all roads lead to calvary-第37部分

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h　the　morning　train。　　At　Folkestone；　she　drove　first　to　a　house　where　she　herself　had　once　lodged　and　fixed　things　to　her　satisfaction。　　The　nurse　was　waiting　for　her　in　the　downstairs　room；　and　opened　the　door　to　her。　　She　was　opposed　to　Joan's　interference。　　But　Joan　had　come　prepared　for　that。　　〃Let　me　have　a　talk　with　her；〃　she　said。　　〃I　think　I've　found　out　what　it　is　that　is　causing　all　the　trouble。〃

The　nurse　shot　her　a　swift　glance。　　〃I'm　glad　of　that；〃　she　said　dryly。　　She　let　Joan　go　upstairs。

Mrs。　Phillips　was　asleep。　　Joan　seated　herself　beside　the　bed　and　waited。　　She　had　not　yet　made　herself　up　for　the　day　and　the　dyed　hair　was　hidden　beneath　a　white；　close…fitting　cap。　　The　pale；　thin　face　with　its　closed　eyes　looked　strangely　young。　　Suddenly　the　thin　hands　clasped；　and　her　lips　moved；　as　if　she　were　praying　in　her　sleep。　　Perhaps　she　also　was　dreaming　of　Gethsemane。　　It　must　be　quite　a　crowded　garden；　if　only　we　could　see　it。

After　a　while；　her　eyes　opened。　　Joan　drew　her　chair　nearer　and　slipped　her　arm　in　under　her；　and　their　eyes　met。

〃You're　not　playing　the　game；〃　whispered　Joan；　shaking　her　head。　〃I　only　promised　on　condition　that　you　would　try　to　get　well。〃

The　woman　made　no　attempt　to　deny。　　Something　told　her　that　Joan　had　learned　her　secret。　　She　glanced　towards　the　door。　　Joan　had　closed　it。

〃Don't　drag　me　back；〃　she　whispered。　　〃It's　all　finished。〃　　She　raised　herself　up　and　put　her　arms　about　Joan's　neck。　　〃It　was　hard　at　first；　and　I　hated　you。　　And　then　it　came　to　me　that　this　was　what　I　had　been　wanting　to　do；　all　my　lifesomething　to　help　him；　that　nobody　else　could　do。　　Don't　take　it　from　me。〃

〃I　know；〃　whispered　Joan。　　〃I've　been　there；　too。　　I　knew　you　were　doing　it；　though　I　didn't　quite　know　howtill　the　other　day。　　I　wouldn't　think。　　I　wanted　to　pretend　that　I　didn't。　　I　know　all　you　can　say。　　I've　been　listening　to　it。　　It　was　right　of　you　to　want　to　give　it　all　up　to　me　for　his　sake。　　But　it　would　be　wrong　of　me　to　take　it。　　I　don't　quite　see　why。　　I　can't　explain　it。　　But　I　mustn't。　　So　you　see　it　would　be　no　good。〃

〃But　I'm　so　useless；〃　pleaded　the　woman。

〃I　said　that；〃　answered　Joan。　　〃I　wanted　to　do　it　and　I　talked　and　talked；　so　hard。　　I　said　everything　I　could　think　of。　　But　that　was　the　only　answer：　　I　mustn't　do　it。〃

They　remained　for　a　while　with　their　arms　round　one　another。　　It　struck　Joan　as　curious；　even　at　the　time；　that　all　feeling　of　superiority　had　gone　out　of　her。　　They　might　have　been　two　puzzled　children　that　had　met　one　another　on　a　path　that　neither　knew。　　But　Joan　was　the　stronger　character。

〃I　want　you　to　give　me　up　that　box；〃　she　said；　〃and　to　come　away　with　me　where　I　can　be　with　you　and　take　care　of　you　until　you　are　well。〃

Mrs。　Phillips　made　yet　another　effort。　　〃Have　you　thought　about　him？〃　she　asked。

Joan　answered　with　a　faint　smile。　　〃Oh；　yes；〃　she　said。　　〃I　didn't　forget　that　argument　in　case　it　hadn't　occurred　to　the　Lord。〃

〃Perhaps；〃　she　added；　〃the　helpmate　theory　was　intended　to　apply　only　to　our　bodies。　　There　was　nothing　said　about　our　souls。　Perhaps　God　doesn't　have　to　work　in　pairs。　　Perhaps　we　were　meant　to　stand　alone。〃

