　dining…room　says　a　quarter　past　two。〃

But　you　are　not　deceived　by　this。　　You　know　that；　as　a　matter　of　fact；
it　must　be　somewhere　between　nine　and　ten　in　the　evening；　and；
remembering　that　you　noticed；　as　a　curious　circumstance；　that　the
clock　was　only　forty　minutes　past　four；　hours　ago；　you　mildly　admire
its　energies　and　resources；　and　wonder　how　it　does　it。

I　myself　possess　a　clock　that　for　complicated　unconventionality　and
light…hearted　independence；　could；　I　should　think；　give　points　to
anything　yet　discovered　in　the　chronometrical　line。　　As　a　mere
time…piece；　it　leaves　much　to　be　desired；　but；　considered　as　a
self…acting　conundrum；　it　is　full　of　interest　and　variety。

I　heard　of　a　man　once　who　had　a　clock　that　he　used　to　say　was　of　no
good　to　any　one　except　himself；　because　he　was　the　only　man　who
understood　it。　　He　said　it　was　an　excellent　clock；　and　one　that　you
could　thoroughly　depend　upon；　but　you　wanted　to　know　itto　have
studied　its　system。　　An　outsider　might　be　easily　misled　by　it。

〃For　instance；〃　he　would　say；　〃when　it　strikes　fifteen；　and　the　hands
point　to　twenty　minutes　past　eleven；　I　know　it　is　a　quarter　to　eight。〃

His　acquaintanceship　with　that　clock　must　certainly　have　given　him　an
advantage　over　the　cursory　observer！

But　the　great　charm　about　my　clock　is　its　reliable　uncertainty。　　It
works　on　no　method　whatever；　it　is　a　pure　emotionalist。　　One　day　it
will　be　quite　frolicsome；　and　gain　three　hours　in　the　course　of　the
morning；　and　think　nothing　of　it；　and　the　next　day　it　will　wish　it
were　dead；　and　be　hardly　able　to　drag　itself　along；　and　lose　two　hours
out　of　every　four；　and　stop　altogether　in　the　afternoon；　too　miserable
to　do　anything；　and　then；　getting　cheerful　once　more　toward　evening；
will　start　off　again　of　its　own　accord。

I　do　not　care　to　talk　much　about　this　clock；　because　when　I　tell　the
simple　truth　concerning　it；　people　think　I　am　exaggerating。

It　is　very　discouraging　to　find；　when　you　are　straining　every　nerve　to
tell　the　truth；　that　people　do　not　believe　you；　and　fancy　that　you　are
exaggerating。　　It　makes　you　feel　inclined　to　go　and　exaggerate　on
purpose；　just　to　show　them　the　difference。　　I　know　I　often　feel
tempted　to　do　so　myselfit　is　my　early　training　that　saves　me。

We　should　always　be　very　careful　never　to　give　way　to　exaggeration；　it
is　a　habit　that　grows　upon　one。

And　it　is　such　a　vulgar　habit；　too。　　In　the　old　times；　when　poets　and
dry…goods　salesmen　were　the　only　people　who　exaggerated；　there　was
something　clever　and　_distingue_　about　a　reputation　for　〃a　tendency　to
over；　rather　than　to　under…estimate　the　mere　bald　facts。〃　　But
everybody　exaggerates　nowadays。　　The　art　of　exaggeration　is　no　longer
regarded　as　an　〃extra〃　in　the　modern　bill　of　education；　it　is　an
essential　requirement；　held　to　be　most　needful　for　the　battle　of　life。

The　whole　world　exaggerates。　　It　exaggerates　everything；　from　the
yearly　number　of　bicycles　sold　to　the　yearly　number　of　heathens
convertedinto　the　hope　of　salvation　and　more　whiskey。　　Exaggeration
is　the　basis　of　our　trade；　the　fallow…field　of　our　art　and　literature；
the　groundwork　of　our　social　life；　the　foundation　of　our　political
existence。　　As　schoolboys；　we　exaggerate　our　fights　and　our　marks　and
our　fathers'　debts。　　As　men；　we　exaggerate　our　wares；　we　exaggerate
our　feelings；　we　exaggerate　our　incomesexcept　to　the　tax…collector；
and　to　him　we　exaggerate　our　〃outgoings〃；　we　exaggerate　our　virtues；
we　even　exaggerate　our　vices；　and；　being　in　reality　the　mildest　of
men；　pretend　we　are　dare…devil　scamps。

We　have　sunk　so　low　now　that　we　try　to　_act_　our　exaggerations；　and　to
live　up　to　our　lies。　　We　call　it　〃keeping　up　appearances；〃　and　no　more
bitter　phrase　could；　perhaps；　have　been　invented　to　describe　our
childish　folly。

