the lifted veil-第6部分

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impulse　to　go　on　at　once　to　the　bridge；　and　put　an　end　to　the
suspense　I　had　been　wishing　to　protract。　　I　declared；　with　unusual
decision；　that　I　would　get　out　of　the　carriage　and　walk　on　alone；
they　might　return　without　me。　　My　father；　thinking　this　merely　a
sample　of　my　usual　〃poetic　nonsense；〃　objected　that　I　should　only
do　myself　harm　by　walking　in　the　heat；　but　when　I　persisted；　he
said　angrily　that　I　might　follow　my　own　absurd　devices；　but　that
Schmidt　（our　courier）　must　go　with　me。　　I　assented　to　this；　and　set
off　with　Schmidt　towards　the　bridge。　　I　had　no　sooner　passed　from
under　the　archway　of　the　grand　old　gate　leading　an　to　the　bridge；
than　a　trembling　seized　me；　and　I　turned　cold　under　the　mid…day
sun；　yet　I　went　on；　I　was　in　search　of　somethinga　small　detail
which　I　remembered　with　special　intensity　as　part　of　my　vision。
There　it　wasthe　patch　of　rainbow　light　on　the　pavement
transmitted　through　a　lamp　in　the　shape　of　a　star。



CHAPTER　II



Before　the　autumn　was　at　an　end；　and　while　the　brown　leaves　still
stood　thick　on　the　beeches　in　our　park；　my　brother　and　Bertha　were
engaged　to　each　other；　and　it　was　understood　that　their　marriage
was　to　take　place　early　in　the　next　spring。　　In　spite　of　the
certainty　I　had　felt　from　that　moment　on　the　bridge　at　Prague；　that
Bertha　would　one　day　be　my　wife；　my　constitutional　timidity　and
distrust　had　continued　to　benumb　me；　and　the　words　in　which　I　had
sometimes　premeditated　a　confession　of　my　love；　had　died　away
unuttered。　　The　same　conflict　had　gone　on　within　me　as　beforethe
longing　for　an　assurance　of　love　from　Bertha's　lips；　the　dread　lest
a　word　of　contempt　and　denial　should　fall　upon　me　like　a　corrosive
acid。　　What　was　the　conviction　of　a　distant　necessity　to　me？　　l
trembled　under　a　present　glance；　I　hungered　after　a　present　joy；　I
was　clogged　and　chilled　by　a　present　fear。　　And　so　the　days　passed
on：　　I　witnessed　Bertha's　engagement　and　heard　her　marriage
discussed　as　if　I　were　under　a　conscious　nightmareknowing　it　was
a　dream　that　would　vanish；　but　feeling　stifled　under　the　grasp　of
hard…clutching　fingers。

When　I　was　not　in　Bertha's　presenceand　I　was　with　her　very　often；
for　she　continued　to　treat　me　with　a　playful　patronage　that　wakened
no　jealousy　in　my　brotherI　spent　my　time　chiefly　in　wandering；　in
strolling；　or　taking　long　rides　while　the　daylight　lasted；　and　then
shutting　myself　up　with　my　unread　books；　for　books　had　lost　the
power　of　chaining　my　attention。　　My　self…consciousness　was
heightened　to　that　pitch　of　intensity　in　which　our　own　emotions
take　the　form　of　a　drama　which　urges　itself　imperatively　on　our
contemplation；　and　we　begin　to　weep；　less　under　the　sense　of　our
suffering　than　at　the　thought　of　it。　　I　felt　a　sort　of　pitying
anguish　over　the　pathos　of　my　own　lot：　　the　lot　of　a　being　finely
organized　for　pain；　but　with　hardly　any　fibres　that　responded　to
pleasureto　whom　the　idea　of　future　evil　robbed　the　present　of　its
joy；　and　for　whom　the　idea　of　future　good　did　not　still　the
uneasiness　of　a　present　yearning　or　a　present　dread。　　I　went　dumbly
through　that　stage　of　the　poet's　suffering；　in　which　he　feels　the
delicious　pang　of　utterance；　and　makes　an　image　of　his　sorrows。

I　was　left　entirely　without　remonstrance　concerning　this　dreamy
wayward　life：　　I　knew　my　father's　thought　about　me：　　〃That　lad　will
never　be　good　for　anything　in　life：　　he　may　waste　his　years　in　an
insignificant　way　on　the　income　that　falls　to　him：　　I　shall　not
trouble　myself　about　a　career　for　him。〃