Mrs。　Phillips's　thin　hands　were　playing　nervously　with　the　bed　clothes。　　There　still　seemed　something　that　she　had　to　say。　　As　if　Joan　hadn't　thought　of　everything。　　Her　eyes　were　fixed　upon　the　narrow　strip　of　light　between　the　window　curtains。

〃You　don't　think　you　could；　dear；〃　she　whispered；　〃if　I　didn't　do　anything　wicked　any　more。　　But　just　let　things　take　their　course。〃

〃You　see；　dear；〃　she　went　on；　her　face　still　turned　away；　〃I　thought　it　all　finished。　　It　will　be　hard　for　me　to　go　back　to　him；　knowing　as　I　do　now　that　he　doesn't　want　me。　　I　shall　always　feel　that　I　am　in　his　way。　　And　Hilda；〃　she　added　after　a　pause；　〃she　will　hate　me。〃

Joan　looked　at　the　white　patient　face　and　was　silent。　　What　would　be　the　use　of　senseless　contradiction。　　The　woman　knew。　　It　would　only　seem　an　added　stab　of　mockery。　　She　knelt　beside　the　bed；　and　took　the　thin　hands　in　hers。

〃I　think　God　must　want　you　very　badly；〃　she　said；　〃or　He　wouldn't　have　laid　so　heavy　a　cross　upon　you。　　You　will　come？〃

The　woman　did　not　answer　in　words。　　The　big　tears　were　rolling　down　her　cheeks。　　There　was　no　paint　to　mingle　with　and　mar　them。　　She　drew　the　little　metal　box　from　under　the　pillow　and　gave　it　into　Joan's　hands。

Joan　crept　out　softly　from　the　room。

The　nurse　was　standing　by　the　window。　　She　turned　sharply　on　Joan's　entrance。　　Joan　slipped　the　box　into　her　hands。

The　nurse　raised　the　lid。　　〃What　a　fool　I've　been；〃　she　said。　　〃I　never　thought　of　that。〃

She　held　out　a　large　strong　hand　and　gave　Joan　a　longish　grip。　〃You're　right；〃　she　said；　〃we　must　get　her　out　of　this　house　at　once。　　Forgive　me。〃

Phillips　had　been　called　up　north　and　wired　that　he　would　not　be　able　to　get　down　till　the　Wednesday　evening。　　Joan　met　him　at　the　station。

〃She　won't　be　expecting　you；　just　yet；〃　she　explained。　　〃We　might　have　a　little　walk。〃

She　waited　till　they　had　reached　a　quiet　road　leading　to　the　hills。

〃You　will　find　her　changed；〃　she　said。　　〃Mentally；　I　mean。　　Though　she　will　try　not　to　show　it。　　She　was　dying　for　your　saketo　set　you　free。　　Hilda　seems　to　have　had　a　talk　with　her　and　to　have　spared　her　no　part　of　the　truth。　　Her　great　love　for　you　made　the　sacrifice　possible　and　even　welcome。　　It　was　the　one　gift　she　had　in　her　hands。　　She　was　giving　it　gladly；　proudly。　　So　far　as　she　was　concerned；　it　would　have　been　kinder　to　let　her　make　an　end　of　it。　　But　during　the　last　few　days　I　have　come　to　the　conclusion　there　is　a　law　within　us　that　we　may　not　argue　with。　　She　is　coming　back　to　life；　knowing　you　no　longer　want　her；　that　she　is　only　in　the　way。　　Perhaps　you　may　be　able　to　think　of　something　to　say　or　do　that　will　lessen　her　martyrdom。　　I　can't。〃

They　had　paused　where　a　group　of　trees　threw　a　blot　of　shadow　across　the　moonlit　road。

〃You　mean　she　was　killing　herself？〃　he　asked。

〃Quite　cleverly。　　So　as　to　avoid　all　danger　of　after　discovery：　that　might　have　hurt　us；〃　she　answered。

They　walked　in　silence；　and　coming　to　a　road　that　led　back　into　the　town；　he　turned　down　it。　　She　had　the　feeling　she　was　following　him　without　his　knowing　it。　　A　cab　was　standing　outside　the　gate　of　a　house；　having　just　discharged　its　fare。　　He　seemed　to　have　suddenly　recollected　her。

〃Do　you　mind？〃　he　said。　　〃We　shall　get　there　so　much　quicker。〃

〃You　go；〃　she　said。　　〃I'll　stroll　on　quietly。〃

〃You're　sure？〃　he　said。

〃I　would　rather；〃　she　answered。

It　struck　her　that　he　was　relieved。　　He　gave　the　man　the　address；　speaking　hurriedly；　and　jumped　in。

