白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第51部分

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ing　to　a　life　beyond　death。　Maybe　these　things　are　justification　enough　for　our　hopes　and　dreams；　although　I　wouldn't　say　that　to　a　dying　man。〃
　　He　poked　me　with　an　elbow。　We　walked　toward　the　mercial　part　of　town。　Murray　paused；　raised　one　foot　behind　him；　reached　back　to　knock　some　ashes　from　his　pipe。　Then　he　pocketed　the　thing　expertly；　inserting　it　bowl…first　in　his　corduroy　jacket。
　　〃Seriously；　you　can　find　a　great　deal　of　long…range　solace　in　the　idea　of　an　afterlife。〃
　　〃But　don't　I　have　to　believe？　Don't　I　have　to　feel　in　my　heart　that　there　is　something；　genuinely；　beyond　this　life；　out　there；　looming；　in　the　dark？〃
　　〃What　do　you　think　the　afterlife　is；　a　body　of　facts　just　waiting　to　be　uncovered？　Do　you　think　the　U。S。　Air　Force　is　secretly　gathering　data　on　the　afterlife　and　keeping　it　under　wraps　because　we're　not　mature　enough　to　accept　the　findings？　The　findings　would　cause　panic？　No。　I'll　tell　you　what　the　afterlife　is。　It's　a　sweet　and　terribly　touching　idea。　You　can　take　it　or　leave　it。　In　the　meantime　what　you　have　to　do　is　survive　an　assassination　attempt。　That　would　be　an　instant　tonic。　You　would　feel　specially　favored；　you　would　grow　in　charisma。〃
　　〃You　said　earlier　that　death　was　making　me　grow　in　charisma。　Besides；　who　would　want　to　kill　me？〃
　　Once　more　he　shrugged。　Survive　a　train　wreck　in　which　a　hundred　die。　Get　thrown　clear　when　your　single…engine　Cessna　crashes　on　a　golf　course　after　striking　a　power　line　in　heavy　rain　just　minutes　after　takeoff。　It　doesn't　have　to　be　assassination。　The　point　is　you're　standing　at　the　edge　of　a　smoldering　ruin　where　others　lie　inert　and　twisted。　This　can　counteract　the　effect　of　any　number　of　nebulous　masses；　at　least　for　a　time。〃
　　We　window…shopped　a　while；　then　went　into　a　shoe　store。　Murray　looked　at　Weejüns；　Wallabees；　Hush　Puppies。　We　wandered　out　into　the　sun。　Children　in　strollers　squinted　up　at　us；　appearing　to　think　we　were　something　strange。
　　〃Has　your　German　helped？〃
　　〃I　can't　say　it　has。〃
　　〃Has　it　ever　helped？〃
　　〃I　can't　say。　I　don't　know。　Who　knows　these　things？〃
　　〃What　have　you　been　trying　to　do　all　these　years？〃
　　〃Put　myself　under　a　spell；　I　guess。〃
　　〃Correct。　Nothing　to　be　ashamed　of；　Jack。　It's　only　your　fear　that　makes　you　act　this　way。〃
　　〃Only　my　fear？　Only　my　death？〃
　　〃We　shouldn't　be　surprised　at　your　lack　of　success。　How　powerful　did　the　Germans　prove　to　be？　They　lost　the　war；　after　all。〃
　　〃That's　what　Denise　said。〃
　　〃You've　discussed　this　with　the　children？〃
　　〃Superficially。〃
　　〃Helpless　and　fearful　people　are　drawn　to　magical　figures；　mythic　figures；　epic　men　who　intimidate　and　darkly　loom。〃
　　〃You're　talking　about　Hitler；　I　take　it。〃
　　〃Some　people　are　larger　than　life。　Hitler　is　larger　than　death。　You　thought　he　would　protect　you。　I　understand　pletely。〃
　　〃Do　you？　Because　I　wish　I　did。〃
　　〃It's　totally　obvious。　You　wanted　to　be　helped　and　sheltered。　The　overwhelming　horror　would　leave　no　room　for　your　own　death。　'Submerge　me；'　you　said。　'Absorb　my　fear。'　On　one　level　you　wanted　to　conceal　yourself　in　Hitler　and　his　works。　On　another　level　you　wanted　to　use　him　to　grow　in　significance　and　strength。
