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屋顶间的哲学家_梭维斯特-第19部分
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ydisgustinme；ifeltitgraduallydiminishing。ibegantosmileatthesusceptibilityofmyfeelings；andthen；inproportionastherainbecameheavierandcolder；thesestricturesonmyselfassumedatoneofill…temper。isilentlyaccusedmyselfoftheabsurdityofmistakingsensationforadmonitionsofmyreason。afterall；werenotthefarmerandhissonsfreetolivealone；tohunt；tokeepdogs；andtokillapig？wherewasthecrimeofit？
withlessnervoussusceptibility；ishouldhaveacceptedthesheltertheyofferedme；andishouldnowbesleepingsnuglyonatrussofstraw；insteadofwalkingwithdifficultythroughthecoldanddrizzlingrain。
ithuscontinuedtoreproachmyself；until；towardmorning；iarrivedatmontargis；jadedandbenumbedwithcold。
〃when；however；igotuprefreshed；towardthemiddleofthenextday；iinstinctivelyreturnedtomyfirstopinion。theappearanceofthefarmhousepresenteditselftomeunderthesamerepulsivecolorswhichtheeveningbeforehaddeterminedmetomakemyescapefromit。reasonitselfremainedsilentwhenreviewingallthosecoarsedetails；andwasforcedtorecognizeinthemtheindicationsofalownature；orelsethepresenceofsomebalefulinfluence。
〃iwentawaythenextdaywithoutbeingabletolearnanythingconcerningthefarmerorhissons；buttherecollectionofmyadventureremaineddeeplyfixedinmymemory。
〃tenyearsafterwardiwastravellinginthediligencethroughthedepartmentoftheloiret；iwasleaningfromthewindow；andlookingatsomecoppicegroundnowforthefirsttimebroughtundercultivation；andthemodeofclearingwhichoneofmytravellingpanionswasexplainingtome；whenmyeyesfelluponawalledinclosure；withaniron…barredgate。insideitiperceivedahousewithalltheblindsclosed；andwhichiimmediatelyrecollected；itwasthefarmhousewhereihadbeensheltered。ieagerlypointeditouttomypanion；andaskedwholivedinit。
〃nobodyjustnow；repliedhe。
〃butwasitnotkept；someyearsago；byafarmerandhistwosons？
〃theturreaus；saidmytravellingpanion；lookingatme；didyouknowthem？
〃isawthemonce。
〃heshookhishead。
〃yes；yes！resumedhe；formanyyearstheylivedtherelikewolvesintheirden；theymerelyknewhowtotillland；killgame；anddrink。thefathermanagedthehouse；butmenlivingalone；withoutwomentolovethem；withoutchildrentosoftenthem；andwithoutgodtomakethemthinkofheaven；alwaysturnintowildbeasts；yousee；soonemorningtheeldestson；whohadbeendrinkingtoomuchbrandy；wouldnotharnesstheplow…horses；hisfatherstruckhimwithhiswhip；andtheson；whowasmaddrunk；shothimdeadwithhisgun。〃
16th；p。m鈥斺�攊havebeenthinkingofthestoryoftheoldcashierthesetwodays；itcamesoopportunelyuponthereflectionsmydreamhadsuggestedtome。
haveinotanimportantlessontolearnfromallthis？
ifoursensationshaveanincontestableinfluenceuponourjudgments；howesitthatwearesolittlecarefulofthosethingswhichawakenormodifythesesensations？theexternalworldisalwaysreflectedinusasinamirror；andfillsourmindswithpictureswhich；unconsciouslytoourselves；beethegermsofouropinionsandofourrulesofconduct。
alltheobjectswhichsurroundusarethen；inreality；somanytalismanswhencegoodandevilinfluencesareemitted；anditisforustochoosethemwisely；soastocreateahealthyatmosphereforourminds。
feelingconvincedofthistruth；isetaboutmakingasurveyofmyattic。
thefirstobjectonwhichmyeyesrestisanoldmapofthehistoryoftheprincipalmonasteryinmynativeprovince。ihadunrolleditwithmuchsatisfaction；andplaceditonthemostconspicuouspartofthewall。whyhadigivenitthisplace？oughtthissheetofoldworm…eatenparchmenttobeofsomuchvaluetome；whoamneitheranantiquarynorascholar？isnotitsrealimportanceinmysightthatoneoftheabbotswhofoundeditboremyname；andthatishall；perchance；beabletomakemyselfagenealogicaltreeofitfortheedificationofmyvisitors？
