augustus does his bit-第3部分

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flattened　projectile　as　a　trophy　＇he　throws　it　on　the　table；　the
noise　it　makes　testifies　to　its　weight＇。　Had　it　penetrated　to　the
brain　I　might　never　have　sat　on　another　Royal　Commission。
Fortunately　we　have　strong　heads；　we　Highcastles。　Nothing　has
ever　penetrated　to　our　brains。

THE　LADY。　How　thrilling！　How　simple！　And　how　tragic！　But　you　will
forgive　England？　Remember：　England！　Forgive　her。

AUGUSTUS　＇with　gloomy　magnanimity＇。　It　will　make　no　difference
whatever　to　my　services　to　my　country。　Though　she　slay　me；　yet
will　I；　if　not　exactly　trust　in　her；　at　least　take　my　part　in　her
government。　I　am　ever　at　my　country's　call。　Whether　it　be　the
embassy　in　a　leading　European　capital；　a　governor…generalship　in
the　tropics；　or　my　humble　mission　here　to　make　Little　Pifflington
do　its　bit；　I　am　always　ready　for　the　sacrifice。　Whilst　England
remains　England；　wherever　there　is　a　public　job　to　be　done　you
will　find　a　Highcastle　sticking　to　it。　And　now；　madam；　enough　of
my　tragic　personal　history。　You　have　called　on　business。　What　can
I　do　for　you？

THE　LADY。　You　have　relatives　at　the　Foreign　Office；　have　you　not？

AUGUSTUS　＇haughtily＇。　Madam；　the　Foreign　Office　is　staffed　by　my
relatives　exclusively。

THE　LADY。　Has　the　Foreign　Office　warned　you　that　you　are　being
pursued　by　a　female　spy　who　is　determined　to　obtain　possession　of
a　certain　list　of　gun　emplacements？

AUGUSTUS　＇interrupting　her　somewhat　loftily＇。　All　that　is
perfectly　well　known　to　this　department；　madam。

THE　LADY　＇surprised　and　rather　indignant＇。　Is　it？　Who　told　you？
Was　it　one　of　your　German　brothers…in…law？

AUGUSTUS　＇injured；　remonstrating＇。　I　have　only　three　German
brothers…in…law；　madam。　Really；　from　your　tone；　one　would　suppose
that　I　had　several。　Pardon　my　sensitiveness　on　that　subject；　but
reports　are　continually　being　circulated　that　I　have　been　shot　as
a　traitor　in　the　courtyard　of　the　Ritz　Hotel　simply　because　I
have　German　brothers…in…law。　＇With　feeling。＇　If　you　had　a　German
brother…in…law；　madam；　you　would　know　that　nothing　else　in　the
world　produces　so　strong　an　anti…German　feeling。　Life　affords　no
keener　pleasure　than　finding　a　brother…in…law's　name　in　the
German　casualty　list。

THE　LADY。　Nobody　knows　that　better　than　I。　Wait　until　you　hear
what　I　have　come　to　tell　you：　you　will　understand　me　as　no　one
else　could。　Listen。　This　spy；　this　woman

AUGUSTUS　＇all　attention＇。　Yes？

THE　LADY。　She　is　a　German。　A　Hun。

AUGUSTUS。　Yes；　yes。　She　would　be。　Continue。

THE　LADY。　She　is　my　sister…in…law。

AUGUSTUS　＇deferentially＇。　I　see　you　are　well　connected；　madam。
Proceed。

THE　LADY。　Need　I　add　that　she　is　my　bitterest　enemy？

AUGUSTUS。　May　I＇he　proffers　his　hand。　They　shake；　fervently。
》From　this　moment　onward　Augustus　becomes　more　and　more
confidential；　gallant；　and　charming。＇

THE　LADY。　Quite　so。　Well；　she　is　an　intimate　friend　of　your
brother　at　the　War　Office；　Hungerford　Highcastle；　Blueloo　as　you
call　him；　I　don't　know　why。

AUGUSTUS　＇explaining＇。　He　was　originally　called　The　Singing
Oyster；　because　he　sang　drawing…room　ballads　with　such　an
extraordinary　absence　of　expression。　He　was　then　called　the　Blue
Point　for　a　season　or　two。　Finally　he　became　Blueloo。

THE　LADY。　Oh；　indeed：　I　didn't　know。　Well；　Blueloo　is　simply
infatuated　with　my　sister…in…law；　and　he　has　rashly　let　out　to
her　that　this　list　is　in　your　possession。　He　forgot　himself
because　he　was　in　a　towering　rage　at　its　being　entrusted　to　you：
his　language　was　terrible。　He　ordered　all　the　guns　to　be　shifted
at　once。

