dream life and real life-第4部分

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sometimes　as　if　I　were　going　mad！　　Oh；　it　is　so　terrible　to　be　a　woman！〃　

The　woman　looked　down　at　her。　　〃Now　I　hear　he　likes　another　woman。　　I　don't

know　who　she　is；　but　they　say　she　is　so　clever；　and　writes。　　Oh；　it　is　so

terrible；　I　can't　bear　it。〃



The　woman　leaned　her　elbow　against　the　mantelpiece；　and　her　face　against

her　hand。　　She　looked　down　into　the　fire。　　Then　she　turned　and　looked　at

the　younger　woman。　　〃Yes；〃　she　said；　〃it　is　a　very　terrible　thing　to　be　a

woman。〃　　She　was　silent。　　She　said　with　some　difficulty：　　〃Are　you　sure　you

love　him？　　Are　you　sure　it　is　not　only　the　feeling　a　young　girl　has　for　an

older　man　who　is　celebrated；　and　of　whom　every　one　is　talking？〃



〃I　have　been　nearly　mad。　　I　haven't　slept　for　weeks！〃　　She　knit　her　little

hands　together；　till　the　jewelled　rings　almost　cut　into　the　fingers。　　〃He

is　everything　to　me；　there　is　nothing　else　in　the　world。　　You；　who　are　so

great；　and　strong；　and　clever；　and　who　care　only　for　your　work；　and　for　men

as　your　friends；　you　cannot　understand　what　it　is　when　one　person　is

everything　to　you；　when　there　is　nothing　else　in　the　world！〃



〃And　what　do　you　want　me　to　do？〃



〃Oh；　I　don't　know！〃　　She　looked　up。　　〃A　woman　knows　what　she　can　do。　　Don't

tell　him　that　I　love　him。〃　　She　looked　up　again。　　〃Just　say　something　to

him。　　Oh；　it's　so　terrible　to　be　a　woman；　I　can't　do　anything。　　You　won't

tell　him　exactly　that　I　love　him？　　That's　the　thing　that　makes　a　man　hate　a

woman；　if　you　tell　it　him　plainly。〃



〃If　I　speak　to　him　I　must　speak　openly。　　He　is　my　friend。　　I　cannot　fence

with　him。　　I　have　never　fenced　with　him　in　my　own　affairs。〃　　She　moved　as

though　she　were　going　away　from　the　fireplace；　then　she　turned　and　said：　

〃Have　you　thought　of　what　love　is　between　a　man　and　a　woman　when　it　means

marriage？　　That　long；　long　life　together；　day　after　day；　stripped　of　all

romance　and　distance；　living　face　to　face：　　seeing　each　other　as　a　man　sees

his　own　soul？　　Do　you　realize　that　the　end　of　marriage　is　to　make　the　man

and　woman　stronger　than　they　were；　and　that　if　you　cannot；　when　you　are　an

old　man　and　woman　and　sit　by　the　fire；　say；　'Life　has　been　a　braver　and　a

freer　thing　for　us；　because　we　passed　it　hand　in　hand；　than　if　we　had

passed　through　it　alone；'　it　has　failed？　　Do　you　care　for　him　enough　to

live　for　him；　not　tomorrow；　but　when　he　is　an　old；　faded　man；　and　you　an

old；　faded　woman？　　Can　you　forgive　him　his　sins　and　his　weaknesses；　when

they　hurt　you　most？　　If　he　were　to　lie　a　querulous　invalid　for　twenty

years；　would　you　be　able　to　fold　him　in　your　arms　all　that　time；　and

comfort　him；　as　a　mother　comforts　her　little　child？〃　　The　woman　drew　her

breath　heavily。



〃Oh；　I　love　him　absolutely！　　I　would　be　glad　to　die；　if　only　I　could　once

know　that　he　loved　me　better　than　anything　in　the　world！〃



The　woman　stood　looking　down　at　her。　　〃Have　you　never　thought　of　that　other

woman；　whether　she　could　not　perhaps　make　his　life　as　perfect　as　you？〃　she

asked；　slowly。



〃Oh；　no　woman　ever　could　be　to　him　what　I　would　be。　　I　would　live　for　him。

He　belongs　to　me。〃　　She　bent　herself　forward；　not　crying；　but　her　shoulders

moving。　　〃It　is　such　a　terrible　thing　to　be　a　woman；　to　be　able　to　do

