camille-第33部分

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Chapter　26

What　followed　that　fatal　night　you　know　as　well　as　I；　but　what　you　can　not　know；　what　you　can　not　suspect；　is　what　I　have　suffered　since　our　separation。

I　heard　that　your　father　had　taken　you　away　with　him；　but　I　felt　sure　that　you　could　not　live　away　from　me　for　long；　and　when　I　met　you　in　the　Champs…Elysees；　I　was　a　little　upset；　but　by　no　means　surprised。

Then　began　that　series　of　days；　each　of　them　brought　me　a　fresh　insult　from　you。　I　received　them　all　with　a　kind　of　joy；　for；　besides　proving　to　me　that　you　still　loved　me；　it　seemed　to　me　as　if　the　more　you　persecuted　me　the　more　I　should　be　raised　in　your　eyes　when　you　came　to　know　the　truth。

Do　not　wonder　at　my　joy　in　martyrdom；　Armand；　your　love　for　me　had　opened　my　heart　to　noble　enthusiasm。

Still；　I　was　not　so　strong　as　that　quite　at　once。

Between　the　time　of　the　sacrifice　made　for　you　and　the　time　of　your　return　a　long　while　elapsed；　during　which　I　was　obliged　to　have　recourse　to　physical　means　in　order　not　to　go　mad；　and　in　order　to　be　blinded　and　deafened　in　the　whirl　of　life　into　which　I　flung　myself。　Prudence　has　told　you　（has　she　not？）　how　I　went　to　all　the　fetes　and　balls　and　orgies。　I　had　a　sort　of　hope　that　I　should　kill　myself　by　all　these　excesses；　and　I　think　it　will　not　be　long　before　this　hope　is　realized。　My　health　naturally　got　worse　and　worse；　and　when　I　sent　Mme。　Duvernoy　to　ask　you　for　pity　I　was　utterly　worn　out；　body　and　soul。

I　will　not　remind　you；　Armand；　of　the　return　you　made　for　the　last　proof　of　love　that　I　gave　you；　and　of　the　outrage　by　which　you　drove　away　a　dying　woman；　who　could　not　resist　your　voice　when　you　asked　her　for　a　night　of　love；　and　who；　like　a　fool；　thought　for　one　instant　that　she　might　again　unite　the　past　with　the　present。　You　had　the　right　to　do　what　you　did；　Armand；　people　have　not　always　put　so　high　a　price　on　a　night　of　mine！

I　left　everything　after　that。　Olympe　has　taken　my　place　with　the　Comte　de　N。；　and　has　told　him；　I　hear；　the　reasons　for　my　leaving　him。　The　Comte　de　G。　was　at　London。　He　is　one　of　those　men　who　give　just　enough　importance　to　making　love　to　women　like　me　for　it　to　be　an　agreeable　pastime；　and　who　are　thus　able　to　remain　friends　with　women；　not　hating　them　because　they　have　never　been　jealous　of　them；　and　he　is；　too；　one　of　those　grand　seigneurs　who　open　only　a　part　of　their　hearts　to　us；　but　the　whole　of　their　purses。　It　was　of　him　that　I　immediately　thought。　I　joined　him　in　London。　He　received　me　as　kindly　as　possible；　but　he　was　the　lover　there　of　a　woman　in　society；　and　he　feared　to　compromise　himself　if　he　were　seen　with　me。　He　introduced　me　to　his　friends；　who　gave　a　supper　in　my　honour；　after　which　one　of　them　took　me　home　with　him。

What　else　was　there　for　me　to　do；　my　friend？　If　I　had　killed　myself　it　would　have　burdened　your　life；　which　ought　to　be　happy；　with　a　needless　remorse；　and　then；　what　is　the　good　of　killing　oneself　when　one　is　so　near　dying　already？

I　became　a　body　without　a　soul；　a　thing　without　a　thought；　I　lived　for　some　time　in　that　automatic　way；　then　I　returned　to　Paris；　and　asked　after　you；　I　heard　then　that　you　were　gone　on　a　long　voyage。　There　was　nothing　left　to　hold　me　to　life。　My　existence　became　what　it　had　been　two　years　before　I　knew　you。　I　tried　to　win　back　the　duke；　but　I　had　offended　him　too　deeply。　Old　men　are　not　patient；　no　doubt　because　they　realize　that　they　are　not　eternal。　I　got　weaker　every　day。　I　was　pale　and　sad　and　thinner　than　ever。　Men　who　buy　love　examine　the　goods　before　taking　them。　At　Paris　there　were　women　in　better　health；　and　not　so　thin　as　I　was；　I　was　rather　forgotten。　That　is　all　the　past　up　to　yesterday。

