白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第35部分

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　　〃I'm　afraid　to　die；〃　she　said。　〃I　think　about　it　all　the　time。　It　won't　go　away。〃
　　〃Don't　tell　me　this。　This　is　terrible。〃
　　〃I　can't　help　it。　How　can　I　help　it？〃
　　〃I　don't　want　to　know。　Save　it　for　our　old　age。　You're　still　young；　you　get　plenty　of　exercise。　This　is　not　a　reasonable　fear。〃
　　〃It　haunts　me；　Jack。　I　can't　get　it　off　my　mind。　I　know　I'm　not　supposed　to　experience　such　a　fear　so　consciously　and　so　steadily。　What　can　I　do？　It's　just　there。　That's　why　I　was　so　quick　to　notice　Mr。　Gray's　ad　in　the　tabloid　I　was　reading　aloud。　The　headline　hit　home。　FEAR　OF　DEATH；　it　said。　I　think　about　it　all　the　time。　You're　disappointed。　I　can　tell。〃
　　〃Disappointed？〃
　　〃You　thought　the　condition　would　be　more　specific。　I　wish　it　was。　But　a　person　doesn't　search　for　months　and　months　to　corner　the　solution　to　some　daily　little　ailment。〃
　　I　tried　to　talk　her　out　of　it。
　　〃How　can　you　be　sure　it　is　death　you　fear？　Death　is　so　vague。　No　one　knows　what　it　is；　what　it　feels　like　or　looks　like。　Maybe　you　just　have　a　personal　problem　that　surfaces　in　the　form　of　a　great　universal　subject。〃
　　〃What　problem？〃
　　〃Something　you're　hiding　from　yourself。　Your　weight　maybe。〃
　　〃I've　lost　weight。　What　about　my　height？〃
　　〃I　know　you've　lost　weight。　That's　just　my　point。　You　practically　ooze　good　health。　You　reek　of　it。　Hookstratten　confirms　this；　your　own　doctor。　There　must　be　something　else；　an　underlying　problem。〃
　　〃What　could　be　more　underlying　than　death？〃
　　I　tried　to　persuade　her　it　was　not　as　serious　as　she　thought。
　　〃Baba；　everyone　fears　death。　Why　should　you　be　different？　You　yourself　said　earlier　it　is　a　human　condition。　There's　no　one　who　has　lived　past　the　age　of　seven　who　hasn't　worried　about　dying。〃
　　〃At　some　level　everyone　fears　death。　I　fear　it　right　up　front。　I　don't　know　how　or　why　it　happened。　But　I　can't　be　the　only　one　or　why　would　Gray　Research　spend　millions　on　a　pill？〃
　　〃That's　what　I　said。　You're　not　the　only　one。　There　are　hundreds　of　thousands　of　people。　Isn't　it　reassuring　to　know　that？　You're　like　the　woman　on　the　radio　who　got　phone　calls　from　a　missile　base。　She　wanted　to　find　others　whose　own　psychotic　experiences　would　make　her　feel　less　isolated。〃
　　〃But　Mr。　Gray　said　I　was　extra　sensitive　to　the　terror　of　death。　He　gave　me　a　battery　of　tests。　That's　why　he　was　eager　to　use　me。〃
　　'This　is　what　I　find　odd。　You　concealed　your　terror　for　so　long。　If　you're　able　to　conceal　such　a　thing　from　a　husband　and　children；　maybe　it　is　not　so　severe。〃
　　'This　is　not　the　story　of　a　wife's　deception。　You　can't　sidestep　the　true　story；　Jack。　It　is　too　big。〃
　　I　kept　my　voice　calm。　I　spoke　to　her　as　one　of　those　reclining　philosophers　might　address　a　younger　member　of　the　academy；　someone　whose　work　is　promising　and　fitfully　brilliant　but　perhaps　too　heavily　dependent　on　the　scholarship　of　the　senior　fellow。
　　〃Baba；　I　am　the　one　in　this　family　who　is　obsessed　by　death。　I　have　always　been　the　one。〃
　　〃You　never　said。〃
　　'To　protect　you　from　worry。　To　keep　you　animated；　vital　and　happy。　You　are　the　happy　one。　I　am　the　doomed　fool。　That's　what　I　can't　forgive　you　for。　Telling　me　you're　not　the　woman　I　believed　you　were。　I'm　hurt；　I'm　devastated。〃
