苔斯-第11部分

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Tess　was　still　worried　about　her　confession，and　left　the　crowd　of　busy　people　downstairs　to　creep　silently　up　to　Angel's　bedroom．There　she　found　her　letter　unopened，just　under　the　carpet．He　had　not　seen　it．She　could　not　let　him　read　it　now，　in　the　middle　of　the　preparations．She　found　him　alone　for　a　moment．

‘I　must　confess　all　my　mistakes　to　you！’she　said，trying　to　keep　her　words　light．

‘Not　today，my　sweet！We'll　have　plenty　of　time　later　on！　I'll　confess　mine　too．’

‘Then　you　really　don't　want　me　to？’

‘I　don't，Tessy，really．’

From　now　on，her　one　desire，to　call　him　husband，and　then　if　necessary　to　die，carried　her　on．She　moved　in　a　cloud．

There　were　few　people　in　the　church．At　one　point　she　let　her　shoulder　touch　Clare's　arm，to　be　sure　that　he　was　really　there．It　was　only　when　she　came　out　that　she　noticed　the　carriage　they　were　driving　back　in．She　felt　she　must　have　seen　it　in　a　dream．

‘Oh，maybe　you　know　the　story　of　the　d’Urberville　carriage，’said　Angel，‘and　this　one　reminds　you　of　it．In　the　past　a　certain　d’Urberville　committed　a　crime　in　his　carriage，　and　since　then　d’Urbervilles　see　or　hear　the　old　carriage　whenever…　But　it's　rather　depressing　to　talk　about．’

‘Is　it　when　we　are　going　to　die，Angel，or　is　it　when　we　have　committed　a　crime？’

‘Now，Tess！’He　kissed　her．But　she　had　no　energy　left．　She　was　now　Mrs　Angel　Clare，but　wasn't　she　really　Mrs　Alexander　d’Urberville？

Later　that　afternoon　they　left　the　dairy．All　the　dairy　people　watched　them　leave，and　Clare　kissed　the　dairymaids　goodbye．　As　he　was　thanking　the　dairyman，a　cock　crowed　just　in　front　of　him．

‘That's　bad！’whispered　the　dairymen　to　each　other．　‘When　a　cock　crows　at　a　husband　like　that…’and　they　laughed　together　behind　their　hands．

‘Go　away！’shouted　Mr　Crick　at　the　cock．Later　he　said　to　his　wife，‘Why　did　it　have　to　crow　at　Mr　Clare　like　that？’

‘It　only　means　a　change　in　the　weather，’said　Mrs　Crick，　‘not　what　you　think．That's　impossible．’

Tess　and　Angel　arrived　at　the　old　d’Urberville　farmhouse．It　was　empty，although　a　woman　came　to　cook　and　clean　for　them．They　had　their　tea　together，and　Clare　delighted　in　eating　from　the　same　plate　as　Tess．Looking　at　her　he　thought，‘Do　I　realize　how　important　I　am　to　this　woman？　And　how　I　must　look　after　her？I　must　never　forget　to　think　about　her　feelings！’

It　started　to　rain　as　it　grew　dark　outside．Finally　a　man　arrived　from　the　dairy　with　their　bags．

‘I'm　sorry　I'm　late，　sir，’he　said，‘but　terrible　things　have　been　happening　at　the　dairy　You　remember　the　cock　crowing？　Well，whatever　it　means，poor　little　Retty　Priddle　has　tried　to　drown　herself！’

‘What　happened？’asked　Angel．

‘Well，after　you　left，she　and　Marian　walked　from　one　public　house　to　another，drinking．Retty　was　found　in　the　river，later　on．And　Marian　was　found　drunk　in　a　field！’

‘And　Izz？’asked　Tess．

‘Izz　is　at　home　as　usual，but　very　sad　and　depressed．’

As　the　man　left，Tess　sat　sadly　by　the　fire，looking　into　it．　They　were　simple　innocent　girls　who　had　not　been　loved．It　was　wicked　of　her　to　take　all　the　love　without　paying　for　it．　She　would　pay：she　would　tell，there　and　then．

Angel　was　sitting　beside　her，holding　her　hand．Their　faces　were　red　in　the　firelight．