Now　I　am　seriously　ill。　I　have　written　to　the　duke　to　ask　him　for　money；　for　I　have　none；　and　the　creditors　have　returned；　and　come　to　me　with　their　bills　with　pitiless　perseverance。　Will　the　duke　answer？　Why　are　you　not　in　Paris；　Armand？　You　would　come　and　see　me；　and　your　visits　would　do　me　good。

December　20。

The　weather　is　horrible；　it　is　snowing；　and　I　am　alone。　I　have　been　in　such　a　fever　for　the　last　three　days　that　I　could　not　write　you　a　word。　No　news；　my　friend；　every　day　I　hope　vaguely　for　a　letter　from　you；　but　it　does　not　come；　and　no　doubt　it　will　never　come。　Only　men　are　strong　enough　not　to　forgive。　The　duke　has　not　answered。

Prudence　is　pawning　my　things　again。

I　have　been　spitting　blood　all　the　time。　Oh；　you　would　be　sorry　for　me　if　you　could　see　me。　You　are　indeed　happy　to　be　under　a　warm　sky；　and　not；　like　me；　with　a　whole　winter　of　ice　on　your　chest。　To…day　I　got　up　for　a　little　while；　and　looked　out　through　the　curtains　of　my　window；　and　watched　the　life　of　Paris　passing　below；　the　life　with　which　I　have　now　nothing　more　to　do。　I　saw　the　faces　of　some　people　I　knew；　passing　rapidly；　joyous　and　careless。　Not　one　lifted　his　eyes　to　my　window。　However；　a　few　young　men　have　come　to　inquire　for　me。　Once　before　I　was　ill；　and　you；　though　you　did　not　know　me；　though　you　had　had　nothing　from　me　but　an　impertinence　the　day　I　met　you　first；　you　came　to　inquire　after　me　every　day。　We　spent　six　months　together。　I　had　all　the　love　for　you　that　a　woman's　heart　can　hold　and　give；　and　you　are　far　away；　you　are　cursing　me；　and　there　is　not　a　word　of　consolation　from　you。　But　it　is　only　chance　that　has　made　you　leave　me；　I　am　sure；　for　if　you　were　at　Paris；　you　would　not　leave　my　bedside。

December　25。

My　doctor　tells　me　I　must　not　write　every　day。　And　indeed　my　memories　only　increase　my　fever；　but　yesterday　I　received　a　letter　which　did　me　good；　more　because　of　what　it　said　than　by　the　material　help　which　it　contained。　I　can　write　to　you；　then；　to…day。　This　letter　is　from　your　father；　and　this　is　what　it　says：

〃MADAME：　I　have　just　learned　that　you　are　ill。　If　I　were　at　Paris　I　would　come　and　ask　after　you　myself；　if　my　son　were　here　I　would　send　him；　but　I　can　not　leave　C。；　and　Armand　is　six　or　seven　hundred　leagues　from　here；　permit　me；　then；　simply　to　write　to　you；　madame；　to　tell　you　how　pained　I　am　to　hear　of　your　illness；　and　believe　in　my　sincere　wishes　for　your　speedy　recovery。

One　of　my　good　friends；　M。　H。；　will　call　on　you；　will　you　kindly　receive　him？　I　have　intrusted　him　with　a　commission；　the　result　of　which　I　await　impatiently。　〃Believe　me；　madame；

　　　　〃Yours　most　faithfully。〃

This　is　the　letter　he　sent　me。　Your　father　has　a　noble　heart；　love　him　well；　my　friend；　for　there　are　few　men　so　worthy　of　being　loved。　This　paper　signed　by　his　name　has　done　me　more　good　than　all　the　prescriptions　of　our　great　doctor。

