augustus does his bit-第4部分

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THE　CLERK。　No。　I　come　because　the　waiter　from　the　hotel　brought
this　paper。　You　left　it　on　the　coffeeroom　breakfast…table　this
morning。

THE　LADY　＇intercepting　it＇。　It　is　the　list。　Good　heavens！

THE　CLERK　＇proffering　the　envelope＇。　He　says　he　thinks　this　is
the　envelope　belonging　to　it。

THE　LADY　＇snatching　the　envelope　also＇。　Yes！　Addressed　to　you；
Lord　Augustus！　＇Augustus　comes　back　to　the　table　to　look　at　it。＇
Oh；　how　imprudent！　Everybody　would　guess　its　importance　with　your
name　on　it。　Fortunately　I　have　some　letters　of　my　own　here
＇opening　her　wallet。＇　Why　not　hide　it　in　one　of　my　envelopes？
then　no　one　will　dream　that　the　enclosure　is　of　any　political
value。　＇Taking　out　a　letter；　she　crosses　the　room　towards　the
window；　whispering　to　Augustus　as　she　passes　him。＇　Get　rid　of
that　man。

AUGUSTUS　＇haughtily　approaching　the　clerk；　who　humorously　makes　a
paralytic　attempt　to　stand　at　attention＇。　Have　you　any　further
business　here；　pray？

THE　CLERK。　Am　I　to　give　the　waiter　anything；　or　will　you　do　it
yourself？

AUGUSTUS。　Which　waiter　is　it？　The　English　one？

THE　CLERK。　No：　the　one　that　calls　hisself　a　Swiss。　Shouldn't
wonder　if　he'd　made　a　copy　of　that　paper。

AUGUSTUS。　Keep　your　impertinent　surmises　to　yourself；　sir。
Remember　that　you　are　in　the　army　now；　and　let　me　have　no　more　of
your　civilian　insubordination。　Attention！　Left　turn！　Quick　march！

THE　CLERK　＇stolidly＇。　I　dunno　what　you　mean。

AUGUSTUS。　Go　to　the　guard…room　and　report　yourself　for　disobeying
orders。　Now　do　you　know　what　I　mean？

THE　CLERK。　Now　look　here。　I　ain't　going　to　argue　with　you

AUGUSTUS。　Nor　I　with　you。　Out　with　you。

He　seizes　the　clerk：　and　rushes　him　through　the　door。　The　moment
the　lady　is　left　alone；　she　snatches　a　sheet　of　official　paper
from　the　stationery　rack：　folds　it　so　that　it　resembles　the　list；
compares　the　two　to　see　that　they　look　exactly　alike：　whips　the
list　into　her　wallet：　and　substitutes　the　facsimile　for　it。　Then
she　listens　for　the　return　of　Augustus。　A　crash　is　heard；　as　of
the　clerk　falling　downstairs。

Augustus　returns　and　is　about　to　close　the　door　when　the　voice　of
the　clerk　is　heard　from　below。

THE　CLERK。　I'll　have　the　law　of　you　for　this；　I　will。

AUGUSTUS　＇shouting　down　to　him＇。　There's　no　more　law　for　you；　you
scoundrel。　You're　a　soldier　now。　＇He　shuts　the　door　and　comes　to
the　lady。＇　Thank　heaven；　the　war　has　given　us　the　upper　hand　of
these　fellows　at　last。　Excuse　my　violence；　but　discipline　is
absolutely　necessary　in　dealing　with　the　lower　middle　classes。

THE　LADY。　Serve　the　insolent　creature　right！　Look　I　have　found
you　a　beautiful　envelope　for　the　list；　an　unmistakable　lady's
envelope。　＇She　puts　the　sham　list　into　her　envelope　and　hands　it
to　him。＇

AUGUSTUS。　Excellent。　Really　very　clever　of　you。　＇Slyly。＇　Come：
would　you　like　to　have　a　peep　at　the　list　＇beginning　to　take　the
blank　paper　from　the　envelope＇？

THE　LADY　＇on　the　brink　of　detection＇。　No　no。　Oh；　please；　no。

AUGUSTUS。　Why？　It　won't　bite　you　＇drawing　it　out　further。＇

THE　LADY　＇snatching　at　his　hand＇。　Stop。　Remember：　if　there　should
be　an　inquiry；　you　must　be　able　to　swear　that　you　never　showed
that　list　to　a　mortal　soul。

