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Christian　Science

by　Mark　Twain




CHRISTIAN　SCIENCE

PREFACE

BOOK　I　of　this　volume　occupies　a　quarter　or　a　third　of　the　volume；
and　consists　of　matter　written　about　four　years　ago；　but　not　hitherto
published　in　book　form。　　It　contained　errors　of　judgment　and　of　fact。
I　have　now　corrected　these　to　the　best　of　my　ability　and　later　knowledge。


Book　II　was　written　at　the　beginning　of　1903；　and　has　not　until　now
appeared　in　any　form。　　In　it　my　purpose　has　been　to　present　a　character…
portrait　of　Mrs。　Eddy；　drawn　from　her　own　acts　and　words　solely；　not　from
hearsay　and　rumor；　and　to　explain　the　nature　and　scope　of　her　Monarchy；
as　revealed　in　the　Laws　by　which　she　governs　it；　and　which　she　wrote
herself。

MARK　TWAIN
NEW　YORK。　　January；　1907。





BOOK　I　CHRISTIAN　SCIENCE

　　　　　〃It　is　the　first　time　since　the　dawn…days　of　Creation　that
　　　　　a　Voice　has　gone　crashing　through　space　with　such
　　　　　placid　and　complacent　confidence　and　command。〃



CHAPTER　I
VIENNA　1899。

This　last　summer；　when　I　was　on　my　way　back　to　Vienna　from　the　Appetite…
Cure　in　the　mountains；　I　fell　over　a　cliff　in　the　twilight；　and　broke
some　arms　and　legs　and　one　thing　or　another；　and　by　good　luck　was　found
by　some　peasants　who　had　lost　an　ass；　and　they　carried　me　to　the　nearest
habitation；　which　was　one　of　those　large；　low；　thatch…roofed　farm…houses；
with　apartments　in　the　garret　for　the　family；　and　a　cunning　little　porch
under　the　deep　gable　decorated　with　boxes　of　bright　colored　flowers　and
cats；　on　the　ground　floor　a　large　and　light　sitting…room；　separated　from
the　milch…cattle　apartment　by　a　partition；　and　in　the　front　yard　rose
stately　and　fine　the　wealth　and　pride　of　the　house；　the　manure…pile。
That　sentence　is　Germanic；　and　shows　that　I　am　acquiring　that　sort　of
mastery　of　the　art　and　spirit　of　the　language　which　enables　a　man　to
travel　all　day　in　one　sentence　without　changing　cars。

There　was　a　village　a　mile　away；　and　a　horse　doctor　lived　there；　but
there　was　no　surgeon。　　It　seemed　a　bad　outlook；　mine　was　distinctly　a
surgery　case。　　Then　it　was　remembered　that　a　lady　from　Boston　was
summering　in　that　village；　and　she　was　a　Christian　Science　doctor　and
could　cure　anything。　　So　she　was　sent　for。　　It　was　night　by　this　time；
and　she　could　not　conveniently　come；　but　sent　word　that　it　was　no　matter；
there　was　no　hurry；　she　would　give　me　〃absent　treatment〃　now；　and　come
in　the　morning；　meantime　she　begged　me　to　make　myself　tranquil　and
comfortable　and　remember　that　there　was　nothing　the　matter　with　me。
I　thought　there　must　be　some　mistake。

〃Did　you　tell　her　I　walked　off　a　cliff　seventy…five　feet　high？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　struck　a　boulder　at　the　bottom　and　bounced？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　struck　another　one　and　bounced　again？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　struck　another　one　and　bounced　yet　again？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　broke　the　boulders？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃That　accounts　for　it；　she　is　thinking　of　the　boulders。　　Why　didn't　you
tell　her　I　got　hurt；　too？〃

〃I　did。　　I　told　her　what　you　told　me　to　tell　her：　that　you　were　now　but
an　incoherent　series　of　compound　fractures　extending　from　your　scalp…lock
to　your　heels；　and　that　the　comminuted　projections　caused　you　to　look
like　a　hat…rack。〃

〃And　it　was　after　this　that　she　wished　me　to　remember　that　there　was
nothing　the　matter　with　me？〃

〃Those　were　her　words。〃

〃I　do　not　understand　it。　　I　believe　she　has　not　diagnosed　the　case　with
sufficient　care。　　Did　she　look　like　a　person　who　was　theorizing；　or　did
she　look　like　one　who　has　fallen　off　precipices　herself　and　brings　to　the
aid　of　abstract　science　the　confirmations　of　personal　experience？〃

