cambridge pieces-第6部分

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after　the　revolution　of　a　year　they　have　great　races　with　their
boats　against　those　of　the　surrounding　islanders；　but　the　Johnians；
both　owing　to　the　carefulness　of　the　training　and　a　natural
disposition　for　rowing；　are　always　victorious。　　In　this　way　then　the
Johnians；　I　say；　practise　their　tub。



THE　SHIELD　OF　ACHILLES；　WITH　VARIATIONS



And　in　it　he　placed　the　Fitzwilliam　and　King's　College　Chapel　and
the　lofty　towered　church　of　the　Great　Saint　Mary；　which　looketh
toward　the　Senate　House；　and　King's　Parade　and　Trumpington　Road　and
the　Pitt　Press　and　the　divine　opening　of　the　Market　Square　and　the
beautiful　flowing　fountain　which　formerly　Hobson　laboured　to　make
with　skilful　art；　him　did　his　father　beget　in　the　many…public…housed
Trumpington　from　a　slavey　mother；　and　taught　him　blameless　works；
and　he；　on　the　other　hand；　sprang　up　like　a　young　shoot；　and　many
beautifully　matched　horses　did　he　nourish　in　his　stable；　which　used
to　convey　his　rich　possessions　to　London　and　the　various　cities　of
the　world；　but　oftentimes　did　he　let　them　out　to　others　and
whensoever　anyone　was　desirous　of　hiring　one　of　the　long…tailed
horses；　he　took　them　in　order　so　that　the　labour　was　equal　to　all；
wherefore　do　men　now　speak　of　the　choice　of　the　renowned　Hobson。
And　in　it　he　placed　the　close　of　the　divine　Parker；　and　many
beautiful　undergraduates　were　delighting　their　tender　minds　upon　it
playing　cricket　with　one　another；　and　a　match　was　being　played　and
two　umpires　were　quarrelling　with　one　another；　the　one　saying　that
the　batsman　who　was　playing　was　out；　and　the　other　declaring　with
all　his　might　that　he　was　not；　and　while　they　two　were　contending；
reviling　one　another　with　abusive　language；　a　ball　came　and　hit　one
of　them　on　the　nose；　and　the　blood　flowed　out　in　a　stream；　and
darkness　was　covering　his　eyes；　but　the　rest　were　crying　out　on　all
sides：

〃Shy　it　up。〃

And　he　could　not；　him　then　was　his　companion　addressing　with
scornful　words：

〃Arnold；　why　dost　thou　strive　with　me　since　I　am　much　wiser？　　Did　I
not　see　his　leg　before　the　wicket　and　rightly　declare　him　to　be　out？
Thee　then　has　Zeus　now　punished　according　to　thy　deserts；　and　I　will
seek　some　other　umpire　of　the　game　equally…participated…in…by…both…
sides。〃

And　in　it　he　placed　the　Cam；　and　many　boats　equally　rowed　on　both
sides　were　going　up　and　down　on　the　bosom　of　the　deep…rolling　river；
and　the　coxswains　were　cheering　on　the　men；　for　they　were　going　to
enter　the　contest　of　the　scratchean　fours；　and　three　men　were　rowing
together　in　a　boat；　strong　and　stout　and　determined　in　their　hearts
that　they　would　either　first　break　a　blood…vessel　or　earn　for
themselves　the　electroplated…Birmingham…manufactured　magnificence　of
a　pewter　to　stand　on　their　hall　tables　in　memorial　of　their
strength；　and　from　time　to　time　drink　from　it　the　exhilarating
streams　of　beer　whensoever　their　dear　heart　should　compel　them；　but
the　fourth　was　weak　and　unequally　matched　with　the　others；　and　the
coxswain　was　encouraging　him　and　called　him　by　name　and　spake
cheering　words：

〃Smith；　when　thou　hast　begun　the　contest；　be　not　flurried　nor　strive
too　hard　against　thy　fate；　look　at　the　back　of　the　man　before　thee
and　row　with　as　much　strength　as　the　Fates　spun　out　for　thee　on　the
day　when　thou　fellest　between　the　knees　of　thy　mother；　neither　lose
thine　oar；　but　hold　it　tight　with　thy　hands。〃



