the dwelling place of ligh-第76部分

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night　I　came　to　youI　got　my　father's　pistol　and　went　to　the　mill　to
shoot　him。　　I　was　going　to　shoot　myself；　too。〃

〃Oh！〃　Mrs。　Maturity　gasped。　　She　gave　a　quick　glance　of　sheer　amazement
at　Janet；　who　did　not　seem　to　notice　it；　who　was　speaking　objectively；
apparently　with　no　sense　of　the　drama　in　her　announcement。

〃But　I　couldn't；〃　she　went　on。　　〃At　the　time　I　didn't　know　why　I
couldn't；　but　when　I　went　out　I　understood　it　was　because　I　wanted　the
child；　because　it　was　his　child。　　And　though　he　was　almost　out　of　his
head；　he　seemed　so　glad　because　I'd　come　back　to　him；　and　said　he'd　marry
me　right　away。〃

〃And　you　refused！〃　exclaimed　Mrs。　Maturity。

〃Well；　you　see；　I　was　out　of　my　head；　too；　I　still　thought　I　hated　him
but　I'd　loved　him　all　the　time。　　It　was　funny！　　He　had　lots　of　faults；
and　he　didn't　seem　to　understand　or　care　much　about　how　poor　people　feel；
though　he　was　kind　to　them　in　the　mills。　　He　might　have　come　to
understandI　don't　knowit　wasn't　because　he　didn't　want　to；　but
because　he　was　so　separated　from　them；　I　guess；　and　he　was　so　interested
in　what　he　was　doing。　　He　had　ambition；　he　thought　everything　of　that
mill；　he'd　made　it。　　I　don't　know　why　I　loved　him；　it　wasn't　because　he
was　fine；　like　Mr。　Insall；　but　he　was　strong　and　brave；　and　he　needed　me
and　just　took　me。〃

〃One　never　knows！〃　　Augusta　Maturity　murmured。

〃I　went　back　that　night　to　tell　him　I'd　marry　himand　he'd　gone。　　Then　I
came　to　you；　to　the　soup　kitchen。　　I　didn't　mean　to　bother　you；　I've
never　quite　understood　how　I　got　there。　　I　don't　care　so　much　what
happens　to　me；　now　that　I've　told　you；〃　Janet　added。　　〃It　was　mean；　not
to　tell　you；　but　I'd　never　had　anything　like　thiswhat　you　were　giving
meand　I　wanted　all　I　could　get。〃

〃I'm　thankful　you　did　come　to　us！〃　　Augusta　Maturin　managed　to　reply。

〃You　mean？〃　Janet　exclaimed。

〃I　mean；　that　we　who　have　been　morefortunate　don't　look　at　these　things
quite　as　we　used　to；　that　the　world　is　less　censorious；　is　growing　to
understand　situations　it　formerly　condemned。　　AndI　don't　know　what　kind
of　a　monster　you　supposed　me　to　be；　Janet。〃

〃Oh；　Mrs。　Maturin！〃

〃I　mean　that　I'm　a　woman；　too；　my　dear；　although　my　life　has　been
sheltered。　　Otherwise；　what　has　happened　to　you　might　have　happened　to
me。　　And　besides；　I　am　what　is　called　unconventional；　I　have　little
theories　of　my　own　about　life；　and　now　that　you　have　told　me　everything　I
understand　you　and　love　you　even　more　than　I　did　before。〃

Save　that　her　breath　came　fast；　Janet　lay　still　against　the　cushions　of
the　armchair。　　She　was　striving　to　grasp　the　momentous　and　unlooked…for
fact　of　her　friend's　unchanged　attitude。　　Then　she　asked：

〃Mrs。　Maturin；　do　you　believe　in　God？〃

Augusta　Maturin　was　startled　by　the　question。　　〃I　like　to　think　of　Him　as
light；　Janet；　and　that　we　are　plants　seeking　to　grow　toward　Himno
matter　from　what　dark　crevice　we　may　spring。　　Even　in　our　mistakes　and
sins　we　are　seeking　Him；　for　these　are　ignorances；　and　as　the　world
learns　more；　we　shall　know　Him　better　and　better。　　It　is　natural　to　long
for　happiness；　and　happiness　is　self…realization；　and　self…realization　is
knowledge　and　light。〃