nothing　and　say　nothing！〃



The　woman　put　her　hand　on　her　shoulder；　the　younger　woman　looked　up　into

her　face；　then　the　elder　turned　away　and　stood　looking　into　the　fire。　

There　was　such　quiet；　you　could　hear　the　clock　tick　above　the　writing…

table。



The　woman　said：　　〃There　is　one　thing　I　can　do　for　you。　　I　do　not　know　if　it

will　be　of　any　useI　will　do　it。〃　　She　turned　away。



〃Oh；　you　are　so　great　and　good；　so　beautiful；　so　different　from　other

women；　who　are　always　thinking　only　of　themselves！　　Thank　you　so　much。　　I

know　I　can　trust　you。　　I　couldn't　have　told　my　mother；　or　any　one　but　you。〃



〃Now　you　must　go；　I　have　my　work　to　finish。〃



The　younger　woman　put　her　arms　round　her。　　〃Oh；　you　are　so　good　and

beautiful！〃



The　silk　dress　and　the　fur　cloak　rustled　out　of　the　room。



The　woman　who　was　left　alone　walked　up　and　down；　at　last　faster　and　faster；

till　the　drops　stood　on　her　forehead。　　After　a　time　she　went　up　to　the

table；　there　was　written　illegibly　in　a　man's　hand　on　a　fragment　of

manuscript　paper：　　〃Can　I　come　to　see　you　this　afternoon？〃　　Near　it　was　a

closed　and　addressed　envelope。　　She　opened　it。　　In　it　were　written　the

words：　　〃Yes；　please；　come。〃



She　tore　it　across　and　wrote　the　words：　　〃No；　I　shall　not　be　at　liberty。〃



She　closed　them　in　an　envelope　and　addressed　them。　　Then　she　rolled　up　the

manuscript　on　the　table　and　rang　the　bell。　　She　gave　it　to　the　servant。　

〃Tell　the　boy　to　give　this　to　his　master；　and　say　the　article　ends　rather

abruptly；　they　must　state　it　is　to　be　continued；　I　will　finish　it　tomorrow。

As　he　passes　No。　20　let　him　leave　this　note　there。〃



The　servant　went　out。　　She　walked　up　and　down　with　her　hands　folded　above

her　head。



。。。



Two　months　after；　the　older　woman　stood　before　the　fire。　　The　door　opened

suddenly；　and　the　younger　woman　came　in。



〃I　had　to　comeI　couldn't　wait。　　You　have　heard；　he　was　married　this

morning？　　Oh；　do　you　think　it　is　true？　　Do　help　me！〃　　She　put　out　her

hands。



〃Sit　down。　　Yes；　it　is　quite　true。〃



〃Oh；　it　is　so　terrible；　and　I　didn't　know　anything！　　Did　you　ever　say

anything　to　him？〃　　She　caught　the　woman's　hands。



〃I　never　saw　him　again　after　the　day　you　were　here；so　I　could　not　speak

to　him；but　I　did　what　I　could。〃　　She　stood　looking　passively　into　the

fire。



〃And　they　say　she　is　quite　a　child；　only　eighteen。　　They　say　he　only　saw

her　three　times　before　he　proposed　to　her。　　Do　you　think　it　is　true？〃



〃Yes；　it　is　quite　true。〃



〃He　can't　love　her。　　They　say　he's　only　marrying　her　for　her　rank　and　her

money。〃



The　woman　turned　quickly。



〃What　right　have　you　to　say　that？　　No　one　but　I　know　him。　　What　need　has　he

of　any　one's　rank　or　wealth？　　He　is　greater　than　them　all！　　Older　women　may

have　failed　him；　he　has　needed　to　turn　to　her　beautiful；　fresh；　young　life

to　compensate　him。　　She　is　a　woman　whom　any　man　might　have　loved；　so　young

and　beautiful；　her　family　are　famed　for　their　intellect。　　If　he　trains　her；

she　may　make　him　a　better　wife　than　any　other　woman　would　have　done。〃



〃Oh；　but　I　can't　bear　itI　can't　bear　it！〃　　The　younger　woman　sat　down　in

the　chair。　　〃She　will　be　his　wife；　and　have　his　children。〃



〃Yes。〃　　The　elder　woman　moved　quickly。　　〃One　wants　to　have　the　child；　and

lay　its　head　on　one's　breast　and　feed　it。〃　　She　moved　quickly。　　〃It　would