　　I　sense　a　confusion　of　means。　Not　that　I'm　criticizing。　It　was　a　daring　thing　you　did；　a　daring　thrust。　To　use　him。　I　can　admire　the　attempt　even　as　I　see　how　totally　dumb　it　was；　although　no　dumber　than　wearing　a　charm　or　knocking　wood。　Six　hundred　million　Hindus　stay　home　from　work　if　the　signs　are　not　favorable　that　morning。　So　I'm　not　singling　you　out。〃　'The　vast　and　terrible　depth。〃　〃Of　course；〃　he　said。　〃The　inexhaustibility。〃　〃I　understand。〃
　　'The　whole　huge　nameless　thing。〃　〃Yes；　absolutely。〃　〃The　massive　darkness。〃　〃Certainly；　certainly。〃　'The　whole　terrible　endless　hugeness。〃　〃I　know　exactly　what　you　mean。〃
　　He　tapped　the　fender　of　a　diagonally　parked　car；　half　smiling。　〃Why　have　you　failed；　Jack？〃　〃A　confusion　of　means。〃
　　〃Correct。　There　are　numerous　ways　to　get　around　death。　You　tried　to　employ　two　of　them　at　once。　You　stood　out　on　the　one　hand　and　tried　to　hide　on　the　other。　What　is　the　name　we　give　to　this　attempt？〃　〃Dumb。〃
　　I　followed　him　into　the　supermarket。　Blasts　of　color；　layers　of　oceanic　sound。　We　walked　under　a　bright　banner　announcing　a　raffle　to　raise　money　for　some　incurable　disease。　The　wording　seemed　to　indicate　that　the　winner　would　get　the　disease。　Murray　likened　the　banner　to　a　Tibetan　prayer　flag。
　　〃Why　have　I　had　this　fear　so　long；　so　consistently？〃　〃It's　obvious。　You　don't　know　how　to　repress。　We're　all　aware　there's　no　escape　from　death。　How　do　we　deal　with　this　crushing　knowledge？　We　repress；　we　disguise；　we　bury；　we　exclude。　Some　people　do　it　better　than　others；　that's　all。〃　〃How　can　I　improve？〃　〃You　can't。　Some　people　just　don't　have　the　unconscious　tools　to　perform　the　necessary　disguising　operations。〃
　　〃How　do　we　know　repression　exists　if　the　tools　are　unconscious　and　the　thing　we're　repressing　is　so　cleverly　disguised？〃
　　〃Freud　said　so。　Speaking　of　looming　figures。〃
　　He　picked　up　a　box　of　Handi…Wrap　II；　reading　the　display　type；　studying　the　colors。　He　smelled　a　packet　of　dehydrated　soup。　The　data　was　strong　today。
　　〃Do　you　think　I'm　somehow　healthier　because　I　don't　know　how　to　repress？　Is　it　possible　that　constant　fear　is　the　natural　state　of　man　and　that　by　living　close　to　my　fear　I　am　actually　doing　something　heroic；　Murray？〃
　　〃Do　you　feel　heroic？〃
　　〃No。〃
　　'Then　you　probably　aren't。〃
　　〃But　isn't　repression　unnatural？〃
　　〃Fear　is　unnatural。　Lightning　and　thunder　are　unnatural。　Pain；　death；　reality；　these　are　all　unnatural。　We　can't　bear　these　things　as　they　are。　We　know　too　much。　So　we　resort　to　repression；　promise　and　disguise。　This　is　how　we　survive　in　the　universe。　This　is　the　natural　language　of　the　species。〃
　　I　looked　at　him　carefully。
　　〃I　exercise。　I　take　care　of　my　body。〃
　　〃No；　you　don't；〃　he　said。
　　He　helped　an　old　man　read　the　date　on　a　loaf　of　raisin　bread。　Children　sailed　by　in　silver　carts。
　　〃Tegrin；　Denorex；　Selsun　Blue。〃
　　Murray　wrote　something　in　his　little　book。　I　watched　him　step　deftly　around　a　dozen　fallen　eggs　oozing　yolky　matter　from　a　busted　carton。
　　〃Why　do　I　feel　so　good　when　I'm　with　Wilder？　It's　not　like　being　with　the　other　kids；〃　I　said。
　　〃You　sense　his　total　ego；　his　freedom　from　limits。〃
　　〃In　what　way　is　he　free　from　limits？〃
　　〃He　doesn't　know　he's　going　to　die。　He　doesn't　know　death　at　all。　You　cherish　this　simpleton　blessing　of　his；　this　exemption　from　harm。　You　want　to　get　close　to　him；　touch　him；　look　at　him；　breathe　him　in。　How　lucky　he　is。　A　cloud　of　unknowing；　an　omnipotent　little　person。　The　child　is　everything；　the　adult　nothing。　Think　about　it。　A　person's　entire　life　is　the　unraveling　of　this　conflict。　No　wonder　we're　bewildered；　staggered；　shattered。〃
