the garden of allah-第51部分

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she　had　come　to　Beni…Mora；　and　something　of　her　parents'　tragedy　and
its　effect　upon　her。

〃I　wanted　to　renew　my　heart；　to　find　myself；〃　she　said。　〃My　life　has
been　cold；　careless。　I　never　lost　my　faith；　but　I　almost　forgot　that　I
had　it。　I　made　little　use　of　it。　I　let　it　rust。〃

〃Many　do　that；　but　a　time　comes　when　they　feel　that　the　great　weapon
with　which　alone　we　can　fight　the　sorrows　and　dangers　of　the　world
must　be　kept　bright；　or　it　may　fail　us　in　the　hour　of　need。〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　this　is　an　hour　of　need　for　you。　But；　indeed；　is　there　ever　an
hour　that　is　not？〃

〃I　feel　to…day；　I〃

She　stopped；　suddenly　conscious　of　the　vagueness　of　her　apprehension。
It　made　her　position　difficult；　speech　hard　for　her。　She　felt　that　she
wanted　something；　yet　scarcely　knew　what；　or　exactly　why　she　had　come。

〃I　have　been　saying　good…bye　to　Count　Anteoni；〃　she　resumed。　〃He　has
gone　on　a　desert　journey。〃

〃For　long？〃

〃I　don't　know；　but　I　feel　that　it　will　be。〃

〃He　comes　and　goes　very　suddenly。　Often　he　is　here　and　I　do　not　even
know　it。〃

〃He　is　a　strange　man；　but　I　think　he　is　a　good　man。〃

As　she　spoke　about　him　she　began　to　realise　that　something　in　him　had
roused　the　desire　in　her　to　come　to　the　priest。

〃And　he　sees　far；〃　she　added。

She　looked　steadily　at　the　priest；　who　was　waiting　quietly　to　hear
more。　She　was　glad　he　did　not　trouble　her　mind　just　then　by　trying　to
help　her　to　go　on；　to　be　explicit。

〃I　came　here　to　find　peace；〃　she　continued。　〃And　I　thought　I　had　found
it。　I　thought　so　till　to…day。〃

〃We　only　find　peace　in　one　place；　and　only　there　by　our　own　will
according　with　God's。〃

〃You　mean　within　ourselves。〃

〃Is　it　not　so？〃

〃Yes。　Then　I　was　foolish　to　travel　in　search　of　it。〃

〃I　would　not　say　that。　Place　assists　the　heart；　I　think；　and　the　way
of　life。　I　thought　so　once。〃

〃When　you　wished　to　be　a　monk？〃

A　deep　sadness　came　into　his　eyes。

〃Yes；〃　he　said。　〃And　even　now　I　find　it　very　difficult　to　say；　'It　was
not　thy　will；　and　so　it　is　not　mine。'　But　would　you　care　to　tell　me　if
anything　has　occurred　recently　to　trouble　you？〃

〃Something　has　occurred；　Father。〃

More　excitement　came　into　her　face　and　manner。

〃Do　you　think；〃　she　went　on；　〃that　it　is　right　to　try　to　avoid　what
life　seems　to　be　bringing　to　one；　to　seek　shelter　fromfrom　the
storm？　Don't　monks　do　that？　Please　forgive　me　if〃

〃Sincerity　will　not　hurt　me；〃　he　interrupted　quietly。　〃If　it　did　I
should　indeed　be　unworthy　of　my　calling。　Perhaps　it　is　not　right　for
all。　Perhaps　that　is　why　I　am　here　instead　of〃

〃Ah；　but　I　remember；　you　wanted　to　be　one　of　the　/freres　armes/。〃

〃That　was　my　first　hope。　But　you〃very　simply　he　turned　from　his
troubles　to　hers〃you　are　hesitating；　are　you　not；　between　two
courses？〃

〃I　scarcely　know。　But　I　want　you　to　tell　me。　Ought　we　not　always　to
think　of　others　more　than　of　ourselves？〃

〃So　long　as　we　take　care　not　to　put　ourselves　in　too　great　danger。　The
soul　should　be　brave；　but　not　foolhardy。〃

His　voice　had　changed；　had　become　stronger；　even　a　little　stern。

〃There　are　risks　that　no　good　Christian　ought　to　run：　it　is　not
cowardice；　it　is　wisdom　that　avoids　the　Evil　One。　I　have　known　people
who　seemed　almost　to　think　it　was　their　mission　to　convert　the　fallen
angels。　They　confused　their　powers　with　the　powers　that　belong　to　God
only。〃

