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youth-第31部分

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incontinently from the school; and was prevented by the mere

thought that possibly he had told her about me from ever entering

the place again; or even from hiding behind her grooms; lest I

should encounter her。



Whenever I fell in love with ladies whom I did not know; and

especially married women; I experienced a shyness a thousand

times greater than I had ever felt with Sonetchka。 I dreaded

beyond measure that my divinity should learn of my passion; or

even of my existence; since I felt sure that; once she had done

so; she would be so terribly offended that I should never be

forgiven for my presumption。 And indeed; if the Amazon referred

to above had ever come to know how I used to stand behind the

grooms and dream of seizing her and carrying her off to some

country spotif she had ever come to know how I should have lived

with her there; and how I should have treated her; it is probable

that she would have had very good cause for indignation! But I

always felt that; once I got to know her; she would straightway

divine these thoughts; and consider herself insulted by my

acquaintance。



As my second affaire du coeur; I; (for the third time) fell in

love with Sonetchka when I saw her at her sister's。 My second

passion for her had long since come to an end; but I became

enamoured of her this third time through Lubotshka sending me a

copy…book in which Sonetchka had copied some extracts from

Lermontoff's The Demon; with certain of the more subtly amorous

passages underlined in red ink and marked with pressed flowers。

Remembering how Woloda had been wont to kiss his inamorata's

purse last year; I essayed to do the same thing now; and really;

when alone in my room in the evenings and engaged in dreaming as

I looked at a flower or occasionally pressed it to my lips; I

would feel a certain pleasantly lachrymose mood steal over me;

and remain genuinely in love (or suppose myself to be so) for at

least several days。



Finally; my third affaire du coeur that winter was connected with

the lady with whom Woloda was in love; and who used occasionally

to visit at our house。 Yet; in this damsel; as I now remember;

there was not a single beautiful feature to be foundor; at all

events; none of those which usually pleased me。 She was the

daughter of a well…known Moscow lady of light and leading; and;

petite and slender; wore long flaxen curls after the English

fashion; and could boast of a transparent profile。 Every one said

that she was even cleverer and more learned than her mother; but

I was never in a position to judge of that; since; overcome with

craven bashfulness at the mere thought of her intellect and

accomplishments; I never spoke to her alone but once; and then

with unaccountable trepidation。 Woloda's enthusiasm; however (for

the presence of an audience never prevented him from giving vent

to his rapture); communicated itself to me so strongly that I

also became enamoured of the lady。 Yet; conscious that he would

not be pleased to know that two brothers were in love with the

same girl; I never told him of my condition。 On the contrary; I

took special delight in the thought that our mutual love for her

was so pure that; though its object was; in both cases; the same

charming being; we remained friends and ready; if ever the

occasion should arise; to sacrifice ourselves for one another。

Yet I have an idea that; as regards self…sacrifice; he did not

quite share my views; for he was so passionately in love with the

lady that once he was for giving a member of the diplomatic

corps; who was said to be going to marry her; a slap in the face

and a challenge to a duel; but; for my part; I would gladly have

sacrificed my feelings for his sake; seeing that the fact that

the only remark I had ever addressed to her had been on the

subject of the dignity of classical music; and that my passion;

for all my efforts to keep it alive; expired the following week;

would have rendered it the more easy for me to do so。



XXXVIII



THE WORLD



As regards those worldly delights to which I had intended; on

entering the University; to surrender myself in imitation of my

brother; I underwent a complete disillusionment that winter。

Woloda danced a great deal; and Papa also went to balls with his

young wife; but I appeared to be thought either too young or

unfitted for such delights; and no one invited me to the houses

where balls were being given。 Yet; in spite of my vow of

frankness with Dimitri; I never told him (nor any one else) how

much I should have liked to go to those dances; and how I felt

hurt at being forgotten and (apparently) taken for the

philosopher that I pretended to be。



Nevertheless; a reception was to be given that winter at the

Princess Kornakoff's; and to it she sent us personal invitations

to myself among the rest! Consequently; I was to attend my first

ball。 Before starting; Woloda came into my room to see how I was

dressing myselfan act on his part which greatly surprised me and

took me aback。 In my opinion (it must be understood) solicitude

about one's dress was a shameful thing; and should be kept under;

