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youth-第37部分

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tokens of my wealth。 I felt guilty in their eyes; and as though;

whether I accepted or rejected their acquittal and took a line of

my own; I could never enter into equal and unaffected relations

with them。 Yet to such an extent did the stirring poetry of the

courage which I could detect in Zuchin (in particular) overshadow

the coarse; vicious side of his nature that the latter made no

unpleasant impression upon me。



For a couple of weeks I visited Zuchin's almost every night for

purposes of work。 Yet I did very little there; since; as I have

said; I had lost ground at the start; and; not having sufficient

grit in me to catch up my companions by solitary study; was

forced merely to PRETEND that I was listening to and taking in

all they were reading。 I have an idea; too; that they divined my

pretence; since I often noticed that they passed over points

which they themselves knew without first inquiring of me whether

I did the same。 Yet; day by day; I was coming to regard the

vulgarity of this circle with more indulgence; to feel

increasingly drawn towards its way of life; and to find in it

much that was poetical。 Only my word of honour to Dimitri that I

would never indulge in dissipation with these new comrades kept

me from deciding also to share their diversions。



Once; I thought I would make a display of my knowledge of

literature; particularly French literature; and so led the

conversation to that theme。 Judge; then; of my surprise when I

discovered that not only had my companions been reading the

foreign passages in Russian; but that they had studied far more

foreign works than I had; and knew and could appraise English;

and even Spanish; writers of whom I had never so much as heard!

Likewise; Pushkin and Zhukovski represented to them LITERATURE;

and not; as to myself; certain books in yellow covers which I had

once read and studied when a child。 For Dumas and Sue they had an

almost equal contempt; and; in general; were competent to form

much better and clearer judgments on literary matters than I was;

for all that I refused to recognise the fact。 In knowledge of

music; too; I could not beat them; and was astonished to find

that Operoff played the violin; and another student the cello

and piano; while both of them were members of the University

orchestra; and possessed a wide knowledge of and appreciation of

good music。 In short; with the exception of the French and German

languages; my companions were better posted at every point than I

was; yet not the least proud of the fact。 True; I might have

plumed myself on my position as a man of the world; but Woloda

excelled me even in that。 Wherein; then; lay the height from

which I presumed to look down upon these comrades? In my

acquaintanceship with Prince Ivan Ivanovitch? In my ability to

speak French? In my drozhki? In my linen shirt? In my finger…

nails? 〃Surely these things are all rubbish;〃 was the thought

which would come flitting through my head under the influence of

the envy which the good…fellowship and kindly; youthful gaiety

displayed around me excited in my breast。 Every one addressed his

interlocutor in the second person singular。 True; the familiarity

of this address almost approximated to rudeness; yet even the

boorish exterior of the speaker could not conceal a constant

endeavour never to hurt another one's feelings。 The terms 〃brute〃

or 〃swine;〃 when used in this good…natured fashion; only

convulsed me; and gave me cause for inward merriment。 In no way

did they offend the person addressed; or prevent the company at

large from remaining on the most sincere and friendly footing。 In

all their intercourse these youths were delicate and forbearing

in a way that only very poor and very young men can be。 However

much I might detect in Zuchin's character and amusements an

element of coarseness and profligacy; I could also detect the

fact that his drinking…bouts were of a very different order to

the puerility with burnt rum and champagne in which I had

participated at Baron Z。's。



XLIV



ZUCHIN AND SEMENOFF



Although I do not know what class of society Zuchin belonged to;

I know that; without the help either of means or social position;

he had matriculated from the Seventh Gymnasium。 At that time he

was eighteenthough he looked much olderand very clever;

especially in his powers of assimilation。 To him it was easier to

survey the whole of some complicated subject; to foresee its

various parts and deductions; than to use that knowledge; when

gained; for reasoning out the exact laws to which those

deductions were due。 He knew that he was clever; and of the fact

he was proud; yet from that very pride arose the circumstance that

he treated every one with unvarying simplicity and good…nature。

Moreover; his experience of life must have been considerable;

for already he had squandered much love; friendship; activity;