〃Yes；　butit　is　so　difficult　toif　a　human　being　were　possessed　by
the　devil；　would　not　you　trywould　you　not　go　near　to　that　person？〃

〃If　I　had　prayed；　and　been　told　that　any　power　was　given　me　to　do　what
Christ　did。〃

〃To　cast　outyes；　I　know。　But　sometimes　that　power　is　giveneven　to
women。〃

〃Perhaps　especially　to　them。　I　think　the　devil　has　more　fear　of　a　good
mother　than　of　many　saints。〃

Domini　realised　almost　with　agony　in　that　moment　how　her　own　soul　had
been　stripped　of　a　precious　armour。　A　feeling　of　bitter　helplessness
took　possession　of　her；　and　of　contempt　for　what　she　now　suddenly
looked　upon　as　foolish　pride。　The　priest　saw　that　his　words　had　hurt
her；　yet　he　did　not　just　then　try　to　pour　balm　upon　the　wound。

〃You　came　to　me　to…day　as　to　a　spiritual　director；　did　you　not？〃　he
asked。

〃Yes；　Father。〃

〃Yet　you　do　not　wish　to　be　frank　with　me。　Isn't　that　true？〃

There　was　a　piercing　look　in　the　eyes　he　fixed　upon　her。

〃Yes；〃　she　answered　bravely。

〃Why？　Cannot　youat　least　will　not　you　tell　me？〃

A　similar　reason　to　that　which　had　caused　her　to　refuse　to　hear　what
the　Diviner　had　seen　in　the　sand　caused　her　now　to　answer：

〃There　is　something　I　cannot　say。　I　am　sure　I　am　right　not　to　say　it。〃

〃Do　you　wish　me　to　speak　frankly　to　you；　my　child？〃

〃Yes；　you　may。〃

〃You　have　told　me　enough　of　your　past　life　to　make　me　feel　sure　that
for　some　time　to　come　you　ought　to　be　very　careful　in　regard　to　your
faith。　By　the　mercy　of　God　you　have　been　preserved　from　the　greatest
of　all　dangersthe　danger　of　losing　your　belief　in　the　teachings　of
the　only　true　Church。　You　have　come　here　to　renew　your　faith　which；
not　killed；　has　been　stricken；　reduced；　may　I　not　say？　to　a　sort　of
invalidism。　Are　you　sure　you　are　in　a　condition　yet　to　help〃he
hesitated　obviously；　then　slowly〃others？　There　are　periods　in　which
one　cannot　do　what　one　may　be　able　to　do　in　the　far　future。　The
convalescent　who　is　just　tottering　in　the　new　attempt　to　walk　is　not
wise　enough　to　lend　an　arm　to　another。　To　do　so　may　seem　nobly
unselfish；　but　is　it　not　folly？　And　then；　my　child；　we　ought　to　be
scrupulously　aware　what　is　our　real　motive　for　wishing　to　assist
another。　Is　it　of　God；　or　is　it　of　ourselves？　Is　it　a　personal　desire
to　increase　a　perhaps　unworthy；　a　worldly　happiness？　Egoism　is　a
parent　of　many　children；　and　often　they　do　not　recognise　their
father。〃

Just　for　a　moment　Domini　felt　a　heat　of　anger　rise　within　her。　She　did
not　express　it；　and　did　not　know　that　she　had　shown　a　sign　of　it　till
she　heard　Father　Roubier　say：

〃If　you　knew　how　often　I　have　found　that　what　for　a　moment　I　believed
to　be　my　noblest　aspirations　had　sprung　from　a　tiny；　hidden　seed　of
egoism！〃

At　once　her　anger　died　away。

〃That　is　terribly　true；〃　she　said。　〃Of　us　all；　I　mean。〃

She　got　up。

〃You　are　going？〃

〃Yes。　I　want　to　think　something　out。　You　have　made　me　want　to。　I　must
do　it。　Perhaps　I'll　come　again。〃

〃Do。　I　want　to　help　you　if　I　can。〃

There　was　such　a　heartfelt　sound　in　his　voice　that　impulsively　she
held　out　her　hand。

〃I　know　you　do。　Perhaps　you　will　be　able　to。〃

But　even　as　she　said　the　last　words　doubt　crept　into　her　mind；　even
into　her　voice。

