生命不能承受之轻-第3部分

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told　him　her　dream：　The　two　of　them　and　Sabina　had　been　in　a　big　room　together。　There　was　a　bed　in　the　middle　of　the　room。　It　was　like　a　platform　in　the　theater。　Tomas　ordered　her　to　stand　in　the　corner　while　he　made　love　to　Sabina。　The　sight　of　it　caused　Tereza　intolerable　suffering。　Hoping　to　alleviate　the　pain　in　her　heart　by　pains　of　the　flesh；　she　jabbed　needles　under　her　fingernails。　It　hurt　so　much；　she　said；　squeezing　her　hands　into　fists　as　if　they　actually　were　wounded。
He　pressed　her　to　him；　and　she　gradually　（trembling　violently　for　a　long　time）　fell　asleep　in　his　arms。
Thinking　about　the　dream　the　next　day；　he　remembered　something。　He　opened　a　desk　drawer　and　took　out　a　packet　of　letters　Sabina　had　written　to　him。　He　was　not　long　in　finding　the　following　passage：　I　want　to　make　love　to　you　in　my　studio。　It　will　be　like　a　stage　surrounded　by　people。　The　audience　won't　be　allowed　up　close；　but　they　won't　be　able　to　take　their　eyes　off　us。。。。　
The　worst　of　it　was　that　the　letter　was　dated。　It　was　quite　recent；　written　long　after　Tereza　had　moved　in　with　Tomas。
So　you've　been　rummaging　in　my　letters！　
She　did　not　deny　it。　Throw　me　out；　then！　
But　he　did　not　throw　her　out。　He　could　picture　her　pressed　against　the　wall　of　Sabina's　studio　jabbing　needles　up　under　her　nails。　He　took　her　fingers　between　his　hands　and　stroked　them；　brought　them　to　his　lips　and　kissed　them；　as　if　they　still　had　drops　of　blood　on　them。
But　from　that　time　on；　everything　seemed　to　conspire　against　him。　Not　a　day　went　by　without　her　learning　something　about　his　secret　life。
At　first　he　denied　it　all。　Then；　when　the　evidence　became　too　blatant；　he　argued　that　his　polygamous　way　of　life　did　not　in　the　least　run　counter　to　his　love　for　her。　He　was　inconsistent：　first　he　disavowed　his　infidelities；　then　he　tried　to　justify　them。
Once　he　was　saying　good…bye　after　making　a　date　with　a　woman　on　the　phone；　when　from　the　next　room　came　a　strange　sound　like　the　chattering　of　teeth。By　chance　she　had　come　home　without　his　realizing　it。　She　was　pouring　something　from　a　medicine　bottle　down　her　throat；　and　her　hand　shook　so　badly　the　glass　bottle　clicked　against　her　teeth。
He　pounced　on　her　as　if　trying　to　save　her　from　drowning。　The　bottle　fell　to　the　floor；　spotting　the　carpet　with　valerian　drops。　She　put　up　a　good　fight；　and　he　had　to　keep　her　in　a　straitjacket…like　hold　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　before　he　could　calm　her。
He　knew　he　was　in　an　unjustifiable　situation；　based　as　it　was　on　complete　inequality。
One　evening；　before　she　discovered　his　correspondence　with　Sabina；　they　had　gone　to　a　bar　with　some　friends　to　celebrate　Tereza's　new　job。　She　had　been　promoted　at　the　weekly　from　darkroom　technician　to　staff　photographer。　Because　he　had　never　been　much　for　dancing；　one　of　his　younger　colleagues　took　over。　They　made　a　splendid　couple　on　the　dance　floor；　and　Tomas　found　her　more　beautiful　than　ever。　He　looked　on　in　amazement　at　the　split…second　precision　and　deference　with　which　Tereza　anticipated　her　partner's　will。　The　dance　seemed　to　him　a　declaration　that　her　devotion；　her　ardent　desire　to　satisfy　his　every　whim；　was　not　necessarily　bound　to　his　person；　that　if　she　hadn't　met　Tomas；　she　would　have　been　ready　to　respond　to　the　call　of　any　other　man　she　might　have　met　instead。　He　had　no　difficulty　imagining　Tereza　and　his　young　colleague　as　lovers。　And　the　ease　with　which　he　arrived　at　this　fiction　wounded　him。　He　realized　that　Tereza's　body　was　perfectly　thinkable　coupled　with　any　male　body；　and　the　thought　put　him　in　a　foul　mood。　Not　until　late　that　night；　at　home；　did　he　admit　to　her　he　was　jealous。