‘This　morning，’he　said　suddenly，‘　we　said　we　would　both　confess　our　mistakes．I　must　tell　you　something　and　you　must　forgive　me．Perhaps　I　ought　to　have　told　you　before．I've　put　off　telling　you，because　I　didn't　want　to　lose　you．’

‘Angel，I'm　sure　I'll　forgive　you…A　wild　hope　was　making　Tess's　heart　beat　faster．

‘Well，wait　a　minute．You　know　how　much　I　believe　in　goodness　and　purity　But　I　myself，when　I　was　in　London　years　ago，did　wrong　with　a　woman　I　hardly　knew．It　lasted　two　days．I　came　home　and　I　have　never　done　anything　like　it　since．Do　you　forgive　me？’

‘Oh　Angel，of　course　I　do！And　I　am　almost　glad，because　now　you　can　forgive　me！I　have　a　confession　too．’

‘Ah　yes，well　confess，you　wicked　little　girl！It　can　hardly　be　more　serious　than　mine．’

‘It　can't，no，it　can't！’She　jumped　up　joyfully　at　the　hope．

‘No，in　fact，it　is　just　the　same．I　will　tell　you　now．’

She　sat　down　again．They　held　hands．The　fire　burned　like　a　Judgement　Day　fire．Her　shadow　rose　high　on　the　wall．　Putting　her　head　against　his，she　bravely　told　the　whole　story　of　her　meeting　with　Alec　d’Urberville　and　its　results．

　　



　


The　Woman　Pays

　　

14

　　

Her　story　came　to　an　end．She　had　not　raised　her　voice：　she　had　not　cried．But　things　seemed　to　change　as　the　story　progressed．The　fire　looked　as　if　it　was　laughing　at　her　troubles．All　the　objects　around　her　appeared　not　to　care　about　her　tragic　history．And　yet　it　was　only　a　short　time　since　he　had　been　kissing　her．Everything　looked　different　now．

Clare　stirred　the　fire．It　was　unnecessary，but　he　felt　he　had　to　do　something．He　had　not　really　taken　in　the　whole　story　yet．He　stood　up．Now　as　he　began　to　understand　the　story　in　its　full　horror，his　face　was　like　an　old　man's．He　made　uncertain　movements，because　everything　in　his　head　was　vague　and　uncertain．He　could　not　make　himself　think　clearly．

‘Tess！Can　I　believe　this？Are　you　mad　perhaps？My　wife，　my　Tess—you　aren't　mad，are　you？’

‘I　am　not，’she　said．

‘And　yet，’he　said，looking　strangely　at　her，‘why　didn't　you　tell　me　before？Oh　yes，you　would　have　told　me，in　a　way，but　I　stopped　you，I　remember！’

He　was　talking　but　could　not　think　at　the　same　time．　His　brain　seemed　to　have　stopped　working．He　turned　away　from　her．Tess　followed　him　and　stood　there　staring　at　him　with　dry　eyes．Then　she　went　down　on　her　knees　beside　him．

‘In　the　name　of　our　love，forgive　me！she　whispered　with　a　168　dry　mouth．‘I　have　forgiven　you　for　the　same！’

And　as　he　did　not　answer，she　said　again，

‘Forgive　me　as　you　are　forgiven！I　forgive　you，Angel！’

‘You—yes，you　do．’

‘But　you　do　not　forgive　me？’

‘Oh，Tess，it's　not　a　question　of　forgiveness！You　were　one　person，now　you　are　another．How　can　forgiveness　put　that　right？’

He　paused，considering　this．Then　suddenly　he　started　laughing　in　an　unnatural，horrible　way．It　was　like　a　laugh　out　of　hell．

‘Don't—don't！’she　cried，her　face　dead　white．‘It　kills　me，that　laugh！Angel，do　you　know　what　you're　doing　to　me？I've　been　hoping，longing，praying　to　make　you　happy！’

‘I　know　that．’

‘I　thought，Angel，that　you　loved　me—me，my　very　self！’　If　you　do　love　me，how　can　you　treat　me　like　this？It　frightens　me！Having　begun　to　love　you，I　will　love　you　for　ever，in　all　changes，in　all　troubles，because　you　are　yourself．I　ask　no　more．Then　how　can　you，my　husband，stop　loving　me？’