The　priest　came　to　his　gate　to　see　Domini　off；　and　directly　she　had
left　him　she　noticed　that　Androvsky　was　under　the　arcade　and　had　been
a　witness　of　their　parting。　As　she　went　past　him　and　into　the　hotel
she　saw　that　he　looked　greatly　disturbed　and　excited。　His　face　was　lit
up　by　the　now　fiery　glare　of　the　sun；　and　when；　in　passing；　she　nodded
to　him；　and　he　took　off　his　hat；　he　cast　at　her　a　glance　that　was　like
an　accusation。　As　soon　as　she　gained　the　verandah　she　heard　his　heavy
step　upon　the　stair。　For　a　moment　she　hesitated。　Should　she　go　into
her　room　and　so　avoid　him；　or　remain　and　let　him　speak　to　her？　She
knew　that　he　was　following　her　with　that　purpose。　Her　mind　was　almost
instantly　made　up。　She　crossed　the　verandah　and　sat　down　in　the　low
chair　that　was　always　placed　outside　her　French　window。　Androvsky
followed　her　and　stood　beside　her。　He　did　not　say　anything　for　a
moment；　nor　did　she。　Then　he　spoke　with　a　sort　of　passionate　attempt
to　sound　careless　and　indifferent。

〃Monsieur　Anteoni　has　gone；　I　suppose；　Madame？〃

〃Yes；　he　has　gone。　I　reached　the　garden　safely；　you　see。〃

〃Batouch　came　later。　He　was　much　ashamed　when　he　found　you　had　gone。　I
believe　he　is　afraid；　and　is　hiding　himself　till　your　anger　shall　have
passed　away。〃

She　laughed。

〃Batouch　could　not　easily　make　me　angry。　I　am　not　like　you；　Monsieur
Androvsky。〃

Her　sudden　challenge　startled　him；　as　she　had　meant　it　should。　He
moved　quickly；　as　at　an　unexpected　touch。

〃I；　Madame？〃

〃Yes；　I　think　you　are　very　often　angry。　I　think　you　are　angry　now。〃

His　face　was　flooded　with　red。

〃Why　should　I　be　angry？〃　he　stammered；　like　a　man　completely　taken
aback。

〃How　can　I　tell？　But；　as　I　came　in　just　now；　you　looked　at　me　as　if
you　wanted　to　punish　me。〃

〃II　am　afraidit　seems　that　my　face　says　a　great　deal　thatthat〃

〃Your　lips　would　not　choose　to　say。　Well；　it　does。　Why　are　you　angry
with　me？〃　She　gazed　at　him　mercilessly；　studying　the　trouble　of　his
face。　The　combative　part　of　her　nature　had　been　roused　by　the　glance
he　had　cast　at　her。　What　right　had　he；　had　any　man；　to　look　at　her
like　that？

Her　blunt　directness　lashed　him　back　into　the　firmness　he　had　lost。
She　felt　in　a　moment　that　there　was　a　fighting　capacity　in　him　equal；
perhaps　superior；　to　her　own。

〃When　I　saw　you　come　from　the　priest's　house；　Madame；　I　felt　as　if　you
had　been　there　speaking　about　meabout　my　conduct　of　yesterday。〃

〃Indeed！　Why　should　I　do　that？〃

〃I　thought　as　you　had　kindly　wished　me　to　come〃

He　stopped。

〃Well？〃　she　said；　in　rather　a　hard　voice。

〃Madame；　I　don't　know　what　I　thought；　what　I　thinkonly　I　cannot　bear
that　you　should　apologise　for　any　conduct　of　mine。　Indeed；　I　cannot
bear　it。〃

He　looked　fearfully　excited　and　moved　two　or　three　steps　away；　then
returned。

〃Were　you　doing　that？〃　he　asked。　〃Were　you；　Madame？〃

〃I　never　mentioned　your　name　to　Father　Roubier；　nor　did　he　to　me；〃　she
answered。

For　a　moment　he　looked　relieved；　then　a　sudden　suspicion　seemed　to
strike　him。

〃But　without　mentioning　my　name？〃　he　said。

〃You　wish　to　accuse　me　of　quibbling；　of　insincerity；　then！〃　she
exclaimed　with　a　heat　almost　equal　to　his　own。

〃No；　Madame；　no！　Madame；　II　have　suffered　much。　I　am　suspicious　of
everybody。　Forgive　me；　forgive　me！〃

He　spoke　almost　with　distraction。　In　his　manner　there　was　something
desperate。

〃I　am　sure　you　have　suffered；〃　she　said　more　gently；　yet　with　a
certain　inflexibility　at　which　she　herself　wondered；　yet　which　she
could　not　control。　〃You　will　always　suffer　if　you　cannot　govern
yourself。　You　will　make　people　dislike　you；　be　suspicious　of　you。〃

〃S