camille-第20部分

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…esteem；　last　in　their　esteem。　We　have　women　who　call　themselves　our　friends；　but　they　are　friends　like　Prudence；　women　who　were　once　kept　and　who　have　still　the　costly　tastes　that　their　age　does　not　allow　them　to　gratify。　Then　they　become　our　friends；　or　rather　our　guests　at　table。　Their　friendship　is　carried　to　the　point　of　servility；　never　to　that　of　disinterestedness。　Never　do　they　give　you　advice　which　is　not　lucrative。　It　means　little　enough　to　them　that　we　should　have　ten　lovers　extra；　as　long　as　they　get　dresses　or　a　bracelet　out　of　them；　and　that　they　can　drive　in　our　carriage　from　time　to　time　or　come　to　our　box　at　the　theatre。　They　have　our　last　night's　bouquets；　and　they　borrow　our　shawls。　They　never　render　us　a　service；　however　slight；　without　seeing　that　they　are　paid　twice　its　value。　You　yourself　saw　when　Prudence　brought　me　the　six　thousand　francs　that　I　had　asked　her　to　get　from　the　duke；　how　she　borrowed　five　hundred　francs；　which　she　will　never　pay　me　back；　or　which　she　will　pay　me　in　hats；　which　will　never　be　taken　out　of　their　boxes。

〃We　can　not；　then；　have；　or　rather　I　can　not　have　more　than　one　possible　kind　of　happiness；　and　this　is；　sad　as　I　sometimes　am；　suffering　as　I　always　am；　to　find　a　man　superior　enough　not　to　ask　questions　about　my　life；　and　to　be　the　lover　of　my　impressions　rather　than　of　my　body。　Such　a　man　I　found　in　the　duke；　but　the　duke　is　old；　and　old　age　neither　protects　nor　consoles。　I　thought　I　could　accept　the　life　which　he　offered　me；　but　what　would　you　have？　I　was　dying　of　ennui；　and　if　one　is　bound　to　be　consumed；　it　is　as　well　to　throw　oneself　into　the　flames　as　to　be　asphyxiated　with　charcoal。

〃Then　I　met　you；　young；　ardent；　happy；　and　I　tried　to　make　you　the　man　I　had　longed　for　in　my　noisy　solitude。　What　I　loved　in　you　was　not　the　man　who　was；　but　the　man　who　was　going　to　be。　You　do　not　accept　the　position；　you　reject　it　as　unworthy　of　you；　you　are　an　ordinary　lover。　Do　like　the　others；　pay　me；　and　say　no　more　about　it。〃

Marguerite；　tired　out　with　this　long　confession；　threw　herself　back　on　the　sofa；　and　to　stifle　a　slight　cough　put　up　her　handkerchief　to　her　lips；　and　from　that　to　her　eyes。

〃Pardon；　pardon；〃　I　murmured。　〃I　understood　it　all；　but　I　wanted　to　have　it　from　your　own　lips；　my　beloved　Marguerite。　Forget　the　rest　and　remember　only　one　thing：　that　we　belong　to　one　another；　that　we　are　young；　and　that　we　love。　Marguerite；　do　with　me　as　you　will；　I　am　your　slave；　your　dog；　but　in　the　name　of　heaven　tear　up　the　letter　which　I　wrote　to　you　and　do　not　make　me　leave　you　to…morrow；　it　would　kill　me。〃

Marguerite　drew　the　letter　from　her　bosom；　and　handing　it　to　me　with　a　smile　of　infinite　sweetness；　said：

〃Here　it　is。　I　have　brought　it　back。〃

I　tore　the　letter　into　fragments　and　kissed　with　tears　the　hand　that　gave　it　to　me。

At　this　moment　Prudence　reappeared。

〃Look　here；　Prudence；　do　you　know　what　he　wants？〃　said　Marguerite。

〃He　wants　you　to　forgive　him。〃

〃Precisely。〃

〃And　you　do？〃

〃One　has　to；　but　he　wants　more　than　that。〃

〃What；　then？〃

〃He　wants　to　have　supper　with　us。〃

〃And　do　you　consent？〃

〃What　do　you　think？〃

〃I　think　that　you　are　two　children　who　haven't　an　atom　of　sense　between　you；　but　I　also　think　that　I　am　very　hungry；　and　that　the　sooner　you　consent　the　sooner　we　shall　have　supper。〃

