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surprising。　　You　might　have　supposed　the　first　edition　of　his　works

to　have　been　published　last　week；　and　enthusiastic　Dullborough　to

have　got　half　through　them。　　（I　doubt；　by　the　way；　whether　it　had

ever　done　half　that；　but　that　is　a　private　opinion。）　　A　young

gentleman　with　a　sonnet；　the　retention　of　which　for　two　years　had

enfeebled　his　mind　and　undermined　his　knees；　got　the　sonnet　into

the　Dullborough　Warden；　and　gained　flesh。　　Portraits　of　Shakespeare

broke　out　in　the　bookshop　windows；　and　our　principal　artist　painted

a　large　original　portrait　in　oils　for　the　decoration　of　the　dining…

room。　　It　was　not　in　the　least　like　any　of　the　other　Portraits；　and

was　exceedingly　admired；　the　head　being　much　swollen。　　At　the

Institution；　the　Debating　Society　discussed　the　new　question；　Was

there　sufficient　ground　for　supposing　that　the　Immortal　Shakespeare

ever　stole　deer？　　This　was　indignantly　decided　by　an　overwhelming

majority　in　the　negative；　indeed；　there　was　but　one　vote　on　the

Poaching　side；　and　that　was　the　vote　of　the　orator　who　had

undertaken　to　advocate　it；　and　who　became　quite　an　obnoxious

character　…　particularly　to　the　Dullborough　'roughs；'　who　were

about　as　well　informed　on　the　matter　as　most　other　people。

Distinguished　speakers　were　invited　down；　and　very　nearly　came　（but

not　quite）。　　Subscriptions　were　opened；　and　committees　sat；　and　it

would　have　been　far　from　a　popular　measure　in　the　height　of　the

excitement；　to　have　told　Dullborough　that　it　wasn't　Stratford…upon…

Avon。　　Yet；　after　all　these　preparations；　when　the　great　festivity

took　place；　and　the　portrait；　elevated　aloft；　surveyed　the　company

as　if　it　were　in　danger　of　springing　a　mine　of　intellect　and

blowing　itself　up；　it　did　undoubtedly　happen；　according　to　the

inscrutable　mysteries　of　things；　that　nobody　could　be　induced；　not

to　say　to　touch　upon　Shakespeare；　but　to　come　within　a　mile　of　him；

until　the　crack　speaker　of　Dullborough　rose　to　propose　the　immortal

memory。　　Which　he　did　with　the　perplexing　and　astonishing　result

that　before　he　had　repeated　the　great　name　half…a…dozen　times；　or

had　been　upon　his　legs　as　many　minutes；　he　was　assailed　with　a

general　shout　of　'Question。'







