ragged lady, v2-第14部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！


that　our　actions　will　be　guided　aright；　if　we　seek　help？〃

〃Oh；　yesyes〃

〃And　that　if　we　do　not；　we　shall　stumble　in　our　ignorance？〃

〃I　don't　know。　　I　never　thought　of　that。〃

〃Never　thought　of　it〃

〃We　never　did　it　in　our　family。　　Father　always　said　that　if　we　really
wanted　to　do　right　we　could　find　the　way。〃　　Gregory　looked　daunted；　and
then　he　frowned　darkly。　　〃Are　you　provoked　with　me？　　Do　you　think　what
I　have　said　is　wrong？〃

〃No；　no！　　You　must　say　what　you　believe。　　It　would　be　double　hypocrisy　in
me　if　I　prevented　you。〃

〃But　I　would　do　it；　if　you　wanted　me　to；〃　she　said。

〃Oh；　for　me；　for　ME！〃　he　protested。　　〃I　will　try　to　tell　you　what　I　mean；
and　why　you　must　not；　for　that　very　reason。〃　　But　he　had　to　speak　of
himself；　of　the　miracle　of　finding　her　again　by　the　means　which　should
have　lost　her　to　him　forever；　and　of　the　significance　of　this。　　Then　it
appeared　to　him　that　he　could　not　reject　such　a　leading　without　error；
without　sin。　　〃Such　a　thing　could　not　have　merely　happened。〃

It　seemed　so　to　Clementina；　too；　she　eagerly　consented　that　this　was
something　they　must　think　of；　as　well。　　But　the　light　waned；　the　dark
thickened　in　the　room　before　he　left　her　to　do　so。　　Then　he　said
fervently；　〃We　must　not　doubt　that　everything　will　come　right；〃　and　his
words　seemed　an　effect　of　inspiration　to　them　both。




XXVII。

After　Gregory　was　gone　a　misgiving　began　in　Clementina's　mind；　which　grew
more　distinct；　through　all　the　difficulties　of　accounting　to　Mrs。　Lander
for　his　long　stay；　The　girl　could　see　that　it　was　with　an　obscure
jealousy　that　she　pushed　her　questions；　and　said　at　last；　〃That　Mr。
Hinkle　is　about　the　best　of　the　lot。　　He's　the　only　one　that's　eva　had
the　mannas　to　ask　after　me；　except　that　lo'd。　　He　did。〃

Clementina　could　not　pretend　that　Gregory　had　asked；　but　she　could　not
blame　him　for　a　forgetfulness　of　Mrs。　Lander　which　she　had　shared　with
him。　　This　helped　somehow　to　deepen　the　misgiving　which　followed　her　from
Mrs。　Lander's　bed　to　her　own；　and　haunted　her　far　into　the　night。　　She
could　escape　from　it　only　by　promising　herself　to　deal　with　it　the　first
thing　in　the　morning。　　She　did　this　in　terms　much　briefer　than　she
thought　she　could　have　commanded。　　She　supposed　she　would　have　to　write　a
very　long　letter；　but　she　came　to　the　end　of　all　she　need　say；　in　a　very
few　lines。

　　　　　DEAR　MR。　GREGORY：

　　　　　〃I　have　been　thinking　about　what　you　said　yesterday；　and　I　have　to
　　　　　tell　you　something。　　Then　you　can　do　what　is　right　for　both　of　us；
　　　　　you　will　know　better　than　I　can。　　But　I　want　you　to　understand　that
　　　　　if　I　go　with　you　in　your　missionary　life；　I　shall　do　it　for　you；　and
　　　　　not　for　anything　else。　　I　would　go　anywhere　and　live　anyhow　for　you；
　　　　　but　it　would　be　for　you；　I　do　not　believe　that　I　am　religious；　and　I
　　　　　know　that　I　should　not　do　it　for　religion。

　　　　　〃That　is　all；　but　I　could　not　get　any　peace　till　I　let　you　know　just
　　　　　how　I　felt。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃CLEMENTINA　CLAXON。〃

The　letter　went　early　in　the　morning；　though　not　so　early　but　it　was　put
in　Gregory's　hand　as　he　was　leaving　his　hotel　to　go　to　Mrs。　Lander's。　　He
tore　it　open；　and　read　it　on　the　way；　and　for　the　first　moment　it　seemed
as　if　it　were　Providence　leading　him　that　he　might　lighten　Clementina's
heart　of　its　doubts　with　the　least　delay。　　He　had　reasoned　that　if　she
would　share　for　his　sake　the　life　that　he　should　live　for　righteousness'
sake　they　would　be　equally　blest　in　it；　and　it　would　be　equally
consecrated　in　both。　　But　this　luminous　conclusion　faded　in　his　thought
as　he　hurried　on；　and　he　found　himself　in　her　presence　with　something
like　a　hope　that　she　would　be　inspired　to　help　him。