This　absurd　jealousy；　grounded　as　it　was　in　mere　hypotheses；　proved　that　he　considered　her　fidelity　an　unconditional　postulate　of　their　relationship。　How　then　could　he　begrudge　her　her　jealousy　of　his　very　real　mistresses？
8
During　the　day；　she　tried　（though　with　only　partial　success）　to　believe　what　Tomas　told　her　and　to　be　as　cheerful　as　she　had　been　before。　But　her　jealousy　thus　tamed　by　day　burst　forth　all　the　more　savagely　in　her　dreams；　each　of　which　ended　in　a　wail　he　could　silence　only　by　waking　her。
Her　dreams　recurred　like　themes　and　variations　or　television　series。　For　example；　she　repeatedly　dreamed　of　cats　jumping　at　her　face　and　digging　their　claws　into　her　skin。　We　need　not　look　far　for　an　interpretation：　in　Czech　slang　the　word　cat　means　a　pretty　woman。　Tereza　saw　herself　threatened　by　women；　all　women。　All　women　were　potential　mistresses　for　Tomas；　and　she　feared　them　all。
In　another　cycle　she　was　being　sent　to　her　death。　Once；　when　he　woke　her　as　she　screamed　in　terror　in　the　dead　of　night；　she　told　him　about　it。　I　was　at　a　large　indoor　swimming　pool。　There　were　about　twenty　of　us。　All　women。　We　were　naked　and　had　to　march　around　the　pool。　There　was　a　basket　hanging　from　the　ceiling　and　a　man　standing　in　the　basket。　The　man　wore　a　broad…brimmed　hat　shading　his　face；　but　I　could　see　it　was　you。　You　kept　giving　us　orders。　Shouting　at　us。　We　had　to　sing　as　we　marched；　sing　and　do　kneebends。　If　one　of　us　did　a　bad　kneebend；　you　would　shoot　her　with　a　pistol　and　she　would　fall　dead　into　the　pool。　Which　made　everybody　laugh　and　sing　even　louder。　You　never　took　your　eyes　off　us；　and　the　minute　we　did　something　wrong；　you　would　shoot。　The　pool　was　full　of　corpses　floating　just　below　the　surface。　And　I　knew　I　lacked　the　strength　to　do　the　next　kneebend　and　you　were　going　to　shoot　me！　
In　a　third　cycle　she　was　dead。
bying　in　a　hearse　as　big　as　a　furniture　van；　she　was　surrounded　by　dead　women。　There　were　so　many　of　them　that　the　back　door　would　not　close　and　several　legs　dangled　out。
But　I'm　not　dead！　Tereza　cried。　I　can　still　feel！　
So　can　we；　the　corpses　laughed。
They　laughed　the　same　laugh　as　the　live　women　who　used　to　tell　her　cheerfully　it　was　perfectly　normal　that　one　day　she　would　have　bad　teeth；　faulty　ovaries；　and　wrinkles；　because　they　all　had　bad　teeth；　faulty　ovaries；　and　wrinkles。　Laughing　the　same　laugh；　they　told　her　that　she　was　dead　and　it　was　perfectly　all　right！
Suddenly　she　felt　a　need　to　urinate。　You　see；　she　cried。　I　need　to　pee。　That's　proof　positive　I'm　not　dead！　
But　they　only　laughed　again。　Needing　to　pee　is　perfectly　normal！　they　said。　You'll　go　on　feeling　that　kind　of　thing　for　a　long　time　yet。　Like　a　person　who　has　an　arm　cut　off　and　keeps　feeling　it's　there。　We　may　not　have　a　drop　of　pee　left　in　us；　but　we　keep　needing　to　pee。　
Tereza　huddled　against　Tomas　in　bed。　And　the　way　they　talked　to　me！　Like　old　friends；　people　who'd　known　me　forever。　I　was　appalled　at　the　thought　of　having　to　stay　with　them　forever。　
9
