all roads lead to calvary-第42部分

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eaking　eggs；〃　she　told　herself。

It　annoyed　her；　that　silly　saying　having　come　into　her　mind。　　She　could　see　them　lying　there；　with　their　white　faces　to　the　night。　Surely　she　might　have　thought　of　some　remark　less　idiotic　to　make　to　herself；　at　such　a　time。

He　was　explaining　to　her　things　about　the　air　service。　　It　seemed　he　had　had　experience　in　flyingsome　relation　of　his　with　whom　he　had　spent　a　holiday　last　summer。

It　would　mean　his　getting　out　quickly。　　He　seemed　quite　eager　to　be　gone。

〃Isn't　it　rather　dangerous　work？〃　she　asked。　　She　felt　it　was　a　footling　question　even　as　she　asked　it。　　Her　brain　had　become　stodgy。

〃Nothing　like　as　dangerous　as　being　in　the　Infantry；〃　he　answered。　〃And　that　would　be　my　only　other　alternative。　　Besides　I　get　out　of　the　drilling。〃　　He　laughed。　　〃I　should　hate　being　shouted　at　and　ordered　about　by　a　husky　old　sergeant。〃

They　neither　spoke　again　till　they　came　to　the　bridge；　from　the　other　side　of　which　the　busses　started。

〃I　may　not　see　you　again　before　I　go；〃　he　said。　　〃Look　after　Mary。　I　shall　try　to　persuade　her　to　go　down　to　her　aunt　in　Hampshire。　It's　rather　a　bit　of　luck；　as　it　turns　out；　the　paper　being　finished　with。　　I　shouldn't　have　quite　known　what　to　do。〃

He　had　stopped　at　the　corner。　　They　were　still　beneath　the　shadow　of　the　trees。　　Quite　unconsciously　she　put　her　face　up；　and　as　if　it　had　always　been　the　custom　at　their　partings；　he　drew　her　to　him　and　kissed　her；　though　it　really　was　for　the　first　time。

She　walked　home　instead　of　taking　the　bus。　　She　wanted　to　think。　　A　day　or　two　would　decide　the　question。　　She　determined　that　if　the　miracle　did　not　happen；　she　would　go　down　to　Liverpool。　　Her　father　was　on　the　committee　of　one　of　the　great　hospitals；　and　she　knew　one　or　two　of　the　matrons。　　She　would　want　to　be　doing　something　to　get　out　to　the　front；　if　possible。　　Maybe；　her　desire　to　serve　was　not　altogether　free　from　curiosityfrom　the　craving　for　adventure。　　There's　a　spice　of　the　man　even　in　the　best　of　women。

Her　conscience　plagued　her　when　she　thought　of　Mrs。　Denton。　　For　some　time　now；　they　had　been　very　close　together；　and　the　old　lady　had　come　to　depend　upon　her。　　She　waited　till　all　doubt　was　ended　before　calling　to　say　good…bye。　　Mrs。　Denton　was　seated　before　an　old　bureau　that　had　long　stood　locked　in　a　corner　of　the　library。　The　drawers　were　open　and　books　and　papers　were　scattered　about。

Joan　told　her　plans。　　〃You'll　be　able　to　get　along　without　me　for　a　little　while？〃　she　asked　doubtfully。

Mrs。　Denton　laughed。　　〃I　haven't　much　more　to　do；〃　she　answered。　〃Just　tidying　up；　as　you　see；　and　two　or　three　half…finished　things　I　shall　try　to　complete。　　After　that；　I'll　perhaps　take　a　rest。〃

She　took　from　among　the　litter　a　faded　photograph　and　handed　it　to　Joan。　　〃Odd；〃　she　said。　　〃I've　just　turned　it　out。〃

It　represented　a　long；　thin　line　of　eminently　respectable　ladies　and　gentlemen　in　early　Victorian　costume。　　The　men　in　peg…top　trousers　and　silk　stocks；　the　women　in　crinolines　and　poke　bonnets。　Among　them；　holding　the　hand　of　a　benevolent…looking；　stoutish　gentleman；　was　a　mere　girl。　　The　terminating　frills　of　a　white　unmentionable　garment　showed　beneath　her　skirts。　　She　wore　a　porkpie　hat　with　a　feather　in　it。

〃My　first　public　appearance；〃　explained　Mrs。　Denton。　　〃I　teased　my　father　into　taking　me　with　him。　　We　represented　Great　Britain　and　Ireland。　　I　suppose　I'm　the　only　one　left。〃

