youth-第26部分

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clouds　of　morning　and　I　felt　chilly　after　bathing；　I　would　often

start　to　walk　at　random　through　the　fields　and　woods；　and

joyously　trail　my　wet　boots　in　the　fresh　dew。　All　the　while　my

head　would　be　filled　with　vivid　dreams　concerning　the　heroes　of

my　last…read　novel；　and　I　would　keep　picturing　to　myself　some

leader　of　an　army　or　some　statesman　or　marvellously　strong　man　or

devoted　lover　or　another；　and　looking　round　me　in；　a　nervous

expectation　that　I　should　suddenly　descry　HER　somewhere　near　me；

in　a　meadow　or　behind　a　tree。　Yet；　whenever　these　rambles　led　me

near　peasants　engaged　at　their　work；　all　my　ignoring　of　the

existence　of　the　〃common　people〃　did　not　prevent　me　from

experiencing　an　involuntary；　overpowering　sensation　of

awkwardness；　so　that　I　always　tried　to　avoid　their　seeing　me。

When　the　heat　of　the　day　had　increased；　it　was　not　infrequently　my

habitif　the　ladies　did　not　come　out　of　doors　for　their　morning

teato　go　rambling　through　the　orchard　and　kitchen…garden；　and　to

pluck　ripe　fruit　there。　Indeed；　this　was　an　occupation　which

furnished　me　with　one　of　my　greatest　pleasures。　Let　any　one　go

into　an　orchard；　and　dive　into　the　midst　of　a　tall；　thick；

sprouting　raspberry…bed。　Above　will　be　seen　the　clear；　glowing

sky；　and；　all　around；　the　pale…green；　prickly　stems　of　raspberry…

trees　where　they　grow　mingled　together　in　a　tangle　of　profusion。

At　one's　feet　springs　the　dark…green　nettle；　with　its　slender

crown　of　flowers；　while　the　broad…leaved　burdock；　with　its

bright…pink；　prickly　blossoms；　overtops　the　raspberries　（and　even

one's　head）　with　its　luxuriant　masses；　until；　with　the　nettle；　it

almost　meets　the　pendent；　pale…green　branches　of　the　old　apple…

trees　where　apples；　round　and　lustrous　as　bone；　but　as　yet

unripe；　are　mellowing　in　the　heat　of　the　sun。　Below；　again；　are

seen　young　raspberry…shoots；　twining　themselves　around　the

partially　withered；　leafless　parent　plant；　and　stretching　their

tendrils　towards　the　sunlight；　with　green；　needle…shaped　blades

of　grass　and　young；　dew…coated　pods　peering　through　last　year's

leaves；　and　growing　juicily　green　in　the　perennial　shade；　as

though　they　care　nothing　for　the　bright　sunshine　which　is　playing

on　the　leaves　of　the　apple…trees　above　them。　In　this　density

there　is　always　moisturealways　a　smell　of　confined；　perpetual

shade；　of　cobwebs；　fallen　apples　（turning　black　where　they　roll

on　the　mouldy　sod）；　raspberries；　and　earwigs　of　the　kind　which

impel　one　to　reach　hastily　for　more　fruit　when　one　has

inadvertently　swallowed　a　member　of　that　insect　tribe　with　the

last　berry。　At　every　step　one's　movements　keep　flushing　the

sparrows　which　always　make　their　home　in　these　depths；　and　one

hears　their　fussy　chirping　and　the　beating　of　their　tiny；

fluttering　wings　against　the　stalks；　and　catches　the　low　buzzing

of　a　bumble　bee　somewhere；　and　the　sound　of　the　gardener's

footsteps　（it　is　half…daft　Akim）　on　the　path　as　he　hums　his

eternal　sing…song　to　himself。　Then　one　mutters　under　one's

breath；　〃No！　Neither　he　nor　any　one　else　shall　find　me　here！〃　yet

still　one　goes　on　stripping　juicy　berries　from　their　conical

white　pilasters；　and　cramming　them　into　one's　mouth。　At　length；

one's　legs　soaked　to　the　knees　as　one　repeats；　over　and　over

