dream days-第3部分

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rare　fellows　who　thoroughly　understood。



But　Selina　knew　no　more　of　this　source　of　consolation　than　of　the

sympathy　with　which　the　stars　were　winking　above　her；　and　it　was

only　after　some　sad　interval　oftime；　and　on　a　very　moist

pillow；　that　she　drifted　into　that　quaint　inconsequent　country

where　you　may　meet　your　own　pet　hero　strolling　down　the　road；　and

commit　what　hair…brained　oddities　you　like；　and　everybody

understands　and　appreciates。





DIES　IRAE



Those　memorable　days　that　move　in　procession；　their　heads　just

out　of　the　mist　of　years　long　deadthe　most　of　them　are　full…

eyed　as　the　dandelion　that　from　dawn　to　shade　has　steeped　itself

in　sunlight。　　Here　and　there　in　their　ranks；　however；　moves　a

forlorn　one　who　is　blindblind　in　the　sense　of　the　dulled

window…pane　on　which　the　pelting　raindrops　have　mingled　and　run

down；　obscuring　sunshine　and　the　circling　birds；　happy　fields；

and　storied　garden；　blind　with　the　spatter　of　a　misery

uncomprehended；　unanalysed；　only　felt　as　something　corporeal　in

its　buffeting　effects。



Martha　began　it；　and　yet　Martha　was　not　really　to　blame。　　Indeed；

that　was　half　the　trouble　of　itno　solid　person　stood　full

in　view；　to　be　blamed　and　to　make　atonement。　　There　was　only　a

wretched；　impalpable　condition　to　deal　with。　　Breakfast　was　just

over；　the　sun　was　summoning　us；　imperious　as　a　herald　with

clamour　of　trumpet；　I　ran　upstairs　to　her　with　a　broken　bootlace

in　my　hand；　and　there　she　was；　crying　in　a　corner；　her　head　in

her　apron。　　Nothing　could　be　got　from　her　but　the　same　dismal

succession　of　sobs　that　would　not　have　done；　that　struck　and　hurt

like　a　physical　beating；　and　meanwhile　the　sun　was　getting

impatient；　and　I　wanted　my　bootlace。



Inquiry　below　stairs　revealed　the　cause。　　Martha's　brother　was

dead；　it　seemedher　sailor　brother　Billy；　drowned　in　one　of

those　strange　far…off　seas　it　was　our　dream　to　navigate　one　day。　

We　had　known　Billy　well；　and　appreciated　him。　　When　an

approaching　visit　of　Billy　to　his　sister　had　been　announced；

we　had　counted　the　days　to　it。　　When　his　cheery　voice　was　at　last

heard　in　the　kitchen　and　we　had　descended　with　shouts；　first　of

all　he　had　to　exhibit　his　tattooed　arms；　always　a　subject　for

fresh　delight　and　envy　and　awe；　then　he　was　called　upon　for

tricks；　jugglings；　and　strange；　fearful　gymnastics；　and　lastly

came　yarns；　and　more　yarns；　and　yarns　till　bedtime。　　There　had

never　been　any　one　like　Billy　in　his　own　particular　sphere；　and

now　he　was　drowned；　they　said；　and　Martha　was　miserable；　andand

I　couldn't　get　a　new　bootlace。　　They　told　me　that　Billy　would

never　come　back　any　more；　and　I　stared　out　of　the　window　at　the

sun　which　came　back；　right　enough；　every　day；　and　their　news

conveyed　nothing　whatever　to　me。　　Martha's　sorrow　hit　home　a

little；　but　only　because　the　actual　sight　and　sound　of　it　gave　me

a　dull；　bad　sort　of　pain　low　down　insidea　pain　not　to　be

actually　located。　　Moreover；　I　was　still　wanting　my　bootlace。



This　was　a　poor　sort　of　a　beginning　to　a　day　that；　so　far　as

outside　conditions　went；　had　promised　so　well。　　I　rigged　up　a

sort　of　jurymast　of　a　bootlace　with　a　bit　of　old　string；　and

wandered　off　to　look　up　the　girls；　conscious　of　a　jar　and　a

discordance　in　the　scheme　of　things。　　The　moment　I　entered　the

schoolroom　something　in　the　air　seemed　to　tell　me　that　here；　too；

matters　were　strained　and　awry。　　Selina　was　staring　listlessly

out　of　the　window；　one　foot　curled　round　her　leg。　　When　I　spoke

to　her　she　jerked　a　shoulder　testily；　but　did　not　condescend　to

the　civility　of　a　reply。　　Charlotte；　absolutely　unoccupied；

sprawled　in　a　chair；　and　there　were　signs　of　sniffles　about　her；

even　at　that　early　hour。　　It　was　but　a　trifling　matter　that　had

caused　all　this　electricity　in　the　atmosphere；　and　the　girls'

