camille-第15部分

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〃You　love；　then；　a　little？〃

〃I　don't　know　how　it　is；　but　it　seems　to　me　as　if　I　do！　Now；　go；　I　can't　keep　my　eyes　open。〃

I　held　her　in　my　arms　for　a　few　seconds　and　then　went。

The　streets　were　empty；　the　great　city　was　still　asleep；　a　sweet　freshness　circulated　in　the　streets　that　a　few　hours　later　would　be　filled　with　the　noise　of　men。　It　seemed　to　me　as　if　this　sleeping　city　belonged　to　me；　I　searched　my　memory　for　the　names　of　those　whose　happiness　I　had　once　envied；　and　I　could　not　recall　one　without　finding　myself　the　happier。

To　be　loved　by　a　pure　young　girl；　to　be　the　first　to　reveal　to　her　the　strange　mystery　of　love；　is　indeed　a　great　happiness；　but　it　is　the　simplest　thing　in　the　world。　To　take　captive　a　heart　which　has　had　no　experience　of　attack；　is　to　enter　an　unfortified　and　ungarrisoned　city。　Education；　family　feeling；　the　sense　of　duty；　the　family；　are　strong　sentinels；　but　there　are　no　sentinels　so　vigilant　as　not　to　be　deceived　by　a　girl　of　sixteen　to　whom　nature；　by　the　voice　of　the　man　she　loves；　gives　the　first　counsels　of　love；　all　the　more　ardent　because　they　seem　so　pure。

The　more　a　girl　believes　in　goodness；　the　more　easily　will　she　give　way；　if　not　to　her　lover；　at　least　to　love；　for　being　without　mistrust　she　is　without　force；　and　to　win　her　love　is　a　triumph　that　can　be　gained　by　any　young　man　of　five…and…twenty。　See　how　young　girls　are　watched　and　guarded！　The　walls　of　convents　are　not　high　enough；　mothers　have　no　locks　strong　enough；　religion　has　no　duties　constant　enough；　to　shut　these　charming　birds　in　their　cages；　cages　not　even　strewn　with　flowers。　Then　how　surely　must　they　desire　the　world　which　is　hidden　from　them；　how　surely　must　they　find　it　tempting；　how　surely　must　they　listen　to　the　first　voice　which　comes　to　tell　its　secrets　through　their　bars；　and　bless　the　hand　which　is　the　first　to　raise　a　corner　of　the　mysterious　veil！

But　to　be　really　loved　by　a　courtesan：　that　is　a　victory　of　infinitely　greater　difficulty。　With　them　the　body　has　worn　out　the　soul；　the　senses　have　burned　up　the　heart；　dissipation　has　blunted　the　feelings。　They　have　long　known　the　words　that　we　say　to　them；　the　means　we　use；　they　have　sold　the　love　that　they　inspire。　They　love　by　profession；　and　not　by　instinct。　They　are　guarded　better　by　their　calculations　than　a　virgin　by　her　mother　and　her　convent；　and　they　have　invented　the　word　caprice　for　that　unbartered　love　which　they　allow　themselves　from　time　to　time；　for　a　rest；　for　an　excuse；　for　a　consolation；　like　usurers；　who　cheat　a　thousand；　and　think　they　have　bought　their　own　redemption　by　once　lending　a　sovereign　to　a　poor　devil　who　is　dying　of　hunger　without　asking　for　interest　or　a　receipt。

Then；　when　God　allows　love　to　a　courtesan；　that　love；　which　at　first　seems　like　a　pardon；　becomes　for　her　almost　without　penitence。　When　a　creature　who　has　all　her　past　to　reproach　herself　with　is　taken　all　at　once　by　a　profound；　sincere；　irresistible　love；　of　which　she　had　never　felt　herself　capable；　when　she　has　confessed　her　love；　how　absolutely　the　man　whom　she　loves　dominates　her！　How　strong　he　feels　with　his　cruel　right　to　say：　You　do　no　more　for　love　than　you　have　done　for　money。　They　know　not　what　proof　to　give。　A　child；　says　the　fable；　having　often　amused　himself　by　crying　〃Help！　a　wolf！〃　in　order　to　disturb　the　labourers　in　the　field；　was　one　day　devoured　by　a　Wolf；　because　those　whom　he　had　so　often　deceived　no　longer　believed　in　his　cries　for　help。　It　is　the　same　with　these　unhappy　women　when　they　love　seriously。　They　have　lied　so　often　that　no　one　will　believe　them；　and　in　the　midst　of　their　remorse　they　are　devoured　by　their　love。

