youth-第38部分

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remained　so　entirely　absent…minded　and　supine　that；　the　very

moment　after　I　had　been　examined　（a　mere　formality　for　me；　as　it

turned　out）　I　was　making　a　dinner　appointment　with　Baron　Z。　When

called　out　with　Ikonin；　I　smoothed　the　creases　in　my　uniform；　and

walked　up　to　the　examiner's　table　with　perfect　sang　froid。



True；　a　slight　shiver　of　apprehension　ran　down　my　back　when　the

young　professorthe　same　one　as　had　examined　me　for　my

matriculationlooked　me　straight　in　the　face　as　I　reached　across

to　the　envelope　containing　the　tickets。　Ikonin；　though　taking　a

ticket　with　the　same　plunge　of　his　whole　body　as　he　had　done　at

the　previous　examinations；　did　at　least　return　some　sort　of　an

answer　this　time；　though　a　poor　one。　I；　on　the　contrary；　did　just

as　he　had　done　on　the　two　previous　occasions；　or　even　worse；

since　I　took　a　second　ticket；　yet　for　a　second　time　returned　no

answer。　The　professor　looked　me　compassionately　in　the　face；　and

said　in　a　quiet；　but　determined；　voice：



〃You　will　not　pass　into　the　second　course；　Monsieur　Irtenieff。

You　had　better　not　complete　the　examinations。　The　faculty　must　be

weeded　out。　The　same　with　you；　Monsieur　Ikonin。〃



Ikonin　implored　leave　to　finish　the　examinations；　as　a　great

favour；　but　the　professor　replied　that　he　（Ikonin）　was　not　likely

to　do　in　two　days　what　he　had　not　succeeded　in　doing　in　a　year；

and　that　he　had　not　the　smallest　chance　of　passing。　Ikonin

renewed　his　humble；　piteous　appeals；　but　the　professor　was

inexorable。



〃You　can　go；　gentlemen；〃　he　remarked　in　the　same　quiet；　resolute

voice。



I　was　only　too　glad　to　do　so；　for　I　felt　ashamed　of　seeming；　by

my　silent　presence；　to　be　joining　in　Ikonin's　humiliating　prayers

for　grace。　I　have　no　recollection　of　how　I　threaded　my　way

through　the　students　in　the　hall；　nor　of　what　I　replied　to　their

questions；　nor　of　how　I　passed　into　the　vestibule　and　departed

home。　I　was　offended；　humiliated；　and　genuinely　unhappy。



For　three　days　I　never　left　my　room；　and　saw　no　one；　but　found

relief　in　copious　tears。　I　should　have　sought　a　pistol　to　shoot

myself　if　I　had　had　the　necessary　determination　for　the　deed。　I

thought　that　Ilinka　Grap　would　spit　in　my　face　when　he　next　met

me；　and　that　he　would　have　the　right　to　do　so；　that　Operoff　would

rejoice　at　my　misfortune；　and　tell　every　one　of　it；　that

Kolpikoff　had　justly　shamed　me　that　night　at　the　restaurant；　that

my　stupid　speeches　to　Princess　Kornikoff　had　had　their　fitting

result；　and　so　on；　and　so　on。　All　the　moments　in　my　life　which

had　been　for　me　most　difficult　and　painful　recurred　to　my　mind。　I

tried　to　blame　some　one　for　my　calamity；　and　thought　that　some

one　must　have　done　it　on　purposemust　have　conspired　a　whole

intrigue　against　me。　Next；　I　murmured　against　the　professors；

against　my　comrades；　Woloda；　Dimitri；　and　Papa　（the　last　for

having　sent　me　to　the　University　at　all）。　Finally；　I　railed　at

Providence　for　ever　having　let　me　see　such　ignominy。　Believing

myself　ruined　for　ever　in　the　eyes　of　all　who　knew　me；　I　besought

Papa　to　let　me　go　into　the　hussars　or　to　the　Caucasus。　Naturally；

Papa　was　anything　but　pleased　at　what　had　happened；　yet；　on

seeing　my　passionate　grief；　he　comforted　me　by　saying　that；

though　it　was　a　bad　business；　it　might　yet　be　mended　by　my

transferring　to　another　faculty。　Woloda；　who　also　saw　nothing

very　terrible　in　my　misfortune；　added　that　at　least　I　should　not

be　put　out　of　countenance　in　a　new　faculty；　since　I　should　have

new　comrades　there。　As　for　the　ladies　of　the　household；　they

neither　knew　nor　cared　what　either　an　examination　or　a　plucking

meant；　and　condoled　with　me　only　because　they　saw　me　in　such

distress。　Dimitri　came　to　see　me　every　day；　and　was　very　kind　and

consolatory　throughout；　but　for　that　very　reason　he　seemed　to　me

to　have　grown　colder　than　before。　It　always　hurt　me　and　made　me

feel　uncomfortable　when　he　came　up　to　my　room　and　seated　himself

in　silence　beside　me；　much　as　a　doctor　might　scat　himself　by　the

bedside　of　an　awkward　patient。　Sophia　Ivanovna　and　Varenika　sent

me　books　for　which　I　had　expressed　a　wish；　as　also　an　invitation

to　go　and　see　them；　but　in　that　very　thoughtfulness　of　theirs　I

saw　only　proud；　humiliating　condescension　to　one　who　had　fallen

beyond　forgiveness。　Although；　in　three　days'　time；　I　grew　calmer；

it　was　not　until　we　departed　for　the　country　that　I　left　the

house；　but　spent　the　time　in　nursing　my　grief　and　wandering；

fearful　of　all　the　household；　through　the　various　rooms。



One　evening；　as　I　was　sitting　deep　in　thought　and　listening　to

Avdotia　playing　her　waltz；　I　suddenly　leapt　to　my　feet；　ran

upstairs；　got　out　the　copy…book　whereon　I　had　once　inscribed

〃Rules　of　My　Life；〃　opened　it；　and　experienced　my　first　moment　of

repentance　and　moral　resolution。　True；　I　burst　into　tears　once

more；　but　they　were　no　longer　tears　of　despair。　Pulling　myself

together；　I　set　about　writing　out　a　fresh　set　of　rules；　in　the

assured　conviction　that　never　again　would　I　do　a　wrong　action；

waste　a　single　moment　on　frivolity；　or　alter　the　rules　which　I

now　decided　to　frame。



How　long　that　moral　impulse　lasted；　what　it　consisted　of；　and

what　new　principles　I　devised　for　my　moral　growth　I　will　relate

when　speaking　of　the　ensuing　and　happier　portion　of　my　early

manhood。











End