youth-第1部分

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Youth



by　Leo　Tolstoy


Translated　by　C。　J。　Hogarth









I



WHAT　I　CONSIDER　TO　HAVE　BEEN　THE　BEGINNING　OF　MY　YOUTH



I　have　said　that　my　friendship　with　Dimitri　opened　up　for　me　a

new　view　of　my　life　and　of　its　aim　and　relations。　The　essence　of

that　view　lay　in　the　conviction　that　the　destiny　of　man　is　to

strive　for　moral　improvement；　and　that　such　improvement　is　at

once　easy；　possible；　and　lasting。　Hitherto；　however；　I　had　found

pleasure　only　in　the　new　ideas　which　I　discovered　to　arise　from

that　conviction；　and　in　the　forming　of　brilliant　plans　for　a

moral；　active　future；　while　all　the　time　my　life　had　been

continuing　along　its　old　petty；　muddled；　pleasure…seeking　course；

and　the　same　virtuous　thoughts　which　I　and　my　adored　friend

Dimitri　（〃my　own　marvellous　Mitia；〃　as　I　used　to　call　him　to

myself　in　a　whisper）　had　been　wont　to　exchange　with　one　another

still　pleased　my　intellect；　but　left　my　sensibility　untouched。

Nevertheless　there　came　a　moment　when　those　thoughts　swept　into

my　head　with　a　sudden　freshness　and　force　of　moral　revelation

which　left　me　aghast　at　the　amount　of　time　which　I　had　been

wasting；　and　made　me　feel　as　though　I　must　at　oncethat　very

secondapply　those　thoughts　to　life；　with　the　firm　intention　of

never　again　changing　them。



It　is　from　that　moment　that　I　date　the　beginning　of　my　youth。



I　was　then　nearly　sixteen。　Tutors　still　attended　to　give　me

lessons；　St。　Jerome　still　acted　as　general　supervisor　of　my

education；　and；　willy…nilly；　I　was　being　prepared　for　the

University。　In　addition　to　my　studies；　my　occupations　included

certain　vague　dreamings　and　ponderings；　a　number　of　gymnastic

exercises　to　make　myself　the　finest　athlete　in　the　world；　a　good

deal　of　aimless；　thoughtless　wandering　through　the　rooms　of　the

house　（but　more　especially　along　the　maidservants'　corridor）；　and

much　looking　at　myself　in　the　mirror。　From　the　latter；　however；　I

always　turned　away　with　a　vague　feeling　of　depression；　almost　of

repulsion。　Not　only　did　I　feel　sure　that　my　exterior　was　ugly；

but　I　could　derive　no　comfort　from　any　of　the　usual　consolations

under　such　circumstances。　I　could　not　say；　for　instance；　that　I

had　at　least　an　expressive；　clever；　or　refined　face；　for　there

was　nothing　whatever　expressive　about　it。　Its　features　were　of

the　most　humdrum；　dull；　and　unbecoming　type；　with　small　grey　eyes

which　seemed　to　me；　whenever　I　regarded　them　in　the　mirror；　to　be

stupid　rather　than　clever。　Of　manly　bearing　I　possessed　even

less；　since；　although　I　was　not　exactly　small　of　stature；　and

had；　moreover；　plenty　of　strength　for　my　years；　every　feature　in

my　face　was　of　the　meek；　sleepy…looking；　indefinite　type。　Even

refinement　was　lacking　in　it；　since；　on　the　contrary；　it

precisely　resembled　that　of　a　simple…looking　moujik；　while　I　also

had　the　same　big　hands　and　feet　as　he。　At　the　time；　all　this

seemed　to　me　very　shameful。



II



SPRINGTIME



Easter　of　the　year　when　I　entered　the　University　fell　late　in

April；　so　that　the　examinations　were　fixed　for　St。　Thomas's　Week；

＇Easter　week。＇　and　I　had　to　spend　Good　Friday　in　fasting　and

finally　getting　myself　ready　for　the　ordeal。



Following　upon　wet　snow　（the　kind　of　stuff　which　Karl　Ivanitch