whilewritingthis；ifeelmyownblushese；downwiththemap！
letusbanishitintomydeepestdrawer。
asipassedmyglass；iperceivedseveralvisitingcardsplacentlydisplayedintheframe。bywhatchanceisitthatthereareonlynamesthatmakeashowamongthem？hereisapolishcount鈥斺�攁retiredcolonel鈥斺�攖hedeputyofmydepartment。quick；quick；intothefirewiththeseproofsofvanity！andletusputthiscardinthehandwritingofouroffice…boy；thisdirectionforcheapdinners；andthereceiptofthebrokerwhereiboughtmylastarmchair；intheirplace。theseindicationsofmypovertywillserve；asmontaignesays；matermasuperbe；andwillalwaysmakemerecollectthemodestyinwhichthedignityofthelowlyconsists。
ihavestoppedbeforetheprintshanginguponthewall。thislargeandsmilingpomona；seatedonsheavesofcorn；andwhosebasketisoverflowingwithfruit；onlyproducesthoughtsofjoyandplenty；iwaslookingathertheotherday；whenifellasleepdenyingsuchathingasmisery。letusgiveheraspanionthispictureofwinter；inwhicheverythingtellsofsorrowandsuffering：onepicturewillmodifytheother。
andthishappyfamilyofgreuzes！whatjoyinthechildrenseyes！
whatsweetreposeintheyoungwomansface！whatreligiousfeelinginthegrandfatherscountenance！maygodpreservetheirhappinesstothem！
butletushangbyitssidethepictureofthismother；whoweepsoveranemptycradle。humanlifehastwofaces；bothofwhichwemustdaretocontemplateintheirturn。
letmehide；too；theseridiculousmonsterswhichornamentmychimneypiece。platohassaidthat〃thebeautifulisnothingelsethanthevisibleformofthegood。〃ifitisso；theuglyshouldbethevisibleformoftheevil；and；byconstantlybeholdingit；themindinsensiblydeteriorates。
butaboveall；inordertocherishthefeelingsofkindnessandpity；letmehangatthefootofmybedthisaffectingpictureofthelastsleep！
neverhaveibeenabletolookatitwithoutfeelingmyhearttouched。
anoldwoman；clothedinrags；islyingbyaroadside；herstickisatherfeet；andherheadrestsuponastone；shehasfallenasleep；herhandsareclasped；murmuringaprayerofherchildhood；shesleepsherlastsleep；shedreamsherlastdream！
sheseesherself；againastrongandhappychild；keepingthesheeponthemon；gatheringtheberriesfromthehedges；singing；curtsyingtopassers…by；andmakingthesignofthecrosswhenthefirststarappearsintheheavens！happytime；filledwithfragranceandsunshine！shewantsnothingyet；forsheisignorantofwhatthereistowishfor。
butseehergrownup；thetimeiseforworkingbravely：shemustcutthecorn；threshthewheat；carrythebundlesoffloweringcloverorbranchesofwitheredleavestothefarm。ifhertoilishard；hopeshineslikeasunovereverythinganditwipesthedropsofsweataway。
thegrowinggirlalreadyseesthatlifeisatask；butshestillsingsasshefulfillsit。
by…and…byetheburdenbeesheavier；sheisawife；sheisamother！
shemusteconomizethebreadofto…day；havehereyeuponthemorrow；takecareofthesick；andsustainthefeeble；shemustact；inshort；thatpartofanearthlyprovidence；soeasywhengodgivesushisaid；sohardwhenheforsakesus。sheisstillstrong；butsheisanxious；shesingsnolonger！
yetafewyears；andallisovercast。thehusbandshealthisbroken；hiswifeseeshimpineawaybythenowfirelesshearth；coldandhungerfinishwhatsicknesshadbegun；hedies；andhiswidowsitsonthegroundbythecoffinprovidedbythecharityofothers；pressinghertwohalf…nakedlittleonesinherarms。shedreadsthefuture；sheweeps；andshedroopsherhead。