His　soul　lifted　at　the　sound　of　the　gay　voice　in　which　she　asked；　〃Did
you　get　my　letta？〃　and　it　seemed　for　the　instant　as　if　there　could　be　no
trouble　that　their　love　could　not　overcome。

〃Yes；〃　he　said；　and　he　put　his　arms　around　her；　but　with　a　provisionality
in　his　embrace　which　she　subtly　perceived。

〃And　what　did　you　think　of　it？〃　she　asked。　　〃Did　you　think　I　was　silly？〃

He　was　aware　that　she　had　trusted　him　to　do　away　her　misgiving。　　〃No；
no；〃　he　answered；　guiltily。　　〃Wiser　than　I　am；　always。　　II　want　to　talk
with　you　about　it；　Clementina。　　I　want　you　to　advise　me。〃

He　felt　her　shrink　from　him；　and　with　a　pang　he　opened　his　arms　to　free
her。　　But　it　was　right；　he　must。　　She　had　been　expecting　him　to　say　that
there　was　nothing　in　her　misgiving；　and　he　could　not　say　it。

〃Clementina；〃　he　entreated；　〃why　do　you　think　you　are　not　religious？〃

〃Why；　I　have　never　belonged　to　chu'ch；〃　she　answered　simply。　　He　looked
so　daunted；　that　she　tried　to　soften　the　blow　after　she　had　dealt　it。
〃Of　course；　I　always　went　to　chu'ch；　though　father　and　motha　didn't。
I　went　to　the　Episcopalto　Mr。　Richling's。　　But　I　neva　was　confirmed。〃

〃But…you　believe　in　God？〃

〃Why；　certainly！〃

〃And　in　the　Bible？〃

〃Why；　of　cou'se！〃

〃And　that　it　is　our　duty　to　bear　the　truth　to　those　who　have　never　heard
of　it？〃

〃I　know　that　is　the　way　you　feel　about　it；　but　I　am　not　certain　that　I
should　feel　so　myself　if　you　didn't　want　me　to。　　That's　what　I　got　to
thinking　about　last　night。〃　　She　added　hopefully；　〃But　perhaps　it　isn't
so　great　a　thing　as　I〃

〃It's　a　very　great　thing；〃　he　said；　and　from　standing　in　front　of　her；　he
now　sat　down　beyond　a　little　table　before　her　sofa。　　〃How　can　I　ask　you
to　share　my　life　if　you　don't　share　my　faith？〃

〃Why；　I　should　try　to　believe　everything　that　you　do；　of　cou'se。〃

〃Because　I　do？〃

〃Well…yes。〃

〃You　wring　my　heart！　　Are　you　willing　to　studyto　look　into　these
questionstoto〃　It　all　seemed　very　hopeless；　very　absurd；　but　she
answered　seriously：

〃Yes；　but　I　believe　it　would　all　come　back　to　just　where　it　is；　now。〃

〃What　you　say；　Clementina；　makes　me　so　happy；　but　it　ought　to　make　me
miserable！　　And　you　would　do　all　this；　be　all　this　for　me；　a　wretched　and
erring　creature　of　the　dust；　and　yet　not　do　it　forGod？〃

Clementina　could　only　say；　〃Perhaps　if　He　meant　me　to　do　it　for　Him；　He
would　have　made　me　want　to。　　He　made　you。〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Gregory；　and　for　a　long　time　he　could　not　say　any　more。　　He
sat　with　his　elbow　on　the　table；　and　his　head　against　his　lifted　hand。

〃You　see；〃　she　began；　gently；　〃I　got　to　thinking　that　even　if　I　eva　came
to　believe　what　you　wanted　me　to；　I　should　be　doing　it　after　all；　because
you　wanted　me　to〃

〃Yes；　yes；〃　he　answered；　desolately。　　〃There　is　no　way　out　of　it。　　If　you
only　hated　me；　Clementina；　despised　meI　don't　mean　that。　　But　if　you
were　not　so　good；　I　could　have　a　more　hope　for　youfor　myself。　　It's
because　you　are　so　good　that　I　can't　make　myself　wish　to　change　you；　and
yet　I　knowI　am　afraid　that　if　you　told　me　my　life　and　objects　were
wrong；　I　should　turn　from　them；　and　be　whatever　you　said。　　Do　you　tell　me
that？〃