　　〃Aren't　you　going　too　far？〃
　　〃I'm　from　New　York。〃
　　〃We　create　beautiful　and　lasting　things；　build　vast　civilizations。〃
　　〃Gorgeous　evasions；〃　he　said。　〃Great　escapes。〃
　　The　doors　parted　photoelectronically。　We　went　outside；　walking　past　the　dry　cleaner；　the　hairstylist；　the　optician。　Murray　relighted　his　pipe；　sucking　impressively　at　the　mouthpiece。
　　〃We　have　talked　about　ways　to　get　around　death；〃　he　said。　〃We　have　discussed　how　you've　already　tried　two　such　ways；　each　cancelling　the　other。　We　have　mentioned　technology；　train　wrecks；　belief　in　an　afterlife。　There　are　other　methods　as　well　and　I　would　like　to　talk　about　one　such　approach。〃
　　We　crossed　the　street。
　　〃I　believe；　Jack；　there　are　two　kinds　of　people　in　the　world。　Killers　and　diers。　Most　of　us　are　diers。　We　don't　have　the　disposition；　the　rage　or　whatever　it　takes　to　be　a　killer。　We　let　death　happen。　We　lie　down　and　die。　But　think　what　it's　like　to　be　a　killer。　Think　how　exciting　it　is；　in　theory；　to　kill　a　person　in　direct　confrontation。　If　he　dies；　you　cannot。　To　kill　him　is　to　gain　life…credit。　The　more　people　you　kill；　the　more　credit　you　store　up。　It　explains　any　number　of　massacres；　wars；　executions。〃
　　〃Are　you　saying　that　men　have　tried　throughout　history　to　cure　themselves　of　death　by　killing　others？〃
　　〃It's　obvious。〃
　　〃And　you　call　this　exciting？〃
　　〃I'm　talking　theory。　In　theory；　violence　is　a　form　of　rebirth。　The　dier　passively　succumbs。　The　killer　lives　on。　What　a　marvelous　equation。　As　a　marauding　band　amasses　dead　bodies；　it　gathers　strength。　Strength　accumulates　like　a　favor　from　the　gods。〃
　　〃What　does　this　have　to　do　with　me？〃
　　〃This　is　theory。　We're　a　couple　of　academics　taking　a　walk。　But　imagine　the　visceral　jolt；　seeing　your　opponent　bleeding　in　the　dust。〃
　　〃You　think　it　adds　to　a　person's　store　of　credit；　like　a　bank　transaction。〃
　　〃Nothingness　is　staring　you　in　the　face。　Utter　and　permanent　oblivion。　You　will　cease　to　be。　To　be；　Jack。　The　dier　accepts　this　and　dies。　The　killer；　in　theory；　attempts　to　defeat　his　own　death　by　killing　others。　He　buys　time；　he　buys　life。　Watch　others　squirm。　See　the　blood　trickle　in　the　dust。〃
　　I　looked　at　him；　amazed。　He　drew　contentedly　on　his　pipe；　making　hollow　sounds。
　　〃It's　a　way　of　controlling　death。　A　way　of　gaining　the　ultimate　upper　hand。　Be　the　killer　for　a　change。　Let　someone　else　be　the　dier。　Let　him　replace　you；　theoretically；　in　that　role。　You　can't　die　if　he　does。　He　dies；　you　live。　See　how　marvelously　simple。〃
　　〃You　say　this　is　what　people　have　been　doing　for　centuries。〃
　　'They're　still　doing　it。　They　do　it　on　a　small　intimate　scale；　they　do　it　in　groups　and　crowds　and　masses。　Kill　to　live。〃
　　〃Sounds　pretty　awful。〃
　　He　seemed　to　shrug。　〃Slaughter　is　never　random。　The　more　people　you　kill；　the　more　power　you　gain　over　your　own　death。　There　is　a　secret　precision　at　work　in　the　most　savage　and　indiscriminate　killings。　To　speak　about　this　is　not　to　do　public　relations　for　murder。　We're　two　academics　in　an　intellectual　environment。　It's　our　duty　to　examine　currents　of　thought；　investigate　the　meaning　of　human　behavior。　But　think　how　exciting；　to　e　out　a　winner　in　a　deathly　struggle；　to　watch　the　bastard　bleed。〃
　　〃Plot　a　murder；　you're　saying。　But　every　plot　is　a　murder　in　effect。　To　plot　is　to　die；　whether　we　know　it　or　not。〃