　　〃I　always　thought　of　you　as　someone　who　might　muse　on　death。　You　might　take　walks　and　muse。　But　all　those　times　we　talked　about　who　will　die　first；　you　never　said　you　were　afraid。〃
　　〃The　same　goes　for　you。　'As　soon　as　the　kids　are　grown。'　You　made　it　sound　like　a　trip　to　Spain。〃
　　〃I　do　want　to　die　first；〃　she　said；　〃but　that　doesn't　mean　I'm　not　afraid。　I'm　terribly　afraid。　I'm　afraid　all　the　time。〃
　　〃I've　been　afraid　for　more　than　half　my　life。〃
　　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　say？　Your　fear　is　older　and　wiser　than　mine？〃
　　〃I　wake　up　sweating。　I　break　out　in　killer　sweats。〃
　　〃I　chew　gum　because　my　throat　constricts。〃
　　〃I　have　no　body。　I'm　only　a　mind　or　a　self；　alone　in　a　vast　space。〃
　　〃I　seize　up；〃　she　said。
　　〃I'm　too　weak　to　move。　I　lack　all　sense　of　resolve；　determination。〃
　　〃I　thought　about　my　mother　dying。　Then　she　died。〃
　　〃I　think　about　everyone　dying。　Not　just　myself。　I　lapse　into　terrible　reveries。〃
　　〃I　felt　so　guilty。　I　thought　her　death　was　connected　to　my　thinking　about　it。　I　feel　the　same　way　about　my　own　death。　The　more　I　think　about　it；　the　sooner　it　will　happen。〃
　　〃How　strange　it　is。　We　have　these　deep　terrible　lingering　fears　about　ourselves　and　the　people　we　love。　Yet　we　walk　around；　talk　to　people；　eat　and　drink。　We　manage　to　function。　The　feelings　are　deep　and　real。　Shouldn't　they　paralyze　us？　How　is　it　we　can　survive　them；　at　least　for　a　while？　We　drive　a　car；　we　teach　a　class。　How　is　it　no　one　sees　how　deeply　afraid　we　were；　last　night；　this　morning？　Is　it　something　we　all　hide　from　each　other；　by　mutual　consent？　Or　do　we　share　the　same　secret　without　knowing　it？　Wear　the　same　disguise。〃
　　〃What　if　death　is　nothing　but　sound？〃
　　〃Electrical　noise。〃
　　〃You　hear　it　forever。　Sound　all　around。　How　awful。〃
　　〃Uniform；　white。〃
　　〃Sometimes　it　sweeps　over　me；〃　she　said。　〃Sometimes　it　insinuates　itself　into　my　mind；　little　by　little。　I　try　to　talk　to　it。　Not　now；　Death。'〃
　　〃I　lie　in　the　dark　looking　at　the　clock。　Always　odd　numbers。　One　thirty…seven　in　the　morning。　Three　fifty…nine　in　the　morning。〃
　　〃Death　is　odd…numbered。　That's　what　the　Sikh　told　me。　The　holy　man　in　Iron　City。〃
　　〃You're　my　strength；　my　life…force。　How　can　I　persuade　you　that　this　is　a　terrible　mistake？　I've　watched　you　bathe　Wilder；　iron　my　gown。　These　deep　and　simple　pleasures　are　lost　to　me　now。　Don't　you　see　the　enormity　of　what　you've　done？〃
　　〃Sometimes　it　hits　me　like　a　blow；〃　she　said。　〃I　almost　physically　want　to　reel。〃
　　…　〃Is　this　why　I　married　Babette？　So　she　would　conceal　the　truth　from　me；　conceal　objects　from　me；　join　in　a　sexual　conspiracy　at　my　expense？　All　plots　move　in　one　direction；〃　I　told　her　grimly。
　　We　held　each　other　tightly　for　a　long　time；　our　bodies　clenched　in　an　embrace　that　included　elements　of　love；　grief；　tenderness；　sex　and　struggle。　How　subtly　we　shifted　emotions；　found　shadings；　using　the　scantest　movement　of　our　arms；　our　loins；　the　slightest　intake　of　breath；　to　reach　agreement　on　our　fear；　to　advance　our　petition；　to　assert　our　root　desires　against　the　chaos　in　our　souls。
　　Leaded；　unleaded；　super　unleaded。
　　We　lay　naked　after　love；　wet　and　gleaming。　I　pulled　the　covers　up　over　us。　We　spoke　in　drowsv　whispers　for　a　while。　The　radio　came　on。
　　〃I'm　right　here；〃　I　said。　〃Whatever　you　want　or　need；　however　difficult；　tell　me　and　it's　done。〃
　　〃A　drink　of　water。〃
　　〃Of　course。〃
　　〃I'll　go　with　you；〃　she　said。
　　〃Stay；　rest。〃
　　〃I　don't　want　to　be　alone。〃
