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youth-第6部分
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believed in the power of the human intellect; or am I more so
now; when I am losing the faculty of developing that power; and
am in doubt both as to its potency and as to its importance?〃 To
this I could return no positive answer。
The sense of freedom; combined with the spring…like feeling of
vague expectation to which I have referred already; so unsettled
me that I could not keep myself in handcould make none but the
sorriest of preparations for my University ordeal。 Thus I was
busy in the schoolroom one morning; and fully aware that I must
work hard; seeing that to…morrow was the day of my examination in
a subject of which I had the two whole questions still to read
up; yet no sooner had a breath of spring come wafted through the
window than I felt as though there were something quite different
that I wished to recall to my memory。 My hands laid down my book;
my feet began to move of themselves; and to set me walking up and
down the room; and my head felt as though some one had suddenly
touched in it a little spring and set some machine in motionso
easily and swiftly and naturally did all sorts of pleasing
fancies of which I could catch no more than the radiancy begin
coursing through it。 Thus one hour; two hours; elapsed
unperceived。 Even if I sat down determinedly to my book; and
managed to concentrate my whole attention upon what I was
reading; suddenly there would sound in the corridor the footsteps
of a woman and the rustle of her dress。 Instantly everything
would escape my mind; and I would find it impossible to remain
still any longer; however much I knew that the woman could only
be either Gasha or my grandmother's old sewing…maid moving about
in the corridor。 〃Yet suppose it should be SHE all at once?〃 I
would say to myself。 〃Suppose IT is beginning now; and I were to
lose it?〃 and; darting out into the corridor; I would find; each
time; that it was only Gasha。 Yet for long enough afterwards I
could not recall my attention to my studies。 A little spring had
been touched in my head; and a strange mental ferment started
afresh。 Again; that evening I was sitting alone beside a tallow
candle in my room。 Suddenly I looked up for a momentto snuff
the candle; or to straighten myself in my chairand at once
became aware of nothing but the darkness in the corners and the
blank of the open doorway。 Then; I also became conscious how still
the house was; and felt as though I could do nothing else than go
on listening to that stillness; and gazing into the black square
of that open doorway; and gradually sinking into a brown study as
I sat there without moving。 At intervals; however; I would get
up; and go downstairs; and begin wandering through the empty
rooms。 Once I sat a long while in the small drawing…room as I
listened to Gasha playing 〃The Nightingale〃 (with two fingers) on
the piano in the large drawing…room; where a solitary candle
burned。 Later; when the moon was bright; I felt obliged to get
out of bed and to lean out of the window; so that I might gaze
into the garden; and at the lighted roof of the Shaposnikoff
mansion; the straight tower of our parish church; and the dark
shadows of the fence and the lilac…bush where they lay black upon
the path。 So long did I remain there that; when I at length
returned to bed; it was ten o'clock in the morning before I could
open my eyes again。
In short; had it not been for the tutors who came to give me
lessons; as well as for St。 Jerome (who at intervals; and very
grudgingly; applied a spur to my self…conceit) and; most of all;
for the desire to figure as 〃clever〃 in the eyes of my friend
Nechludoff (who looked upon distinctions in University
examinations as a matter of first…rate importance)had it not
been for all these things; I say; the spring and my new freedom
would have combined to make me forget everything I had ever
learnt; and so to go through the examinations to no purpose
whatsoever。
X
THE EXAMINATION IN HISTORY
ON the 16th of April I entered; for the first time; and under the
wing of St。 Jerome; the great hall of the University。 I had
driven there with St。 Jerome in our smart phaeton and wearing the
first frockcoat of my life; while the whole of my other clothes
even down to my socks and linenwere new and of a grander sort。
When a Swiss waiter relieved me of my greatcoat; and I stood
before him in all the beauty of my attire; I felt almost sorry to
dazzle him so。 Yet I had no sooner entered the bright; carpeted;
crowded hall; and caught sight of hundreds of other young men in
gymnasium 'The Russian gymnasium = the English grammar or
secondary school。' uniforms or frockcoats (of whom but a few
threw me an indifferent glance); as well as; at the far end; of
some solemn…looking professors who were seated on chairs or
walking carelessly about among some tables; than I at once became
disabused of the notion that I should attract the general