used　to　describe　as　〃a　child　following；　its　father〃）；　the　weather

had　for　three　days　been　bright　and　mild　and　still。　Not　a　clot　of

snow　was　now　to　be　seen　in　the　streets；　and　the　dirty　slush　had

given　place　to　wet；　shining　pavements　and　coursing　rivulets。　The

last　icicles　on　the　roofs　were　fast　melting　in　the　sunshine；　buds

were　swelling　on　the　trees　in　the　little　garden；　the　path　leading

across　the　courtyard　to　the　stables　was　soft　instead　of　being　a

frozen　ridge　of　mud；　and　mossy　grass　was　showing　green　between

the　stones　around　the　entrance…steps。　It　was　just　that　particular

time　in　spring　when　the　season　exercises　the　strongest　influence

upon　the　human　soulwhen　clear　sunlight　illuminates　everything；

yet　sheds　no　warmth；　when　rivulets　run　trickling　under　one's

feet；　when　the　air　is　charged　with　an　odorous　freshness；　and　when

the　bright　blue　sky　is　streaked　with　long；　transparent　clouds。



For　some　reason　or　another　the　influence　of　this　early　stage　in

the　birth　of　spring　always　seems　to　me　more　perceptible　and　more

impressive　in　a　great　town　than　in　the　country。　One　sees　less；

but　one　feels　more。　I　was　standing　near　the　windowthrough　the

double　frames　of　which　the　morning　sun　was　throwing　its　mote…

flecked　beams　upon　the　floor　of　what　seemed　to　me　my　intolerably

wearisome　schoolroomand　working　out　a　long　algebraical　equation

on　the　blackboard。　In　one　hand　I　was　holding　a　ragged；　long…

suffering　〃Algebra〃　and　in　the　other　a　small　piece　of　chalk

which　had　already　besmeared　my　hands；　my　face；　and　the　elbows　of

my　jacket。　Nicola；　clad　in　an　apron；　and　with　his　sleeves　rolled

up；　was　picking　out　the　putty　from　the　window…frames　with　a　pair

of　nippers；　and　unfastening　the　screws。　The　window　looked　out

upon　the　little　garden。　At　length　his　occupation　and　the　noise

which　he　was　making　over　it　arrested　my　attention。　At　the　moment

I　was　in　a　very　cross；　dissatisfied　frame　of　mind；　for　nothing

seemed　to　be　going　right　with　me。　I　had　made　a　mistake　at　the

very　beginning　of　my　algebra；　and　so　should　have　to　work　it　out

again；　twice　I　had　let　the　chalk　drop。　I　was　conscious　that　my

hands　and　face　were　whitened　all　over；　the　sponge　had　rolled　away

into　a　corner；　and　the　noise　of　Nicola's　operations　was　fast

getting　on　my　nerves。　I　had　a　feeling　as　though　I　wanted　to　fly

into　a　temper　and　grumble　at　some　one；　so　I　threw　down　chalk　and

〃Algebra〃　alike；　and　began　to　pace　the　room。　Then　suddenly　I

remembered　that　to…day　we　were　to　go　to　confession；　and　that

therefore　I　must　refrain　from　doing　anything　wrong。　Next；　with

equal　suddenness　I　relapsed　into　an　extraordinarily　goodhumoured

frame　of　mind；　and　walked　across　to　Nicola。



〃Let　me　help　you；　Nicola；〃　I　said；　trying　to　speak　as　pleasantly

as　I　possibly　could。　The　idea　that　I　was　performing　a　meritorious

action　in　thus　suppressing　my　ill…temper　and　offering　to　help　him

increased　my　good…humour　all　the　more。



By　this　time　the　putty　had　been　chipped　out；　and　the　screws

removed；　yet；　though　Nicola　pulled　with　might　and　main　at　the

cross…piece；　the　window…frame　refused　to　budge。



〃If　it　comes　out　as　soon　as　he　and　I　begin　to　pull　at　it

together；〃　I　thought；　〃it　will　be　rather　a　shame；　as　then　I　shall

have　nothing　more　of　the　kind　to　do　to…day。〃



Suddenly　the　frame　yielded　a　little　at　one　side；　and　came　out。