manner　of　taking　it　seemed　to　me　most　unreasonable。　　Within　the

last　few　days　the　time　had　come　round　for　the　despatch　of　a

hamper　to　Edward　at　school。　　Only　one　hamper　a　term　was　permitted

him；　so　its　preparation　was　a　sort　of　blend　of　revelry　and

religious　ceremony。　　After　the　main　corpus　of　the　thing　had　been

carefully　selected　and　safely　bestowedthe　pots　of　jam；　the

cake；　the　sausages；　and　the　apples　that　filled　up　corners　so

nicelyafter　the　last　package　had　been　wedged　in；　the　girls　had

deposited　their　own　private　and　personal　offerings　on　the　top。　　I

forget　their　precise　nature；　anyhow；　they　were　nothing　of　any

particular　practical　use　to　a　boy。　　But　they　had　involved　some

contrivance　and　labour；　some　skimping　of　pocket　money；　and　much

delightful　cloud…building　as　to　the　effect　on　their　enraptured

recipient。　　Well；　yesterday　there　had　come　a　terse

acknowledgment　from　Edward；　heartily　commending　the　cakes　and　the

jam；　stamping　the　sausages　with　the　seal　of　Smith　major's

approval；　and　finally　hinting　that；　fortified　as　he　now　was；

nothing　more　was　necessary　but　a　remittance　of　five　shillings　in

postage　stamps　to　enable　him　to　face　the　world　armed　against

every　buffet　of　fate。　　That　was　all。　　Never　a　word　or　a　hint　of

the　personal　tributes　or　of　his　appreciation　of　them。　　To　usto

Harold　and　me；　that　isthe　letter　seemed　natural　and　sensible

enough。　　After　all；　provender　was　the　main　thing；　and　five

shillings　stood　for　a　complete　equipment　against　the　most

unexpected　turns　of　luck。　　The　presents　were　very　well　in　their

wayvery　nice；　and　so　onbut　life　was　a　serious　matter；　and　the

contest　called　for　cakes　and　half　crowns　to　carry　it　on；　not　gew…

gaws　and　knitted　mittens　and　the　like。　　The　girls；　however；

in　their　obstinate　way；　persisted　in　taking　their　own　view　of　the

slight。　　Hence　it　was　that　I　received　my　second　rebuff　of　the

morning。



Somewhat　disheartened；　I　made　my　way　downstairs　and　out　into　the

sunlight；　where　I　found　Harold　playing　conspirators　by　himself　on

the　gravel。　　He　had　dug　a　small　hole　in　the　walk　and　had　laid　an

imaginary　train　of　powder　thereto；　and；　as　he　sought　refuge　in

the　laurels　from　the　inevitable　explosion；　I　heard　him　murmur：　

〃‘My　God！'　said　the　Czar；　‘my　plans　are　frustrated！'〃　　It　seemed

an　excellent　occasion　for　being　a　black　puma。　　Harold　liked　black

pumas；　on　the　whole；　as　well　as　any　animal　we　were　familiar　with。



So　I　launched　myself　on　him；　with　the　appropriate　howl；　rolling

him　over　on　the　gravel。



Life　may　be　said　to　be　composed　of　things　that　come　off　and

things　that　don't　come　off。　　This　thing；　unfortunately；　was　one

of　the　things　that　didn't　come　off。　　From　beneath　me　I　heard　a

shrill　cry　of；　〃Oh；　it's　my　sore　knee！〃　　And　Harold　wriggled

himself　free　from　the　puma's　clutches；　bellowing　dismally。　　Now；

I　honestly　didn't　know　he　had　a　sore　knee；　and；　what's　more；　he

knew　I　didn't　know　he　had　a　sore　knee。　　According　to　boy　ethics；

therefore；　his　attitude　was　wrong；　sore　knee　or　not；　and　no

apology　was　due　from　me。　　I　made　half…way　advances；　however；

