the garden of allah-第105部分

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little　sick　child；　and　as　if　she　must　lie　down　there　on　the　dust　of
the　white　road　in　the　sunshine；　lie　down　and　die　at　the　edge　of　the
desert　that　had　treated　her　cruelly；　that　had　slain　the　hopes　it　had
given　to　her　and　brought　into　her　heart　this　terrible　despair。

For　now　she　knew　a　moment　of　utter　despair；　in　which　all　things　seemed
to　dissolve　into　atoms　and　sink　down　out　of　her　sight。　She　stood
quivering　in　blackness。　She　stood　absolutely　alone；　more　absolutely
alone　than　any　woman　had　ever　been；　than　any　human　being　had　ever
been。　She　seemed　presently；　as　the　blackness　faded　into　something
pale；　like　a　ghastly　twilight；　to　see　herselfher　wraith；　as　it　were
standing　in　a　vast　landscape；　vast　as　the　desert；　companionless；
lost；　forgotten；　out　of　mind；　watching　for　something　that　would　never
come；　listening　for　some　voice　that　was　hushed　in　eternal　silence。

That　was　to　be　her　life；　she　thoughtcould　she　face　it？　Could　she
endure　it？　And　everything　within　her　said　to　her　that　she　could　not。

And　then；　just　then；　when　she　felt　that　she　must　sink　down　and　give　up
the　battle　of　life；　she　seemed　to　see　by　her　side　a　shape；　a　little
shape　like　a　child。　And　it　lifted　up　a　hand　to　her　hand。

And　she　knew　that　the　vast　landscape　was　God's　garden；　the　Garden　of
Allah；　and　that　no　day；　no　night　could　ever　pass　without　God　walking
in　it。

Hearing　a　knock　upon　the　great　gate　of　the　garden　Smain　uncurled
himself　on　his　mat　within　the　tent；　rose　lazily　to　his　feet；　and；
without　a　rose；　strolled　languidly　to　open　to　the　visitor。　Domini
stood　without。　When　he　saw　her　he　smiled　quietly；　with　no　surprise。

〃Madame　has　returned？〃

Domini　smiled　at　him；　but　her　lips　were　trembling；　and　she　said
nothing。

Smain　observed　her　with　a　dawning　of　curiosity。

〃Madame　is　changed；〃　he　said　at　length。　〃Madame　looks　tired。　The　sun
is　hot　in　the　desert　now。　It　is　better　here　in　the　garden。〃

With　an　effort　she　controlled　herself。

〃Yes；　Smain；〃　she　answered；　〃it　is　better　here。　But　I　can　not　stay
here　long。〃

〃You　are　going　away？〃

〃Yes；　I　am　going　away。〃

She　saw　more　quiet　questions　fluttering　on　his　lips；　and　added：

〃And　now　I　want　to　walk　in　the　garden　alone。〃

He　waved　his　hand　towards　the　trees。

〃It　is　all　for　Madame。　Monsieur　the　Count　has　always　said　so。　But
Monsieur？〃

〃He　is　in　Beni…Mora。　He　is　coming　presently　to　fetch　me。〃

Then　she　turned　away　and　walked　slowly　across　the　great　sweep　of　sand
towards　the　trees　and　was　taken　by　their　darkness。　She　heard　again　the
liquid　bubbling　of　the　hidden　waterfall；　and　was　again　companioned　by
the　mystery　of　this　desert　Paradise；　but　it　no　longer　whispered　to　her
of　peace　for　her。　It　murmured　only　its　own　personal　peace　and
accentuated　her　own　personal　agony　and　struggle。　All　that　it　had　been
it　still　was；　but　all　that　she　had　been　in　it　was　changed。　And　she
felt　the　full　terror　of　Nature's　equanimity　environing　the　fierce　and
tortured　lives　of　men。

