白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第40部分

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rage。　When　people　are　good　at　something；　it's　only　natural　that　they　look　for　a　chance　to　do　this　thing。　If　I　were　good　at　it；　I　would　do　it。　It　happens　I'm　not。　So　instead　of　going　into　homicidal　rages；　I　read　to　the　blind。　In　other　words　I　know　my　limits。　I　am　willing　to　settle　for　less。〃
　　〃What　did　I　do　to　deserve　this？　This　is　not　like　you。　Sarcastic；　mocking。〃
　　〃Leave　it　alone；〃　she　said。　〃Dylar　was　my　mistake。　I　won't　let　you　make　it　yours　as　well。〃
　　We　listened　to　the　tap　and　scratch　of　buttons　and　zipper　tabs。　It　was　time　for　me　to　leave　for　school。　The　voice　upstairs　remarked：　〃A　California　think…tank　says　the　next　world　war　may　be　fought　over　salt。〃
　　All　afternoon　I　stood　by　the　window　in　my　office；　watching　the　Observatory。　It　was　growing　dark　when　Winnie　Richards　appeared　at　the　side　door；　looked　both　ways；　then　began　moving　in　a　wolf…trot　along　the　sloping　turf。　I　hurried　out　of　my　office　and　down　the　stairs。　In　seconds　I　was　out　on　a　cobbled　path；　running。　Almost　at　once　I　experienced　a　strange　elation；　the　kind　of　bracing　thrill　that　marks　the　recovery　of　a　lost　pleasure。　I　saw　her　turn　a　corner　in　a　controlled　skid　before　she　disappeared　behind　a　maintenance　building。　I　ran　as　fast　as　I　could；　cutting　loose；　cutting　into　the　wind；　running　chest　out；　head　high；　my　arms　pumping　hard。　She　reappeared　at　the　edge　of　the　library；　an　alert　and　stealthy　figure　moving　beneath　the　arched　windows；　nearly　lost　to　the　dusk。　When　she　drew　near　the　steps　she　suddenly　accelerated；　going　full　tilt　from　what　was　almost　a　standing　start。　This　was　a　deft　and　lovely　maneuver　that　I　was　able　to　appreciate　even　as　it　put　me　at　a　disadvantage。　I　decided　to　cut　behind　the　library　and　pick　her　up　on　the　long　straight　approach　to　the　chemistry　labs。　Briefly　I　ran　alongside　the　members　of　the　lacrosse　team　as　they　charged　off　a　field　after　practice。　We　ran　step　for　step；　the　players　waving　their　sticks　in　a　ritualized　manner　and　chanting　something　I　couldn't　understand。　When　I　reached　the　broad　path　I　was　gasping　for　breath。　Winnie　was　nowhere　in　sight。　I　ran　through　the　faculty　parking　lot；　past　the　starkly　modern　chapel；　around　the　administration　building。　The　wind　was　audible　now；　creaking　in　the　high　bare　branches。　I　ran　to　the　east；　changed　my　mind；　stood　looking　around；　removed　my　glasses　to　peer。　I　wanted　to　run；　I　was　willing　to　run。　I　would　run　as　far　as　I　could；　run　through　the　night；　run　to　forget　why　I　was　running。　After　some　moments　I　saw　a　figure　loping　up　a　hill　at　the　edge　of　the　campus。　It　had　to　be　her。　I　started　running　again；　knowing　she　was　too　far　away；　would　disappear　over　the　crest　of　the　hill；　would　not　resurface　for　weeks。　I　put　everything　I　had　into　a　final　climbing　burst；　charging　over　concrete；　grass；　then　gravel；　lungs　burning　in　my　chest；　a　heaviness　in　my　legs　that　seemed　the　very　pull　of　the　earth；　its　most　intimate　and　telling　judgment；　the　law　of　falling　bodies。