suggesting　we　should　lie　in　ambush　by　the　edge　of　the　pond　and

cut　off　the　ducks　as　they　waddled　down　in　simple；　unsuspecting

single　file；　then　hunt　them　as　bisons　flying　scattered　over　the

vast　prairie。　　A　fascinating　pursuit　this；　and　strictly　illicit。　

But　Harold　would　none　of　my　overtures；　and　retreated　to　the　house

wailing　with　full　lungs。



Things　were　getting　simply　infernal。　　I　struck　out　blindly　for

the　open　country；　and　even　as　I　made　for　the　gate　a　shrill　voice

from　a　window　bade　me　keep　off　the　flower…beds。　　When　the　gate

had　swung　to　behind　me　with　a　vicious　click　I　felt　better；　and

after　ten　minutes　along　the　road　it　began　to　grow　on　me　that　some

radical　change　was　needed；　that　I　was　in　a　blind　alley；　and　that

this　intolerable　state　of　things　must　somehow　cease。　　All　that　I

could　do　I　had　already　done。　　As　well…meaning　a　fellow　as　ever

stepped　was　pounding　along　the　road　that　day；　with　an　exceeding

sore　heart；　one　who　only　wished　to　live　and　let　live；　in　touch

with　his　fellows；　and　appreciating　what　joys　life　had　to　offer。　

What　was　wanted　now　was　a　complete　change　of　environment。　　Some

where　in　the　world；　I　felt　sure；　justice　and　sympathy　still

resided。　　There　were　places　called　pampas；　for　instance；　that

sounded　well。　　League　upon　league　of　grass；　with　just　an

occasional　wild　horse；　and　not　a　relation　within　the　horizon！　　To

a　bruised　spirit　this　seemed　a　sane　and　a　healing　sort　of

existence。　　There　were　other　pleasant　corners；　again；　where　you

dived　for　pearls　and　stabbed　sharks　in　the　stomach　with　your　big

knife。　　No　relations　would　be　likely　to　come　interfering　with　you

when　thus　blissfully　occupied。　　And　yet　I　did　not　wishjust

yetto　have　done　with　relations　entirely。　　They　should　be　made

to　feel　their　position　first；　to　see　themselves　as　they　really

were；　and　to　wishwhen　it　was　too　latethat　they　had　behaved

more　properly。



Of　all　professions；　the　army　seemed　to　lend　itself　the　most

thoroughly　to　the　scheme。　　You　enlisted；　you　followed　the　drum；

you　marched；　fought；　and　ported　arms；　under　strange　skies；

through　unrecorded　years。　　At　last；　at　long　last；

your　opportunity　would　come；　when　the　horrors　of　war　were

flickering　through　the　quiet　country…side　where　you　were　cradled

and　bred；　but　where　the　memory　of　you　had　long　been　dim。　　Folk

would　run　together；　clamorous；　palsied　with　fear；　and　among　the

terror…stricken　groups　would　figure　certain　aunts。　　〃What　hope　is

left　us？〃　they　would　ask　themselves；　〃save　in　the　clemency　of　the

General；　the　mysterious；　invincible　General；　of　whom　men　tell

such　romantic　tales？〃　　And　the　army　would　march　in；　and　the　guns

would　rattle　and　leap　along　the　village　street；　and；　last　of　all；

youyou；　the　General；　the　fabled　heroyou　would　enter；　on　your

coal…black　charger；　your　pale　set　face　seamed　by　an　interesting

sabre…cut。　　And　thenbut　every　boy　has　rehearsed　this　familiar

piece　a　score　of　times。　　You　are　magnanimous；　in　finethat　goes

without　saying；　you　have　a　coal…black　horse；　and　a　sabre…cut；

and　you　can　afford