〃Where　shall　I　put　it？〃　I　said。



〃Let　ME　see　to　it；　if　you　please；〃　replied　Nicola；　evidently

surprised　as　well　as；　seemingly；　not　over…pleased　at　my　zeal。

〃We　must　not　leave　it　here；　but　carry　it　away　to　the　lumber…room；

where　I　keep　all　the　frames　stored　and　numbered。〃



〃Oh；　but　I　can　manage　it；〃　I　said　as　I　lifted　it　up。　I　verily

believe　that　if　the　lumber…room　had　been　a　couple　of　versts　away；

and　the　frame　twice　as　heavy　as　it　was；　I　should　have　been　the

more　pleased。　I　felt　as　though　I　wanted　to　tire　myself　out　in

performing　this　service　for　Nicola。　When　I　returned　to　the　room

the　bricks　and　screws　had　been　replaced　on　the　windowsill；　and

Nicola　was　sweeping　the　debris；　as　well　as　a　few　torpid　flies；

out　of　the　open　window。　The　fresh；　fragrant　air　was　rushing　into

and　filling　all　the　room；　while　with　it　came　also　the　dull　murmur

of　the　city　and　the　twittering　of　sparrows　in　the　garden。

Everything　was　in　brilliant　light；　the　room　looked　cheerful；　and

a　gentle　spring　breeze　was　stirring　Nicola's　hair　and　the　leaves

of　my　〃Algebra。〃　Approaching　the　window；　I　sat　down　upon　the

sill；　turned　my　eyes　downwards　towards　the　garden；　and　fell　into

a　brown　study。



Something　new　to　me；　something　extraordinarily　potent　and

unfamiliar；　had　suddenly　invaded　my　soul。　The　wet　ground　on

which；　here　and　there；　a　few　yellowish　stalks　and　blades　of

bright…green　grass　were　to　be　seen；　the　little　rivulets

glittering　in　the　sunshine；　and　sweeping　clods　of　earth　and　tiny

chips　of　wood　along　with　them；　the　reddish　twigs　of　the　lilac；

with　their　swelling　buds；　which　nodded　just　beneath　the　window；

the　fussy　twitterings　of　birds　as　they　fluttered　in　the　bush

below；　the　blackened　fence　shining　wet　from　the　snow　which　had

lately　melted　off　it；　and；　most　of　all；　the　raw；　odorous　air　and

radiant　sunlightall　spoke　to　me；　clearly　and　unmistakably；　of

something　new　and　beautiful；　of　something　which；　though　I　cannot

repeat　it　here　as　it　was　then　expressed　to　me；　I　will　try　to

reproduce　so　far　as　I　understood　it。　Everything　spoke　to　me　of

beauty；　happiness；　and　virtueas　three　things　which　were　both

easy　and　possible　for　meand　said　that　no　one　of　them　could

exist　without　the　other　two；　since　beauty；　happiness；　and　virtue

were　one。　〃How　did　I　never　come　to　understand　that　before？〃　I

cried　to　myself。　〃How　did　I　ever　manage　to　be　so　wicked？　Oh；　but

how　good；　how　happy；　I　could　benay；　I　WILL　bein　the　future！

At　once；　at　onceyes；　this　very　minuteI　will　become　another

being；　and　begin　to　live　differently！〃　For　all　that；　I　continued

sitting　on　the　window…sill；　continued　merely　dreaming；　and　doing

nothing。　Have　you　ever；　on　a　summer's　day；　gone　to　bed　in　dull；

rainy　weather；　and；　waking　just　at　sunset；　opened　your　eyes　and

seen　through　the　square　space　of　the　windowthe　space　where　the

linen　blind　is　blowing　up　and　down；　and　beating　its　rod　upon　the

window…sillthe　rain…soaked；　shadowy；　purple　vista　of　an　avenue

of　lime…trees；　with　a　damp　garden　path　lit　up　by　the　clear；

slanting　beams　of　the　sun；　and　then　suddenly　heard　the　joyous

sounds　of　bird　life　in　the　garden；　and　seen　insects　flying　to　and

fro　at　the　open　window；　and　glittering　in　the　sunlight；　and　smelt

the　fragrance　of　the　rain…washed　air；　and　thought　to　yourself；

〃Am　I　not　ashamed　to　be　lying　in　bed　on　such　an