〃Bitte？〃

It　was　too　large　a　contract　for　the　Stubenmadchen's　vocabulary；　she
couldn't　call　the　hand。　　I　allowed　the　subject　to　rest　there；　and　asked
for　something　to　eat　and　smoke；　and　something　hot　to　drink；　and　a　basket
to　pile　my　legs　in；　but　I　could　not　have　any　of　these　things。

〃Why？〃

〃She　said　you　would　need　nothing　at　all。〃

〃But　I　am　hungry　and　thirsty；　and　in　desperate　pain。〃

〃She　said　you　would　have　these　delusions；　but　must　pay　no　attention　to
them。　　She　wants　you　to　particularly　remember　that　there　are　no　such
things　as　hunger　and　thirst　and　pain。''

〃She　does　does　she？〃

〃It　is　what　she　said。〃

Does　she　seem　to　be　in　full　and　functionable　possession　of　her
intellectual　plant；　such　as　it　is？〃

〃Bitte？〃

〃Do　they　let　her　run　at　large；　or　do　they　tie　her　up？〃

〃Tie　her　up？〃

〃There；　good…night；　run　along；　you　are　a　good　girl；　but　your　mental
Geschirr　is　not　arranged　for　light　and　airy　conversation。　　Leave　me　to　my
delusions。〃




CHAPTER　II

It　was　a　night　of　anguish；　of　course…at　least；　I　supposed　it　was；　for　it
had　all　the　symptoms　of　itbut　it　passed　at　last；　and　the　Christian
Scientist　came；　and　I　was　glad　She　was　middle…aged；　and　large　and　bony；
and　erect；　and　had　an　austere　face　and　a　resolute　jaw　and　a　Roman　beak
and　was　a　widow　in　the　third　degree；　and　her　name　was　Fuller。　　I　was
eager　to　get　to　business　and　find　relief；　but　she　was　distressingly
deliberate。　　She　unpinned　and　unhooked　and　uncoupled　her　upholsteries　one
by　one；　abolished　the　wrinkles　with　a　flirt　of　her　hand；　and　hung　the
articles　up；　peeled　off　her　gloves　and　disposed　of　them；　got　a　book　out
of　her　hand…bag；　then　drew　a　chair　to　the　bedside；　descended　into　it
without　hurry；　and　I　hung　out　my　tongue。　　She　said；　with　pity　but　without
passion：

〃Return　it　to　its　receptacle。　　We　deal　with　the　mind　only；　not　with　its
dumb　servants。〃

I　could　not　offer　my　pulse；　because　the　connection　was　broken；　but　she
detected　the　apology　before　I　could　word　it；　and　indicated　by　a　negative
tilt　of　her　head　that　the　pulse　was　another　dumb　servant　that　she　had　no
use　for。　　Then　I　thought　I　would　tell　her　my　symptoms　and　how　I　felt；　so
that　she　would　understand　the　case；　but　that　was　another　inconsequence；
she　did　not　need　to　know　those　things；　moreover；　my　remark　about　how　I
felt　was　an　abuse　of　language；　a　misapplication　of　terms。

〃One　does　not　feel；〃　she　explained；　〃there　is　no　such　thing　as　feeling：
therefore；　to　speak　of　a　non…existent　thing　as　existent　is　a
contradiction。　　Matter　has　no　existence；　nothing　exists　but　mind；　the
mind　cannot　feel　pain；　it　can　only　imagine　it。〃

〃But　if　it　hurts；　just　the　same〃

〃It　doesn't。　　A　thing　which　is　unreal　cannot　exercise　the　functions　of
reality。　　Pain　is　unreal；　hence；　pain　cannot　hurt。〃

In　making　a　sweeping　gesture　to　indicate　the　act　of　shooing　the　illusion
of　pain　out　of　the　mind；　she　raked　her　hand　on　a　pin　in　her　dress；　said
〃Ouch！〃　and　went　tranquilly　on　with　her　talk。　　〃You　should　never　allow
yourself　to　speak　of　how　you　feel；　nor　permit　others　to　ask　you　how　you
are　feeling；　you　should　never　concede　that　you　are　ill；　nor　permit　others
to　talk　about　disease　or　pain　or　death　or　similar　nonexistences　in　your
presence。　　Such　talk　only　encourages　the　mind　to　continue　its　empty
imaginings。〃　　Just　at　that　point　the　Stuben…madchen　trod　on　the　cat's
tail；　and　the　cat　let　fly　a　frenzy　of　cat…profanity。　　I　asked；　with
caution：

