the dwelling place of ligh-第72部分

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it。〃

〃Janet；　I　swear　I'll　care　for　you　as　no　woman　was　ever　cared　for。　　For
God's　sake　listen　to　me；　give　me　a　chance；　forgive　me！〃　　He　seized　her
arm；　she　struggled；　gently　but　persistently；　to　free　herself　from　his
hold。

〃Let　me　go；　please。〃　　All　the　passionate　anger　had　gone　out　of　her；　and
she　spoke　in　a　monotone；　as　one　under　hypnosis；　dominated　by　a　resolution
which；　for　the　present　at　least；　he　was　powerless　to　shake。

〃But　to…morrow？〃　he　pleaded。　　〃You'll　let　me　see　you　to…morrow；　when
you've　had　time　to　think　it　over；　when　you　realize　that　I　love　you　and
want　you；　that　I　haven't　meant　to　be　cruelthat　you've　misjudged　me
thought　I　was　a　different　kind　of　a　man。　　I　don't　blame　you　for　that；　I
guess　something　happened　to　make　you　believe　it。　　I've　got　enemies。　　For
the　sake　of　the　child；　Janet；　if　for　nothing　else；　you'll　come　back　to
me！　　You'reyou're　tired　tonight；　you're　not　yourself。　　I　don't　wonder；
after　all　you've　been　through。　　If　you'd　only　come　to　me　before！　　God
knows　what　I've　suffered；　too！〃

〃Let　me　go；　please；〃　she　repeated；　and　this　time；　despairingly；　he　obeyed
her；　a　conviction　of　her　incommuy　nica；bility　overwhelming　him。　　He
turned　and；　fumbling　with　the　key；　unlocked　the　door　and　opened　it。
〃I'll　see　you　to…morrow；〃　he　faltered　once　more；　and　watched　her　as　she
went　through　the　darkened　outer　room　until　she　gained　the　lighted　hallway
beyond　and　disappeared。　　Her　footsteps　died　away　into　silence。　　He　was
trembling。　　For　several　minutes　he　stood　where　she　had　left　him；　tortured
by　a　sense　of　his　inability　to　act；　to　cope　with　this；　the　great　crisis
of　his　life；　when　suddenly　the　real　significance　of　that　strange　last
look　in　her　eyes　was　borne　home　to　him。　　And　he　had　allowed　her　to　go　out
into　the　streets　alone！　　Seizing　his　hat　and　coat；　he　fairly　ran　out　of
the　office　and　down　the　stairs　and　across　the　bridge。

〃Which　way　did　that　young　lady　go？〃　he　demanders　of　the　sergeant。

〃Whyug　West　Street；　Mr。　Ditmar。〃

He　remembered　where　Filhnore　Street　was；　he　had；　indeed；　sought　it　out
one　evening　in　the　hope　of　meeting　her。　　He　hurried　toward　it　now；　his
glance　strained　ahead　to　catch　sight　of　her　figure　under　a　lamp。　　But　he
reached　Fillmore　Street　without　overtaking　her；　and　in　the　rain　he　stood
gazing　at　the　mean　houses　there；　wondering　in　which　of　them　she　lived；
and　whether　she　had　as　yet　come　home。。。。