〃No；　indeed！〃　cried　Clementina；　with　abhorrence。　　〃Then　I　should　despise
you。〃

He　seemed　not　to　heed　her。　　He　moved　his　lips　as　if　he　were　talking　to
himself；　and　he　pleaded；　〃What　shall　we　do？〃

〃We　must　try　to　think　it　out；　and　if　we　can'tif　you　can't　let　me　give
up　to　you　unless　I　do　it　for　the　same　reason　that　you　do；　and　if　I　can't
let　you　give　up　for　me；　and　I　know　I　could　neva　do　that；　then
we　mustn't！〃

〃Do　you　mean；　we　must　part？　　Not　see　each　other　again？〃

〃What　use　would　it　be？〃

〃None；〃　he　owned。　　She　had　risen；　and　he　stood　up　perforce。　　〃May　Imay
I　come　back　to　tell　you？〃

〃Tell　me　what？〃　she　asked。

〃You　are　right！　　If　I　can't　make　it　right；　I　won't　come。　　But　I　won't　say
good　bye。　　Ican't。〃

She　let　him　go；　and　Maddalena　came　in　at　the　door。　　〃Signorina；〃　she
said；　〃the　signora　is　not　well。　　Shall　I　send　for　the　doctor？〃

〃Yes；　yes；　Maddalena。　　Run！〃　cried　Clementina；　distractedly。　　She　hurried
to　Mrs。　Lander's　room；　where　she　found　her　too　sick　for　reproaches；　for
anything　but　appeals　for　help　and　pity。　　The　girl　had　not　to　wait　for
Doctor　Welwright's　coming　to　understand　that　the　attack　was　severer　than
any　before。

It　lasted　through　the　day；　and　she　could　see　that　he　was　troubled。　　It
had　not　followed　upon　any　imprudeuce；　as　Mrs。　Lander　pathetically　called
Clementina　to　witness　when　her　pain　had　been　so　far　quelled　that　she
could　talk　of　her　seizure。

He　found　her　greatly　weakened　by　it　the　next　day；　and　he　sat　looking
thoughtfully　at　her　before　he　said　that　she　needed　toning　up。　　She　caught
at　the　notion。　　〃Yes；　yes！　　That's　what　I　need；　docta！　　Toning　up！
That's　what　I　need。〃

He　suggested；　〃　How　would　you　like　to　try　the　sea　air；　and　the　bathsat
Venice？〃

〃Oh；　anything；　anywhere；　to　get　out　of　this　dreadful　hole！　　I　ha'n't　had
a　well　minute　since　I　came。　　And　Clementina；〃　the　sick　woman　whimpered；
〃is　so　taken　up　all　the　time；　he'a；　that　I　can't　get　the　right
attention。〃

The　doctor　looked　compassionately　away　from　the　girl；　and　said；　〃　Well；
we　must　arrange　about　getting　you　off；　then。〃

〃But　I　want　you　should　go　with　me；　doctor；　and　see　me　settled　all　right。
You　can；　can't　you？　　I　sha'n't　ca'e　how　much　it　costs？〃

The　doctor　said　gravely　he　thought　he　could　manage　it　and　he　ignored　the
long　unconscious　sigh　of　relief　that　Clementina　drew。

In　all　her　confusing　anxieties　for　Mrs。　Lander；　Gregory　remained　at　the
bottom　of　her　heart　a　dumb　ache。　　When　the　pressure　of　her　fears　was
taken　from　her　she　began　to　suffer　for　him　consciously；　then　a　letter
came　from　him：

　　　　　〃I　cannot　make　it　right。　　It　is　where　it　was；　and　I　feel　that　I　must
　　　　　not　see　you　again。　　I　am　trying　to　do　right；　but　with　the　fear　that
　　　　　I　am　wrong。　　Send　some　word　to　help　me　before　I　go　away　to…morrow。
　　　　　F。　G。〃

It　was　what　she　had　expected；　she　knew　now；　but　it　was　none　the　less　to
be　borne　because　of　her　expectation。　　She　wrote　back：

　　　　　〃I　believe　you　are　doing　the　best　you　can；　and　I　shall　always
　　　　　believe　that。

Her　note　brought　back　a　long　letter　from　him。　　He　said　that　whatever　he
did；　or　wherever　he　went；　he　should　try　to　be　true　to　her　ideal　of　him。
If　they　renounced　their　love　now　for　the　sake　of　what　seemed　higher　than
their　love；　they　might　suffer；　but　they　could　not　choose　but　do　as　they
were