the garden of allah-第96部分

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mountains　and　plains；　and　that　bitterness；　like　an　acid　that　burns　and
eats　away　fine　metal；　was　once　more　at　my　heart。

〃But　the　sensation　of　loneliness　was　the　most　terrible　of　all。　I
compared　union　with　God；　such　as　I　thought　I　had　known；　with　that
other　union　spoken　of　by　my　guestunion　with　the　human　being　one
loves。　I　set　the　two　unions　as　it　were　in　comparison。　Night　after
night　I　did　this。　Night　after　night　I　told　over　the　joys　of　union　with
Godjoys　which　I　dared　to　think　I　had　knownand　the　joys　of　union
with　a　loved　human　being。　On　the　one　side　I　thought　of　the　drawing
near　to　God　in　prayer；　of　the　sensation　of　approach　that　comes　with
earnest　prayer；　of　the　feeling　that　ears　are　listening　to　you；　that
the　great　heart　is　loving　you；　the　great　heart　that　loves　all　living
things；　that　you　are　being　absolutely　understood；　that　all　you　cannot
say　is　comprehended；　and　all　you　say　is　received　as　something
precious。　I　recalled　the　joy；　the　exaltation；　that　I　had　known　when　I
prayed。　That　was　union　with　God。　In　such　union　I　had　sometimes　felt
that　the　world；　with　all　that　it　contained　of　wickedness；　suffering
and　death；　was　utterly　devoid　of　power　to　sadden　or　alarm　the　humblest
human　being　who　was　able　to　draw　near　to　God。

〃I　had　had　a　conquering　feelingnot　proudas　of　one　upborne；
protected　for　ever；　lifted　to　a　region　in　which　no　enemy　could　ever
be；　no　sadness；　no　faint　anxiety　even。