Hence　those　great　devotions；　those　austere　retreats　from　the　world；　of　which　some　of　them　have　given　an　example。

But　when　the　man　who　inspires　this　redeeming　love　is　great　enough　in　soul　to　receive　it　without　remembering　the　past；　when　he　gives　himself　up　to　it；　when；　in　short；　he　loves　as　he　is　loved；　this　man　drains　at　one　draught　all　earthly　emotions；　and　after　such　a　love　his　heart　will　be　closed　to　every　other。

I　did　not　make　these　reflections　on　the　morning　when　I　returned　home。　They　could　but　have　been　the　presentiment　of　what　was　to　happen　to　me；　and；　despite　my　love　for　Marguerite；　I　did　not　foresee　such　consequences。　I　make　these　reflections　to…day。　Now　that　all　is　irrevocably　ended；　they　a　rise　naturally　out　of　what　has　taken　place。

But　to　return　to　the　first　day　of　my　liaison。　When　I　reached　home　I　was　in　a　state　of　mad　gaiety。　As　I　thought　of　how　the　barriers　which　my　imagination　had　placed　between　Marguerite　and　myself　had　disappeared；　of　how　she　was　now　mine；　of　the　place　I　now　had　in　her　thoughts；　of　the　key　to　her　room　which　I　had　in　my　pocket；　and　of　my　right　to　use　this　key；　I　was　satisfied　with　life；　proud　of　myself；　and　I　loved　God　because　he　had　let　such　things　be。

One　day　a　young　man　is　passing　in　the　street；　he　brushes　against　a　woman；　looks　at　her；　turns；　goes　on　his　way。　He　does　not　know　the　woman；　and　she　has　pleasures；　griefs；　loves；　in　which　he　has　no　part。　He　does　not　exist　for　her；　and　perhaps；　if　he　spoke　to　her；　she　would　only　laugh　at　him；　as　Marguerite　had　laughed　at　me。　Weeks；　months；　years　pass；　and　all　at　once；　when　they　have　each　followed　their　fate　along　a　different　path；　the　logic　of　chance　brings　them　face　to　face。　The　woman　becomes　the　man's　mistress　and　loves　him。　How？　why？　Their　two　existences　are　henceforth　one；　they　have　scarcely　begun　to　know　one　another　when　it　seems　as　if　they　had　known　one　another　always；　and　all　that　had　gone　before　is　wiped　out　from　the　memory　of　the　two　lovers。　It　is　curious；　one　must　admit。

As　for　me；　I　no　longer　remembered　how　I　had　lived　before　that　night。　My　whole　being　was　exalted　into　joy　at　the　memory　of　the　words　we　had　exchanged　during　that　first　night。　Either　Marguerite　was　very　clever　in　deception；　or　she　had　conceived　for　me　one　of　those　sudden　passions　which　are　revealed　in　the　first　kiss；　and　which　die；　often　enough；　as　suddenly　as　they　were　born。

The　more　I　reflected　the　more　I　said　to　myself　that　Marguerite　had　no　reason　for　feigning　a　love　which　she　did　not　feel；　and　I　said　to　myself　also　that　women　have　two　ways　of　loving；　one　of　which　may　arise　from　the　other：　they　love　with　the　heart　or　with　the　senses。　Often　a　woman　takes　a　lover　in　obedience　to　the　mere　will　of　the　senses；　and　learns　without　expecting　it　the　mystery　of　immaterial　love；　and　lives　henceforth　only　through　her　heart；　often　a　girl　who　has　sought　in　marriage　only　the　union　of　two　pure　affections　receives　the　sudden　revelation　of　physical　love；　that　energetic　conclusion　of　the　purest　impressions　of　the　soul。

In　the　midst　of　these　thoughts　I　fell　asleep；　I　was　awakened　by　a　letter　from　Marguerite　containing　these　words：

〃Here　are　my　orders：　To…night　at　the　Vaudeville。

〃Come　during　the　third　entr'acte。〃

I　put　the　letter　into　a　drawer；　so　that　I　might　always　have　it　at　band　in　case　I　doubted　its　reality；　as　I　did　from　time　to　time。