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　that　is　a　mere　form。　If　you　are　really　curious

THE　LADY。　I　am　not。　I　couldn't　bear　to　look　at　it。　One　of　my
dearest　friends　was　blown　to　pieces　by　an　aircraft　gun；　and　since
then　I　have　never　been　able　to　think　of　one　without　horror。

AUGUSTUS。　You　mean　it　was　a　real　gun；　and　actually　went　off。　How
sad！　how　sad！　＇He　pushes　the　sham　list　back　into　the　envelope；
and　pockets　it。＇

THE　LADY。　Ah！　＇Great　sigh　of　relief＇。　And　now；　Lord　Augustus；　I
have　taken　up　too　much　of　your　valuable　time。　Goodbye。

AUGUSTUS。　What！　Must　you　go？

THE　LADY。　You　are　so　busy。

AUGUSTUS。　Yes；　but　not　before　lunch；　you　know。　I　never　can　do
much　before　lunch。　And　I'm　no　good　at　all　in　the　afternoon。　From
five　to　six　is　my　real　working　time。　Must　you　really　go？

THE　LADY。　I　must；　really。　I　have　done　my　business　very
satisfactorily。　Thank　you　ever　so　much　＇she　proffers　her　hand＇。

AUGUSTUS　＇shaking　it　affectionately　as　he　leads　her　to　the　door；
but　fast　pressing　the　bell　button　with　his　left　hand＇。　Goodbye。
Goodbye。　So　sorry　to　lose　you。　Kind　of　you　to　come；　but　there　was
no　real　danger。　You　see；　my　dear　little　lady；　all　this　talk　about
war　saving；　and　secrecy；　and　keeping　the　blinds　down　at　night；
and　so　forth；　is　all　very　well；　but　unless　it's　carried　out　with
intelligence；　believe　me；　you　may　waste　a　pound　to　save　a　penny；
you　may　let　out　all　sorts　of　secrets　to　the　enemy；　you　may　guide
the　Zeppelins　right　on　to　your　own　chimneys。　That's　where　the
ability　of　the　governing　class　comes　in。　Shall　the　fellow　call　a
taxi　for　you？

THE　LADY。　No；　thanks：　I　prefer　walking。　Goodbye。　Again；　many；
many　thanks。

She　goes　out。　Augustus　returns　to　the　writing…table　smiling；　and
takes　another　look　at　himself　in　the　mirror。　The　clerk　returns；
with　his　head　bandaged；　carrying　a　poker。

THE　CLERK。　What　did　you　ring　for？　＇Augustus　hastily　drops　the
mirror＇。　Don't　you　come　nigh　me　or　I'll　split　your　head　with　this
poker；　thick　as　it　is。

AUGUSTUS。　It　does　not　seem　to　me　an　exceptionally　thick　poker。　I
rang　for　you　to　show　the　lady　out。

THE　CLERK。　She's　gone。　She　run　out　like　a　rabbit。　I　ask　myself
why　was　she　in　such　a　hurry？

THE　LADY'S　VOICE　＇from　the　street＇。　Lord　Augustus。　Lord　Augustus。

THE　CLERK。　She's　calling　you。

AUGUSTUS　＇running　to　the　window　and　throwing　it　up＇。　What　is　it？
Won't　you　come　up？

THE　LADY。　Is　the　clerk　there？

AUGUSTUS。　Yes。　Do　you　want　him？

THE　LADY。　Yes。

AUGUSTUS。　The　lady　wants　you　at　the　window。

THE　CLERK　＇rushing　to　the　window　and　putting　down　the　poker＇。
Yes；　ma'am？　Here　I　am；　ma'am。　What　is　it；　ma'am？

THE　LADY。　I　want　you　to　witness　that　I　got　clean　away　into　the
street。　I　am　coming　up　now。

The　two　men　stare　at　one　another。

THE　CLERK。　Wants　me　to　witness　that　she　got　clean　away　into　the
street！

AUGUSTUS。　What　on　earth　does　she　mean？

The　lady　returns。

THE　LADY。　May　I　use　your　telephone？

AUGUSTUS。　Certainly。　Certainly。　＇Taking　the　receiver　down。＇　What
number　shall　I　get　you？