She　had　gone　on。　　She　heard　the　closing　of　the　door　behind　her；　and　the　next　moment　the　cab　passed　her。

She　did　not　see　him　again　that　night。　　They　met　in　the　morning　at　breakfast。　　A　curious　strangeness　to　each　other　seemed　to　have　grown　up　between　them；　as　if　they　had　known　one　another　long　ago；　and　had　half　forgotten。　　When　they　had　finished　she　rose　to　leave；　but　he　asked　her　to　stop；　and；　after　the　table　had　been　cleared；　he　walked　up　and　down　the　room；　while　she　sat　sideways　on　the　window　seat　from　where　she　could　watch　the　little　ships　moving　to　and　fro　across　the　horizon；　like　painted　figures　in　a　show。

〃I　had　a　long　talk　with　Nan　last　night；〃　he　said。　　〃And；　trying　to　explain　it　to　her；　I　came　a　little　nearer　to　understanding　it　myself。　　My　love　for　you　would　have　been　strong　enough　to　ruin　both　of　us。　　I　see　that　now。　　It　would　have　dominated　every　other　thought　in　me。　　It　would　have　swallowed　up　my　dreams。　　It　would　have　been　blind；　unscrupulous。　　Married　to　you；　I　should　have　aimed　only　at　success。　　It　would　not　have　been　your　fault。　　You　would　not　have　known。　　About　mere　birth　I　should　never　have　troubled　myself。　I've　met　daughters　of　a　hundred　earlsmore　or　less：　　clever；　jolly　little　women　I　could　have　chucked　under　the　chin　and　have　been　chummy　with。　　Nature　creates　her　own　ranks；　and　puts　her　ban　upon　misalliances。　　Every　time　I　took　you　in　my　arms　I　should　have　felt　that　you　had　stepped　down　from　your　proper　order　to　mate　yourself　with　me　and　that　it　was　up　to　me　to　make　the　sacrifice　good　to　you　by　giving　you　powerposition。　　Already　within　the　last　few　weeks；　when　it　looked　as　if　this　thing　was　going　to　be　possible；　I　have　been　thinking　against　my　will　of　a　compromise　with　Carleton　that　would　give　me　his　support。　　This　coming　election　was　beginning　to　have　terrors　for　me　that　I　have　never　before　felt。　　The　thought　of　defeathaving　to　go　back　to　comparative　poverty；　to　comparative　obscurity；　with　you　as　my　wife；　was　growing　into　a　nightmare。　　I　should　have　wanted　wealth；　fame；　victory；　for　your　saketo　see　you　honoured；　courted；　envied；　finely　dressed　and　finely　housed　grateful　to　me　for　having　won　for　you　these　things。　　It　wasn't　honest；　healthy　lovethe　love　that　unites；　that　makes　a　man　willing　to　take　as　well　as　to　give；　that　I　felt　for　you；　it　was　worship　that　separates　a　man　from　a　woman；　that　puts　fear　between　them。　　It　isn't　good　that　man　should　worship　a　woman。　　He　can't　serve　God　and　woman。　　Their　interests　are　liable　to　clash。　　Nan's　my　helpmatejust　a　loving　woman　that　the　Lord　brought　to　me　and　gave　me　when　I　was　alonethat　I　still　love。　　I　didn't　know　it　till　last　night。　　She　will　never　stand　in　my　way。　　I　haven't　to　put　her　against　my　duty。　　She　will　leave　me　free　to　obey　the　voice　that　calls　to　me。　　And　no　man　can　hear　that　voice　but　himself。〃

He　had　been　speaking　in　a　clear；　self…confident　tone；　as　if　at　last　he　saw　his　road　before　him　to　the　end；　and　felt　that　nothing　else　mattered　but　that　he　should　go　forward　hopefully；　unfalteringly。　Now　he　paused；　and　his　eyes　wandered。　　But　the　lines　about　his　strong　mouth　deepened。

〃Perhaps；　I　am　not　of　the　stuff　that　conquerors　are　made；〃　he　went　on。　　〃Perhaps；　if　I　were；　I　should　be　thinking　differently。　　It　comes　to　me　sometimes　that　I　may　be　one　of　those　intended　only　to　prepare　the　waythat　for　me　there　may　be　only　the　endless　struggle。　　I　may　have　to　face　unpopularity；　abuse；　failure。　　She　won't　mind。〃

〃Nor　would　you；〃　he　added；　turning　to　her　suddenly　for　the　first　time；　〃I　know　that。　　But　I　should　be　afraidfor　you。〃

She　had　listened　to　him　without　int