AUGUSTUS。　What　on　earth　did　he　do　that　for？

THE　LADY。　I　can't　imagine。　But　this　I　know。　She　made　a　bet　with
him　that　she　would　come　down　here　and　obtain　possession　of　that
list　and　get　clean　away　into　the　street　with　it。　He　took　the　bet
on　condition　that　she　brought　it　straight　back　to　him　at　the　War
Office。

AUGUSTUS。　Good　heavens！　And　you　mean　to　tell　me　that　Blueloo　was
such　a　dolt　as　to　believe　that　she　could　succeed？　Does　he　take　me
for　a　fool？

THE　LADY。　Oh；　impossible！　He　is　jealous　of　your　intellect。　The
bet　is　an　insult　to　you：　don't　you　feel　that？　After　what　you　have
done　for　our　country

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　never　mind　that。　It　is　the　idiocy　of　the　thing　I
look　at。　He'll　lose　his　bet；　and　serve　him　right！

THE　LADY。　You　feel　sure　you　will　be　able　to　resist　the　siren？　I
warn　you；　she　is　very　fascinating。

AUGUSTUS。　You　need　have　no　fear；　madam。　I　hope　she　will　come　and
try　it　on。　Fascination　is　a　game　that　two　can　play　at。　For
centuries　the　younger　sons　of　the　Highcastles　have　had　nothing　to
do　but　fascinate　attractive　females　when　they　were　not　sitting　on
Royal　Commissions　or　on　duty　at　Knightsbridge　barracks。　By　Gad；
madam；　if　the　siren　comes　here　she　will　meet　her　match。

THE　LADY。　I　feel　that。　But　if　she　fails　to　seduce　you

AUGUSTUS　＇blushing＇。　Madam！

THE　LADY　＇continuing＇from　your　allegiance

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　that！

THE　LADY。　she　will　resort　to　fraud；　to　force；　to　anything。　She
will　burgle　your　office：　she　will　have　you　attacked　and　garotted
at　night　in　the　street。

AUGUSTUS。　Pooh！　I'm　not　afraid。

THE　LADY。　Oh；　your　courage　will　only　tempt　you　into　danger。　She
may　get　the　list　after　all。　It　is　true　that　the　guns　are　moved。
But　she　would　win　her　bet。

AUGUSTUS　＇cautiously＇。　You　did　not　say　that　the　guns　were　moved。
You　said　that　Blueloo　had　ordered　them　to　be　moved。

THE　LADY。　Well；　that　is　the　same　thing；　isn't　it？

AUGUSTUS。　Not　quiteat　the　War　Office。　No　doubt　those　guns　WILL
be　moved：　possibly　even　before　the　end　of　the　war。

THE　LADY。　Then　you　think　they　are　there　still！　But　if　the　German
War　Office　gets　the　listand　she　will　copy　it　before　she　gives
it　back　to　Blueloo；　you　may　depend　on　itall　is　lost。

AUGUSTUS　＇lazily＇。　Well；　I　should　not　go　as　far　as　that。
＇Lowering　his　voice。＇　Will　you　swear　to　me　not　to　repeat　what　I
am　going　to　say　to　you；　for　if　the　British　public　knew　that　I　had
said　it；　I　should　be　at　once　hounded　down　as　a　pro…German。

THE　LADY。　I　will　be　silent　as　the　grave。　I　swear　it。

AUGUSTUS　＇again　taking　it　easily＇。　Well；　our　people　have　for　some
reason　made　up　their　minds　that　the　German　War　Office　is
everything　that　our　War　Office　is　notthat　it　carries
promptitude；　efficiency；　and　organization　to　a　pitch　of
completeness　and　perfection　that　must　be；　in　my　opinion；
destructive　to　the　happiness　of　the　staff。　My　own　viewwhich　you
are　pledged；　remember；　not　to　betrayis　that　the　German　War
Office　is　no　better　than　any　other　War　Office。　I　found　that
opinion　on　my　observation　of　the　characters　of　my
brothers…in…law：　one　of　whom；　by　the　way；　is　on　the　German
general　staff。　I　am　not　at　all　sure　that　this　list　of　gun
emplacements　would　receive　the　smallest　attention。　You　see；　there
are　always　so　many　more　important　things　to　be　attended　to。
Family　matters；　and　so　on；　you　understand。