〃Is　a　cat's　opinion　about　pain　valuable？〃

〃A　cat　has　no　opinion；　opinions　proceed　from　mind　only；　the　lower
animals；　being　eternally　perishable；　have　not　been　granted　mind；　without
mind；　opinion　is　impossible。〃

〃She　merely　imagined　she　felt　a　painthe　cat？〃

〃She　cannot　imagine　a　pain；　for　imagining　is　an　effect　of　mind；　without
mind；　there　is　no　imagination。　　A　cat　has　no　imagination。〃

〃Then　she　had　a　real　pain？〃

〃I　have　already　told　you　there　is　no　such　thing　as　real　pain。〃

〃It　is　strange　and　interesting。　　I　do　wonder　what　was　the　matter　with　the
cat。　　Because；　there　being　no　such　thing　as　a　real　pain；　and　she　not
being　able　to　imagine　an　imaginary　one；　it　would　seem　that　God　in　His
pity　has　compensated　the　cat　with　some　kind　of　a　mysterious　emotion
usable　when　her　tail　is　trodden　on　which；　for　the　moment；　joins　cat　and
Christian　in　one　common　brotherhood　of〃

She　broke　in　with　an　irritated

〃Peace！　　The　cat　feels　nothing；　the　Christian　feels　nothing。　　Your　empty
and　foolish　imaginings　are　profanation　and　blasphemy；　and　can　do　you　an
injury。　　It　is　wiser　and　better　and　holier　to　recognize　and　confess　that
there　is　no　such　thing　as　disease　or　pain　or　death。〃

〃I　am　full　of　imaginary　tortures；〃　I　said；　〃but　I　do　not　think　I　could　be
any　more　uncomfortable　if　they　were　real　ones。　　What　must　I　do　to　get　rid
of　them？〃

〃There　is　no　occasion　to　get　rid　of　them。　　since　they　do　not　exist。　　They
are　illusions　propagated　by　matter；　and　matter　has　no　existence；　there　is
no　such　thing　as　matter。〃

〃It　sounds　right　and　clear；　but　yet　it　seems　in　a　degree　elusive；　it
seems　to　slip　through；　just　when　you　think　you　are　getting　a　grip　on　it。〃

〃Explain。〃

〃Well；　for　instance：　if　there　is　no　such　thing　as　matter；　how　can　matter
propagate　things？〃

In　her　compassion　she　almost　smiled。　　She　would　have　smiled　if　there　were
any　such　thing　as　a　smile。

〃It　is　quite　simple；〃　she　said；　〃the　fundamental　propositions　of
Christian　Science　explain　it；　and　they　are　summarized　in　the　four
following　self…evident　propositions：
1。　　God　is　All　in　all。
2。　　God　is　good。　　Good　is　Mind
3。　　God；　Spirit；　being　all；　nothing　is　matter
4。　　Life；　God；　omnipotent　Good；　deny　death；　evil；　sin；　disease。

Therenow　you　see。〃

It　seemed　nebulous；　it　did　not　seem　to　say　anything　about　the　difficulty
in　handhow　non…existent　matter　can　propagate　illusions　I　said；　with
some　hesitancy：

〃Doesdoes　it　explain？〃

〃Doesn't　it？　　Even　if　read　backward　it　will　do　it。〃

With　a　budding　hope；　I　asked　her　to　do　it　backwards。

〃Very　well。　　Disease　sin　evil　death　deny　Good　omnipotent　God　life　matter
is　nothing　all　being　Spirit　God　Mind　is　Good　good　is　God　all　in　All　is
God。　　There　do　you　understand　now？

〃Ititwell；　it　is　plainer　than　it　was　before；　still　〃

〃Well？〃

〃Could　you　try　it　some　more　ways？〃

〃As　many　as　you　like；　it　always　means　the　same。　　Interchanged　in　any　way
you　please　it　cannot　be　made　to　mean　anything　different　from　what　it
means　when　put　in　any　other　way。　　Because　it　is　perfect。　　You　can　jumble
it　all　up；　and　it　makes　no　difference：　it　always　comes　out　the　way　it　was
bef