After　leaving　Ditmar　Janet；　probably　from　force　of　habit；　had　indeed　gone
through　West　Street；　and　after　that　she　walked　on　aimlessly。　　It　was
better　to　walk　than　to　sit　alone　in　torment；　to　be　gnawed　by　that　Thing
from　which　she　had　so　desperately　attempted　to　escape；　and　failed。　　She
tried　to　think　why　she　had　failed。。。。　　Though　the　rain　fell　on　her
cheeks；　her　mouth　was　parched；　and　this　dryness　of　her　palate；　this
physical　sense　of　lightness；　almost　of　dizziness；　were　intimately　yet
incomprehensibly　part　and　parcel　of　the　fantastic　moods　into　which　she
floated。　　It　was　as　though；　in　trying　to　solve　a　problem；　she　caught
herself　from　time　to　time　falling　off　to　sleep。　　In　her　waking　moments
she　was　terror…stricken。　　Scarce　an　hour　had　passed　since；　in　a　terrible
exaltation　at　having　found　a　solution；　she　had　gone　to　Ditmar's　office　in
the　mill。　　What　had　happened　to　stay　her？　　It　was　when　she　tried　to　find
the　cause　of　the　weakness　that　so　abruptly　had　overtaken　her；　or　to　cast
about　for　a　plan　to　fit　the　new　predicament　to　which　her　failure　had
sentenced　her；　that　the　fantasies　intruded。　　She　heard　Ditmar　speaking；
the　arguments　were　curiously　familiarbut　they　were　not　Ditmar's！　　They
were　her　father's；　and　now　it　was　Edward's　voice　to　which　she　listened；
he　was　telling　her　how　eminently　proper　it　was　that　she　should　marry
Ditmar；　because　of　her　Bumpus　blood。　　And　this　made　her　laugh。。。。　　Again；
Ditmar　was　kissing　her　hair。　　He　had　often　praised　it。　　She　had　taken　it
down　and　combed　it　out　for　him；　it　was　like　a　cloud；　he　saidso　fine；
its　odour　made　him　faintand　then　the　odour　changed；　became　that　of　the
detested　perfume　of　Miss　Lottie　Myers！　　Even　that　made　Janet　smile！　　But
Ditmar　was　strong；　he　was　powerful；　he　was　a　Fact；　why　not　go　back　to　him
and　let　him　absorb　and　destroy　her？　　That　annihilation　would　be　joy。。。。

It　could　not　have　been　much　later　than　seven　o'clock　when　she　found
herself　opposite　the　familiar；　mulberry…shingled　Protestant　church。　　The
light　from　its　vestibule　made　a　gleaming　square　on　the　wet　sidewalk；　and
into　this　area；　from　the　surrounding　darkness；　came　silhouetted　figures
of　men　and　women　holding　up　umbrellas；　some　paused　for　a　moment's　chat；
their　voices　subdued　by　an　awareness　of　the　tabernacle。　　At　the　sight　of
this　tiny　congregation　something　stirred　within　her。　　She　experienced　a
twinge　of　surprise　at　the　discovery　that　other　people　in　the　world；　in
Hampton；　were　still　leading　tranquil；　untormented　existences。　　They　were
contented；　prosperous；　stupid；　beyond　any　need　of　help　from　God；　and　yet
they　were　going　to　prayer…meeting　to　ask　something！　　He　refused　to　find
her　in　the　dark　streets。　　Would　she　find　Him　if　she　went　in　there？　　and
would　He　help　her？

The　bell　in　the　tower　began　to　clang；　with　heavy；　relentless　strokes
like　physical　blows　from　which　she　flinchedeach　stirring　her　reluctant；
drowsy　soul　to　a　quicker　agony。　　From　the　outer　blackness　through　which
she　fled　she　gazed　into　bright　rooms　of　homes　whose　blinds　were　left
undrawn；　as　though　to　taunt　and　mock　the　wanderer。　　She　was　an　outcast！
Who　henceforth　would　receive　her　save　those；　unconformed　and
unconformable；　sentenced　to　sin　in　this　realm　of　blackness？　　Henceforth
from　all　warmth　and　love　she　was　banished。。。。　　In　the　middle　of　the
Stanley　Street　bridge　she　stopped　to　lean　against　the　wet　rail；　the　mill
lights　were　scattered；　dancing　points　of　fire　over　the　invisible　swift
waters；　and　she　raised　her　eyes　presently　to　the　lights　themselves；
seeking　one　unconsciouslyDitmar's！　　Yes；　it　was　his　she　sought；　though
it　was　so　distant；　sometimes　it　seemed　to　burn　like　a　red　star；　and　then
to　flicker　and　disappear。　　She　could　not　be　sure。。。。　　Something　chill　and
steely　was　in　the　pocket　of　her　coatit　made　a　heavy　splash　in　the　water
when　she　dropped　it。　　The　river　could　not　be　so　very　cold！　　She　wished
she　could　go　down　like　that　into　forgetfulness。　　But　she　couldn't。。。。
Where　was　Lise　now？。。。　　It　would　be　so　easy　just　to　drop　over　that
parapet　and　be　whirled　away；　and　down　and　down。　　Why　couldn't　she？　　Well；
it　was　becausebecauseshe　was　going　to　have　a　child。　　Well；　if　she　had
a　child　to　take　care　of；　she　would　not　be　so　lonelyshe　would　have
something　to　love。　　She　loved　it　now；　as　though　she　felt　it　quickening
within　her；　she　wanted　it；　to　lavish　on　it　all　of　a　starved　affection。
She　seemed　actually　to　feel　in　her　arms　its　soft　little　body　pressed
against　her。　　Claude　Ditmar's　child！　　And　she　suddenly　recalled；　as　an
incident　of　the　remote　past；　that　she　had　told　him　she　wanted　it！