〃That　is　beautiful；〃　said　Janet　at　length。

〃It　is　all　we　can　know　about　God；〃　said　Mrs。　Maturin；　〃but　it　is　enough。〃
She　had　been　thinking　rapidly。　　〃And　now；〃　she　went　on；　〃we　shall　have　to
consider　what　is　to　be　done。　　I　don't　pretend　that　the　future　will　be
easy；　but　it　will　not　be　nearly　as　hard　for　you　as　it　might　have　been；
since　I　am　your　friend；　and　I　do　not　intend　to　desert　you。　　I'm　sure　you
will　not　let　it　crush　you。　　In　the　first　place；　you　will　have　something
to　go　on　withmental　resources；　I　mean；　for　which　you　have　a　natural
craving；　books　and　art　and　nature；　the　best　thoughts　and　the　best
interpretations。　　We　can　give　you　these。　　And　you　will　have　your　child；
and　work　to　do；　for　I'm　sure　you're　industrious。　　And　of　course　I'll　keep
your　secret；　my　dear。〃

〃Buthow？〃　Janet　exclaimed。

〃I've　arranged　it　all。　　You'll　stay　here　this　spring；　you'll　come　to　my
house　on　Monday；　just　as　we　planned；　and　later　on　you　may　go　to　Mrs。
Case's；　if　it　will　make　you　feel　more　independent；　and　do　typewriting
until　the　spring　term　is　over。　　I've　told　you　about　my　little　camp　away
up　in　Canada；　in　the　heart　of　the　wilderness；　where　I　go　in　summer。
We'll　stay　there　until　the　autumn；　until　your　baby　comes；　and；　after
that；　I　know　it　won't　be　difficult　to　get　you　a　position　in　the　west；
where　you　can　gain　your　living　and　have　your　child。　　I　have　a　good　friend
in　California　who　I'm　sure　will　help　you。　　And　even　if　your　secret　should
eventually　be　discoveredwhich　is　not　probableyou　will　have　earned
respect；　and　society　is　not　as　stern　as　it　used　to　be。　　And　you　will
always　have　me　for　a　friend。　　There；　that's　the　bright　side　of　it。　　Of
course　it　isn't　a　bed　of　roses；　but　I've　lived　long　enough　to　observe
that　the　people　who　lie　on　roses　don't　always　have　the　happiest　lives。
Whenever　you　want　help　and　advice；　I　shall　always　be　here；　and　from　time
to　time　I'll　be　seeing　you。　　Isn't　that　sensible？〃

〃Oh；　Mrs。　Maturinif　you　really　want　mestill？〃

〃I　do　want　you；　Janet；　even　more　than　I　didbefore；　because　you　need　me
more；〃　Mrs。　Maturin　replied；　with　a　sincerity　that　could　not　fail　to
bring　conviction。。。。




CHAPTER　XXI

As　the　spring　progressed；　Janet　grew　stronger；　became　well　again；　and
through　the　kindness　of　Dr。　Ledyard；　the　principal；　was　presently
installed　with　a　typewriter　in　a　little　room　in　an　old　building　belonging
to　the　Academy　in　what　was　called　Bramble　Street；　and　not　far　from　the
Common。　　Here；　during　the　day；　she　industriously　copied　manuscripts'　or；
from　her　notebook；　letters　dictated　by　various　members　of　the　faculty。
And　she　was　pleased　when　they　exclaimed　delightedly　at　the　flawless
copies　and　failed　to　suspect　her　of　frequent　pilgrimages　to　the
dictionary　in　the　library　in　order　to　familiarize　herself　with　the
meaning　and　manner　of　spelling　various　academic　words。　　At　first　it　was
almost　bewildering　to　find　herself　in　some　degree　thus　sharing　the
Silliston　community　life；　and　an　unpremeditated　attitude　toward　these
learned　ones；　high　priests　of　the　muses　she　had　so　long　ignorantly
worshipped；　accounted　perhaps　for　a　great　deal　in　their　attitude　toward
her。　　Her　fervour；　repressed　yet　palpable；　was　like　a　flame　burning
before　their　altarsa　flattery　to　which　the　learned；　being　human；　are
quick　to　respond。　　Besides；　something　of　her　history　was　known；　and　she
was　of　a　type　to　incite　a　certain　amount　of　interest　amongst　these
discerning　ones。　　Often；　after　she　had　taken　their　dictation；　or　brought
their　manuscripts　home；　they　detained　her　in　conversation。　　In　short；
Silliston　gave　its　approval　to　this　particular　experiment　of　Augusta
Maturin。　　As　for　Mrs。　Maturin　herself；　her　feeling　was　one　of　controlled
pride　not　unmixed　with　concern；　always　conscious　as　she　was　of　the　hidden
element　of　tragedy　in　the　play　she　had　so　lovingly　staged。　　Not　that　she
had　any　compunction　in　keeping　Janet's　secret；　even　from　Insall；　but
sometimes　as　she　contemplated　it　the　strings　of　her　heart　grew　tight。
Silliston　was　so　obviously　where　Janet　belonged；　she　could　not　bear　the
thought　of　the　girl　going　out　again　from　this　sheltered　spot　into　a
chaotic　world　of　smoke　and　struggle。