As　she　walked　towards　the　deepest　recesses　of　the　garden　along　the
winding　tracks　between　the　rills　she　had　no　sensation　of　approaching
the　hidden　home　of　the　Geni　of　the　garden。　Yet　she　remembered　acutely
all　her　first　feelings　there。　Not　one　was　forgotten。　They　returned　to
her　like　spectres　stealing　across　the　sand。　They　lurked　like　spectres
among　the　dense　masses　of　the　trees。　She　strove　not　to　see　their　pale
shapes；　not　to　hear　their　terrible　voices。　She　strove　to　draw　calm
once　more　from　this　infinite　calm　of　silently…growing　things　aspiring
towards　the　sun。　But　with　each　step　she　took　the　torment　in　her　heart
increased。　At　last　she　came　to　the　deeper　darkness　and　the　blanched
sand；　and　saw　pine　needles　strewed　about　her　feet。　Then　she　stood
still；　instinctively　listening　for　a　sound　that　would　complete　the
magic　of　the　garden　and　her　own　despair。　She　waited　for　it。　She　even
felt；　strangely；　that　she　wanted；　that　she　needed　itthe　sound　of　the
flute　of　Larbi　playing　his　amorous　tune。　But　his　flute　to…day　was
silent。　Had　he　fallen　out　of　an　old　love　and　not　yet　found　a　new？　or
had　he；　perhaps；　gone　away？　or　was　he　dead？　For　a　long　time　she　stood
there；　thinking　about　Larbi。　He　and　his　flute　and　his　love　were
mingled　with　her　life　in　the　desert。　And　she　felt　that　she　could　not
leave　the　desert　without　bidding　them　farewell。

But　the　silence　lasted　and　she　went　on　and　came　to　the　/fumoir/。　She
went　into　it　at　once　and　sat　down。　She　was　going　to　wait　for　Androvsky
here。

Her　mind　was　straying　curiously　to…day。　Suddenly　she　found　herself
thinking　of　the　fanatical　religious　performance　she　had　seen　with　Hadj
on　the　night　when　she　had　ridden　out　to　watch　the　moon　rise。　She　saw
in　imagination　the　bowing　bodies；　the　foaming　mouths；　the　glassy　eyes
of　the　young　priests　of　the　Sahara。　She　saw　the　spikes　behind　their
eyeballs；　the　struggling　scorpions　descending　into　their　throats；　the
flaming　coals　under　their　arm…pits；　the　nails　driven　into　their　heads。
She　heard　them　growling　as　they　saw　the　glass；　like　hungry　beasts　at
the　sight　of　meat。　And　all　this　was　to　them　religion。　This　madness　was
their　conception　of　worship。　A　voice　seemed　to　whisper　to　her：　〃And
your　madness？〃

It　was　like　the　voice　that　whispered　to　Androvsky　in　the　cemetery　of
El…Largani；　〃Come　out　with　me　into　that　world；　that　beautiful　world
which　God　made　for　men。　Why　do　you　reject　it？〃

For　a　moment　she　saw　all　religions；　all　the　practices；　the
renunciations　of　the　religions　of　the　world；　as　varying　forms　of
madness。　She　compared　the　self…denial　of　the　monk　with　the　fetish
worship　of　the　savage。　And　a　wild　thrill　of　something　that　was　almost
like　joy　rushed　through　her；　the　joy　that　sometimes　comes　to　the
unbelievers　when　they　are　about　to　commit　some　act　which　they　feel
would　be　contrary　to　God's　will　if　there　were　a　God。　It　was　a　thrill
of　almost　insolent　human　emancipation。　The　soul　cried　out：　〃I　have　no
master。　When　I　thought　I　had　a　master　I　was　mad。　Now　I　am　sane。〃

But　it　passed　almost　as　it　came；　like　a　false　thing　slinking　from　the
sunlight；　and　Domini　bowed　her　head　in　the　obscurity　of　Count
Anteoni's　thinking…place　and　returned　to　her　true　self。　That　moment
had　been　like　the　moment　upon　the　tower　when　she　saw　below　her　the
Jewess　dancing　upon　the　roof　for　the　soldiers；　a　black　speck　settling
for　an　instant　upon　whiteness；　then　carried　away　by　a　purifying　wind。
She　knew　that　she　would　always　be　subject　to　such　moments　so　long　as
she　was　a　human　being；　that　there　would　always　be　in　her　blood
something　that　was　self…willed。　Otherwise；　would　she　not　be　already　in
Paradise？　She　sat　and　prayed　for　strength　in　the　battle　of　life；　that
could　never　be　anything　else　but　a　battle。