THE　LADY。　The　War　Office；　please。

AUGUSTUS。　The　War　Office！？

THE　LADY。　If　you　will　be　so　good。

AUGUSTUS。　ButOh；　very　well。　＇Into　the　receiver。＇　Hallo。　This　is
the　Town　Hall　Recruiting　Office。　Give　me　Colonel　Bogey；　sharp。

A　pause。

THE　CLERK　＇breaking　the　painful　silence＇。　I　don't　think　I'm
awake。　This　is　a　dream　of　a　movie　picture；　this　is。

AUGUSTUS　＇his　ear　at　the　receiver＇。　Shut　up；　will　you？　＇Into　the
telephone。＇　What？。。。＇To　the　lady。＇　Whom　do　you　want　to　get　on　to？

THE　LADY。　Blueloo。

AUGUSTUS　＇into　the　telephone＇。　Put　me　through　to　Lord　Hungerford
Highcastle。。。I'm　his　brother；　idiot。。。That　you；　Blueloo？　Lady
here　at　Little　Pifflington　wants　to　speak　to　you。　Hold　the　line。
＇To　the　lady。＇　Now；　madam　＇he　hands　her　the　receiver＇。

THE　LADY　＇sitting　down　in　Augustus's　chair　to　speak　into　the
telephone＇。　Is　that　Blueloo？。。。Do　you　recognize　my　voice？。。。I've
won　our　bet。。。。

AUGUSTUS。　Your　bet！

THE　LADY　＇into　the　telephone＇。　Yes：　I　have　the　list　in　my　wallet
。。。。

AUGUSTUS。　Nothing　of　the　kind；　madam。　I　have　it　here　in　my
pocket。　＇He　takes　the　envelope　from　his　pocket：　draws　out　the
paper：　and　unfolds　it。＇

THE　LADY　＇continuing＇。　Yes：　I　got　clean　into　the　street　with　it。
I　have　a　witness。　I　could　have　got　to　London　with　it。　Augustus
won't　deny　it。。。。

AUGUSTUS　＇contemplating　the　blank　paper＇。　There's　nothing　written
on　this。　Where　is　the　list　of　guns？

THE　LADY　＇continuing＇。　Oh；　it　was　quite　easy。　I　said　I　was　my
sister…in…law　and　that　I　was　a　Hun。　He　lapped　it　up　like　a　kitten
。。。。

AUGUSTUS。　You　don't　mean　to　say　that

THE　LADY　＇continuing＇。　I　got　hold　of　the　list　for　a　moment　and
changed　it　for　a　piece　of　paper　out　of　his　stationery　rack：　it
was　quite　easy　＇she　laughs：　and　it　is　clear　that　Blueloo　is
laughing　too＇。

AUGUSTUS。　What！

THE　CLERK　＇laughing　slowly　and　laboriously；　with　intense
enjoyment＇。　Ha　ha！　Ha　ha　ha！　Ha！　＇Augustus　rushes　at　him；　he
snatches　up　the　poker　and　stands　on　guard。＇　No　you　don't。

THE　LADY　＇still　at　the　telephone；　waving　her　disengaged　hand
behind　her　impatiently　at　them　to　stop　making　a　noise＇。　Sh…sh…sh…
sh…sh！！！　＇Augustus；　with　a　shrug；　goes　up　the　middle　of　the　room。
The　lady　resumes　her　conversation　with　the　telephone。＇　What？。。。Oh
yes：　I'm　coming　up　by　the　1。35：　why　not　have　tea　with　me　at
Rumpelmeister's？。。。Rum…pel…meister's。　You　know：　they　call　it
Robinson's　now。。。Right。　Ta　ta。　＇She　hangs　up　the　receiver；　and　is
passing　round　the　table　on　her　way　towards　the　door　when　she　is
confronted　by　Augustus。＇

AUGUSTUS。　Madam；　I　consider　your　conduct　most　unpatriotic。　You
make　bets　and　abuse　the　confidence　of　the　hardworked　officials
who　are　doing　their　bit　for　their　country　whilst　our　gallant
fellows　are　perishing　in　the　trenches

THE　LADY。　Oh；　the　gallant　fellows　are　not　all　in　the　trenches；
Augustus。　Some　of　them　have　come　home　for　a　few　days'　hard…earned
leave；　and　I　am　sure　you　won't　grudge　them　a　little　fun　at　your
expense。

THE　CLERK。　Hear！　hear！

AUGUSTUS　＇amiably＇。　Ah；　well！　For　my　country's　sake！








End