again；　some　rubbish　which　keeps　running

in　one's　head；　and　one's　hands　and　nether　limbs　（despite　the

protection　of　one's　wet　trousers）　thoroughly　stung　with　the

nettles；　one　comes　to　the　conclusion　that　the　sun's　rays　are

beating　too　straight　upon　one's　head　for　eating　to　be　any　longer

desirable；　and；　sinking　down　into　the　tangle　of　greenery；　one

remains　therelooking　and　listening；　and　continuing　in

mechanical　fashion　to　strip　off　one　or　two　of　the　finer　berries

and　swallow　them。



At　eleven　o'clockthat　is　to　say；　when　the　ladies　had　taken

their　morning　tea　and　settled　down　to　their　occupationsI　would

repair　to　the　drawing…room。　Near　the　first　window；　with　its

unbleached　linen　blind　lowered　to　exclude　the　sunshine；　but

through　the　chink　of　which　the　sun　kept　throwing　brilliant

circles　of　light　which　hurt　the　eye　to　look　at　them；　there　would

be　standing　a　screen；　with　flies　quietly　parading　the　whiteness

of　its　covering。　Behind　it　would　be　seated　Mimi；　shaking　her　head

in　an　irritable　manner；　and　constantly　shifting　from　spot　to　spot

to　avoid　the　sunshine　as　at　intervals　it　darted　her　from

somewhere　and　laid　a　streak　of　flame　upon　her　hand　or　face。

Through　the　other　three　windows　the　sun　would　be　throwing　three

squares　of　light；　crossed　with　the　shadows　of　the　window…frames；

and　where　one　of　these　patches　marked　the　unstained　floor　of　the

room　there　would　be　lying；　in　accordance　with　invariable　custom；

Milka；　with　her　ears　pricked　as　she　watched　the　flies　promenading

the　lighted　space。　Seated　on　a　settee；　Katenka　would　be　knitting

or　reading　aloud　as　from　time　to　time　she　gave　her　white　sleeves

（looking　almost　transparent　in　the　sunshine）　an　impatient　shake；

or　tossed　her　head　with　a　frown　to　drive　away　some　fly　which　had

settled　upon　her　thick　auburn　hair　and　was　now　buzzing　in　its

tangles。　Lubotshka　would　either　be　walking　up　and　down　the　room

（her　hands　clasped　behind　her）　until　the　moment　should　arrive

when　a　movement　would　be　made　towards　the　garden；　or　playing　some

piece　of　which　every　note　had　long　been　familiar　to　me。　For　my

own　part；　I　would　sit　down　somewhere；　and　listen　to　the　music　or

the　reading　until　such　time　as　I　myself　should　have　an

opportunity　of　performing　on　the　piano。　After　luncheon　I　would

condescend　to　take　the　girls　out　riding　（since　to　go　for　a　mere

walk　at　that　hour　seemed　to　me　unsuitable　to　my　years　and

position　in　the　world）；　and　these　excursions　of　oursin　which　I

often　took　my　companions　through　unaccustomed　spots　and　dells

were　very　pleasant。　Indeed；　on　some　of　these　occasions　I　grew

quite　boyish；　and　the　girls　would　praise　my　riding　and　daring；

and　pretend　that　I　was　their　protector。　In　the　evening；　if　we　had

no　guests　with　us；　tea　（served　in　the　dim　verandah）；would　be

followed　by　a　walk　round　the　homestead　with　Papa；　and　then　I

would　stretch　myself　on　my　usual　settee；　and　read　and　ponder　as

of　old；　as　I　listened　to　Katenka　or　Lubotshka　playing。　At　other

times；　if　I　was　alone　in　the　drawing…room　and　Lubotshka　was

performing　some　old…time　air；　I　would　find　myself　laying　my　book

down；　and　gazing　through　the　open　doorway　on　to　the　balcony　at

the　pendent；　sinuous　branches　of　the　tall　birch…trees　where　they

stood　overshadowed　by　the　coming　night；　and　at　the　clear　sky

where；　if　one　looked　at　it　intently　enough；　misty；　yellowish