She　did　not　tell　me　to　come　to　see　her　during　the　day；　and　I　dared　not　go；　but　I　had　so　great　a　desire　to　see　her　before　the　evening　that　I　went　to　the　Champs…Elysees；　where　I　again　saw　her　pass　and　repass；　as　I　had　on　the　previous　day。

At　seven　o'clock　I　was　at　the　Vaudeville。　Never　had　I　gone　to　a　theatre　so　early。　The　boxes　filled　one　after　another。　Only　one　remained　empty；　the　stage　box。　At　the　beginning　of　the　third　act　I　heard　the　door　of　the　box；　on　which　my　eyes　had　been　almost　constantly　fixed；　open；　and　Marguerite　appeared。　She　came　to　the　front　at　once；　looked　around　the　stalls；　saw　me；　and　thanked　me　with　a　look。

That　night　she　was　marvellously　beautiful。　Was　I　the　cause　of　this　coquetry？　Did　she　love　me　enough　to　believe　that　the　more　beautiful　she　looked　the　happier　I　should　be？　I　did　not　know；　but　if　that　had　been　her　intention　she　certainly　succeeded；　for　when　she　appeared　all　heads　turned；　and　the　actor　who　was　then　on　the　stage　looked　to　see　who　had　produced　such　an　effect　on　the　audience　by　her　mere　presence　there。

And　I　had　the　key　of　this　woman's　room；　and　in　three　or　four　hours　she　would　again　be　mine！

People　blame　those　who　let　themselves　be　ruined　by　actresses　and　kept　women；　what　astonishes　me　is　that　twenty　times　greater　follies　are　not　committed　for　them。　One　must　have　lived　that　life；　as　I　have；　to　know　how　much　the　little　vanities　which　they　afford　their　lovers　every　day　help　to　fasten　deeper　into　the　heart；　since　we　have　no　other　word　for　it；　the　love　which　he　has　for　them。

Prudence　next　took　her　place　in　the　box；　and　a　man；　whom　I　recognised　as　the　Comte　de　G。；　seated　himself　at　the　back。　As　I　saw　him；　a　cold　shiver　went　through　my　heart。

Doubtless　Marguerite　perceived　the　impression　made　on　me　by　the　presence　of　this　man；　for　she　smiled　to　me　again；　and；　turning　her　back　to　the　count；　appeared　to　be　very　attentive　to　the　play。　At　the　third　entr'acte　she　turned　and　said　two　words：　the　count　left　the　box；　and　Marguerite　beckoned　to　me　to　come　to　her。

〃Good…evening；〃　she　said　as　I　entered；　holding　out　her　hand。

〃Good…evening；〃　I　replied　to　both　Marguerite　and　Prudence。

〃Sit　down。〃

〃But　I　am　taking　some　one's　place。　Isn't　the　Comte　de　G。　coming　back？〃

〃Yes；　I　sent　him　to　fetch　some　sweets；　so　that　we　could　talk　by　ourselves　for　a　moment。　Mme。　Duvernoy　is　in　the　secret。〃

〃Yes；　my　children；〃　said　she；　〃have　no　fear。　I　shall　say　nothing。〃

〃What　is　the　matter　with　you　to…night？〃　said　Marguerite；　rising　and　coming　to　the　back　of　the　box　and　kissing　me　on　the　forehead。

〃I　am　not　very　well。〃

〃You　should　go　to　bed；〃　she　replied；　with　that　ironical　air　which　went　so　well　with　her　delicate　and　witty　face。

〃Where？〃

〃At　home。〃

〃You　know　that　I　shouldn't　be　able　to　sleep　there。〃

〃Well；　then；　it　won't　do　for　you　to　come　and　be　pettish　here　because　you　have　seen　a　man　in　my　box。〃

〃It　is　not　for　that　reason。〃

〃Yes；　it　is。　I　know；　and　you　are　wrong；　so　let　us　say　no　more　about　it。　You　will　go　back　with　Prudence　after　the　theatre；　and　you　will　stay　there　till　I　call。　Do　you　understand？〃

〃Yes。〃

How　could　I　disobey？

〃You　still　love　me？〃

〃Can　you　ask？〃

〃You　have　thought　of　me？〃

〃All　day　long。〃

〃Do　you　know　that　I　am　really　afrai