not　matter　if　another　woman　bore　it；　if　one　had　it　to　take　care　of。〃　　She

moved　restlessly。



〃Oh；　no；　I　couldn't　bear　it　to　be　hers。　　When　I　think　of　her　I　feel　as　if　I

were　dying；　all　my　fingers　turn　cold；　I　feel　dead。　　Oh；　you　were　only　his

friend；　you　don't　know！〃



The　older　spoke　softly　and　quickly；　〃Don't　you　feel　a　little　gentle　to　her

when　you　think　she's　going　to　be　his　wife　and　the　mother　of　his　child？　　I

would　like　to　put　my　arms　round　her　and　touch　her　once；　if　she　would　let

me。　　She　is　so　beautiful；　they　say。〃



〃Oh；　I　could　never　bear　to　see　her；　it　would　kill　me。　　And　they　are　so

happy　together　today！　　He　is　loving　her　so！〃



〃Don't　you　want　him　to　be　happy？〃　　The　older　woman　looked　down　at　her。　

〃Have　you　never　loved　him；　at　all？〃



The　younger　woman's　face　was　covered　with　her　hands。　　〃Oh；　it's　so

terrible；　so　dark！　and　I　shall　go　on　living　year　after　year；　always　in　this

awful　pain！　　Oh；　if　I　could　only　die！〃



The　older　woman　stood　looking　into　the　fire；　then　slowly　and　measuredly　she

said；　〃There　are　times；　in　life；　when　everything　seems　dark；　when　the　brain

reels；　and　we　cannot　see　that　there　is　anything　but　death。　　But；　if　we　wait

long　enough；　after　long；　long　years；　calm　comes。　　It　may　be　we　cannot　say

it　was　well；　but　we　are　contented；　we　accept　the　past。　　The　struggle　is

ended。　　That　day　may　come　for　you；　perhaps　sooner　than　you　think。〃　　She

spoke　slowly　and　with　difficulty。



〃No；　it　can　never　come　for　me。　　If　once　I　have　loved　a　thing；　I　love　it　for

ever。　　I　can　never　forget。〃



〃Love　is　not　the　only　end　in　life。　　There　are　other　things　to　live　for。〃



〃Oh；　yes；　for　you！　　To　me　love　is　everything！〃



〃Now；　you　must　go；　dear。〃



The　younger　woman　stood　up。　　〃It　has　been　such　a　comfort　to　talk　to　you。　　I

think　I　should　have　killed　myself　if　I　had　not　come。　　You　help　me　so。　　I

shall　always　be　grateful　to　you。〃



The　older　woman　took　her　hand。



〃I　want　to　ask　something　of　you。〃



〃What　is　it？〃



〃I　cannot　quite　explain　to　you。　　You　will　not　understand。　　But　there　are

times　when　something　more　terrible　can　come　into　a　life　than　it　should　lose

what　it　loves。　　If　you　have　had　a　dream　of　what　life　ought　to　be；　and　you

try　to　make　it　real；　and　you　fail；　and　something　you　have　killed　out　in

your　heart　for　long　years　wakes　up　and　cries；　'Let　each　man　play　his　own

game；　and　care　nothing　for　the　hand　of　his　fellow！　　Each　man　for　himself。　

So　the　game　must　be　played！'　and　you　doubt　all　you　have　lived　for；　and　the

ground　seems　washing　out　under　your　feet。〃　　She　paused。　　〃Such　a　time　has

come　to　me　now。　　If　you　would　promise　me　that　if　ever　another　woman　comes

to　seek　your　help；　you　will　give　it　to　her；　and　try　to　love　her　for　my

sake；　I　think　it　will　help　me。　　I　think　I　should　be　able　to　keep　my　faith。〃



〃Oh；　I　will　do　anything　you　ask　me　to。　　You　are　so　good　and　great。〃



〃Oh；　good　and　great！if　you　knew！　　Now　go；　dear。〃



〃I　have　not　kept　you　from　your　work；　have　I？〃



〃No；　I　have　not　been　working　lately。　　Good…by；　dear。〃



The　younger　woman　went；　and　the　elder　knelt　down　by　the　chair；　and　wailed

like　a　little　child　when　you　have　struck　it　and　it　does　not　dare　to　cry

loud。



A　year　after；　it　was　early　spring　again。



The　woman　sat　at　her　desk　writing；　behind　her　the　fire　burnt　brightly。　　She