spots　would　appear　suddenly；　and　then　disappear　again。　Next；　as　I

listened　to　the　sounds　of　the　music　wafted　from　the　salon；　and　to

the　creaking　of　gates　and　the　voices　of　the　peasant　women　when

the　cattle　returned　to　the　village；　I　would　suddenly　bethink　me

of　Natalia　Savishna　and　of　Mamma　and　of　Karl　Ivanitch；　and　become

momentarily　sad。　But　in　those　days　my　spirit　was　so　full　of　life

and　hope　that　such　reminiscences　only　touched　me　in　passing；　and

soon　fled　away　again。



After　supper　and　（sometimes）　a　night　stroll　with　some　one　in　the

garden　（for　I　was　afraid　to　walk　down　the　dark　avenues　by

myself）；　I　would　repair　to　my　solitary　sleeping…place　on　the

verandaha　proceeding　which；　despite　the　countless　mosquitos

which　always　devoured　me；　afforded　me　the　greatest　pleasure。　If

the　moon　was　full；　I　frequently　spent　whole　nights　sitting　up　on

my　mattress；　looking　at　the　light　and　shade；　listening　to　the

sounds　or　stillness；　dreaming　of　one　matter　and　another　（but　more

particularly　of　the　poetic；　voluptuous　happiness　which；　in　those

days；　I　believed　was　to　prove　the　acme　of　my　felicity）　and

lamenting　that　until　now　it　had　only　been　given　to　me　to　IMAGINE

things。　No　sooner　had　every　one　dispersed；　and　I　had　seen　lights

pass　from　the　drawing…room　to　the　upper　chambers　（whence　female

voices　would　presently　be　heard；　and　the　noise　of　windows　opening

and　shutting）；　than　I　would　depart　to　the　verandah；　and　walk　up

and　down　there　as　I　listened　attentively　to　the　sounds　from　the

slumbering　mansion。　To　this　day；　whenever　I　feel　any　expectation

（no　matter　how　small　and　baseless）　of　realising　a　fraction　of

some　happiness　of　which　I　may　be　dreaming；　I　somehow　invariably

fail　to　picture　to　myself　what　the　imagined　happiness　is　going　to

be　like。



At　the　least　sound　of　bare　footsteps；　or　of　a　cough；　or　of　a

snore；　or　of　the　rattling　of　a　window；　or　of　the　rustling　of　a

dress；　I　would　leap　from　my　mattress；　and　stand　furtively　gazing

and　listening；　thrown；　without　any　visible　cause；　into　extreme

agitation。　But　the　lights　would　disappear　from　the　upper　rooms；

the　sounds　of　footsteps　and　talking　give　place　to　snores；　the

watchman　begin　his　nightly　tapping　with　his　stick；　the　garden

grow　brighter　and　more　mysterious　as　the　streaks　of　light

vanished　from　the　windows；　the　last　candle　pass　from　the　pantry

to　the　hall　（throwing　a　glimmer　into　the　dewy　garden　as　it　did

so）；　and　the　stooping　figure　of　Foka　（decked　in　a　nightcap；　and

carrying　the　candle）　become　visible　to　my　eyes　as　he　went　to　his

bed。　Often　I　would　find　a　great　and　fearful　pleasure　in　stealing

over　the　grass；　in　the　black　shadow　of　the　house；　until　I　had

reached　the　hall　window；　where　I　would　stand　listening　with　bated

breath　to　the　snoring　of　the　boy；　to　Foka's　gruntings　（in　the

belief　that　no　one　heard　him）；　and　to　the　sound　of　his　senile

voice　as　he　drawled　out　the　evening　prayers。　At　length　even　his

candle　would　be　extinguished；　and　the　window　slammed　down；　so

that　I　would　find　myself　utterly　alone；　whereupon；　glancing

nervously　from　side　to　side；　lest　haply　I　should　see　the　white

woman　standing　near　a　flower…bed　or　by　my　couch；　I　would　run　at

full　speed　back　to　the　verandah。　Then；　and　only　then；　I　would　lie

down　with　my　face　to　the　garden；　and；　covering　myself　over；　so

far　as　possible；　from　the　mosqu