All　languages　that　derive　from　Latin　form　the　word　compassion　by　combining　the　prefix　meaning　with　（corn…）　and　the　root　meaning　suffering　（Late　Latin；　passio）。　In　other　languages—Czech；　Polish；　German；　and　Swedish；　for　instance—　this　word　is　translated　by　a　noun　formed　of　an　equivalent　prefix　combined　with　the　word　that　means　feeling　（Czech；　sou…cit；　Polish；　wspol…czucie；　German；　Mit…gefuhl；　Swedish；　med…kansia）。
In　languages　that　derive　from　Latin；　compassion　means：　we　cannot　look　on　coolly　as　others　suffer；　or；　we　sympathize　with　those　who　suffer。　Another　word　with　approximately　the　same　meaning；　pity　（French；　pitie；　Italian；　pieta；　etc。）；　connotes　a　certain　condescension　towards　the　sufferer。　To　take　pity　on　a　woman　means　that　we　are　better　off　than　she；　that　we　stoop　to　her　level；　lower　ourselves。
That　is　why　the　word　compassion　generally　inspires　suspicion；　it　designates　what　is　considered　an　inferior；　second…rate　sentiment　that　has　little　to　do　with　love。　To　love　someone　out　of　compassion　means　not　really　to　love。
In　languages　that　form　the　word　compassion　not　from　the　root　suffering　but　from　the　root　feeling；　the　word　is　used　in　approximately　the　same　way；　but　to　contend　that　it　designates　a　bad　or　inferior　sentiment　is　difficult。　The　secret　strength　of　its　etymology　floods　the　word　with　another　light　and　gives　it　a　broader　meaning：　to　have　compassion　（co…feeling）　means　not　only　to　be　able　to　live　with　the　other's　misfortune　but　also　to　feel　with　him　any　emotion—joy；　anxiety；　happiness；　pain。　This　kind　of　compassion　（in　the　sense　of　souc/r；　wspofczucie；　Mitgefuhl；　medkansia）　therefore　signifies　the　maximal　capacity　of　affective　imagination；　the　art　of　emotional　telepathy。　In　the　hierarchy　of　sentiments；　then；　it　is　supreme。
By　revealing　to　Tomas　her　dream　about　jabbing　needles　under　her　fingernails；　Tereza　unwittingly　revealed　that　she　had　gone　through　his　desk。　If　Tereza　had　been　any　other　woman；　Tomas　would　never　have　spoken　to　her　again。　Aware　of　that；　Tereza　said　to　him；　Throw　me　out！　But　instead　of　throwing　her　out；　he　seized　her　hand　and　kissed　the　tips　of　her　fingers；　because　at　that　moment　he　himself　felt　the　pain　under　her　fingernails　as　surely　as　if　the　nerves　of　her　fingers　led　straight　to　his　own　brain。
Anyone　who　has　failed　to　benefit　from　the　Devil's　gift　of　compassion　（co…feeling）　will　condemn　Tereza　coldly　for　her　deed；　because　privacy　is　sacred　and　drawers　containing　intimate　correspondence　are　not　to　be　opened。　But　because　compassion　was　Tomas's　fate　（or　curse）；　he　felt　that　he　himself　had　knelt　before　the　open　desk　drawer；　unable　to　tear　his　eyes　from　Sabina's　letter。　He　understood　Tereza；　and　not　only　was　he　incapable　of　being　angry　with　her；　he　loved　her　all　the　more。
10
Her　gestures　grew　abrupt　and　unsteady。　Two　years　had　elapsed　since　she　discovered　he　was　unfaithful；　and　things　had　grown　worse。　There　was　no　way　out。
Was　he　genuinely　incapable　of　abandoning　his　erotic　friendships？　He　was。　It　would　have　torn　him　apart。　He　lacked　the　strength　to　control　his　taste　for　other　women。　Besides；　he　failed　to　see　the　need。　No　one　knew　better　than　he　how　little　his　exploits　threatened　Tereza。　Why　then　give　them　up？　He　saw　no　more　reason　for　that　than　to　deny　himself　soccer　matches。
But　was　it　still　a　matter　of　pleasure？　Even　as　he　set　out　to　visit　another　woman；　he　found　her　distasteful　and　promised　himself　he　would　not　see　her　again。　He　constantly　had　Tereza's　image　before　his　eyes；　and　the　only　way　he　could　erase　it　was　by　quickly　getting　drunk。　Ever　since　meeting　Tereza；　he　had　been　unable　to　make　love　to　other　women　without　alcohol！　But　alcohol　on　his　breath　was　a　su