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youth-第26部分

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clouds of morning and I felt chilly after bathing; I would often

start to walk at random through the fields and woods; and

joyously trail my wet boots in the fresh dew。 All the while my

head would be filled with vivid dreams concerning the heroes of

my last…read novel; and I would keep picturing to myself some

leader of an army or some statesman or marvellously strong man or

devoted lover or another; and looking round me in; a nervous

expectation that I should suddenly descry HER somewhere near me;

in a meadow or behind a tree。 Yet; whenever these rambles led me

near peasants engaged at their work; all my ignoring of the

existence of the 〃common people〃 did not prevent me from

experiencing an involuntary; overpowering sensation of

awkwardness; so that I always tried to avoid their seeing me。

When the heat of the day had increased; it was not infrequently my

habitif the ladies did not come out of doors for their morning

teato go rambling through the orchard and kitchen…garden; and to

pluck ripe fruit there。 Indeed; this was an occupation which

furnished me with one of my greatest pleasures。 Let any one go

into an orchard; and dive into the midst of a tall; thick;

sprouting raspberry…bed。 Above will be seen the clear; glowing

sky; and; all around; the pale…green; prickly stems of raspberry…

trees where they grow mingled together in a tangle of profusion。

At one's feet springs the dark…green nettle; with its slender

crown of flowers; while the broad…leaved burdock; with its

bright…pink; prickly blossoms; overtops the raspberries (and even

one's head) with its luxuriant masses; until; with the nettle; it

almost meets the pendent; pale…green branches of the old apple…

trees where apples; round and lustrous as bone; but as yet

unripe; are mellowing in the heat of the sun。 Below; again; are

seen young raspberry…shoots; twining themselves around the

partially withered; leafless parent plant; and stretching their

tendrils towards the sunlight; with green; needle…shaped blades

of grass and young; dew…coated pods peering through last year's

leaves; and growing juicily green in the perennial shade; as

though they care nothing for the bright sunshine which is playing

on the leaves of the apple…trees above them。 In this density

there is always moisturealways a smell of confined; perpetual

shade; of cobwebs; fallen apples (turning black where they roll

on the mouldy sod); raspberries; and earwigs of the kind which

impel one to reach hastily for more fruit when one has

inadvertently swallowed a member of that insect tribe with the

last berry。 At every step one's movements keep flushing the

sparrows which always make their home in these depths; and one

hears their fussy chirping and the beating of their tiny;

fluttering wings against the stalks; and catches the low buzzing

of a bumble bee somewhere; and the sound of the gardener's

footsteps (it is half…daft Akim) on the path as he hums his

eternal sing…song to himself。 Then one mutters under one's

breath; 〃No! Neither he nor any one else shall find me here!〃 yet

still one goes on stripping juicy berries from their conical

white pilasters; and cramming them into one's mouth。 At length;

one's legs soaked to the knees as one repeats; over and over

again; some rubbish which keeps running

in one's head; and one's hands and nether limbs (despite the

protection of one's wet trousers) thoroughly stung with the

nettles; one comes to the conclusion that the sun's rays are

beating too straight upon one's head for eating to be any longer

desirable; and; sinking down into the tangle of greenery; one

remains therelooking and listening; and continuing in

mechanical fashion to strip off one or two of the finer berries

and swallow them。



At eleven o'clockthat is to say; when the ladies had taken

their morning tea and settled down to their occupationsI would

repair to the drawing…room。 Near the first window; with its

unbleached linen blind lowered to exclude the sunshine; but

through the chink of which the sun kept throwing brilliant

circles of light which hurt the eye to look at them; there would

be standing a screen; with flies quietly parading the whiteness

of its covering。 Behind it would be seated Mimi; shaking her head

in an irritable manner; and constantly shifting from spot to spot

to avoid the sunshine as at intervals it darted her from

somewhere and laid a streak of flame upon her hand or face。

Through the other three windows the sun would be throwing three

squares of light; crossed with the shadows of the window…frames;

and where one of these patches marked the unstained floor of the

room there would be lying; in accordance with invariable custom;

