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apprehension　view　objects　in　an　identically　ludicrous；　beautiful；

or　repellent　light；　and　in　order　to　facilitate　such　identical

apprehension　between　members　of　the　same　social　circle　or　family；

they　usually　establish　a　language；　turns　of　speech；　or　terms　to

define　such　shades　of　apprehension　as　exist　for　them　alone。　In

our　particular　family　such　apprehension　was　common　to　Papa；

Woloda；　and　myself；　and　was　developed　to　the　highest　pitch；

Dubkoff　also　approximated　to　our　coterie　in　apprehension；　but

Dimitri；　though　infinitely　more　intellectual　than　Dubkoff；　was

grosser　in　this　respect。　With　no　one；　however；　did　I　bring　this

faculty　to　such　a　point　as　with　Woloda；　who　had　grown　up　with　me

under　identical　conditions。　Papa　stood　a　long　way　from　us；　and

much　that　was　to　us　as　clear　as　〃two　and　two　make　four〃　was　to

him　incomprehensible。　For　instance；　I　and　Woloda　managed　to

establish　between　ourselves　the　following　terms；　with　meanings　to

correspond。　Izium　＇Raisins。＇　meant　a　desire　to　boast　of　one's

money；　shishka　＇Bump　or　swelling。＇　（on　pronouncing　which　one　had

to　join　one's　fingers　together；　and　to　put　a　particular　emphasis

upon　the　two　sh's　in　the　word）　meant　anything　fresh；　healthy；　and

comely；　but　not　elegant；　a　substantive　used　in　the　plural　meant

an　undue　partiality　for　the　object　which　it　denoted；　and　so

forth；　and　so　forth。　At　the　same　time；　the　meaning　depended

considerably　upon　the　expression　of　the　face　and　the　context　of

the　conversation；　so　that；　no　matter　what　new　expression　one　of

us　might　invent　to　define　a　shade　of　feeling　the　other　could

immediately　understand　it　by　a　hint　alone。　The　girls　did　not

share　this　faculty　of　apprehension；　and　herein　lay　the　chief

cause　of　our　moral　estrangement；　and　of　the　contempt　which　we

felt　for　them。



It　may　be　that　they　too　had　their　〃apprehension；〃　but　it　so

little　ran　with　ours　that；　where　we　already　perceived　the

〃phrasing；〃　they　still　saw　only　the　feelingour　irony　was　for

them　truth；　and　so　on。　At　that　time　I　had　not　yet　learnt　to

understand　that　they　were　in　no　way　to　blame　for　this；　and　that

absence　of　such　apprehension　in　no　way　prevented　them　from　being

good　and　clever　girls。　Accordingly　I　looked　down　upon　them。

Moreover；　having　once　lit　upon　my　precious　idea　of　〃frankness；〃

and　being　bent　upon　applying　it　to　the　full　in　myself；　I　thought

the　quiet；　confiding　nature　of　Lubotshka　guilty　of　secretiveness

and　dissimulation　simply　because　she　saw　no　necessity　for　digging

up　and　examining　all　her　thoughts　and　instincts。　For　instance；

the　fact　that　she　always　signed　the　sign　of　the　cross　over　Papa

before　going　to　bed；　that　she　and　Katenka　invariably　wept　in

church　when　attending　requiem　masses　for　Mamma；　and　that　Katenka

sighed　and　rolled　her　eyes　about　when　playing　the　pianoall

these　things　seemed　to　me　sheer　make…believe；　and　I　asked　myself：

〃At　what　period　did　they　learn　to　pretend　like　grown…up　people；

and　how　can　they　bring　themselves　to　do　it？〃



XXX



HOW　I　EMPLOYED　MY　TIME



Nevertheless；　the　fact　that　that　summer　I　developed　a　passion　for

music　caused　me　to　become　better　friends　with　the　ladies　of　our

household　than　I　had　been　for　years。　In　the　spring；　a　young　fellow

came　to　see　us；　armed　with　a　letter　of　introduction；　who；　as　soon

