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his　breast。　So　long　did　he　pray　that　Vasika　had　time　to　bring　a

mattress　and　spread　it；　under　my　whispered　directions；　on　the

floor。　Indeed；　I　had　undressed　and　laid　myself　down　upon　the

mattress　before　Dimitri　had　finished。　As　I　contemplated　his

slightly　rounded　back　and　the　soles　of　his　feet　（which　somehow

seemed　to　stick　out　in　my　direction　in　a　sort　of　repentant

fashion　whenever　he　made　his　obeisances）；　I　felt　that　I　liked　him

more　than　ever；　and　debated　within　myself　whether　or　not　I　should

tell　him　all　I　had　been　fancying　concerning　our　respective

sisters。　When　he　had　finished　his　prayers；　he　lay　down　upon　the

bed　near　me；　and；　propping　himself　upon　his　elbow；　looked　at　me

in　silence；　with　a　kindly；　yet　abashed；　expression。　Evidently　he

found　it　difficult　to　do　this；　yet　meant　thus　to　punish　himself。

Then　I　smiled　and　returned　his　gaze；　and　he　smiled　back　at　me。



〃Why　do　you　not　tell　me　that　my　conduct　has　been　abominable？〃　he

said。　〃You　have　been　thinking　so；　have　you　not？〃



〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　and　although　it　was　something　quite　different