CHAPTER　XXI　…　THE　SHORT…TIMERS







'Within　so　many　yards　of　this　Covent…garden　lodging　of　mine；　as

within　so　many　yards　of　Westminster　Abbey；　Saint　Paul's　Cathedral；

the　Houses　of　Parliament；　the　Prisons；　the　Courts　of　Justice；　all

the　Institutions　that　govern　the　land；　I　can　find　…　MUST　find；

whether　I　will　or　no　…　in　the　open　streets；　shameful　instances　of

neglect　of　children；　intolerable　toleration　of　the　engenderment　of

paupers；　idlers；　thieves；　races　of　wretched　and　destructive

cripples　both　in　body　and　mind；　a　misery　to　themselves；　a　misery　to

the　community；　a　disgrace　to　civilisation；　and　an　outrage　on

Christianity。　…　I　know　it　to　be　a　fact　as　easy　of　demonstration　as

any　sum　in　any　of　the　elementary　rules　of　arithmetic；　that　if　the

State　would　begin　its　work　and　duty　at　the　beginning；　and　would

with　the　strong　hand　take　those　children　out　of　the　streets；　while

they　are　yet　children；　and　wisely　train　them；　it　would　make　them　a

part　of　England's　glory；　not　its　shame　…　of　England's　strength；　not

its　weakness　…　would　raise　good　soldiers　and　sailors；　and　good

citizens；　and　many　great　men；　out　of　the　seeds　of　its　criminal

population。　　Yet　I　go　on　bearing　with　the　enormity　as　if　it　were

nothing；　and　I　go　on　reading　the　Parliamentary　Debates　as　if　they

were　something；　and　I　concern　myself　far　more　about　one　railway…

bridge　across　a　public　thoroughfare；　than　about　a　dozen　generations

of　scrofula；　ignorance；　wickedness；　prostitution；　poverty；　and

felony。　　I　can　slip　out　at　my　door；　in　the　small　hours　after　any

midnight；　and；　in　one　circuit　of　the　purlieus　of　Covent…garden

Market；　can　behold　a　state　of　infancy　and　youth；　as　vile　as　if　a

Bourbon　sat　upon　the　English　throne；　a　great　police　force　looking

on　with　authority　to　do　no　more　than　worry　and　hunt　the　dreadful

vermin　into　corners；　and　there　leave　them。　　Within　the　length　of　a

few　streets　I　can　find　a　workhouse；　mismanaged　with　that　dull

short…sighted　obstinacy　that　its　greatest　opportunities　as　to　the

children　it　receives　are　lost；　and　yet　not　a　farthing　saved　to　any

one。　　But　the　wheel　goes　round；　and　round；　and　round；　and　because

it　goes　round　…　so　I　am　told　by　the　politest　authorities　…　it　goes

well。'



Thus　I　reflected；　one　day　in　the　Whitsun　week　last　past；　as　I

floated　down　the　Thames　among　the　bridges；　looking　…　not

inappropriately　…　at　the　drags　that　were　hanging　up　at　certain

dirty　stairs　to　hook　the　drowned　out；　and　at　the　numerous

conveniences　provided　to　facilitate　their　tumbling　in。　　My　object

in　that　uncommercial　journey　called　up　another　train　of　thought；

and　it　ran　as　follows：



'When　I　was　at　school；　one　of　seventy　boys；　I　wonder　by　what　secret

understanding　our　attention　began　to　wander　when　we　had　pored　over

our　books　for　some　hours。　　I　wonder　by　what　ingenuity　we　brought　on

that　confused　state　of　mind　when　sense　became　nonsense；　when

figures　wouldn't　work；　when　dead　languages　wouldn't　construe；　when

live　languages　wouldn't　be　spoken；　when　memory　wouldn't　come；　when

dulness　and　vacancy　wouldn't　go。　　I　cannot　remember　that　we　ever

conspired　to　be　sleepy　after　dinner；　or　that　we　ever　particularly

wanted　to　be　stupid；　and　to　have　flushed　faces　and　hot　beating

heads；　or　to　find　blank　hopelessness　and　obscurity　this　afternoon

in　what　would　become　perfectly　clear　and　bright　in　the　freshness　of

to…morrow　morning。　　We　suffered　for　these　things；　and　they　made　us

miserable　enough。　　Neither　do　I　remember　that　we　ever　bound

ourselves　by　any　secret　oath　or　other　solemn　obligation；　to　find

the　seats　getting　too　hard　to　be　sat　upon　after　a　certain　time；　or

to　have　intolerable　twitches　in　our　legs；　rendering　us　aggressive

and　malicious　with　those　members；　or　to　be　troubled　with　a　similar

uneasiness　in　our　elbows；　attended　with　fistic　consequences　to　our

neighbours；　or　to　carry　two　pounds　of　lead　in　the　chest；　four

pounds　in　the　head；　and　several　active　blue…bottles　in　each　ear。

Yet；　for　certain；　we　suffered　under　those　distresses；　and　were

always　charged　at　for　labouring　under　them；　as　if　we　had　brought

them　on；　of　our　own　deliberate　act　and　deed。　　As　to　the　mental

portion　of　them　being　my　own　fault　in　my　own　case　…　I　should　like

to　ask　any　well…trained　and　experienced　teacher；　not　to　say

psychologist。　　And　as　to　the　physical　portion　…　I　should　like　to

ask　PROFESSOR　OWEN。'