This　morning　M。　H。　called。　He　seemed　much　embarrassed　by　the　delicate　mission　which　M。　Duval　had　intrusted　to　him。　As　a　matter　of　fact；　he　came　to　bring　me　three　thousand　francs　from　your　father。　I　wanted　to　refuse　at　first；　but　M。　H。　told　me　that　my　refusal　would　annoy　M。　Duval；　who　had　authorized　him　to　give　me　this　sum　now；　and　later　on　whatever　I　might　need。　I　accepted　it；　for；　coming　from　your　father；　it　could　not　be　exactly　taking　alms。　If　I　am　dead　when　you　come　back；　show　your　father　what　I　have　written　for　him；　and　tell　him　that　in　writing　these　lines　the　poor　woman　to　whom　he　was　kind　enough　to　write　so　consoling　a　letter　wept　tears　of　gratitude　and　prayed　God　for　him。

January　4。

I　have　passed　some　terrible　days。　I　never　knew　the　body　could　suffer　so。　Oh；　my　past　life！　I　pay　double　for　it　now。

There　has　been　some　one　to　watch　by　me　every　night；　I　can　not　breathe。　What　remains　of　my　poor　existence　is　shared　between　being　delirious　and　coughing。

The　dining…room　is　full　of　sweets　and　all　sorts　of　presents　that　my　friends　have　brought。　Some　of　them；　I　dare　say；　are　hoping　that　I　shall　be　their　mistress　later　on。　If　they　could　see　what　sickness　has　made　of　me；　they　would　go　away　in　terror。

Prudence　is　giving　her　New　Year's　presents　with　those　I　have　received。

There　is　a　thaw；　and　the　doctor　says　that　I　may　go　out　in　a　few　days　if　the　fine　weather　continues。

January　8。

I　went　out　yesterday　in　my　carriage。　The　weather　was　lovely。　The　Champs…Elysees　was　full　of　people。　It　was　like　the　first　smile　of　spring。　Everything　about　me　had　a　festal　air。　I　never　knew　before　that　a　ray　of　sunshine　could　contain　so　much　joy；　sweetness；　and　consolation。

I　met　almost　all　the　people　I　knew；　all　happy；　all　absorbed　in　their　pleasures。　How　many　happy　people　don't　even　know　that　they　are　happy！　Olympe　passed　me　in　an　elegant　carriage　that　M。　de　N。　has　given　her。　She　tried　to　insult　me　by　her　look。　She　little　knows　how　far　I　am　from　such　things　now。　A　nice　fellow；　whom　I　have　known　for　a　long　time；　asked　me　if　I　would　have　supper　with　him　and　one　of　his　friends；　who；　he　said；　was　very　anxious　to　make　my　acquaintance。　I　smiled　sadly　and　gave　him　my　hand；　burning　with　fever。　I　never　saw　such　an　astonished　countenance。

I　came　in　at　four；　and　had　quite　an　appetite　for　my　dinner。　Going　out　has　done　me　good。　If　I　were　only　going　to　get　well！　How　the　sight　of　the　life　and　happiness　of　others　gives　a　desire　of　life　to　those　who；　only　the　night　before；　in　the　solitude　of　their　soul　and　in　the　shadow　of　their　sick…room；　only　wanted　to　die　soon！

January　10。

The　hope　of　getting　better　was　only　a　dream。　I　am　back　in　bed　again；　covered　with　plasters　which　burn　me。　If　I　were　to　offer　the　body　that　people　paid　so　dear　for　once；　how　much　would　they　give；　I　wonder；　to…day？

We　must　have　done　something　very　wicked　before　we　were　born；　or　else　we　must　be　going　to　be　very　happy　indeed　when　we　are　dead；　for　God　to　let　this　life　have　all　the　tortures　of　expiation　and　all　the　sorrows　of　an　ordeal。

January　12。

I　am　always　ill。

The　Comte　de　N。　sent　me　some　money　yesterday。　I　did　not　keep　it。　I　won't　take　anything　from　that　man。　It　is　through　him　that　you　are　not　here。

Oh；　that　good　time　at　Bougival！　Where　is　it　now？

If　I　come　out　of　this　room　alive　I　will　make　a　pilgrimage　to　the　house　we　lived　in　together；　but　I　will　never　leave　it　until　I　am　dead。

Who　knows　if　I　shall　write　to　you　to…morrow？

January　25。

I　have　not　slept　for　eleven　nights。　I　am　suffocated。　I　imagine　every　moment　that　I　am　going　to　die。　The　doctor　has　forbidden　me　to　touch　a　pen。　Julie　Duprat；　who　is　looking　after　me；　lets　me　write　these　few　lines　to　you。　Will　you　no