〃Then　I　strove　to　imagineand　this；　Domini；　was　surely　a　deliberate
sinexactly　what　it　must　be　to　be　united　with　a　beloved　human　being。
I　strove　and　I　was　able。　For　not　only　did　instinct　help　me；　instinct
that　had　been　long　asleep；　butI　have　told　you　that　the　stranger　was
suffering　under　an　obsession；　a　terrible　dominion。　This　dominion　he
described　to　me　with　an　openness　that　perhapsthat　indeed　I　believe
he　would　not　have　shown　had　I　not　been　a　monk。　He　looked　upon　me　as　a
being　apart；　neither　man　nor　woman；　a　being　without　sex。　I　am　sure　he
did。　And　yet　he　was　immensely　intelligent。　But　he　knew　that　I　had
entered　the　monastery　as　a　novice；　that　I　had　been　there　through　all
my　adult　life。　And　then　my　manner　probably　assisted　him　in　his
illusion。　For　I　gaveI　believeno　sign　of　the　change　that　was　taking
place　within　me　under　his　influence。　I　seemed　to　be　calm；　detached；
even　in　my　sympathy　for　his　suffering。　For　he　suffered　frightfully。
This　woman　he　loved　was　a　Parisian；　he　told　me。　He　described　her
beauty　to　me；　as　if　in　order　to　excuse　himself　for　having　become　the
slave　to　her　he　was。　I　suppose　she　was　very　beautiful。　He　said　that
she　had　a　physical　charm　so　intense　that　few　men　could　resist　it；　that
she　was　famous　throughout　Europe　for　it。　He　told　me　that　she　was　not　a
good　woman。　I　gathered　that　she　lived　for　pleasure；　admiration；　that
she　had　allowed　many　men　to　love　her　before　he　knew　her。　But　she　had
loved　him　genuinely。　She　was　not　a　very　young　woman；　and　she　was　not　a
married　woman。　He　said　that　she　was　a　woman　men　loved　but　did　not
marry；　a　woman　who　was　loved　by　the　husbands　of　married　women；　a　woman
to　marry　whom　would　exclude　a　man　from　the　society　of　good　women。　She
had　never　lived；　or　thought　of　living；　for　one　man　till　he　came　into
her　life。　Nor　had　he　ever　dreamed　of　living　for　one　woman。　He　had
lived　to　gain　experience；　she　too。　But　when　he　met　herknowing
thoroughly　all　she　wasall　other　women　ceased　to　exist　for　him。　He
became　her　slave。　Then　jealousy　awoke　in　him；　jealousy　of　all　the　men
who　had　been　in　her　life；　who　might　be　in　her　life　again。　He　was
tortured　by　loving　such　a　womana　woman　who　had　belonged　to　many；　who
would　no　doubt　in　the　future　belong　to　others。　For　despite　the　fact
that　she　loved　him　he　told　me　that　at　first　he　had　no　illusions　about
her。　He　knew　the　world　too　well　for　that；　and　he　cursed　the　fate　that
had　bound　him　body　and　soul　to　what　he　called　a　courtesan。　Even　the
fact　that　she　loved　him　at　first　did　not　blind　him　to　the　effect　upon
character　that　her　life　must　inevitably　have　had。　She　had　dwelt　in　an
atmosphere　of　lies；　he　said；　and　to　lie　was　nothing　to　her。　Any
original　refinement　of　feeling　as　regards　human　relations　that　she
might　have　had　had　become　dulled；　if　it　had　not　been　destroyed。　At
first　he　blindly；　miserably；　resigned　himself　to　this。　He　said　to
himself；　'Fate　has　led　me　to　love　this　sort　of　woman。　I　must　accept
her　as　she　is；　with　all　her　defects；　with　her　instinct　for　treachery；
with　her　passion　for　the　admiration　of　the　world；　with　her
incapability　for　being　true　to　an　ideal；　or　for　isolating　herself　in
the　adoration　of　one　man。　I　cannot　get　away　from　her。　She　has　me　fast。
I　cannot　live　without　her。　Then　I　must　bear　the　torture　that　jealousy
of　her　will　certainly　bring　me　in　silence。　I　must　conceal　it。　I　must
try　to　kill　it。　I　must　make　the　best　of　whatever　she　will　give　me；
knowing　that　she　can　never；　with　her　nature　and　her　training；　be
exclusively　mine　as　a　good　woman　might　be。'　This　he　said　to　himself。
This　plan　of　conduct　he　traced　for　himself。　But　he　soon　found　that　he
was　not　strong　enough　to　keep　to　it。　His　jealousy　was　a　devouring
fire；　and　he　could　not　conceal　it。　Domini；　he　described　to　me　minutely
the　effect　of　jealousy　in　a　human　heart。　I　had　never　imagined　what　it
was；　and；　when　he　described　it；　I　felt　as　if　I　looked　down　into　a
bottomless　pit　lined　with　the　flames　of　hell。　By　the　depth　of　that　pit
I　measured　the　depth　of　his　passion　for　this　woman；　and　I　gained　an
idea　of　what　human　lovenot　the　best　sort　of　human　love；　but　still
genuine；　intense　love　of　some　kindcould　be。　Of　this　human　love　I
thought　at　night；　putting　it　in　comparison　with　the　love　God's
creature　can　have　for　God。　And　my　sense　of　loneliness　increased；　and　I
felt　as　if　I　had　always　been　lonely。　Does　this　seem　strange　to　you？　In
the　love　of　God　was　calm；　peace；　rest；　a　lying　down　of　the　soul　in　the
Almighty　arms。　In　the　other　love　described　to　me　was　restlessness；
agitation；　torture；　the　soul　spinning　like　an　atom　driven　by　winds；
the　heart　devoured　as　by　a　disease；　a　cancer。　On　the　one　hand　was　a
beautiful　trust；　on　the　other　a　ceaseless　agony　of　doubt　and　terror。
And　yet　I　came　to　feel　as　if　the　one　were　unreal　in　comparison　with
the　other；　as　if　in　the　one　were　a　loneliness；　in　the　other　fierce
companionship。　I　thought　of　the　Almighty　arms；　Domini；　and　of　the　arms
of　a　woman；　andDomini；　I　longed　to　have　known；　if　only　once；　the
pressure　of　a　woman's　arms　about　my　neck；　about　my　breast；　the　touch
of　a　woman's　hand　upon　my　heart。

〃And　of　all　this　I　never　spoke　at　confession。　I　committed　the　deadly
sin　of　keeping　back　at　confession　all　that。〃　He　stopped。　Then　he　said；
〃Till　the　end　my　confessions　were　incomplete；　were　false。

