安妮日记英文版_安妮·弗兰克-第46部分

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a　fascinating　and　amusing　adventure　this　is！　with　all　that；　why　should　i　despair？

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

friday；　may　5；　1944

dear　kitty；

fathers　unhappy　with　me。　after　our　talk　on　sunday　he　thought　id　stop　going　upstairs　every　evening。　he　wont　have　any　of　that　〃knutscherej〃*　＇*　necking＇　going　on。　i　cant　stand　that　word。　talking　about　it　was　bad　enough　　why　does　he　have　to　make　me　feel　bad　too！　ill　have　a　word　with　him　today。　margot　gave　me　some　good　advice。

heres　more　or　less　what　id　like　to　say：

i　think　you　expect　an　explanation　from　me；　father；　so　ill　give　you　one。　youre　disap…　pointed　in　me；　you　expected　more　restraint　from　me；　you　no　doubt　want　me　to　act　the　way　a　fourteen…year…old　is　supposed　to。　but　thats　where　youre　wrong！

since　weve　been　here；　from　july　1942　until　a　few　weeks　ago；　i　havent　had　an　easy　time。　if　only　you　knew　how　much　i　used　to　cry　at　night；　how　unhappy　and　despondent　i　was；　how　lonely　i　felt；　youd　understand　my　wanting　to　go　upstairs！　ive　now　reached　the　point　where　i　dont　need　the　support　of　mother　or　anyone　else。　it　didnt　happen　overnight。　ive　struggled　long　and　hard　and　shed　many　tears　to　bee　as　independent　as　i　am　now。　you　can　laugh　and　refuse　to　believe　me；　but　i　dont　care。　i　know　im　an　independent　person；　and　i　dont　feel　i　need　to　account　to　you　for　my　actions。　im　only　telling　you　this　because　i　dont　want　you　to　think　im　doing　things　behind　your　back。　but　theres　only　one　person　im　accountable　to；　and　thats　me。

when　i　was　having　problems；　everyone　　and　that　includes　you　　closed　their　eyes　and　ears　and　didnt　help　me。　on　the　contrary；　all　i　ever　got　were　admonitions　not　to　be　so　noisy。　i　was　noisy　only　to　keep　myself　from　being　miserable　all　the　time。　i　was　overconfident　to　keep　from　having　to　listen　to　the　voice　inside　me。　ive　been　putting　on　an　act　for　the　last　year　and　a　half；　day　in；　day　out。　ive　never　plained　or　dropped　my　mask；　nothing　of　the　kind；　and　now。　。　。　now　the　battle　is　over。　ive　won！　im　independent；　in　both　body　and　mind。　i　dont　need　a　mother　anymore；　and　ive　emerged　from　the　struggle　a　stronger　person。

now　that　its　over；　now　that　i　know　the　battle　has　been　won；　i　want　to　go　my　own　way；　to　follow　the　path　that　seems　right　to　me。　dont　think　of　me　as　a　fourteen…year…old；　since　all　these　troubles　have　made　me　older；　i　wont　regret　my　actions；　ill　behave　the　way　i　think　i　should！

gentle　persuasion　wont　keep　me　from　going　upstairs。　youll　either　have　to　forbid　it；　or　trust　me　through　thick　and　thin。　whatever　you　do；　just　leave　me　alone！

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

saturday；　may　6；　1944

dearest　kitty；

last　night　before　dinner　i　tucked　the　letter　id　written　into　fathers　pocket。　according　to　margot；　he　read　it　and　was　upset　for　the　rest　of　the　evening。　（i　was　upstairs　doing　the　dishes！）　poor　pim；　i　might　have　known　what　the　effect　of　such　an　epistle　would

be。　hes　so　sensitive！　i　immediately　told　peter　not　to　ask　any　questions　or　say　anything　more。　pims　said　nothing　else　to　me　about　the　matter。　is　he　going　to？

everything　here　is　more　or　less　back　to　normal。　we　can　hardly　believe　what　jan；　mr。