PROSPECTUS　OF　THE　GREAT　SPLIT　SOCIETY



It　is　the　object　of　this　society　to　promote　parties　and　splits　in
general；　and　since　of　late　we　have　perceived　disunion　among　friends
to　be　not　nearly　so　ripe　as　in　the　Bible　it　is　plainly　commanded　to
be；　we　the　members　of　this　club　have　investigated　the　means　of
producing；　fostering；　and　invigorating　strife　of　all　kinds；　whereby
the　society　of　man　will　be　profited　much。　　For　in　a　few　hours　we　can
by　the　means　we　have　discovered　create　so　beautiful　a　dissension
between　two　who　have　lately　been　friends；　that　they　shall　never
speak　of　one　another　again；　and　their　spirit　is　to　be　greatly
admired　and　praised　for　this。　　And　since　it　is　the　great　goddess
Talebearer　who　has　contributed　especially　to　our　success；　inasmuch
as　where　she　is　not　strife　will　cease　as　surely　as　the　fire　goeth
out　when　there　is　no　wood　to　feed　it；　we　will　erect　an　altar　to　her
and　perform　monthly　rites　at　her　shrine　in　a　manner　hereafter　to　be
detailed。　　And　all　men　shall　do　homage　to　her；　for　who　is　there　that
hath　not　felt　her　benefits？　　And　the　rites　shall　be　of　a　cheerful
character；　and　all　the　world　shall　be　right　merry；　and　we　will　write
her　a　hymn　and　Walmisley　｛4｝　shall　set　it　to　music。　　And　any　shall
be　eligible　to　this　society　by　only　changing　his　name；　for　this　is
one　of　its　happiest　hits；　to　give　a　name　to　each　of　its　members
arising　from　some　mental　peculiarity　（which　the　gods　and　peacemakers
call　〃foible〃）；　whereby　each　being　perpetually　kept　in　mind　of　this
defect　and　being　always　willing　to　justify　it　shall　raise　a　clamour
and　cause　much　delight　to　the　assembly。

And　we　will　have　suppers　once　a　month　both　to　do　honour　unto
Talebearer　and　to　promote　her　interest。　　And　the　society　has　laid
down　a　form　of　conversation　to　be　used　at　all　such　meetings；　which
shall　engender　quarrellings　even　in　the　most　unfavourable
dispositions；　and　inflame　the　anger　of　one　and　all；　and　having
raised　it　shall　set　it　going　and　start　it　on　so　firm　a　basis　as　that
it　may　be　left　safely　to　work　its　own　way；　for　there　shall　be　no
fear　of　its　dying　out。

And　the　great　key　to　this　admirable　treasure…house　is　Self；　who　hath
two　beautiful　children；　Self…Love　and　Self…Pride　。　。　。　We　have　also
aided　our　project　much　by　the　following　contrivance；　namely；　that
ten　of　the　society；　the　same　who　have　the　longest　tongues　and　ears；
shall　make　a　quorum　to　manage　all　affairs　connected　with　it；　and　it
is　difficult　to　comprehend　the　amount　of　quarrelling　that　shall　go
on　at　these　meetings。

And　the　monthly　suppers　shall　be　ordered　in　this　way：　　Each　man　must
take　at　least　two　tablespoonfuls　of　vinegar；　which　shall　make　the
wit　sharp；　or　in　default　thereof　one　teaspoonful　of　pepper　and
mustard；　for　the　rest　we　leave　the　diet　to　the　management　of　our
stewards　and　bursars；　but　after　the　cloth　has　been　removed　the
president　shall　single　out　some　one　of　the　company；　and　in　a　calm
and　friendly　manner　acquaint　him　with　his　faults　and　advise　him　in
what　way　he　may　best　amend　the　same。　　The　member　selected　is
compelled　by　the　rules　to　remain　silent　for　the　space　of　three
minutes；　and　is　then　to　retort　and　bring　up　six　instances。　　He　is　to
call　the　present　members　to　witness；　and　all　are　to　take　one　side　or
the　other；　so　that　none　be　neutral；　and　the　melee　will　doubtless
become　general；　and　we　expect　that　much　beautiful　latent　abusive
talent　will　be　developed　in　this　way。　　But　let　all　this　be　done　with
an　air　of　great　politeness；　sincerity；　and　goodwill；　at　least　at　the
commencement；　for　this；　when　evidently　fictitious；　is　a　two…edged
sword　of　irritation。