At　last　something　within　her　told　her　to　look　up；　to　look　out　through
the　window…space　into　the　garden。　She　had　not　heard　a　step；　but　she
knew　that　Androvsky　was　approaching；　and；　as　she　looked　up；　she
prepared　herself　for　a　sight　that　would　be　terrible。　She　remembered
his　face　when　he　came　to　bid　her　good…bye　in　the　garden；　and　she
feared　to　see　his　face　now。　But　she　schooled　herself　to　be　strong；　for
herself　and　for　him。

He　was　near　her　on　the　path　coming　towards　her。　As　she　saw　him　she
uttered　a　little　cry　and　stood　up。　An　immense　surprise　came　to　her；
followed　in　a　moment　by　an　immense　joythe　greatest　joy；　she　thought；
that　she　had　ever　experienced。　For　she　looked　on　a　face　in　which　she
saw　for　the　first　time　a　pale　dawning　of　peace。　There　was　sadness　in
it；　there　was　awe；　but　there　was　a　light　of　calm；　such　as　sometimes
settles　upon　the　faces　of　men　who　have　died　quietly　without　agony　or
fear。　And　she　felt　fully；　as　she　saw　it；　the　rapture　of　having　refused
cowardice　and　grasped　the　hand　of　bravery。　Directly　afterwards　there
came　to　her　a　sensation　of　wonder　that　at　this　moment　of　their　lives
she　and　Androvsky　should　be　capable　of　a　feeling　of　joy；　of　peace。
When　the　wonder　passed　it　was　as　if　she　had　seen　God　and　knew　for　ever
the　meaning　of　His　divine　compensations。

Androvsky　came　to　the　doorway　of　the　/fumoir/　without　looking　up；
stood　still　therejust　where　Count　Anteoni　had　stood　during　his　first
interview　with　Dominiand　said：

〃Domini；　I　have　been　to　the　priest。　I　have　made　my　confession。〃

〃Yes；〃　she　said。　〃Yes；　Boris！〃

He　came　into　the　/fumoir/　and　sat　down　near　her；　but　not　close　to　her；
on　one　of　the　divans。　Now　the　sad　look　in　his　face　had　deepened　and
the　peace　seemed　to　be　fading。　She　had　thought　of　the　dawnthat　pale
light　which　is　growing　into　day。　Now　she　thought　of　the　twilight　which
is　fading　into　night。　And　the　terrible　knowledge　struck　her；　〃I　am　the
troubler　of　his　peace。　Without　me　only　could　he　ever　regain　fully　the
peace　which　he　has　lost。〃

〃Domini；〃　he　said；　looking　up　at　her；　〃you　know　the　rest。　You　meant　it
to　be　as　it　will　be　when　we　left　Amara。〃

〃Was　there　any　other　way？　Was　there　any　other　possible　life　for　us
for　youfor　me？〃

〃For　you！〃　he　said；　and　there　was　a　sound　almost　of　despair　in　his
voice。　〃But　what　is　to　be　your　life？　I　have　never　protected　youyou
have　protected　me。　I　have　never　been　strong　for　youyou　have　been
strong　for　me。　But　to　leave　youall　alone；　Domini；　must　I　do　that？
Must　I　think　of　you　out　in　the　world　alone？〃

For　a　moment　she　was　tempted　to　break　her　silence；　to　tell　him　the
truth；　that　she　would　perhaps　not　be　alone；　that　another　life；　sprung
from　his　and　hers；　was　coming　to　be　with　her；　was　coming　to　share　the
great　loneliness　that　lay　before　her。　But　she　resisted　the　temptation
and　only　said：

〃Do　not　think　of　me；　Boris。〃

〃You　tell　me　not　to　think　of　you！〃　he　said　with　an　almost　fierce
wonder。　〃Do　youdo　you　wish　me　not　to　think　of　you？〃

〃What　I　wishthat　is　so　little；　butno；　Boris；　I　can't　sayI　don't
think　I　could　ever　truly　say　that　I　wish　you　to　think　no　more　of　me。
After　all；　one　has　a　heart；　and　I　think　if　it's　worth　anything　it　must
be　often　a　rebellious　heart。　I　know　mine　is　rebellious。　But　if　you
don't　think　too　much　of　mewhen　you　are　there〃

She　paused；　and　they　looked　at　each　other　for　a　moment　in　silence。
Then　she　continued：

〃Surely　it　will　be　easier　for　you；　happier　for　you。〃

Androvsky　clenched　his　right　hand　on　the　divan　and　turned　round　till
he　was　fac