but he seemed to think it a thing so natural and necessary that

he said outright that he was afraid I should be put out of

countenance on that score。 Accordingly; he bid me don my patent

leather boots; and was horrified to find that I wanted to put on

gloves of peau de chamois。 Next; he adjusted my watch…chain in a

particular manner; and carried me off to a hairdresser's near the

Kuznetski Bridge to have my locks coiffured。 That done; he

withdrew to a little distance and surveyed me。



〃Yes; he looks right enough now〃 said he to the hairdresser。

〃Onlycouldn't you smooth those tufts of his in front a little?〃

Yet; for all that Monsieur Charles treated my forelocks with one

essence and another; they persisted in rising up again when ever

I put on my hat。 In fact; my curled and tonsured figure seemed to

me to look far worse than it had done before。 My only hope of

salvation lay in an affectation of untidiness。 Only in that guise

would my exterior resemble anything at all。 Woloda; apparently;

was of the same opinion; for he begged me to undo the curls; and

when I had done so and still looked unpresentable; he ceased to

regard me at all; but throughout the drive to the Kornakoffs

remained silent and depressed。



Nevertheless; I entered the Kornakoffs' mansion boldly enough; and

it was only when the Princess had invited me to dance; and I; for

some reason or another (though I had driven there with no other

thought in my head than to dance well); had replied that I never

indulged in that pastime; that I began to blush; and; left

solitary among a crowd of strangers; became plunged in my usual

insuperable and ever…growing shyness。 In fact; I remained silent

on that spot almost the whole evening!



Nevertheless; while a waltz was in progress; one of the young

princesses came to me and asked me; with the sort of official

kindness common to all her family; why I was not dancing。 I can

remember blushing hotly at the question; but at the same time

feelingfor all my efforts to prevent ita self…satisfied smile

steal over my face as I began talking; in the most inflated and

long…winded French; such rubbish as even now; after dozens of

years; it shames me to recall。 It must have been the effect of

the music; which; while exciting my nervous sensibility; drowned

(as I supposed) the less intelligible portion of my utterances。

Anyhow; I went on speaking of the exalted company present; and of

the futility of men and women; until I had got myself into such a

tangle that I was forced to stop short in the middle of a word of

a sentence which I found myself powerless to conclude。



Even the worldly…minded young Princess was shocked by my conduct;

and gazed at me in reproach; whereat I burst out laughing。 At

this critical moment; Woloda; who had remarked that I was

conversing with great animation; and probably was curious to know

what excuses I was making for not dancing; approached us with

Dubkoff。 Seeing; however; my smiling face and the Princess's

frightened mien; as well as overhearing the appalling rubbish

with which I concluded my speech; he turned red in the face; and

wheeled round again。 The Princess also rose and left me。 I

continued to smile; but in such a state of agony from the

consciousness of my stupidity that I felt ready to sink into the

floor。 Likewise I felt that; come what might; I must move about

and say something; in order to effect a change in my position。

Accordingly I approached Dubkoff; and asked him if he had danced

many waltzes with her that night。 This I feigned to say in a gay

and jesting manner; yet in reality I was imploring help of the

very Dubkoff to whom I had cried 〃Hold your tongue!〃 on the

night of the matriculation dinner。 By way of answer; he made as

though he had not heard me; and turned away。 Next; I approached

Woloda; and said with an effort and in a similar tone of assumed

gaiety: 〃Hullo; Woloda! Are you played out yet?〃 He merely looked

at me as much as to say; 〃You wouldn't speak to me like that if

we were alone;〃 and left me without a word; in the evident fear

that I might continue to attach myself to his person。



〃My God! Even my own brother deserts me!〃 I thought to myself。



Yet somehow I had not the courage to depart; but remained

standing where I was until the very end of the evening。 At

length; when every one was leaving the room and crowding into the

hall; and a footman slipped my greatcoat on to my shoulders in

such a way as to tilt up my cap; I gave a dreary; half…lachrymose

smile; and remarked to no one in particular: 〃Comme c'est

gracieux!〃



XXXIX



THE STUDENTS' FEAST



NOTWITHSTANDING that; as yet; Dimitri's influence had kept me

from indulging in those customary students' festivities known as

kutezhi
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