kugler　and　mr。　kleiman　tell　us　about　the　prices　and　the　people　on　the　outside；　half　a　pound　of　tea　costs　350。00　guilders；　half　a　pound　of　coffee　80。00　guilders；　a　pound　of　butter　35。00　guilders；　one　egg　1。45　guilders。　people　are　paying　14。00　guilders　an　ounce　for　bulgarian　tobacco！　everyones　trading　on　the　black　market；　every　errand　boy　has　something　to　offer。　the　delivery　boy　from　the　bakery　has　supplied　us　with　darning　thread…90　cents　for　one　measly　skein…the　milkman　can　get　hold　of　ration　books；　an　undertaker　delivers　cheese。　break…ins；　murders　and　thefts　are　daily　occurrences。　even　the　police　and　night　watchmen　are　getting　in　on　the　act。　everyone　wants　to　put　food　in　their　stomachs；　and　since　salaries　have　been　frozen；　people　have　had　to　resort　to　swindling。　the　police　have　their　hands　full　trying　to　track　down　the　many　girls　of　fifteen；　sixteen；　seventeen　and　older　who　are　reported　missing　every　day。

i　want　to　try　to　finish　my　story　about　ellen；　the　fairy。　just　for　fun；　i　can　give　it　to　father　on　his　birthday；　together　with　all　the　copyrights。

see　you　later！　（actually；　thats　not　the　right　phrase。　in　the　german　program　broadcast　from　england　they　always　close　with　〃aufwiederhoren。〃　so　i　guess　i　should　say；　〃until　we　write　again。〃）

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

sunday　morning；　may　7；1944

dearest　kitty；

father　and　i　had　a　long　talk　yesterday　afternoon。　i　cried　my　eyes　out；　and　he　cried　too。　do　you　know　what　he　said　to　me；　kitty？

〃ive　received　many　letters　in　my　lifetime；　but　none　as　hurtful　as　this。　you；　who　have　had　so　much　love　from　your　parents。　you；　whose　parents　have　always　been　ready　to　help　you；　who　have　always　defended　you；　no　matter　what。　you　talk　of　not　having　to　account　to　us　for　your　actions！　you　feel　youve　been　wronged　and　left　to　your　own　devices。　no；　anne；　youve　done　us　a　great　injustice！

〃perhaps　you　didnt　mean　it　that　way；　but　thats　what　you　wrote。　no；　anne；　we　have　done　nothing　to　deserve　such　a　reproach！〃

oh；　ive　failed　miserably。　this　is　the　worst　thing　ive　ever　done　in　my　entire　life。　i　used　my　tears　to　show　off；　to　make　myself　seem　important　so　hed　respect　me。　ive　certainly　had　my　share　of　unhappiness；　and　everything　i　said　about　mother　is　true。　but　to　accuse　pim；　whos　so　good　and　whos　done　everything　for　me…no；　that　was　too　cruel　for　words。

its　good　that　somebody　has　finally　cut　me　down　to　size；　has　broken　my　pride；　because　ive　been　far　too　smug。　not　everything　mistress　anne　does　is　good！　any…　one　who　deliberately　causes　such　pain　to　someone　they　say　they　love　is　despicable；　the　lowest　of　the　low！

what　im　most　ashamed　of　is　the　way　father　has　forgiven　me；　he　said　hes　going　to　throw　the　letter　in　the　stove；　and　hes　being　so　nice　to　me　now；　as　if　he　were　the　one　whod　done　something　wrong。　well；　anne；　you　still　have　a　lot　to　learn。　its　time　you　made　a　beginning；　in…　stead　of　looking　down　at　others　and　always　giving　them　the　blame！

ive　known　a　lot　of　sorrow；　but　who　hasnt　at　my　age？　ive　been　putting　on　an　act；　but　was　hardly　even　aware　of　it。　ive　felt　lonely；　but　never　desperate！　not　like　father；　who　once　ran　out　into　the　street　with　a　knife　so　he　could　put　an　end　to　it　all。　ive　never　gone　that　far。

i　should　be　deeply　ashamed　of　myself；　and　i　am。　whats　done　cant　be　undone；　but　at　least　you　can　keep　it　from　happening　again。　id　like　to　start　all　over；　and　that　shouldnt　be　difficult；　now　that　i　have　peter。　with　him　supporting　me；　i　know　i　can　do　it！　im　not　alone　anymore。　he　loves　me；　i　love　him；　i　have　my　books；　my　writing　and　my　diary。　im　not　all　that　ugly；　or　that　stupid；　i　have　a　sunny　disposition；　and　i　want　to　develop　a　good　character！

yes；　anne；　you　knew　full　well　that　your　letter　was　unkind　and　untrue；　but　you　were　actually　proud　of　it！　ill　take　father　as　my　example　once　again；　and　i　will　improve　myself。