〃Come；〃　said　Marguerite；　〃there　is　room　for　the　three　of　us　in　my　carriage。〃

〃By　the　way；〃　she　added；　turning　to　me；　〃Nanine　will　be　gone　to　bed。　You　must　open　the　door；　take　my　key；　and　try　not　to　lose　it　again。〃

I　embraced　Marguerite　until　she　was　almost　stifled。

Thereupon　Joseph　entered。

〃Sir；〃　he　said；　with　the　air　of　a　man　who　is　very　well　satisfied　with　himself；　〃the　luggage　is　packed。〃

〃All　of　it？〃

〃Yes；　sir。〃

〃Well；　then；　unpack　it　again；　I　am　not　going。〃



Chapter　16

I　might　have　told　you　of　the　beginning　of　this　liaison　in　a　few　lines；　but　I　wanted　you　to　see　every　step　by　which　we　came；　I　to　agree　to　whatever　Marguerite　wished；　Marguerite　to　be　unable　to　live　apart　from　me。

It　was　the　day　after　the　evening　when　she　came　to　see　me　that　I　sent　her　Manon　Lescaut。

From　that　time；　seeing　that　I　could　not　change　my　mistress's　life；　I　changed　my　own。　I　wished　above　all　not　to　leave　myself　time　to　think　over　the　position　I　had　accepted；　for；　in　spite　of　myself；　it　was　a　great　distress　to　me。　Thus　my　life；　generally　so　calm；　assumed　all　at　once　an　appearance　of　noise　and　disorder。　Never　believe；　however　disinterested　the　love　of　a　kept　woman　may　be；　that　it　will　cost　one　nothing。　Nothing　is　so　expensive　as　their　caprices；　flowers；　boxes　at　the　theatre；　suppers；　days　in　the　country；　which　one　can　never　refuse　to　one's　mistress。

As　I　have　told　you；　I　had　little　money。　My　father　was；　and　still　is；　receveur　general　at　C。　He　has　a　great　reputation　there　for　loyalty；　thanks　to　which　he　was　able　to　find　the　security　which　he　needed　in　order　to　attain　this　position。

It　is　worth　forty　thousand　francs　a　year；　and　during　the　ten　years　that　he　has　had　it；　he　has　paid　off　the　security　and　put　aside　a　dowry　for　my　sister。　My　father　is　the　most　honourable　man　in　the　world。　When　my　mother　died；　she　left　six　thousand　francs　a　year；　which　he　divided　between　my　sister　and　myself　on　the　very　day　when　he　received　his　appointment；　then；　when　I　was　twenty…one；　he　added　to　this　little　income　an　annual　allowance　of　five　thousand　francs；　assuring　me　that　with　eight　thousand　francs　a　year　I　might　live　very　happily　at　Paris；　if；　in　addition　to　this；　I　would　make　a　position　for　myself　either　in　law　or　medicine。　I　came　to　Paris；　studied　law；　was　called　to　the　bar；　and；　like　many　other　young　men；　put　my　diploma　in　my　pocket；　and　let　myself　drift；　as　one　so　easily　does　in　Paris。

My　expenses　were　very　moderate；　only　I　used　up　my　year's　income　in　eight　months；　and　spent　the　four　summer　months　with　my　father；　which　practically　gave　me　twelve　thousand　francs　a　year；　and；　in　addition；　the　reputation　of　a　good　son。　For　the　rest；　not　a　penny　of　debt。

This；　then；　was　my　position　when　I　made　the　acquaintance　of　Marguerite。　You　can　well　understand　that；　in　spite　of　myself；　my　expenses　soon　increased。　Marguerite's　nature　was　very　capricious；　and；　like　so　many　women；　she　never　regarded　as　a　serious　expense　those　thousand　and　one　distractions　which　made　up　her　life。　So；　wishing　to　spend　as　much　time　with　me　as　possible；　she　would　write　to　me　in　the　morning　that　she　would　dine　with　me；　not　at　home；　but　at　some　restaurant　in　Paris　or　in　the　country。　I　would　call　for　her；　and　we　would　dine　and　go　on　to　the　theatre；　often　having　supper　as　well；　and　by　the　end　of　the　evening　I　had　spent　four　or　five　louis；　which　came　to　two　or　three　thousand　francs　a　month；　which　reduced　my　year　to　three　months　and　a　half；　and　made　it　necessary　for　me　either　to　go　into　debt　or　to　leave　Marguerite。　I　would　have　consented　to　anything　except　the　latter。