as　ever　he　entered　the　drawing…room；　fixed　his　eyes　upon　the

piano；　and　kept　gradually　edging　his　chair　closer　to　it　as　he

talked　to　Mimi　and　Katenka。　After　discoursing　awhile　of　the

weather　and　the　amenities　of　country　life；　he　skilfully　directed

the　conversation　to　piano…tuners；　music；　and　pianos　generally；

and　ended　by　saying　that　he　himself　playedand　in　truth　he　did

sit　down　and　perform　three　waltzes；　with　Mimi；　Lubotshka；　and

Katenka　grouped　about　the　instrument；　and　watching　him　as　he　did

so。　He　never　came　to　see　us　again；　but　his　playing；　and　his

attitude　when　at　the　piano；　and　the　way　in　which　he　kept　shaking

his　long　hair；　and；　most　of　all；　the　manner　in　which　he　was　able

to　execute　octaves　with　his　left　hand　as　he　first　of　all　played

them　rapidly　with　his　thumb　and　little　finger；　and　then　slowly

closed　those　members；　and　then　played　the　octaves　afresh；　made　a

great　impression　upon　me。　This　graceful　gesture　of　his；　together

with　his　easy　pose　and　his　shaking　of　hair　and　successful　winning

of　the　ladies'　applause　by　his　talent；　ended　by　firing　me　to　take

up　the　piano。　Convinced　that　I　possessed　both　talent　and　a

passion　for　music；　I　set　myself　to　learn；　and；　in　doing　so；　acted

just　as　millions　of　the　malestill　more；　of　the　femalesex　have

done　who　try　to　teach　themselves　without　a　skilled　instructor；

without　any　real　turn　for　the　art；　or　without　the　smallest

understanding　either　of　what　the　art　can　give　or　of　what　ought　to

be　done　to　obtain　that　gift。　For　me　music　（or　rather；　piano…

playing）　was　simply　a　means　of　winning　the　ladies'　good　graces

through　their　sensibility。　With　the　help　of　Katenka　I　first

learnt　the　notes　（incidentally　breaking　several　of　them　with　my

clumsy　fingers）；　and　thenthat　is　to　say；　after　two　months　of

hard　work；　supplemented　by　ceaseless　twiddling　of　my　rebellious

fingers　on　my　knees　after　luncheon；　and　on　the　pillow　when　in

bedwent　on　to　〃pieces；〃　which　I　played　（so　Katenka　assured　me）

with　〃soul〃　（〃avec　ame〃）；　but　altogether　regardless　of　time。



My　range　of　pieces　was　the　usual　onewaltzes；　galops；

〃romances；〃　〃arrangements；〃　etcetera；　all　of　them　of　the　class　of

delightful　compositions　of　which　any　one　with　a　little　healthy

taste　could　point　out　a　selection　among　the　better　class　works

contained　in　any　volume　of　music　and　say；　〃These　are　what　you

ought　NOT　to　play；　seeing　that　anything　worse；　less　tasteful；　and

more　silly　has　never　yet　been　included　in　any　collection　of

music；〃but　which　（probably　for　that　very　reason）　are　to　be

found　on　the　piano　of　every　Russian　lady。　True；　we　also　possessed

an　unfortunate　volume　which　contained　Beethoven's　〃Sonate

Pathetique〃　and　the　C　minor　Sonata　（a　volume　lamed　for　life　by

the　ladiesmore　especially　by　Lubotshka；　who　used　to　discourse

music　from　it　in　memory　of　Mamma）；　as　well　as　certain　other　good

pieces　which　her　teacher　in　Moscow　had　given　her；　but　among　that

collection　there　were　likewise　compositions　of　the　teacher's　own；

in　the　shape　of　clumsy　marches　and　galopsand　these　too

Lubotshka　used　to　play！　Katenka　and　I　cared　nothing　for　serious

works；　but　preferred；　above　all　things；　〃Le　Fou〃　and　〃The

Nightingale〃the　latter　of　which　Katenka　would　play　until　her

fingers　almost　became　invisible；　and　which　I　too　was　beginning

to　execute　with　much　vigour　and　some　continuity。　I　had　adopted　the