atlastthefuturehase；thechildrenaregrownup；buttheyarenolongerwithher。hersonisfightingunderhiscountrysflag；andhissisterisgone。bothhavebeenlosttoherforalongtime鈥斺�攑erhapsforever；andthestronggirl；thebravewife；thecourageousmother；ishenceforthonlyapooroldbeggar…woman；withoutafamily；andwithoutahome！sheweepsnomore；sorrowhassubduedher；shesurrenders；andwaitsfordeath。
death；thatfaithfulfriendofthewretched；ise：nothideousandwithmockery；assuperstitionrepresents；butbeautiful；smiling；andcrownedwithstars！thegentlephantomstoopstothebeggar；itspalelipsmurmurafewairywords；whichannouncetohertheendofherlabors；apeacefuljoyesovertheagedbeggarwoman；and；leaningontheshoulderofthegreatdeliverer；shehaspassedunconsciouslyfromherlastearthlysleeptohereternalrest。
liethere；thoupoorway…weariedwoman！theleaveswillservetheeforawinding…sheet。nightwillshedhertearsofdewoverthee；andthebirdswillsingsweetlybythyremains。thyvisitherebelowwillnothaveleftmoretracethantheirflightthroughtheair；thynameisalreadyforgotten；andtheonlylegacythouhasttoleaveisthehawthornsticklyingforgottenatthyfeet！
well！someonewilltakeitup鈥斺�攕omesoldierofthatgreathumanhostwhichisscatteredabroadbymiseryorbyvice；forthouartnotanexception；thouartaninstance；andunderthesamesunwhichshinessopleasantlyuponall；inthemidstofthesefloweringvineyards；thisripecorn；andthesewealthycities；entiregenerationssuffer；succeedeachother；andstillbequeathtoeachthebeggarsstick！
thesightofthissadpictureshallmakememoregratefulforwhatgodhasgivenme；andmorepassionateforthosewhomhehastreatedwithlessindulgence；itshallbealessonandasubjectforreflectionforme。
ah！ifwewouldwatchforeverythingthatmightimproveandinstructus；ifthearrangementsofourdailylifeweresodisposedastobeaconstantschoolforourminds！butoftenestwetakenoheedofthem。
manisaneternalmysterytohimself；hisownpersonisahouseintowhichheneverenters；andofwhichhestudiestheoutsidealone。eachofusneedhavecontinuallybeforehimthefamousinscriptionwhichonceinstructedsocrates；andwhichwasengravedonthewallsofdelphibyanunknownhand：
knowthyself。
CHAPTER XII
theendoftheyear
december30th；p。m。
iwasinbed；andhardlyrecoveredfromthedeliriousfeverwhichhadkeptmeforsolongbetweenlifeanddeath。myweakenedbrainwasmakingeffortstorecoveritsactivity；mythoughts；likeraysoflightstrugglingthroughtheclouds；werestillconfusedandimperfect；attimesifeltareturnofthedizzinesswhichmadeachaosofallmyideas；andifloated；sotospeak；betweenalternatefitsofmentalwanderingandconsciousness。
sometimeseverythingseemedplaintome；liketheprospectwhich；fromthetopofsomehighmountain；opensbeforeusinclearweather。wedistinguishwater；woods；villages；cattle；eventhecottageperchedontheedgeoftheravine；thensuddenlythereesagustofwindladenwithmist；andallisconfusedandindistinct。
thus；yieldingtotheoscillationsofahalf…recoveredreason；iallowedmymindtofollowitsvariousimpulseswithouttroublingmyselftoseparatetherealfromtheimaginary；iglidedsoftlyfromonetotheother；andmydreamsandwakingthoughtssucceededcloselyupononeanother。
now；whilemymindiswanderinginthisunsettledstate；see；underneaththeclockwhichmeasuresthehourswithitsloudticking；afemalefigureappearsbeforeme！
atfirstsightisawenoughtosatisfymethatshewasnotadaughterofeve。inhereyewasthelastflashofanexpiringstar；andherfacehadthepallorofanheroicdeath…struggle。shewasdressedinadraperyofathousandchangingcolorsofthebrightestandthemostsombrehues；andheldawitheredgarlandinherhand。
afterhavingcontemplatedherforsomemoments；iaskedhername；andwhatbroughtherintomyattic。hereyes；whichwerefollowingt
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