One　mild　morning　in　the　beginning　of　November；　it　happened　that　I
was　standing　outside　the　portico　patting　lazy　old　Caesar；　a
Newfoundland　almost　blind　with　age；　the　only　dog　that　ever　took　any
notice　of　mefor　the　very　dogs　shunned　me；　and　fawned　on　the
happier　people　about　mewhen　the　groom　brought　up　my　brother's
horse　which　was　to　carry　him　to　the　hunt；　and　my　brother　himself
appeared　at　the　door；　florid；　broad…chested；　and　self…complacent；
feeling　what　a　good…natured　fellow　he　was　not　to　behave　insolently
to　us　all　on　the　strength　of　his　great　advantages。

〃Latimer；　old　boy；〃　he　said　to　me　in　a　tone　of　compassionate
cordiality；　〃what　a　pity　it　is　you　don't　have　a　run　with　the　hounds
now　and　then！　　The　finest　thing　in　the　world　for　low　spirits！〃

〃Low　spirits！〃　I　thought　bitterly；　as　he　rode　away；　〃that　is　the
sort　of　phrase　with　which　coarse；　narrow　natures　like　yours　think
to　describe　experience　of　which　you　can　know　no　more　than　your
horse　knows。　　It　is　to　such　as　you　that　the　good　of　this　world
falls：　　ready　dulness；　healthy　selfishness；　good…tempered　conceit
these　are　the　keys　to　happiness。〃

The　quick　thought　came；　that　my　selfishness　was　even　stronger　than
hisit　was　only　a　suffering　selfishness　instead　of　an　enjoying
one。　　But　then；　again；　my　exasperating　insight　into　Alfred's　self…
complacent　soul；　his　freedom　from　all　the　doubts　and　fears；　the
unsatisfied　yearnings；　the　exquisite　tortures　of　sensitiveness；
that　had　made　the　web　of　my　life；　seemed　to　absolve　me　from　all
bonds　towards　him。　　This　man　needed　no　pity；　no　love；　those　fine
influences　would　have　been　as　little　felt　by　him　as　the　delicate
white　mist　is　felt　by　the　rock　it　caresses。　　There　was　no　evil　in
store　for　HIM：　　if　he　was　not　to　marry　Bertha；　it　would　be　because
he　had　found　a　lot　pleasanter　to　himself。

Mr。　Filmore's　house　lay　not　more　than　half　a　mile　beyond　our　own
gates；　and　whenever　I　knew　my　brother　was　gone　in　another
direction；　I　went　there　for　the　chance　of　finding　Bertha　at　home。
Later　on　in　the　day　I　walked　thither。　　By　a　rare　accident　she　was
alone；　and　we　walked　out　in　the　grounds　together；　for　she　seldom
went　on　foot　beyond　the　trimly…swept　gravel…walks。　　I　remember　what
a　beautiful　sylph　she　looked　to　me　as　the　low　November　sun　shone　on
her　blond　hair；　and　she　tripped　along　teasing　me　with　her　usual
light　banter；　to　which　I　listened　half　fondly；　half　moodily；　it　was
all　the　sign　Bertha's　mysterious　inner　self　ever　made　to　me。　　To…
day　perhaps；　the　moodiness　predominated；　for　I　had　not　yet　shaken
off　the　access　of　jealous　hate　which　my　brother　had　raised　in　me　by
his　parting　patronage。　　Suddenly　I　interrupted　and　startled　her　by
saying；　almost　fiercely；　〃Bertha；　how　can　you　love　Alfred？〃

She　looked　at　me　with　surprise　for　a　moment；　but　soon　her　light
smile　came　again；　and　she　answered　sarcastically；　〃Why　do　you
suppose　I　love　him？〃

〃How　can　you　ask　that；　Bertha？〃

〃What！　your　wisdom　thinks　I　must　love　the　man　I'm　going　to　marry？
The　most　unpleasant　thing　in　the　world。　　I　should　quarrel　with　him；
I　should　be　jealous　of　him；　our　menage　would　be　conducted　in　a　very
ill…bred　manner。　　A　little　quiet　contempt　contributes　greatly　to
the　elegance　of　life。〃