This　tense　craving　for　it　she　felt　now　was　somehow　the　answer　to　an
expressed　wish　which　had　astonished　her。　　Perhaps　that　was　the　reason　why
she　had　failed　to　do　what　she　had　tried　to　do；　to　shoot　Ditmar　and
herself！　　It　was　Ditmar's　child；　Ditmar's　and　hers！　　He　had　loved　her；
long　ago；　and　just　nowwas　it　just　now？he　had　said　he　loved　her　still；
he　had　wanted　to　marry　her。　　Then　why　had　she　run　away　from　him？　　Why　had
she　taken　the　child　into　outer　darkness；　to　be　born　without　a　father；
when　she　loved　Ditmar？　　Wasn't　that　one　reason　why　she　wanted　the　child？
why；　even　in　her　moments　of　passionate　hatred　she　recalled　having　been
surprised　by　some　such　yearning　as　now　came　over　her？　　And　for　an
interval；　a　brief　interval；　she　viewed　him　with　startling　clarity。　　Not
because　he　embodied　any　ideal　did　she　love　him；　but　because　he　was　what
he　was；　because　he　had　overcome　her　will；　dominated　and　possessed　her；
left　his　mark　upon　her　indelibly。　　He　had　been　cruel　to　her；　willing　to
sacrifice　her　to　his　way　of　life；　to　his　own　desires；　but　he　loved　her；
for　she　had　seen；　if　not　heeded　in　his　eyes　the　look　that　a　woman　never
mistakes！　　She　remembered　it　now；　and　the　light　in　his　window　glowed
again；　like　a　star　to　guide　her　back　to　him。　　It　was　drawing　her；
irresistibly。。。。

The　sentry　recognized　her　as　she　came　along　the　canal。

〃Mr。　Ditmar's　gone；〃　he　told　her。

〃Gone！〃　she　repeated。　　〃Gone！〃

〃Why；　yes；　about　five　minutes　after　you　left　he　was　looking　for　youhe
asked　the　sergeant　about　you。〃

〃Andhe　won't　be　back？〃

〃I　guess　not；〃　answered　the　man；　sympathetically。　　〃He　said　good…night。〃

She　turned　away　dully。　　The　strength　and　hope　with　which　she　had　been　so
unexpectedly　infused　while　gazing　from　the　bridge　at　his　window　had
suddenly　ebbed；　her　legs　ached；　her　feet　were　wet；　and　she　shivered；
though　her　forehead　burned。　　The　world　became　distorted；　people　flitted
past　her　like　weird　figures　of　a　dream；　the　myriad　lights　of　Faber　Street
were　blurred　and　whirled　in　company　with　the　electric　signs。　　Seeking　to
escape　from　their　confusion　she　entered　a　side　street　leading　north；　only
to　be　forcibly　seized　by　some　one　who　darted　after　her　from　the　sidewalk。

〃Excuse　me；　but　you　didn't　see　that　automobile；〃　he　said；　as　he　released
her。

Shaken；　she　went　on　through　several　streets　to　find　herself　at　length
confronted　by　a　pair　of　shabby　doors　that　looked　familiar；　and　pushing
one　of　them　open；　baited　at　the　bottom　of　a　stairway　to　listen。　　The
sound　of　cheerful　voices　camp　to　her　from　above；　she　started　to　climb
even　with　the　help　of　the　rail　it　seemed　as　if　she　would　never　reach　the
top　of　that　stairway。　　But　at　last　she　stood　in　a　loft　where　long　tables
were　set；　and　at　the　end　of　one　of　these；　sorting　out　spoons　and　dishes；
three　women　and　a　man　were　chatting　and　laughing　together。　　Janet　was
troubled　because　she　could　not　remember　who　the　man　was；　although　she
recognized　his　bold　profile；　his　voice　and　gestures。。。。　　At　length　one　of
the　women　said　something　in　a　low　tone；　and　he　looked　around　quickly　and
crossed　the　room。

〃Why；　it's　you！〃　he　said；　and　suddenly　she　recalled　his　name。

〃Mr。　Insall！〃

But　his　swift　glance　had　noticed　the　expression　in　her　eyes；　the　sagged
co