which　had　been　in　my　mind；　it　now　seemed　to　me　that　that　was　what

I　had　been　thinking。　〃Yes；　it　was　not　right　of　you；　nor　should　I

have　expected　it　of　you。〃　It　pleased　me　particularly　at　that

moment　to　call　him　by　the　familiar　second　person　singular。　〃But

how　are　your　teeth　now？〃　I　added。



〃Oh；　much　better。　Nicolinka；　my　friend；〃　he　went　on；　and　so

feelingly　that　it　sounded　as　though　tears　were　standing　in　his

eyes；　〃I　know　and　feel　that　I　am　bad；　but　God　sees　how　I　try　to

be　better；　and　how　I　entreat　Him　to　make　me　so。　Yet　what　am　I　to

do　with　such　an　unfortunate；　horrible　nature　as　mine？　What　am　I

to　do　with　it？　I　try　to　keep　myself　in　hand　and　to　rule　myself；

but　suddenly　it　becomes　impossible　for　me　to　do　soat　all　events；

impossible　for　me　to　do　so　unaided。　I　need　the　help　and　support

of　some　one。　Now；　there　is　Lubov　Sergievna；　SHE　understands　me；

and　could　help　me　in　this；　and　I　know　by　my　notebook　that　I　have

greatly　improved　in　this　respect　during　the　past　year。　Ah；　my

dear　Nicolinka〃he　spoke　with　the　most　unusual　and　unwonted

tenderness；　and　in　a　tone　which　had　grown　calmer　now　that　he　had

made　his　confession〃　how　much　the　influence　of　a　woman　like

Lubov　could　do　for　me！　Think　how　good　it　would　be　for　me　if　I

could　have　a　friend　like　her　to　live　with　when　I　have　become

independent！　With　her　I　should　be　another　man。〃



And　upon　that　Dimitri　began　to　unfold　to　me　his　plans　for

marriage；　for　a　life　in　the　country；　and　for　continual　self…

discipline。



〃Yes；　I　will　live　in　the　country；〃　he　said；　〃and　you　shall　come

to　see　me　when　you　have　married　Sonetchka。　Our　children　shall

play　together。　All　this　may　seem　to　you　stupid　and　ridiculous；

yet　it　may　very　well　come　to　pass。〃



〃Yes；　it　very　well　may　〃　I　replied　with　a　smile；　yet　thinking　how

much　nicer　it　would　be　if　I　married　his　sister。



〃I　tell　you　what；〃　he　went　on　presently；　〃you　only　imagine

yourself　to　be　in　love　with　Sonetchka；　whereas　I　can　see　that　it

is　all　rubbish；　and　that　you　do　not　really　know　what　love　means。〃



I　did　not　protest；　for；　in　truth；　I　almost　agreed　with　him；　and

for　a　while　we　lay　without　speaking。



〃Probably　you　have　noticed　that　I　have　been　in　my　old　bad　humour

today；　and　have　had　a　nasty　quarrel　with　Varia？〃　he　resumed。　〃I

felt　bad　about　it　afterwardsmore　particularly　since　it　occurred

in　your　presence。　Although　she　thinks　wrongly　on　some　subjects；

she　is　a　splendid　girl　and　very　good；　as　you　will　soon

recognise。〃



His　quick　transition　from　mention　of　my　love　affairs　to　praise　of

his　sister　pleased　me　extremely；　and　made　me　blush；　but　I

nevertheless　said　nothing　more　about　his　sister；　and　we　went　on

talking　of　other　things。



Thus　we　chattered　until　the　cocks　had　crowed　twice。　In　fact；　the

pale　dawn　was　already　looking　in　at　the　window　when　at　last

Dimitri　lay　down　upon　his　bed　and　put　out　the　candle。



〃Well；　now　for　sleep；〃　he　said。



〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　〃　but〃



〃But　what？〃



〃Now　nice　it　is　to　be　alive　in　the　daylight！〃



〃Yes；　it　IS　a　splendid　thing！　〃　he　replied　in　a　voice　which；　even

in　the　darkness；　enabled　me　to　see　the　expression　of　his

cheerful；　kindly　eyes　and　boyish　smile。



XXVIII



IN　THE　COUNTRY



Next　day　Woloda　and　myself　departed　in　a　post…chaise　for　the

country。　Turning　over　various　Moscow　recollections　in　my　head　as

we　drove　along；　I　suddenly　recalled　Sonetchka　Valakhinthough

not　until　evening；　and　when　we　had　already　covered　five　stages　of

the　road。　〃It　is　a　strange　thing；〃　I　thought；　〃that　I　should　be

in　love；　and　yet　have　forgotten　all　about　it。　I　must　start　and

think　about　her；〃　and　straightway　I　proceeded　to　do　so；　but　only

in　the　way　that　one　thinks　when　travellingthat　is　to　say；

disconnectedly；　though　vividly。　Thus　I　brought　myself　to　such　a

condition　that；　for　the　first　two　days　after　our　arrival　home；　I

somehow　considered　it　incumbent　upon　me　always　to　appear　sad　and

moody　in　the　presence　of　the　household；　and　especially　before

Katenka；　whom　I　looked　upon　as　a　great　connoisseur　in　matters　of

this　kind；　and　to　whom　I　threw　out　a　hint　of　the　condition　in

which　my　heart　was　situated。　Yet；　for　all　my　attempts　at

dissimulation　and　assiduous　adoption　of　such　signs　of　love

sickness　as　I　had　occasionally　observed　in　other　people；　I　only

succeeded　for　two　days　（and　that　at　intervals；　and　mostly　towards

evening）　in　reminding　myself　of　the　fact　that　I　was　in　love；　and