gestures　of　the　young　man　of　whom　I　have　spoken；　and　frequently

regretted　that　there　were　no　strangers　present　to　see　me　play。

Soon；　however；　I　began　to　realise　that　Liszt　and　Kalkbrenner　were

beyond　me；　and　that　I　should　never　overtake　Katenka。

Accordingly；　imagining　that　classical　music　was　easier　（as　well

as；　partly；　for　the　sake　of　originality）；　I　suddenly　came　to　the

conclusion　that　I　loved　abstruse　German　music。　I　began　to　go　into

raptures　whenever　Lubotshka　played　the　〃Sonate　Pathetique；〃　and

although　（if　the　truth　be　told）　that　work　had　for　years　driven　me

to　the　verge　of　distraction；　I　set　myself　to　play　Beethoven；　and

to　talk　of　him　as　〃Beethoven。〃　Yet　through　all　this　chopping　and

changing　and　pretence　（as　I　now　conceive）　there　may　have　run　in

me　a　certain　vein　of　talent；　since　music　sometimes　affected　me

even　to　tears；　and　things　which　particularly　pleased　me　I　could

strum　on　the　piano　afterwards　（in　a　certain　fashion）　without　the

score；　so　that；　had　any　one　taught　me　at　that　period　to　look　upon

music　as　an　end；　a　grace；　in　itself；　and　not　merely　as　a　means

for　pleasing　womenfolk　with　the　velocity　and　pseudo…sentiment　of

one's　playing；　I　might　possibly　have　become　a　passable　musician。



The　reading　of　French　novels　（of　which　Woloda　had　brought

a　large　store　with　him　from　Moscow）　was　another　of　my　amusements

that　summer。　At　that　period　Monte　Cristo　and　Taine's　works　had

just　appeared；　while　I　also　revelled　in　stories　by　Sue；　Dumas；

and　Paul　de　Kock。　Even　their　most　unnatural　personages　and　events

were　for　me　as　real　as　actuality；　and　not　only　was　I　incapable　of

suspecting　an　author　of　lying；　but；　in　my　eyes；　there　existed　no

author　at　all。　That　is　to　say；　the　various　personages　and　events

of　a　book　paraded　themselves　before　me　on　the　printed　page　as

personages　and　events　that　were　alive　and　real；　and　although　I

had　never　in　my　life　met　such　characters　as　I　there　read　about；　I

never　for　a　second　doubted　that　I　should　one　day　do　so。　I

discovered　in　myself　all　the　passions　described　in　every　novel；

as　well　as　a　likeness　to　all　the　charactersheroes　and　villains

impartiallywho　figured　therein；　just　as　a　suspicious　man　finds

in　himself　the　signs　of　every　possible　disease　when　reading　a

book　on　medicine。　I　took　pleasure　both　in　the　cunning　designs；

the　glowing　sentiments；　the　tumultuous　events；　and　the　character…

drawing　of　these　works。　A　good　man　was　of　the　goodness；　a　bad　man

of　the　badness；　possible　only　to　the　imagination　of　early　youth。

Likewise　I　found　great　pleasure　in　the　fact　that　it　was　all

written　in　French；　and　that　I　could　lay　to　heart　the　fine　words

which　the　fine　heroes　spoke；　and　recall　them　for　use　some　day

when　engaged　in　some　noble　deed。　What　quantities　of　French

phrases　I　culled　from　those　books　for　Kolpikoff's　benefit　if　I

should　ever　meet　him　again；　as　well　as　for　HERS；　when　at　length　I

should　find　her　and　reveal　to　her　my　love！　For　them　both　I

prepared　speeches　which　should　overcome　them　as　soon　as　spoken！

Upon　novels；　too；　I　founded　new　ideals　of　the　moral　qualities

which　I　wished　to　attain。　First　of　all；　I　wished　to　be　NOBLE　in

all　my　deeds　and　conduct　（I　use　the　French　word　noble　instead　of

the　Russian　word　blagorodni　for　the　reason　that　the　former　has　a

different　meaning　to　the　latteras　the　G