Janet's　own　feelings　were　a　medley。　　It　was　not；　of　course；　contentment
she　knew　continually；　nor　even　peace；　although　there　were　moments　when
these　stole　over　her。　　There　were　moments；　despite　her　incredible　good
fortune；　of　apprehension　when　she　shrank　from　the　future；　when　fear
assailed　her；　moments　of　intense　sadness　at　the　thought　of　leaving　her
friends；　of　leaving　this　enchanted　place　now　that　miraculously　she　had
found　it；　moments　of　stimulation；　of　exaltation；　when　she　forgot。　　Her
prevailing　sense；　as　she　found　herself　again；　was　of　thankfulness　and
gratitude；　of　determination　to　take　advantage　of；　to　drink　in　all　of　this
wonderful　experience；　lest　any　precious　memory　be　lost。

Like　a　jewel　gleaming　with　many　facets；　each　sunny　day　was　stored　and
treasured。　　As　she　went　from　Mrs。　Case's　boarding…house　forth　to　her
work；　the　sweet；　sharp　air　of　these　spring　mornings　was　filled　with
delicious　smells　of　new　things；　of　new　flowers　and　new　grass　and　tender；
new　leaves　of　myriad　shades；　bronze　and　crimson；　fuzzy　white；　primrose；
and　emerald　green。　　And　sometimes　it　seemed　as　though　the　pink　and　white
clouds　of　the　little　orchards　were　wafted　into　swooning　scents。　　She
loved　best　the　moment　when　the　Common　came　in　view；　when　through　the　rows
of　elms　the　lineaments　of　those　old　houses　rose　before　her；　lineaments
seemingly　long　familiar；　as　of　old　and　trusted　friends；　and　yet　ever
stirring　new　harmonies　and　new　visions。　　Here；　in　their　midst；　she
belonged；　and　here；　had　the　world　been　otherwise　ordained；　she　might　have
lived　on　in　one　continuous；　shining　spring。　　At　the　corner　of　the　Common；
foursquare；　ample；　painted　a　straw　colour　trimmed　with　white；　with　its
high　chimneys　and　fan…shaped　stairway　window；　its　balustraded　terrace
porch　open　to　the　sky；　was　the　eighteenth　century　mansion　occupied　by　Dr。
Ledyard。　　What　was　the　secret　of　its　flavour？　　And　how　account　for　the
sense　of　harmony　inspired　by　another　dwelling；　built　during　the　term　of
the　second　Adams；　set　in　a　frame　of　maples　and　shining　white　in　the
morning　sun？　　Its　curved　portico　was　capped　by　a　wrought…iron　railing；
its　long　windows　were　touched　with　purple；　and　its　low　garretset　like　a
deckhouse　on　the　wide　roofsuggested　hidden　secrets　of　the　past。　　Here　a
Motley　or　a　Longfellow　might　have　dwelt；　a　Bryant　penned　his
〃Thanatopsis。〃　　Farther　on；　chequered　by　shade；　stood　the　quaint　brick
row　of　professors'　houses；　with　sloping　eaves　and　recessed　entrances　of
granitea　subject　for　an　old　English　print。。。。　　Along　the　border　of　the
Common　were　interspersed　among　the　ancient　dormitories　and　halls　the　new
and　dignified　buildings　of　plum…coloured　brick　that　still　preserved　the
soul　of　Silliston。　　And　to　it　the　soul　of　Janet　responded。

In　the　late　afternoon；　when　her　tasks　were　finished；　Janet　would　cross
the　Common　to　Mrs。　Maturin'sa　dwelling　typical　of