attention; while the expression of my face; which at home; and
even in the vestibule of the University buildings; had denoted
only a kind of vague regret that I should have to present so
important and distinguished an appearance; became exchanged for
an expression of the most acute nervousness and dejection。
However; I soon picked up again when I perceived sitting at one
of the desks a very badly; untidily dressed gentleman who;
though not really old; was almost entirely grey。 He was occupying
a seat quite at the back of the hall and a little apart from the
rest; so I hastened to sit down beside him; and then fell to
looking at the candidates for examination; and to forming
conclusions about them。 Many different figures and faces were
there to be seen there; yet; in my opinion; they all seemed to
divide themselves into three classes。 First of all; there were
youths like myself; attending for examination in the company of
their parents or tutors。 Among such I could see the youngest Iwin
(accompanied by Frost) and Ilinka Grap (accompanied by his old
father)。 All youths of this class wore the early beginnings of
beards; sported prominent linen; sat quietly in their places; and
never opened the books and notebooks which they had brought with
them; but gazed at the professors and examination tables with
ill…concealed nervousness。 The second class of candidates were
young men in gymnasium uniforms。 Several of them had attained to
the dignity of shaving; and most of them knew one another。 They
talked loudly; called the professors by their names and surnames;
occupied themselves in getting their subjects ready; exchanged
notebooks; climbed over desks; fetched themselves pies and
sandwiches from the vestibule; and ate them then and there merely
lowering their heads to the level of a desk for propriety's sake。
Lastly; the third class of candidates (which seemed a small one)
consisted of oldish mensome of them in frock coats; but the
majority in jackets; and with no linen to be seen。 These
preserved a serious demeanour; sat by themselves; and had a very
dingy look。 The man who had afforded me consolation by being
worse dressed than myself belonged to this class。 Leaning forward
upon his elbows; and running his fingers through his grey;
dishevelled hair as he read some book or another; he had thrown
me only a momentary glanceand that not a very friendly one
from a pair of glittering eyes。 Then; as I sat down; he had
frowned grimly; and stuck a shiny elbow out to prevent me from
coming any nearer。 On the other hand; the gymnasium men were
over…sociable; and I felt rather afraid of their proximity。 One
of them did not hesitate to thrust a book into my hands; saying;
〃Give that to that fellow over there; will you?〃 while another
of them exclaimed as he pushed past me; 〃By your leave; young
fellow!〃 and a third made use of my shoulder as a prop when he
wanted to scramble over a desk。 All this seemed to me a little
rough and unpleasant; for I looked upon myself as immensely
superior to such fellows; and considered that they ought not to
treat me with such familiarity。 At length; the names began to be
called out。 The gymnasium men walked out boldly; answered their
questions (apparently) well; and came back looking cheerful。 My
own class of candidates were much more diffident; as well as
appeared to answer worse。 Of the oldish men; some answered well;
and some very poorly。 When the name 〃Semenoff 〃 was called out my
neighbour with the grey hair and glittering eyes jostled me
roughly; stepped over my legs; and went up to one of the
examiners' tables。 It was plain from the aspect of the professors
that he answered well and with assurance; yet; on returning to
his place; he did not wait to see where he was placed on the
list; but quietly collected his notebooks and departed。 Several
times I shuddered at the sound of the voice calling out the
names; but my turn did not come in exact alphabetical order;
though already names had begun to be called beginning with 〃I。〃
〃Ikonin and Tenieff!〃 suddenly shouted some one from the
professors' end of the hall。
〃Go on; Ikonin! You are being called;〃 said a tall; red…faced
gymnasium student near me。 〃But who is this BARtenieff or
MORtenieff or somebody? I don't know him。〃
〃It must be you;〃 whispered St。 Jerome loudly in my ear。
〃MY name is IRtenieff;〃 I said to the red…faced student。 〃Do you
think that was the name they were calling out?〃
〃Yes。 Why on earth don't you go up? 〃 he replied。 〃Lord; what a
dandy!〃 he added under his breath; yet not so quietly but that I
failed to hear the words as they came wafted to me from below the
desk。 In front of me walked Ikonina tall young man of about
twenty…five; who was one of those whom I had classed as oldish
men。 He wore a tight brown frockcoat and a blue satin tie; and
had wisps of flaxen hair carefully brushed over his collar in the
peasant style。 His appearance had already caugh
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