〃The　stranger　told　me　that　as　his　love　for　this　woman　grew　he　found　it
impossible　to　follow　the　plan　he　had　traced　for　himself　of　shutting
his　eyes　to　the　sight　of　other　eyes　admiring；　desiring　her；　of
shutting　his　ears　to　the　voices　that　whispered；　'This　it　will　always
be；　for　others　as　well　as　for　you。'　He　found　it　impossible。　His
jealousy　was　too　importunate；　and　he　resolved　to　make　any　effort　to
keep　her　for　himself　alone。　He　knew　she　had　love　for　him；　but　he　knew
that　love　would　not　necessarily；　or　even　probably；　keep　her　entirely
faithful　to　him。　She　thought　too　little　of　passing　intrigues。　To　her
they　seemed　trifles；　meaningless；　unimportant。　She　told　him　so；　when
he　spoke　his　jealousy。　She　said；　'I　love　you。　I　do　not　love　these
other　men。　They　are　in　my　life　for　a　moment　only。'

〃'And　that　moment　plunges　me　into　hell！'　he　said。

〃He　told　her　he　could　not　bear　it；　that　it　was　impossible；　that　she
must　belong　to　him　entirely　and　solely。　He　asked　her　to　marry　him。　She
was　surprised；　touched。　She　understood　what　a　sacrifice　such　a
marriage　would　be　to　a　man　in　his　position。　He　was　a　man　of　good
birth。　His　request；　his　vehement　insistence　on　it；　made　her　understand
his　love　as　she　had　not　understood　it　before。　Yet　she　hesitated。　For
so　long　had　she　been　accustomed　to　a　life　of　freedom；　of　changing
/amours/；　that　she　hesitated　to　put　her　neck　under　the　yoke　of
matrimony。　She　understood　thoroughly　his　character　and　his　aim　in
marrying　her。　She　knew　that　as　his　wife　she　must　bid　an　eternal
farewell　to　the　life　she　had　known。　And　it　was　a　life　that　had　become
a　habit　to　her；　a　life　that　she　was　fond　of。　For　she　was　enormously
vain；　and　she　was　ashe　was　a　very　physical　woman；　subject　to
physical　caprices。　There　are　things　that　I　pass　over；　Domini；　which
would　explain　still　more　her　hesitation。　He　knew　what　caused　it；　and
again　he　was　tortured。　But　he　persisted。　And　at　last　he　overcame。　She
consented　to　marry　him。　They　were　engaged。　Domini；　I　need　not　tell　you
much　more；　only　this　factwhich　had　driven　him　from　France；　destroyed
his　happiness；　brought　him　to　the　monastery。　Shortly　before　the
marriage　was　to　take　place　he　discovered　that；　while　they　were
engaged；　she　had　yielded　to　the　desires　of　an　old　admirer　who　had　come
to　bid　her　farewell　and　to　wish　her　joy　in　her　new　life。　He　was
tempted；　he　said；　to　kill　her。　But　he　governed　himself　and　left　her。
He　travelled。　He　came　to　Tunis。　He　came　to　La　Trappe。　He　saw　the　peace
there。　He　thought；　'Can　I　seize　it？　Can　it　do　something　for　me？'　He
saw　me。　He　thought；　'I　shall　not　be　quite　alone。　This　monkhe　has
lived　always　in　peace；　he　has　never　known　the　torture　of　women。　Might
not　intercourse　with　him　help　me？'

〃Such　was　his　history；　such　was　the　history　poured；　with　infinite
detail　that　I　have　not　told　you；　day　by　day；　into　my　ears。　It　was　the
history；　you　see；　of　a　passion　that　was　mainly　physical。　I　will　not
say　entirely。　I　do　not　know　whether　any　great　passion　can　be　entirely
physical。　But　it　was　the　history　of　the　passion　of　one　body　for
another　body；　and　he　did　not　attempt　to　present　it　to　me　as　anything
else。　This　man　made　me　understand　the　meaning　of　the　body。　I　had　never
understood　it　before。　I　had　never　suspected　the　immensity　of　the
meaning　there　is　in　physical　things。　I　had　never　comprehended　the
flesh。　Now　I　comprehended　it。　Loneliness　rushed　upon　me；　devoured　me
loneliness　of　the　body。　'God　is　a　spirit　and　those　that　worship　him
must　worship　him　in　spirit。'　Now　I　felt　that　to　worshi