If　we　possess　a　hundred　pounds　a　year；　do　we　not　call　it　two？　　Our
larder　may　be　low　and　our　grates　be　chill；　but　we　are　happy　if　the
〃world〃　（six　acquaintances　and　a　prying　neighbor）　gives　us　credit　for
one　hundred　and　fifty。　　And；　when　we　have　five　hundred；　we　talk　of　a
thousand；　and　the　all…important　and　beloved　〃world〃　（sixteen　friends
now；　and　two　of　them　carriage…folks！）　agree　that　we　really　must　be
spending　seven　hundred；　or　at　all　events；　running　into　debt　up　to　that
figure；　but　the　butcher　and　baker；　who　have　gone　into　the　matter　with
the　housemaid；　know　better。

After　awhile；　having　learned　the　trick；　we　launch　out　boldly　and　spend
like　Indian　Princesor　rather　_seem_　to　spend；　for　we　know；　by　this
time；　how　to　purchase　the　seeming　with　the　seeming；　how　to　buy　the
appearance　of　wealth　with　the　appearance　of　cash。　　And　the　dear　old
worldBeelzebub　bless　it！　for　it　is　his　own　child；　sure　enough；　there
is　no　mistaking　the　likeness；　it　has　all　his　funny　little
waysgathers　round；　applauding　and　laughing　at　the　lie；　and　sharing
in　the　cheat；　and　gloating　over　the　thought　of　the　blow　that　it　knows
must　sooner　or　later　fall　on　us　from　the　Thor…like　hammer　of　Truth。

And　all　goes　merry　as　a　witches'　frolicuntil　the　gray　morning　dawns。

Truth　and　fact　are　old…fashioned　and　out…of…date；　my　friends；　fit　only
for　the　dull　and　vulgar　to　live　by。　　Appearance；　not　reality；　is　what
the　clever　dog　grasps　at　in　these　clever　days。　　We　spurn　the
dull…brown　solid　earth；　we　build　our　lives　and　homes　in　the
fair…seeming　rainbow…land　of　shadow　and　chimera。

To　ourselves；　sleeping　and　waking　there；　_behind_　the　rainbow；　there
is　no　beauty　in　the　house；　only　a　chill　damp　mist　in　every　room；　and；
over　all；　a　haunting　fear　of　the　hour　when　the　gilded　clouds　will　melt
away；　and　let　us　fallsomewhat　heavily；　no　doubtupon　the　hard　world
underneath。

But；　there！　of　what　matter　is　_our_　misery；　_our_　terror？　　To　the
stranger；　our　home　appears　fair　and　bright。　　The　workers　in　the　fields
below　look　up　and　envy　us　our　abode　of　glory　and　delight！　　If　_they_
think　it　pleasant；　surely　_we_　should　be　content。　　Have　we　not　been
taught　to　live　for　others　and　not　for　ourselves；　and　are　we　not　acting
up　bravely　to　the　teachingin　this　most　curious　method？

Ah！　yes；　we　are　self…sacrificing　enough；　and　loyal　enough　in　our
devotion　to　this　new…crowned　king；　the　child　of　Prince　Imposture　and
Princess　Pretense。　　Never　before　was　despot　so　blindly　worshiped！
Never　had　earthly　sovereign　yet　such　world…wide　sway！

Man；　if　he　would　live；　_must_　worship。　　He　looks　around；　and　what　to
him；　within　the　vision　of　his　life；　is　the　greatest　and　the　best；　that
he　falls　down　and　does　reverence　to。　　To　him　whose　eyes　have　opened　on
the　nineteenth　century；　what　nobler　image　can　the　universe　produce
than　the　figure　of　Falsehood　in　stolen　robes？　　It　is　cunning　and
brazen　and　hollow…hearted；　and　it　realizes　his　souls　ideal；　and　he
falls　and　kisses　its　feet；　and　clings　to　its　skinny　knees；　swearing
fealty　to　it　for　evermore！

Ah！　he　is　a　mighty　monarch；　bladder…bodied　King　Humbug！　　Come；　let　us
build　up　temples　of　hewn　shadows　wherein　we　may　adore　him；　safe　from
the　light。　　Let　us　raise　him　aloft　upon　our　Brummagem　shields。　　Long
live　our　coward；　falsehearted　chief！fit　leader　for　such　soldiers　as
we！　　Long　live　the　Lord…of…Lies；　anointed！　　Long　live　poor　King
Appearances；　to　whom　all　mankind　bows　the　knee！

But　we　must　hold　him　aloft　very　carefully；