〃I　shouldn't　have　recognized　you；〃　laughed　Joan。　　〃What　was　the　occasion？〃

〃The　great　International　Peace　Congress　at　Paris；〃　explained　Mrs。　Denton；　〃just　after　the　Crimean　war。　　It　made　quite　a　stir　at　the　time。　　The　Emperor　opened　our　proceedings　in　person；　and　the　Pope　and　the　Archbishop　of　Canterbury　both　sent　us　their　blessing。　　We　had　a　copy　of　the　speeches　presented　to　us　on　leaving；　in　every　known　language　in　Europe；　bound　in　vellum。　　I'm　hoping　to　find　it。　And　the　Press　was　enthusiastic。　　There　were　to　be　Acts　of　Parliament；　Courts　of　Arbitration；　International　Laws；　Diplomatic　Treaties。　　A　Sub…Committee　was　appointed　to　prepare　a　special　set　of　prayers　and　a　Palace　of　Peace　was　to　be　erected。　　There　was　only　one　thing　we　forgot；　and　that　was　the　foundation。〃

〃I　may　not　be　here；〃　she　continued；　〃when　the　new　plans　are　submitted。　　Tell　them　not　to　forget　the　foundation　this　time。　　Tell　them　to　teach　the　children。〃

Joan　dined　at　a　popular　restaurant　that　evening。　　She　fancied　it　might　cheer　her　up。　　But　the　noisy　patriotism　of　the　over…fed　crowd　only　irritated　her。　　These　elderly；　flabby　men；　these　fleshy　women；　who　would　form　the　spectators；　who　would　loll　on　their　cushioned　seats　protected　from　the　sun；　munching　contentedly　from　their　well…　provided　baskets　while　listening　to　the　dying　groans　rising　upwards　from　the　drenched　arena。　　She　glanced　from　one　podgy　thumb　to　another　and　a　feeling　of　nausea　crept　over　her。

Suddenly　the　band　struck　up　〃God　Save　the　King。〃　　Three　commonplace　enough　young　men；　seated　at　a　table　near　to　her；　laid　down　their　napkins　and　stood　up。　　Yes；　there　was　something　to　be　said　for　war；　she　felt；　as　she　looked　at　their　boyish　faces；　transfigured。　　Not　for　them　Business　as　usual；　the　Capture　of　German　Trade。　　Other　visions　those　young　eyes　were　seeing。　　The　little　imp　within　her　brain　had　seized　his　drum　again。　　〃Follow　me〃so　he　seemed　to　beat〃I　teach　men　courage；　duty；　the　laying　down　of　self。　　I　open　the　gates　of　honour。　　I　make　heroes　out　of　dust。　　Isn't　it　worth　my　price？〃

A　figure　was　loitering　the　other　side　of　the　street　when　she　reached　home。　　She　thought　she　somehow　recognized　it；　and　crossed　over。　　It　was　McKean；　smoking　his　everlasting　pipe。　　Success　having　demanded　some　such　change；　he　had　migrated　to　〃The　Albany；〃　and　she　had　not　seen　him　for　some　time。　　He　had　come　to　have　a　last　look　at　the　housein　case　it　might　happen　to　be　the　last。　　He　was　off　to　Scotland　the　next　morning；　where　he　intended　to　〃join　up。〃

〃But　are　you　sure　it's　your　particular　duty？〃　suggested　Joan。　　〃I'm　told　you've　become　a　household　word　both　in　Germany　and　France。　　If　we　really　are　out　to　end　war　and　establish　the　brotherhood　of　nations；　the　work　you　are　doing　is　of　more　importance　than　even　the　killing　of　Germans。　　It　isn't　as　if　there　wouldn't　be　enough　without　you。〃

〃To　tell　the　truth；〃　he　answered；　〃that's　exactly　what　I've　been　saying　to　myself。　　I　shan't　be　any　good。　　I　don't　see　myself　sticking　a　bayonet　into　even　a　German。　　Unless　he　happened　to　be　abnormally　clumsy。　　I　tried　to　shoot　a　rabbit　once。　　I　might　have　done　it　if　the　little　beggar；　instead　of　running　away；　hadn't　turned　and　looked　at　me。〃