finally；　when　I　had　settled　down　into　the　new　rut　of　country　life

and　pursuits；　I　forgot　about　my　affection　for　Sonetchka

altogether。



We　arrived　at　Petrovskoe　in　the　night　time；　and　I　was　then　so

soundly　asleep　that　I　saw　nothing　of　the　house　as　we　approached

it；　nor　yet　of　the　avenue　of　birch　trees；　nor　yet　of　the

householdall　of　whom　had　long　ago　betaken　themselves　to　bed　and

to　slumber。　Only　old　hunchbacked　Fokabare…footed；　clad　in　some

sort　of　a　woman's　wadded　nightdress；　and　carrying　a　candlestick

opened　the　door　to　us。　As　soon　as　he　saw　who　we　were；　he　trembled

all　over　with　joy；　kissed　us　on　the　shoulders；　hurriedly　put　on

his　felt　slippers；　and　started　to　dress　himself　properly。　I

passed　in　a　semi…waking　condition　through　the　porch　and　up　the

steps；　but　in　the　hall　the　lock　of　the　door；　the　bars　and　bolts；

the　crooked　boards　of　the　flooring；　the　chest；　the　ancient

candelabrum　（splashed　all　over　with　grease　as　of　old）；　the

shadows　thrown　by　the　crooked；　chill；　recently…lighted　stump　of

candle；　the　perennially　dusty；　unopened　window　behind　which　I

remembered　sorrel　to　have　grownall　was　so　familiar；　so　full　of

memories；　so　intimate　of　aspect；　so；　as　it　were；　knit　together　by

a　single　idea；　that　I　suddenly　became　conscious　of　a　tenderness

for　this　quiet　old　house。　Involuntarily　I　asked　myself；　〃How　have

we；　the　house　and　I；　managed　to　remain　apart　so　long？〃　and；

hurrying　from　spot　to　spot；　ran　to　see　if　all　the　other　rooms

were　still　the　same。　Yes；　everything　was　unchanged；　except　that

everything　had　become　smaller　and　lower；　and　I　myself　taller；

heavier；　and　more　filled　out。　Yet；　even　as　I　was；　the　old　house

received　me　back　into　its　arms；　and　aroused　in　me　with　every

board；　every　window；　every　step　of　the　stairs；　and　every　sound

the　shadows　of　forms；　feelings；　and　events　of　the　happy　but

irrevocable　past。　When　we　entered　our　old　night　nursery；　all　my

childish　fears　lurked　once　more　in　the　darkness　of　the　corners

and　doorway。　When　we　passed　into　the　drawing…room；　I　could　feel

the　old　calm　motherly　love　diffusing　itself　from　every　object　in

the　apartment。　In　the　breakfast…room；　the　noisy；　careless

merriment　of　childhood　seemed　merely　to　be　waiting　to　wake　to

life　again。　In　the　divannaia　（whither　Foka　first　conducted　us；

and　where　he　had　prepared　our　beds）　everythingmirror；　screen；

old　wooden　ikon；　the　lumps　on　the　walls　covered　with　white　paper

seemed　to　speak　of　suffering　and　of　death　and　of　what　would　never

come　back　to　us　again。



We　got　into　bed；　and　Foka；　bidding　us　good…night；　retired。



〃It　was　in　this　room　that　Mamma　died；　was　it　not？〃　said　Woloda。



I　made　no　reply；　but　pretended　to　be　asleep。　If　I　had　said

anything　I　should　have　burst　into　tears。　On　awaking　next　morning；

I　beheld　Papa　sitting　on　Woloda's　bed　in　his　dressing　gown　and

slippers　and　smoking　a　cigar。　Leaping　up　with　a　merry　hoist　of

the　shoulders；　he　came　over　to　me；　slapped　me　on　the　back　with

his　great　hand；　and　presented　me　his　cheek　to　press　my　lips　to。



〃Well　done；　DIPLOMAT！〃　he　said　in　his　most　kindly　jesting　tone　as

he　looked　at　me　with　his　small　bright　eyes。　〃Woloda　tells　me　you

have　passed　the　examinations　well　for　a　youngster；　and　that　is　a

splendid　thing。　Unless　you　start　and　play　the　fool；　I　shall　have

another　fine　little　fellow　in　you。　Thanks；　my　dear　boy。　Well；　we

will　have　a　grand　time　of　it　here　now；　and　in　the　winter；

perhaps；　we　shall　move　to　St。　Petersburg。　I　only　wish　the　hunting

was　not　over　yet；　or　I　could　have　given　you　some　amusement　in

THAT　way。　Can　you　shoot；　Woldemar？　However；　whether　there　is　any

game　or　not；　I　will　take　you　out　some　day。　Next　winter；　if　God

pleases；　we　will　move　to　St。　Petersburg；　and　you　shall　meet

people；　and　make　friends；　for　you　are　now　my　two　young　grown…ups。

I　have　been　telling　Woldemar　that　you　are　just　starting　on　your

careers；　whereas　my　day　is　ended。　You　are　old　enough　now　to　walk

by　yourselves；　but；　whenever　you　wish　to　confide　in　me；　pray　do

so；　for　I　am　no　longer　your　nurse；　but　your　friend。　At　least；　I

will　be　your　friend　and　comrade　and　adviser　as　much　as　I　can　and

more　than　that　I　cannot　do。　How　does　that　fall　in　with　your

philosophy；　eh；　Koko？　Well　or　ill；　eh？〃



Of　course　I　said　that　it　fell　in　with　it　entirely；　and；　indeed；　I

really　thought　so。　That　morning　Papa　had　a　particularly　winning；

bright；　and　happy　expression　on　his　face；　and　these　new　relations