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

monday；　may　8；　1944

dearest　kitty；

have　i　ever　told　you　anything　about　our　family？　i　dont　think　i　have；　so　let　me　begin。

father　was　born　in　frankfurt　am　main　to　very　wealthy　parents：　michael　frank　owned

a　bank　and　became　a　millionaire；　and　alice　sterns　parents　were　prominent　and　well…to…do。　michael　frank　didnt　start　out　rich；　he　was　a　self…made　man。　in　his　youth　father　led　the　life　of　a　rich　mans　son。　parties　every　week；　balls；　banquets；　beautiful　girls；　waltzing；　dinners；　a　huge　house；　etc。　after　grandpa　died；　most　of　the　money　was　lost；　and　after　the　great　war　and　inflation　there　was　nothing　left　at　all。　up　until　the　war　there　were　still　quite　a　few　rich　relatives。　so　father　was　extremely　well…bred；　and　he　had　to　laugh　yesterday　because　for　the　first　time　in　his　fifty…five　years；　he　scraped　out　the　frying　pan　at　the　table。

mothers　family　wasnt　as　wealthy；　but　still　fairly　well…off；　and　weve　listened　openmouthed　to　stories　of　private　balls；　dinners　and　engagement　parties　with　250　guests。

were　far　from　rich　now；　but　ive　pinned　all　my　hopes　on　after　the　war。　i　can　assure　you；　im　not　so　set　on　a　bourgeois　life　as　mother　and　margot。　id　like　to　spend　a　year　in　paris　and　london　learning　the　languages　and　studying　art　history。　pare　that　with　margot；　who　wants　to　nurse　newborns　in　palestine。　i　still　have　visions　of　gorgeous　dresses　and　fascinating　people。　as　ive　told　you　many　times　before；　i　want　to　see　the　world　and　do　all　kinds　of　exciting　things；　and　a　little　money　wont　hurt！

this　morning　miep　told　us　about　her　cousins　engagement　party；　which　she　went　to　on　saturday。　the　cousins　parents　are　rich；　and　the　grooms　are　even　richer。　miep　made　our　mouths　water　telling　us　about　the　food　that　was　served：　vegetable　soup　with　meatballs；　cheese；　rolls　with　sliced　meat；　hors　doeuvres　made　with　eggs　and　roast　beef；　rolls　with　cheese；　genoise；　wine　and　cigarettes；　and　you　could　eat　as　much　as　you　wanted。

miep　drank　ten　schnapps　and　smoked　three　cigarettes　　could　this　be　our　temperance　advocate？　if　miep　drank　all　those；　i　wonder　how　many　her　spouse　managed　to　toss　down？　everyone　at　the　party　was　a　little　tipsy；　of　course。　there　were　also　two　officers　from　the　homicide　squad；　who　took　photographs　of　the　wedding　couple。　you　can　see　were　never　far　from　mieps　thoughts；　since　she　promptly　noted　their　names　and　addresses　in　case　anything　should　happen　and　we　needed　contacts　with　good　dutch　people。

our　mouths　were　watering　so　much。　we；　whod　had　nothing　but　two　spoonfuls　of　hot　cereal　for　breakfast　and　were　absolutely　famished；　we；　who　get　nothing　but　half…cooked　spinach　（for　the　vitamins！）　and　rotten　pota…　toes　day　after　day；　we；　who　fill　our　empty　stomachs　with　nothing　but　boiled　lettuce；　raw　lettuce；　spinach；　spinach　and　more　spinach。　maybe　well　end　up　being　as　strong　as　popeye；　though　up　to　now　ive　seen　no　sign　of　it！

if　miep　had　taken　us　along　to　the　party；　there　wouldnt　have　been　any　rolls　left　over　for　the　other　guests。　if　wed　been　there；　wed　have　snatched　up　everything　in　sight；　including　the　furniture。　i　tell　you；　we　were　practically　pulling　the　words　right　out　of　her　mouth。　we　were　gathered　around　her　as　if　wed　never　in　all　our　lives　heard　of鈥�

delicious　food　or　elegant　people！　and　these　are　the　granddaughters　of　the　distinguished　millionaire。　the　world　is　a　crazy　p