〃I　should　keep　out　of　it　if　I　were　you；〃　laughed　Joan。

〃I　can't；〃　he　answered。　　〃I'm　too　great　a　coward。〃

〃An　odd　reason　for　enlisting；〃　thought　Joan。

〃I　couldn't　face　it；〃　he　went　on；　〃the　way　people　would　be　looking　at　me　in　trains　and　omnibuses；　the　things　people　would　say　of　me；　the　things　I　should　imagine　they　were　saying；　what　my　valet　would　be　thinking　of　me。　　Oh；　I'm　ashamed　enough　of　myself。　　It's　the　artistic　temperament；　I　suppose。　　We　must　always　be　admired；　praised。　　We're　not　the　stuff　that　martyrs　are　made　of。　　We　must　for　ever　be　kow…towing　to　the　cackling　geese　around　us。　　We're　so　terrified　lest　they　should　hiss　us。〃

The　street　was　empty。　　They　were　pacing　it　slowly；　up　and　down。

〃I've　always　been　a　coward；〃　he　continued。　　〃I　fell　in　love　with　you　the　first　day　I　met　you　on　the　stairs。　　But　I　dared　not　tell　you。〃

〃You　didn't　give　me　that　impression；〃　answered　Joan。

She　had　always　found　it　difficult　to　know　when　to　take　him　seriously　and　when　not。

〃I　was　so　afraid　you　would　find　it　out；〃　he　explained。

〃You　thought　I　would　take　advantage　of　it；〃　she　suggested。

〃One　can　never　be　sure　of　a　woman；〃　he　answered。　　〃And　it　would　have　been　so　difficult。　　There　was　a　girl　down　in　Scotland；　one　of　the　village　girls。　　It　wasn't　anything　really。　　We　had　just　been　children　together。　　But　they　all　thought　I　had　gone　away　to　make　my　fortune　so　as　to　come　back　and　marry　hereven　my　mother。　　It　would　have　looked　so　mean　if　after　getting　on　I　had　married　a　fine　London　lady。　　I　could　never　have　gone　home　again。〃

〃But　you　haven't　married　heror　have　you？〃　asked　Joan。

〃No；〃　he　answered。　　〃She　wrote　me　a　beautiful　letter　that　I　shall　always　keep；　begging　me　to　forgive　her；　and　hoping　I　might　be　happy。　　She　had　married　a　young　farmer；　and　was　going　out　to　Canada。　　My　mother　will　never　allow　her　name　to　be　mentioned　in　our　house。〃

They　had　reached　the　end　of　the　street　again。　　Joan　held　out　her　hand　with　a　laugh。

〃Thanks　for　the　compliment；〃　she　said。　　〃Though　I　notice　you　wait　till　you're　going　away　before　telling　me。〃

〃But　quite　seriously；〃　she　added；　〃give　it　a　little　more　thought　the　enlisting；　I　mean。　　The　world　isn't　too　rich　in　kind　influences。　　It　needs　men　like　you。　　Come；　pull　yourself　together　and　show　a　little　pluck。〃　　She　laughed。

〃I'll　try；〃　he　promised；　〃but　it　won't　be　any　use；　I　shall　drift　about　the　streets；　seeking　to　put　heart　into　myself；　but　all　the　while　my　footsteps　will　be　bearing　me　nearer　and　nearer　to　the　recruiting　office；　and　outside　the　door　some　girl　in　the　crowd　will　smile　approval　or　some　old　fool　will　pat　me　on　the　shoulder　and　I　shall　sneak　in　and　it　will　close　behind　me。　　It　must　be　fine　to　have　courage。〃

He　wrote　her　two　days　later　from　Ayr；　giving　her　the　name　of　his　regiment；　and　again　some　six　months　later　from　Flanders。　　But　there　would　have　been　no　sense　in　her　replying　to　that　last。

She　lingered　in　the　street　by　herself；　a　little　time；　after　he　had　turned　the　corner。　　It　had　been　a　house　of　sorrow　and　disappointment　to　her；　but　so　also　she　had　dreamed　her　dreams　there；　seen　her　visions。　　She　had　never　made　much　headway　with　her　landlord　and　her　landlady：　　a　worthy　couple；　who　had　proved　most　excellent　servants；　but　who　prided　themselves；　to　use　their　own　expression；　on　knowing　their　place　and　keeping　themselves　to　themselves。　　Joan　had　given　them　notice　that　morning；　and　had　been　surprised　at　the　woman's　bursting　into　tears。

〃I　felt　it　just　the　same　when　young　Mr。　McKean　left　us；〃　she　explained　with　apologies。　　〃He　had　been　with　us　five　years。　　He　was　like　you；　miss；　so　unpracticable。　　I'd　got　used　to　looking　af