THE　LADY。　Still；　if　a　question　were　asked　in　the　House　of
Commons

AUGUSTUS。　The　great　advantage　of　being　at　war；　madam；　is　that
nobody　takes　the　slightest　notice　of　the　House　of　Commons。　No
doubt　it　is　sometimes　necessary　for　a　Minister　to　soothe　the　more
seditious　members　of　that　assembly　by　giving　a　pledge　or　two；　but
the　War　Office　takes　no　notice　of　such　things。

THE　LADY　＇staring　at　him＇。　Then　you　think　this　list　of　gun
emplacements　doesn't　matter！！

AUGUSTUS。　By　no　means；　madam。　It　matters　very　much　indeed。　If
this　spy　were　to　obtain　possession　of　the　list；　Blueloo　would
tell　the　story　at　every　dinner…table　in　London；　and

THE　LADY。　And　you　might　lose　your　post。　Of　course。

AUGUSTUS　＇amazed　and　indignant＇。　I　lose　my　post！　What　are　you
dreaming　about；　madam？　How　could　I　possibly　be　spared？　There　are
hardly　Highcastles　enough　at　present　to　fill　half　the　posts
created　by　this　war。　No：　Blueloo　would　not　go　that　far。　He　is　at
least　a　gentleman。　But　I　should　be　chaffed；　and；　frankly；　I　don't
like　being　chaffed。

THE　LADY。　Of　course　not。　Who　does？　It　would　never　do。　Oh　never；
never。

AUGUSTUS。　I'm　glad　you　see　it　in　that　light。　And　now；　as　a
measure　of　security；　I　shall　put　that　list　in　my　pocket。　＇He
begins　searching　vainly　from　drawer　to　drawer　in　the
writing…table。＇　Where　on　earth？　What　the　dickens　did　I？
That's　very　odd：　IWhere　the　deuce？　I　thought　I　had　put　it　in
theOh；　here　it　is！　No：　this　is　Lucy's　last　letter。

THE　LADY　＇elegiacally＇。　Lucy's　Last　Letter！　What　a　title　for　a
picture　play！

AUGUSTUS　＇delighted＇。　Yes：　it　is；　isn't　it？　Lucy　appeals　to　the
imagination　like　no　other　woman。　By　the　way　＇handing　over　the
letter＇；　I　wonder　could　you　read　it　for　me？　Lucy　is　a　darling
girl；　but　I　really　can't　read　her　writing。　In　London　I　get　the
office　typist　to　decipher　it　and　make　me　a　typed　copy；　but　here
there　is　nobody。

THE　LADY　＇puzzling　over　it＇。　It　is　really　almost　illegible。　I
think　the　beginning　is　meant　for　〃Dearest　Gus。〃

AUGUSTUS　＇eagerly＇。　Yes：　that　is　what　she　usually　calls　me。
Please　go　on。

THE　LADY　＇trying　to　decipher　it＇。　〃What　a〃〃what　a〃oh　yes：
〃what　a　forgetful　old〃something〃you　are！〃　I　can't　make　out
the　word。

AUGUSTUS　＇greatly　interested＇。　Is　it　blighter？　That　is　a　favorite
expression　of　hers。

THE　LADY。　I　think　so。　At　all　events　it　begins　with　a　B。
＇Reading。＇　〃What　a　forgetful　old〃＇she　is　interrupted　by　a　knock
at　the　door。＇

AUGUSTUS　＇impatiently＇。　Come　in。　＇The　clerk　enters；　clean　shaven
and　in　khaki；　with　an　official　paper　and　an　envelope　in　his
hand。＇　What　is　this　ridiculous　mummery　sir？

THE　CLERK　＇coming　to　the　table　and　exhibiting　his　uniform　to
both＇。　They've　passed　me。　The　recruiting　officer　come　for　me。
I've　had　my　two　and　seven。

AUGUSTUS　＇rising　wrathfully＇。　I　shall　not　permit　it。　What　do　they
mean　by　taking　my　office　staff？　Good　God！　they　will　be　taking　our
hunt　servants　next。　＇Confronting　the　clerk。＇　What　did　the　man
mean？　What　did　he　say？

THE　CLERK。　He　said　that　now　you　was　on　the　job　we'd　want　another
million　men；　and　he　was　going　to　take　the　old…age　pensioners　or
anyone　he　could　get。

AUGUSTUS。　And　did　you　dare　to　knock　at　my　door　and　interrupt　my
business　with　this　lady　to　repeat　this　man's　ineptitudes？

THE　CLERK。　No。　I　come　because　the　waiter　from　the　hotel　brought
this　paper。　You　left　it　on　the　coffeeroom　breakfast…table