It　happened　that　I　had　a　small　bundle　of　papers　with　me；　on　what　is

called　'The　Half…Time　System'　in　schools。　　Referring　to　one　of

those　papers　I　found　that　the　indefatigable　MR。　CHADWICK　had　been

beforehand　with　me；　and　had　already　asked　Professor　Owen：　　who　had

handsomely　replied　that　I　was　not　to　blame；　but　that；　being

troubled　with　a　skeleton；　and　having　been　constituted　according　to

certain　natural　laws；　I　and　my　skeleton　were　unfortunately　bound　by

those　laws　even　in　school　…　and　had　comported　ourselves

accordingly。　　Much　comforted　by　the　good　Professor's　being　on　my

side；　I　read　on　to　discover　whether　the　indefatigable　Mr。　Chadwick

had　taken　up　the　mental　part　of　my　afflictions。　　I　found　that　he

had；　and　that　he　had　gained　on　my　behalf；　SIR　BENJAMIN　BRODIE；　SIR

DAVID　WILKIE；　SIR　WALTER　SCOTT；　and　the　common　sense　of　mankind。

For　which　I　beg　Mr。　Chadwick；　if　this　should　meet　his　eye；　to

accept　my　warm　acknowledgments。



Up　to　that　time　I　had　retained　a　misgiving　that　the　seventy

unfortunates　of　whom　I　was　one；　must　have　been；　without　knowing　it；

leagued　together　by　the　spirit　of　evil　in　a　sort　of　perpetual　Guy

Fawkes　Plot；　to　grope　about　in　vaults　with　dark　lanterns　after　a

certain　period　of　continuous　study。　　But　now　the　misgiving

vanished；　and　I　floated　on　with　a　quieted　mind　to　see　the　Half…Time

System　in　action。　　For　that　was　the　purpose　of　my　journey；　both　by

steamboat　on　the　Thames；　and　by　very　dirty　railway　on　the　shore。

To　which　last　institution；　I　beg　to　recommend　the　legal　use　of　coke

as　engine…fuel；　rather　than　the　illegal　use　of　coal；　the

recommendation　is　quite　disinterested；　for　I　was　most　liberally

supplied　with　small　coal　on　the　journey；　for　which　no　charge　was

made。　　I　had　not　only　my　eyes；　nose；　and　ears　filled；　but　my　hat；

and　all　my　pockets；　and　my　pocket…book；　and　my　watch。



The　V。D。S。C。R。C。　（or　Very　Dirty　and　Small　Coal　Railway　Company）

delivered　me　close　to　my　destination；　and　I　soon　found　the　Half…

Time　System　established　in　spacious　premises；　and　freely　placed　at

my　convenience　and　disposal。



What　would　I　see　first　of　the　Half…Time　System？　　I　chose　Military

Drill。　　'Atten…tion！'　　Instantly　a　hundred　boys　stood　forth　in　the

paved　yard　as　one　boy；　bright；　quick；　eager；　steady；　watchful　for

the　look　of　command；　instant　and　ready　for　the　word。　　Not　only　was

there　complete　precision　…　complete　accord　to　the　eye　and　to　the

ear　…　but　an　alertness　in　the　doing　of　the　thing　which　deprived　it；

curiously；　of　its　monotonous　or　mechanical　character。　　There　was

perfect　uniformity；　and　yet　an　individual　spirit　and　emulation。　　No

spectator　could　doubt　that　the　boys　liked　it。　　With　non…

commissioned　officers　varying　from　a　yard　to　a　yard　and　a　half

high；　the　result　could　not　possibly　have　been　attained　otherwise。

They　marched；　and　counter…marched；　and　formed　in　line　and　square；

and　company；　and　single　file　and　double　file；　and　performed　a

variety　of　evolutions；　all　most　admirably。　　In　respect　of　an　air　of

enjoyable　understanding　of　what　they　were　about；　which　seems　to　be

forbidden　to　English　soldiers；　the　boys　might　have　been　small

French　troops。　　When　they　were　dismissed　and　the　broadsword

exercise；　limited　to　a　much　smaller　number；　succeeded；　the　boys　who

had　no　part　in　that　new　drill；　either　looked　on　attentively；　or

disported　themselves　in　a　gymnasium　hard　by。　　The　s