　　How　surprised　I　was；　nearing　the　top　of　the　hill；　to　see　that　she　had　stopped。　She　wore　a　Gore…Tex　jacket　puffed　up　with　insulation　and　she　was　looking　to　the　west。　I　walked　slowly　toward　her。　When　I　cleared　a　row　of　private　homes　I　saw　what　it　was　that　had　made　her　pause。　The　edge　of　the　earth　trembled　in　a　darkish　haze。　Upon　it　lay　the　sun；　going　down　like　a　ship　in　a　burning　sea。　Another　postmodern　sunset；　rich　in　romantic　imagery。　Why　try　to　describe　it？　It's　enough　to　sáy　that　everything　in　our　field　of　vision　seemed　to　exist　in　order　to　gather　the　light　of　this　event。　Not　that　this　was　one　of　the　stronger　sunsets。　There　had　been　more　dynamic　colors；　a　deeper　sense　of　narrative　sweep。
　　〃Hi；　Jack。　I　didn't　know　you　came　up　here。〃
　　〃I　usually　go　to　the　highway　overpass。〃
　　〃Isn't　this　something？〃
　　〃It's　beautiful　all　right。〃
　　〃Makes　me　think。　It　really　does。〃
　　〃What　do　you　think　about？〃
　　〃What　can　you　think　about　in　the　face　of　this　kind　of　beauty？　I　get　scared；　I　know　that。〃
　　〃This　isn't　one　of　the　scarier　ones。〃
　　〃It　scares　me。　Boy；　look　at　it。〃
　　〃Did　you　see　last　Tuesday？　A　powerful　and　stunning　sunset。　I　rate　this　one　average。　Maybe　they're　beginning　to　wind　down。〃
　　〃I　hope　not；〃　she　said。　〃I'd　miss　them。〃
　　〃Could　be　the　toxic　residue　in　the　atmosphere　is　diminishing。〃
　　〃There's　a　school　of　thought　that　says　it's　not　residue　from　the　cloud　that　causes　the　sunsets。　It's　residue　from　the　microorganisms　that　ate　the　cloud。〃
　　We　stood　there　watching　a　surge　of　florid　light；　like　a　heart　pumping　in　a　documentary　on　color　TV。
　　〃Remember　the　saucer…shaped　pill？〃
　　〃Of　course；〃　she　said。　〃A　super　piece　of　engineering。〃
　　〃I　found　out　what　it's　designed　to　do。　It's　designed　to　solve　an　ancient　problem。　Fear　of　death。　It　encourages　the　brain　to　produce　fear…of…death　inhibitors。〃
　　〃But　we　still　die。〃
　　〃Everyone　dies；　yes。〃
　　〃We　just　won't　be　afraid；〃　she　said。
　　〃That's　right。〃
　　〃Interesting；　I　guess。〃
　　〃Dylar　was　designed　by　a　secret　research　group。　I　believe　some　of　these　people　are　psychobiologists。　I　wonder　if　you've　heard　rumors　of　a　group　working　secretly　on　fear　of　death。〃
　　〃I'd　be　the　last　to　hear。　No　one　can　ever　find　me。　When　they　do　find　me；　it's　to　tell　me　something　important。〃
　　〃What　could　be　more　important？〃
　　〃You're　talking　about　gossip；　rumors。　This　is　thin　stuff；　Jack。　Who　are　these　people；　where　is　their　base？〃
　　〃That's　why　I've　been　chasing　you。　I　thought　you'd　know　something　about　them。　I　don't　even　know　what　a　psychobiologist　is。〃
　　〃It's　a　catchall　sort　of　thing。　Interdisciplinary。　The　real　work　is　in　the　pits。〃
　　〃Isn't　there　anything　you　can　tell　me？〃
　　Something　in　my　voice　made　her　turn　to　look　at　me。　Winnie　was　barely　into　her　thirties　but　she　had　a　sane　and　practiced　eye　for　the　half…concealed　disasters　that　constitute　a　life。　A　narrow　face　partly　hidden　by　wispy　brown　ringlets；　eyes　bright　and　excited。　She　had　the　beaky　and　hollow…boned　look　of　a　great　wading　creature。　Small　prim　mouth。　A　smile　that　was　permanently　in　conflict　with　some　inner　stricture　against　the　seductiveness　of　humor。　Murray　told　me　once　he　had　a　crush　on　her；　found　her　physical　awkwardness　a　sign　of　an　intelligence　developing　almost　too　rapidly；　and　I　thought　I　knew　what　he　meant。　She　was　poking　and　snatching　at　the　world　around；　overrunning　it　at　times。