　　We　put　on　our　robes；　went　to　the　bathroom　for　water。　She　drank　while　I　pissed。　On　our　way　back　to　the　bedroom　I　put　my　arm　around　her　and　we　walked　half　toppling　toward　each　other；　like　adolescents　on　a　beach。　I　waited　by　the　side　of　the　bed　as　she　rearranged　the　sheets　neatly；　put　the　pillows　in　place。　She　curled　up　immediately　for　sleep　but　there　were　still　things　I　wanted　to　know；　things　I　had　to　say。
　　〃Precisely　what　was　acplished　by　the　people　at　Gray　Research？〃
　　〃They　isolated　the　fear…of…death　part　of　the　brain。　Dylar　speeds　relief　to　that　sector。〃
　　〃Incredible。〃
　　〃It's　not　just　a　powerful　tranquilizer。　The　drug　specifically　interacts　with　neurotransmitters　in　the　brain　that　are　related　to　the　fear　of　death。　Every　emotion　or　sensation　has　its　own　neurotransmitters。　Mr。　Gray　found　fear　of　death　and　then　went　to　worl　on　finding　the　chemicals　that　would　induce　the　brain　to　make　its　own　inhibitors。〃
　　〃Amazing　and　frightening。〃
　　〃Everything　that　goes　on　in　your　whole　life　is　a　result　of　molecules　rushing　around　somewhere　in　your　brain。〃
　　〃Heinrich's　brain　theories。　They're　all　true。　We're　the　sum　of　our　chemical　impulses。　Don't　tell　me　this。　It's　unbearable　to　think　about。〃
　　〃They　can　trace　everything　you　say；　do　and　feel　to　the　number　of　molecules　in　a　certain　region。〃
　　〃What　happens　to　good　and　evil　in　this　system？　Passion；　envy　and　hate？　Do　they　bee　a　tangle　of　neurons？　Are　you　telling　me　that　a　whole　tradition　of　human　failings　is　now　at　an　end；　that　cowardice；　sadism；　molestation　are　meaningless　terms？　Are　we　being　asked　to　regard　these　things　nostalgically？　What　about　murderous　rage？　A　murderer　used　to　have　a　certain　fearsome　size　to　him。　His　crime　was　large。　What　happens　when　we　reduce　it　to　cells　and　molecules？　My　son　plays　chess　with　a　murderer。　He　told　me　all　this。　I　didn't　want　to　listen。〃
　　〃Can　I　sleep　now？〃
　　〃Wait。　If　Dylar　speeds　relief；　why　have　you　been　so　sad　these　past　days；　staring　into　space？〃
　　〃Simple。　The　drug's　not　working。〃
　　Her　voice　broke　when　she　said　these　words。　She　raised　the　forter　over　her　head。　I　could　only　stare　at　the　hilly　terrain。　A　man　on　talk　radio　said：　〃I　was　getting　mixed　messages　about　my　sexuality。〃　I　stroked　her　head　and　body　over　the　quilted　bedspread。
　　〃Can　you　elaborate；　Baba？　I'm　right　here。　I　want　to　help。〃
　　〃Mr。　Gray　gave　me　sixty　tablets　in　two　bottles。　This　would　be　more　than　enough；　he　said。　One　tablet　every　seventy…two　hours。　The　discharge　of　medication　is　so　gradual　and　precise　that　there's　no　overlapping　from　one　pill　to　the　next。　I　finished　the　first　bottle　sometime　in　late　November；　early　December。〃
　　〃Denise　found　it。〃
　　〃She　did？〃
　　〃She's　been　on　your　trail　ever　since。〃
　　〃Where　did　I　leave　it？〃
　　〃In　the　kitchen　trash。〃
　　〃Why　did　I　do　that？　That　was　careless。〃
　　〃What　about　the　second　bottle？〃　I　said。
　　〃You　found　the　second　bottle。〃
　　〃I　know。　I'm　asking　how　many　tablets　you've　taken。〃
　　〃I've　now　taken　twenty…five　from　that　bottle。　That's　fifty…five　all　told。　Five　left。〃
　　〃Four　left。　I　had　one　analyzed。〃
　　〃Did　you　tell　me　that？〃
　　〃Yes。　And　has　there　been　any　change　at　all　in　your　condition。
　　She　allowed　the　top　of　her　head　to　emerge。
　　〃At　first　I　thought　so。　The　very　beginning　was　the　most　hopeful　time。　Since　then　no　improvement。　I've　grown　more　and　more　discouraged。　Let　me　sleep　now；　Jack。〃
　　〃Remember　we　had　dinner　at　Murray's　one　night？　On　the　way　home　we　talked