Forgive　me　if　I　give　you　all　these　details；　but　you　will　see　that　they　were　the　cause　of　what　was　to　follow。　What　I　tell　you　is　a　true　and　simple　story；　and　I　leave　to　it　all　the　naivete　of　its　details　and　all　the　simplicity　of　its　developments。

I　realized　then　that　as　nothing　in　the　world　would　make　me　forget　my　mistress；　it　was　needful　for　me　to　find　some　way　of　meeting　the　expenses　into　which　she　drew　me。　Then；　too；　my　love　for　her　had　so　disturbing　an　influence　upon　me　that　every　moment　I　spent　away　from　Marguerite　was　like　a　year；　and　that　I　felt　the　need　of　consuming　these　moments　in　the　fire　of　some　sort　of　passion；　and　of　living　them　so　swiftly　as　not　to　know　that　I　was　living　them。

I　began　by　borrowing　five　or　six　thousand　francs　on　my　little　capital；　and　with　this　I　took　to　gambling。　Since　gambling　houses　were　destroyed　gambling　goes　on　everywhere。　Formerly；　when　one　went　to　Frascati；　one　had　the　chance　of　making　a　fortune；　one　played　against　money；　and　if　one　lost；　there　was　always　the　consolation　of　saying　that　one　might　have　gained；　whereas　now；　except　in　the　clubs；　where　there　is　still　a　certain　rigour　in　regard　to　payments；　one　is　almost　certain；　the　moment　one　gains　a　considerable　sum；　not　to　receive　it。　You　will　readily　understand　why。　Gambling　is　only　likely　to　be　carried　on　by　young　people　very　much　in　need　of　money　and　not　possessing　the　fortune　necessary　for　supporting　the　life　they　lead；　they　gamble；　then；　and　with　this　result；　or　else　they　gain；　and　then　those　who　lose　serve　to　pay　for　their　horses　and　mistresses；　which　is　very　disagreeable。　Debts　are　contracted；　acquaintances　begun　about　a　green　table　end　by　quarrels　in　which　life　or　honour　comes　to　grief；　and　though　one　may　be　an　honest　man；　one　finds　oneself　ruined　by　very　honest　men；　whose　only　defect　is　that　they　have　not　two　hundred　thousand　francs　a　year。

I　need　not　tell　you　of　those　who　cheat　at　play；　and　of　how　one　hears　one　fine　day　of　their　hasty　disappearance　and　tardy　condemnation。

I　flung　myself　into　this　rapid；　noisy；　and　volcanic　life；　which　had　formerly　terrified　me　when　I　thought　of　it；　and　which。　had　become　for　me　the　necessary　complement　of　my　love　for　Marguerite。　What　else　could　I　have　done？

The　nights　that　I　did　not　spend　in　the　Rue　d'Antin；　if　I　had　spent　them　alone　in　my　own　room；　I　could　not　have　slept。　Jealousy　would　have　kept　me　awake；　and　inflamed　my　blood　and　my　thoughts；　while　gambling　gave　a　new　turn　to　the　fever　which　would　otherwise　have　preyed　upon　my　heart；　and　fixed　it　upon　a　passion　which　laid　hold　on　me　in　spite　of　myself；　until　the　hour　struck　when　I　might　go　to　my　mistress。　Then；　and　by　this　I　knew　the　violence　of　my　love；　I　left　the　table　without　a　moment's　hesitation；　whether　I　was　winning　or　losing；　pitying　those　whom　I　left　behind　because　they　would　not；　like　me；　find　their　real　happiness　in　leaving　it。　For　the　most　of　them；　gambling　was　a　necessity；　for　me；　it　was　a　remedy。　Free　of　Marguerite；　I　should　have　been　free　of　gambling。

Thus；　in　the　midst　of　all　that；　I　preserved　a　considerable　amount　of　self…possession；　I　lost　only　what　I　was　able　to　pay；　and　gained　only　what　I　should　have　been　able　to　lose。

For　the　rest；　chance　was　on　my　side。　I　made　no　debts；　and　I　spent　three　times　as　much　money　as　when　I　did　not　gamble。　It　was　impossible　to　resist　an　existence　which　gave　me　an