‘I　repeat，the　woman　I　have　been　loving　is　not　you．’

‘But　who　is　she？’

‘Another　woman　in　your　shape．’

Suddenly　she　realized　how　he　saw　her．For　him　she　was　a　guilty　woman　pretending　to　be　an　innocent　one．There　was　terror　in　her　white　face　as　she　saw　this．She　could　not　stand，　and　he　stepped　forward，thinking　she　might　fall．

‘Sit　down，’he　said　gently．‘You　are　ill，and　I　am　not　surprised．’

She　sat　down，her　face　still　full　of　fear　and　her　eyes　wild．

‘I　don't　belong　to　you　any　more　then，do　I，Angel？’she　asked　helplessly．And　at　last　the　tears　came．Clare　watched　her　sobbing，and　waited　until　the　first　violence　of　her　emotion　had　passed．

‘Angel，’she　said　suddenly　in　a　normal　voice，‘am　I　too　wicked　for　us　to　live　together？’

‘I　haven't　had　time　to　think　what　we　should　do．’

‘I　won't　ask　you　to　let　me　live　with　you，Angel，because　I　have　no　right　to！I　won't　write　to　tell　my　family　we　are　married，as　I　said　I　would．’

‘Won't　you？’

‘No，I　won't　do　anything　unless　you　order　me　to．And　if　you　go　away，I　won't　follow　you．And　if　you　never　speak　to　me　again，I　won't　ask　why，unless　you　tell　me　I　can．’

‘And　if　I　order　you　to　do　anything？’

‘I'll　obey　you，even　if　I　have　to　lie　down　and　die．’

‘How　good　of　you．But　it　seems　you　have　changed．In　the　past　you　were　keen　to　look　after　yourself．Now　you　are　keen　to　sacrifice　yourself．’

Clare's　bitter　words，however，were　not　fully　understood　by　Tess．She　only　knew　that　he　was　angry　with　her．She　stood　silent，not　knowing　that　he　was　struggling　with　his　love　for　her　She　did　not　observe　a　large　tear　rolling　slowly　down　his　cheek　He　was　realizing　what　a　change　Tess's　confession　had　made　to　his　whole　life．He　had　to　decide　on　some　action．

‘Tess，’he　said，as　gently　as　he　could，‘I　can't　stay　here　just　now．I'm　going　out．’

He　quietly　left　the　room．Two　glasses　of　wine，ready　for　their　supper，remained　untouched　on　the　table．Only　two　or　three　hours　earlier　they　had　drunk　tea　from　the　same　cup．

As　he　closed　the　door　behind　him，Tess　jumped　up．He　had　gone：she　could　not　stay．She　put　out　the　candles　and　followed　him　The　rain　was　over　and　the　night　was　now　clear．

Clare　walked　slowly　and　without　purpose．His　shape　was　black　and　frightening　She　walked　just　behind　him．There　was　water　on　the　road，where　the　stars　could　be　seen　reflected．　Away　from　the　house　the　road　went　through　the　fields．She　followed　Clare　as　a　dog　follows　its　owner．

Eventually　Tess　could　not　help　speaking　to　him．

‘What　have　I　done？Nothing　interferes　with　my　love　for　you．You　don't　think　I　planned　it，Angel，do　you？I　would　not　deceive　you　like　that！’　‘H'm，　well．No，maybe　you　would　not，but　you　are　not　the　same．No，not　the　same　But　don't　make　me　blame　you．’

She　went　on　begging　for　forgiveness．Perhaps　she　said　things　that　would　have　been　better　left　to　silence．

‘Angel！Angel！I　was　a　child　when　it　happened．I　knew　nothing　of　men．’

‘I　admit　it　was　not　so　much　your　fault　as　his．’

‘Then　won't　you　forgive　me？’

‘I　do　forgive　you，but　forgiveness　isn't　everything．’

‘And　do　you　love　me？’

He　did　not　answer　this　question．

‘Oh　Angel－my　mother　says　she　knows　several　cases　which　were　worse　than　mine，and　the　husband　has　not　minded　much　…well，he　has　accepted　it　at　least．And　in　those　cases　the　woman　hasn't　loved　him　as