And　if　any　grow　weak　in　spirit　and　retreat　from　this　society；　and
afterwards　repent　and　wish　again　to　join；　he　shall　be　permitted　to
do　so　on　condition　of　repeating　the　words；　〃Oh；　ah！〃　　〃Lor！〃　　〃Such
is　life；〃　〃That's　cheerful；〃　〃He's　a　lively　man；　is　Mr。　So…and…so〃
ten　times　over。　　For　these　are　refreshing　and　beautiful　words　and
mean　much　（！）；　they　are　the　emblems　of　such　talent。

And　any　members　are　at　liberty　to　have　small　meetings　among
themselves；　especially　to　tea；　whereat　they　may　enjoy　the　ever　fresh
and　pleasant　luxury　of　scandal　and　mischief…making；　and　prepare
their　accusations　and　taunts　for　the　next　general　meeting；　and　this
is　not　only　permitted　but　enjoined　and　recommended　strongly　to　all
the　members。

And　sentences　shall　be　written　for　the　training　of　any　young　hand
who　wishes　to　become　one　of　us；　since　none　can　hope　to　arrive　at
once　at　the　pitch　of　perfection　to　which　the　society　has　brought　the
art。　　And　if　that　any　should　be　heard　of　his　own　free　will　and
invention　uttering　one　or　more　of　these　sentences　and　by　these　means
indicate　much　talent　in　the　required　direction；　he　shall　be　waited
on　by　a　committee　of　the　club　and　induced；　if　possible；　to　join　us；
for　he　will　be　an　acquisition；　and　the　sentences　required　are　such
as：　　〃I　think　so…and…so　a　very　jolly　fellow；　indeed　I　don't　know　a
man　in　the　college　I　like　better　than　so…and…so；　but　I　don't　care
twopence　about　him；　at　least　it　is　all　the　same　to　me　whether　he
cuts　me　or　not。〃

The　beauty　of　this　sentence　is　not　at　first　appreciable；　for　though
self…deceit　and　self…satisfaction　are　both　very　powerfully
demonstrated　in　it；　and　though　these　are　some　of　the　society's　most
vehement　supporters；　yet　it　is　the　good　goddess　Talebearer　who
nourisheth　the　seed　of　mischief　thus　sown。

It　is　also　strictly　forbidden　by　this　society's　laws　to　form　a　firm
friendship　grounded　upon　esteem　and　a　perception　of　great　and　good
qualities　in　the　object　of　one's　liking；　for　this　kind　of　friendship
lasts　a　long　timenay；　for　life；　but　each　member　must　have　a
furious　and　passionate　running　after　his　friend　for　the　time　being；
insomuch　that　he　could　never　part　for　an　instant　from　him。　　And　when
the　society　sees　this　it　feels　comfortable；　for　it　is　quite　certain
that　its　objects　are　being　promoted；　for　this　cannot　be　brought
about　by　any　but　unnatural　means　and　is　the　foundation　and　very　soul
of　quarrelling。　　The　stroking　of　the　hair　and　affectionate
embracings　are　much　recommended；　for　they　are　so　manly。

And　at　the　suppers　and　the　rites　of　Talebearer　each　member　is　to
drop　an　anonymous　opinion　of　some　other　member's　character　into　a
common　letter　box；　and　the　president　shall　read　them　out。　　Each
member　is　to　defend　himself；　the　formula　for　the　commencement　of
each　speech　being：　　〃I　know　who　wrote　that　about　me；　and　it　is　a
very　blackguardly　thing　of　him　to　say　。　。　。　〃

N。B。Any　number　of　persons　are　allowed　to　speak　at　the　same　time。
By　these　means　it　is　hoped　to　restore　strife　and　dissension　to　the
world；　now　alas！　so　fatally　subjugated　to　a　mean…spirited　thing
called　Charity；　which　during　the　last　month　has　been　perfectly
rampant　in　the　college。　　Yes；　we　will　give　a　helping