〃Bertha；　that　is　not　your　real　feeling。　　Why　do　you　delight　in
trying　to　deceive　me　by　inventing　such　cynical　speeches？〃

〃I　need　never　take　the　trouble　of　invention　in　order　to　deceive
you；　my　small　Tasso〃　（that　was　the　mocking　name　she　usually　gave
me）。　　〃The　easiest　way　to　deceive　a　poet　is　to　tell　him　the　truth。〃

She　was　testing　the　validity　of　her　epigram　in　a　daring　way；　and
for　a　moment　the　shadow　of　my　visionthe　Bertha　whose　soul　was　no
secret　to　mepassed　between　me　and　the　radiant　girl；　the　playful
sylph　whose　feelings　were　a　fascinating　mystery。　　I　suppose　I　must
have　shuddered；　or　betrayed　in　some　other　way　my　momentary　chill　of
horror。

〃Tasso！〃　she　said；　seizing　my　wrist；　and　peeping　round　into　my
face；　〃are　you　really　beginning　to　discern　what　a　heartless　girl　I
am？　　Why；　you　are　not　half　the　poet　I　thought　you　were；　you　are
actually　capable　of　believing　the　truth　about　me。〃

The　shadow　passed　from　between　us；　and　was　no　longer　the　object
nearest　to　me。　　The　girl　whose　light　fingers　grasped　me；　whose
elfish　charming　face　looked　into　minewho；　I　thought；　was
betraying　an　interest　in　my　feelings　that　she　would　not　have
directly　avowed；this　warm　breathing　presence　again　possessed　my
senses　and　imagination　like　a　returning　siren　melody　which　had　been
overpowered　for　an　instant　by　the　roar　of　threatening　waves。　　It
was　a　moment　as　delicious　to　me　as　the　waking　up　to　a　consciousness
of　youth　after　a　dream　of　middle　age。　　I　forgot　everything　but　my
passion；　and　said　with　swimming　eyes　…

〃Bertha；　shall　you　love　me　when　we　are　first　married？　　I　wouldn't
mind　if　you　really　loved　me　only　for　a　little　while。〃

Her　look　of　astonishment；　as　she　loosed　my　hand　and　started　away
from　me；　recalled　me　to　a　sense　of　my　strange；　my　criminal
indiscretion。

〃Forgive　me；〃　I　said；　hurriedly；　as　soon　as　I　could　speak　again；　〃I
did　not　know　what　I　was　saying。〃

〃Ah；　Tasso's　mad　fit　has　come　on；　I　see；〃　she　answered　quietly；　for
she　had　recovered　herself　sooner　than　I　had。　　〃Let　him　go　home　and
keep　his　head　cool。　　I　must　go　in；　for　the　sun　is　setting。〃

I　left　herfull　of　indignation　against　myself。　　I　had　let　slip
words　which；　if　she　reflected　on　them；　might　rouse　in　her　a
suspicion　of　my　abnormal　mental　conditiona　suspicion　which　of　all
things　I　dreaded。　　And　besides　that；　I　was　ashamed　of　the　apparent
baseness　I　had　committed　in　uttering　them　to　my　brother's　betrothed
wife。　　I　wandered　home　slowly；　entering　our　park　through　a　private
gate　instead　of　by　the　lodges。　　As　I　approached　the　house；　I　saw　a
man　dashing　off　at　full　speed　from　the　stable…yard　across　the　park。
Had　any　accident　happened　at　home？　　No；　perhaps　it　was　only　one　of
my　father's　peremptory　business　errands　that　required　this　headlong
haste。

Nevertheless　I　quickened　my　pace　without　any　distinct　motive；　and
was　soon　at　the　house。　　I　will　not　dwell　on　the　scene　I　found
there。　　My　brother　was　deadhad　been　pitched　from　his　horse；　and
killed　on　the　spot　by　a　concussion　of　the　brain。

I　went　up　to　the　room　where　he　lay；　and　where　my　father　was　seated
beside　him　with　a　look　of　rigid　despair。　　I　had　shunned　my　father
more　than　any　one　since　our　return　home；　for　the　radical　antipathy
between　our　natures　made　my　insight　into　his　inner　self　a　constant
affliction　to　me。　　But　now；　as　I　went　up　to　him；　and　stood　beside
him　in　sad　silence；　I　felt　the　presence　of　a　new　element　that
blended　us　as　we　had　never　been　blent　before。　　My　father　h