Milka; with her ears pricked as she watched the flies promenading

the lighted space。 Seated on a settee; Katenka would be knitting

or reading aloud as from time to time she gave her white sleeves

(looking almost transparent in the sunshine) an impatient shake;

or tossed her head with a frown to drive away some fly which had

settled upon her thick auburn hair and was now buzzing in its

tangles。 Lubotshka would either be walking up and down the room

(her hands clasped behind her) until the moment should arrive

when a movement would be made towards the garden; or playing some

piece of which every note had long been familiar to me。 For my

own part; I would sit down somewhere; and listen to the music or

the reading until such time as I myself should have an

opportunity of performing on the piano。 After luncheon I would

condescend to take the girls out riding (since to go for a mere

walk at that hour seemed to me unsuitable to my years and

position in the world); and these excursions of oursin which I

often took my companions through unaccustomed spots and dells

were very pleasant。 Indeed; on some of these occasions I grew

quite boyish; and the girls would praise my riding and daring;

and pretend that I was their protector。 In the evening; if we had

no guests with us; tea (served in the dim verandah);would be

followed by a walk round the homestead with Papa; and then I

would stretch myself on my usual settee; and read and ponder as

of old; as I listened to Katenka or Lubotshka playing。 At other

times; if I was alone in the drawing…room and Lubotshka was

performing some old…time air; I would find myself laying my book

down; and gazing through the open doorway on to the balcony at

the pendent; sinuous branches of the tall birch…trees where they

stood overshadowed by the coming night; and at the clear sky

where; if one looked at it intently enough; misty; yellowish

spots would appear suddenly; and then disappear again。 Next; as I

listened to the sounds of the music wafted from the salon; and to

the creaking of gates and the voices of the peasant women when

the cattle returned to the village; I would suddenly bethink me

of Natalia Savishna and of Mamma and of Karl Ivanitch; and become

momentarily sad。 But in those days my spirit was so full of life

and hope that such reminiscences only touched me in passing; and

soon fled away again。



After supper and (sometimes) a night stroll with some one in the

garden (for I was afraid to walk down the dark avenues by

myself); I would repair to my solitary sleeping…place on the

verandaha proceeding which; despite the countless mosquitos

which always devoured me; afforded me the greatest pleasure。 If

the moon was full; I frequently spent whole nights sitting up on

my mattress; looking at the light and shade; listening to the

sounds or stillness; dreaming of one matter and another (but more

particularly of the poetic; voluptuous happiness which; in those

days; I believed was to prove the acme of my felicity) and

lamenting that until now it had only been given to me to IMAGINE

things。 No sooner had every one dispersed; and I had seen lights

pass from the drawing…room to the upper chambers (whence female

voices would presently be heard; and the noise of windows opening

and shutting); than I would depart to the verandah; and walk up

and down there as I listened attentively to the sounds from the

slumbering mansion。 To this day; whenever I feel any expectation

(no matter how small and baseless) of realising a fraction of

some happiness of which I may be dreaming; I somehow invariably

fail to picture to myself what the imagined happiness is going to

be like。



At the least sound of bare footsteps; or of a cough; or of a

snore; or of the rattling of a window; or of the rustling of a

dress; I would leap from my mattress; and stand furtively gazing

and listening; thrown; without any visible cause; into extreme

agitation。 But the lights would disappear from the upper rooms;

the sounds of footsteps and talking give place to snores; the

watchman begin his nightly tapping with his stick; the garden

grow brighter and more mysterious as the streaks of light

vanished from the windows; the last candle pass from the pantry

to the hall (throwing a glimmer into the dewy garden as it did

so); and the stooping figure of Foka (decked in a nightcap; and

carrying the candle) become visible to my eyes as he went to his

bed。 Often I would find a great and fearful pleasure in stealing

over the grass; in the black shadow of the house; until I had

reached the hall window; where I would stand listening with bated

breath to the snoring of the boy; to Foka's gruntings (in the

belief that no one heard him); and to the sound of his senile

voice as he drawled out the evening prayers。 At length even his

candle would be extinguished; and the window slammed down; so

that I would find myself utterly alone; whereupon; glancing

nervously from side to side; lest haply I should see the white

woman standing near a flower…bed or by my couch; I would run at

full speed back to the verandah。 Then; and only then; I would lie

down with my face to the garden; and; covering myself over; so

far as possible; from the mosqu
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