　　〃I　don't　know　what　your　personal　involvement　is　with　this　substance；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　think　it's　a　mistake　to　lose　one's　sense　of　death；　even　one's　fear　of　death。　Isn't　death　the　boundary　we　need？　Doesn't　it　give　a　precious　texture　to　life；　a　sense　of　definition？　You　have　to　ask　yourself　whether　anything　you　do　in　this　life　would　have　beauty　and　meaning　without　the　knowledge　you　carry　of　a　final　line；　a　border　or　limit。〃
　　I　watch　light　climb　into　the　rounded　summits　of　high…altitude　clouds。　Clorets；　Velamints；　Freedent。
　　〃People　think　I'm　spacey；〃　she　said。　〃I　have　a　spacey　theory　about　human　fear；　sure　enough。　Picture　yourself；　Jack；　a　confirmed　homebody；　a　sedentary　fellow　who　finds　himself　walking　in　a　deep　wood。　You　spot　something　out　of　the　corner　of　your　eye。　Before　you　know　anything　else；　you　know　that　this　thing　is　very　large　and　that　it　has　no　place　in　your　ordinary　frame　of　reference。　A　flaw　in　the　world　picture。　Either　it　shouldn't　be　here　or　you　shouldn't。　Now　the　thing　es　into　full　view。　It　is　a　grizzly　bear；　enormous；　shiny　brown；　swaggering；　dripping　slime　from　its　bared　fangs。　Jack；　you　have　never　seen　a　large　animal　in　the　wild。　The　sight　of　this　grizzer　is　so　electrifyingly　strange　that　it　gives　you　a　renewed　sense　of　yourself；　a　fresh　awareness　of　the　self—the　self　in　terms　of　a　unique　and　horrific　situation。　You　see　yourself　in　a　new　and　intense　way。　You　rediscover　yourself。　You　are　lit　up　for　your　own　imminent　dismemberment。　The　beast　on　hind　legs　has　enabled　you　to　see　who　you　are　as　if　for　the　first　time；　outside　familiar　surroundings；　alone；　distinct；　whole。　The　name　we　give　to　this　plicated　process　is　fear。〃
　　〃Fear　is　self…awareness　raised　to　a　higher　level。〃
　　〃That's　right；　Jack。〃
　　〃And　death？〃　I　said。
　　〃Self；　self；　self。　If　death　can　be　seen　as　less　strange　and　unreferenced；　your　sense　of　self　in　relation　to　death　will　diminish；　and　so　will　your　fear。〃
　　〃What　do　I　do　to　make　death　less　strange？　How　do　I　go　about　it？〃
　　〃I　don't　know。〃
　　〃Do　I　risk　death　by　driving　fast　around　curves？　Am　I　supposed　to　go　rock　climbing　on　weekends？〃
　　〃I　don't　know；〃　she　said。　〃I　wish　I　knew。〃
　　〃Do　I　scale　the　sheer　facade　of　a　ninety…story　building；　wearing　a　clip…on　belt？　What　do　I　do；　Winnie？　Do　I　sit　in　a　cage　full　of　African　snakes　like　my　son's　best　friend？　This　is　what　people　do　today。〃
　　〃I　think　what　you　do；　Jack；　is　forget　the　medicine　in　that　tablet。　There　is　no　medicine；　obviously。〃
　　She　was　right。　They　were　all　right。　Gp　on　with　my　life；　raise　my　kids；　teach　my　students。　Try　not　to　think　of　that　staticky　figure　in　the　Grayview　Motel　putting　his　unfinished　hands　on　my　wife。
　　〃I'm　still　sad；　Winnie；　but　you've　given　my　sadness　a　richness　and　depth　it　has　never　known　before。〃
　　She　turned　away；　blushing。
　　I　said；　〃You're　more　than　a　fair…weather　friend—you're　a　true　enemy。〃
　　She　turned　exceedingly　red。
　　I　said；　〃Brilliant　people　never　think　of　the　lives　they　smash；　being　brilliant。〃
　　I　watched　her　blush。　She　used　both　hands　to　pull　her　knit　cap　down　over　her　ears。　We　took　a　last　look　at　the　sky　and　started　walking　down　the　hill。
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