and money。 Though poor and moving only in the lower ranks of

society; there was nothing which he had ever attempted for

which he did not thenceforth feel the contempt; the indifference;

or the utter disregard which were bound to result from his

attaining his goal too easily。 In fact; the very ardour with

which he applied himself to a new pursuit seemed to be due

to his contempt for what he had already attained; since his

abilities always led him to success; and therefore to a certain

right to despise it。 With the sciences it was the same。 Though

little interested in them; and taking no notes; he knew

mathematics thoroughly; and was uttering no vain boast when he

said that he could beat the professor himself。 Much of what he

heard said in lectures he thought rubbish; yet with his peculiar

habit of unconsciously practical roguishness he feigned to

subscribe to all that the professors thought important; and every

professor adored him。 True; he was outspoken to the authorities;

but they none the less respected him。 Besides disliking and

despising the sciences; he despised all who laboured to attain

what he himself had mastered so easily; since the sciences; as he

understood them; did not occupy one…tenth part of his powers。 In

fact; life; as he saw it from the student's standpoint; contained

nothing to which he could devote himself wholly; and his

impetuous; active nature (as he himself often said) demanded life

complete: wherefore he frequented the drinking…bout in so far as

he could afford it; and surrendered himself to dissipation

chiefly out of a desire to get as far away from himself as

possible。 Consequently; just as the examinations were

approaching; Operoff's prophecy to me came true; for Zuchin

wasted two whole weeks in this fashion; and we had to do the

latter part of our preparation at another student's。 Yet at the

first examination he reappeared with pale; haggard face and

tremulous hands; and passed brilliantly into the second course!



The company of roisterers of which Zuchin had been the leader

since its formation at the beginning of the term consisted of

eight students; among whom; at first; had been numbered Ikonin

and Semenoff; but the former had left under the strain of the

continuous revelry in which the band had indulged in the early

part of the term; and the latter seceded later for reasons which

were never wholly explained。 In its early days this band had been

looked upon with awe by all the fellows of our course; and had

had its exploits much discussed。 Of these exploits the leading

heroes had been Zuchin and; towards the end of the term;

Semenoff; but the latter had come to be generally shunned; and to

cause disturbances on the rare occasions when he attended a

lecture。 Just before the examinations began; he rounded off his

drinking exploits in a most energetic and original fashion; as I

myself had occasion to witness (through my acquaintanceship with

Zuchin)。 This is how it was。 One evening we had just assembled at

Zuchin's; and Operoff; reinforcing a candlestick with a candle

stuck in a bottle; had just plunged his nose into his notebooks

and begun to read aloud in his thin voice from his neatly…written

notes on physics; when the landlady entered the room; and

informed Zuchin that some one had brought a note for him 。 。

。'The remainder of this chapter is omitted in the original。'



XLV



I COME TO GRIEF



At length the first examinationon differentials and integrals

drew near; but I continued in a vague state which precluded me

from forming any clear idea of what was awaiting me。 Every

evening; after consorting with Zuchin and the rest; the thought

would occur to me that there was something in my convictions

which I must change … something wrong and mistaken; yet every

morning the daylight would find me again satisfied to be 〃comme

il faut;〃 and desirous of no change whatsoever。



Such was the frame of mind in which I attended for the first

examination。 I seated myself on the bench where the princes;

counts; and barons always sat; and began talking to them in

French; with the not unnatural result that I never gave another

thought to the answers which I was shortly to return to questions

in a subject of which I knew nothing。 I gazed supinely at other

students as they went up to be examined; and even allowed myself

to chaff some of them。



〃Well; Grap;〃 I said to Ilinka (who; from our first entry into

the University; had shaken off my influence; had ceased to smile

when I spoke to him; and always remained ill…disposed towards

me); 〃have you survived the ordeal?〃



〃Yes;〃 retorted Ilinka。 〃Let us see if YOU can do so。〃



I smiled contemptuously at the answer; notwithstanding that the

doubt which he had expressed had given me a momentary shock。 Once

again; however; indifference overlaid that feeling; and I

remained so entirely absent…minded and supine that; the very

moment after I had been examined (a mere formality for me; as it

turned out) I was maki
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