the dark flower-第4部分

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happened　to　him？　　He　felt　so　different；　so　utterly　different。　　It
was　another　world。　　And　the　most　strange　feeling　came　on　him；　as　of
the　flowers　falling　again　all　over　his　face　and　neck　and　hands；　the
tickling　of　their　soft…fringed　edges；　the　stinging　sweetness　of
their　scent。　　And　he　seemed　to　hear　her　voice　saying：　〃Feel！〃　and
to　feel　her　heart　once　more　beating　under　his　hand。


VI


Alone　with　that　black…shawled　figure　in　the　silent　church；　Anna　did
not　pray。　　Resting　there　on　her　knees；　she　experienced　only　the
sore　sensation　of　revolt。　　Why　had　Fate　flung　this　feeling　into　her
heart；　lighted　up　her　life　suddenly；　if　God　refused　her　its
enjoyment？　　Some　of　the　mountain　pinks　remained　clinging　to　her
belt；　and　the　scent　of　them；　crushed　against　her；　warred　with　the
faint　odour　of　age　and　incense。　　While　they　were　there；　with　their
enticement　and　their　memories；　prayer　would　never　come。　　But　did
she　want　to　pray？　　Did　she　desire　the　mood　of　that　poor　soul　in　her
black　shawl；　who　had　not　moved　by　one　hair's　breadth　since　she　had
been　watching　her；　who　seemed　resting　her　humble　self　so　utterly；
letting　life　lift　from　her；　feeling　the　relief　of　nothingness？　　Ah；
yes！　what　would　it　be　to　have　a　life　so　toilsome；　so　little
exciting　from　day　to　day　and　hour　to　hour；　that　just　to　kneel　there
in　wistful　stupor　was　the　greatest　pleasure　one　could　know？　　It　was
beautiful　to　see　her；　but　it　was　sad。　　And　there　came　over　Anna　a
longing　to　go　up　to　her　neighbour　and　say：　〃Tell　me　your　troubles；
we　are　both　women。〃　　She　had　lost　a　son；　perhaps；　some　loveor
perhaps　not　really　love；　only　some　illusion。　　Ah！　　Love。　。　。　。　　Why
should　any　spirit　yearn；　why　should　any　body；　full　of　strength　and
joy；　wither　slowly　away　for　want　of　love？　　Was　there　not　enough　in
this　great　world　for　her；　Anna；　to　have　a　little？　　She　would　not
harm　him；　for　she　would　know　when　he　had　had　enough　of　her；　she
would　surely　have　the　pride　and　grace　then　to　let　him　go。　　For；　of
course；　he　would　get　tired　of　her。　　At　her　age　she　could　never　hope
to　hold　a　boy　more　than　a　few　yearsmonths；　perhaps。　　But　would
she　ever　hold　him　at　all？　　Youth　was　so　hardit　had　no　heart！　　And
then　the　memory　of　his　eyes　came　backgazing　up；　troubled；　almost
wildwhen　she　had　dropped　on　him　those　flowers。　　That　memory
filled　her　with　a　sort　of　delirium。　　One　look　from　her　then；　one
touch；　and　he　would　have　clasped　her　to　him。　　She　was　sure　of　it；
yet　scarcely　dared　to　believe　what　meant　so　much。　　And　suddenly　the
torment　that　she　must　go　through；　whatever　happened；　seemed　to　her
too　brutal　and　undeserved！　　She　rose。　　Just　one　gleam　of　sunlight
was　still　slanting　through　the　doorway；　it　failed　by　a　yard　or　so
to　reach　the　kneeling　countrywoman；　and　Anna　watched。　　Would　it
steal　on　and　touch　her；　or　would　the　sun　pass　down　behind　the
mountains；　and　it　fade　away？　　Unconscious　of　that　issue；　the　black…
shawled　figure　knelt；　never　moving。　　And　the　beam　crept　on。　　〃If　it
touches　her；　then　he　will　love　me；　if　only　for　an　hour；　if　it　fades
out　too　soon〃　　And　the　beam　crept　on。　　That　shadowy　path　of
light；　with　its　dancing　dust…motes；　was　it　indeed　charged　with
Fateindeed　the　augury　of　Love　or　Darkness？　　And；　slowly　moving；
it　mounted；　the　sun　sinking；　it　rose　above　that　bent　head；　hovered
in　a　golden　mist；　passedand　suddenly　was　gone。

Unsteadily；　seeing　nothing　plain；　Anna　walked　out　of　the　church。
Why　she　passed　her　husband　and　the　boy　on　the　terrace　without　a
look　she　could　not　quite　have　saidperhaps　because　the　tortured
does　not　salute　her　torturers。　　When　she　reached　her　room　she　felt
deadly　tired；　and　lying　down　on　her　bed；　almost　at　once　fell
asleep。

She　was　wakened　by　a　sound；　and；　recognizing　the　delicate　'rat…tat'
of　her　husband's　knock；　did　not　answer；　indifferent　whether　he　came
in　or　no。　　He　entered　noiselessly。　　If　she　did　not　let　him　know　she
was　awake；　he　would　not　wake　her。　　She　lay　still　and　watched　him
sit　down　astride　of　a　chair；　cross　his　arms　on　its　back；　rest　his
chin　on　them；　and　fix　his　eyes　on　her。　　Through　her　veil　of
eyelashes　she　had　unconsciously　contrived　that　his　face　should　be
the　one　object　plainly　seenthe　more　intensely　visualized；　because
of　this　queer　isolation。　　She　did　not　feel　at　all　ashamed　of　this
mutual　fixed　scrutiny；　in　which　she　had　such　advantage。　　He　had
never　shown　her　what　was　in　him；　never　revealed　what　lay　behind
those　bright　satiric　eyes。　　Now；　perhaps；　she　would　see！　　And　she
lay；　regarding　him　with　the　intense　excited　absorption　with　which
one　looks　at　a　tiny　wildflower　through　a　magnifying…lens；　and
watches　its　insignificance　expanded　to　the　size　and　importance　of　a
hothouse　bloom。　　In　her　mind　was　this　thought：　He　is　looking　at　me
with　his　real　self；　since　he　has　no　reason　for　armour　against　me
now。　　At　first　his　eyes　seemed　masked　with　their　customary
brightness；　his　whole　face　with　its　usual　decorous　formality；　then
gradually　he　became　so　changed　that　she　hardly　knew　him。　　That
decorousness；　that　brightness；　melted　off　what　lay　behind；　as
frosty　dew　melts　off　grass。　　And　her　very　soul　contracted　within
her；　as　if　she　had　become　identified　with　what　he　was　seeinga
something　to　be　passed　over；　a　very　nothing。　　Yes；　his　was　the　face
of　one　looking　at　what　was　unintelligible；　and　therefore
negligible；　at　that　which　had　no　soul；　at　something　of　a　different
and　inferior　species　and　of　no　great　interest　to　a　man。　　His　face
was　like　a　soundless　avowal　of　some　conclusion；　so　fixed　and
intimate　that　it　must　surely　emanate　from　the　very　core　of　himbe
instinctive；　unchangeable。　　This　was　the　real　he！　　A　man　despising
women！　　Her　first　thought　was：　And　he's　marriedwhat　a　fate！　　Her
second：　If　he　feels　that；　perhaps　thousands　of　men　do！　　Am　I　and
all　women　really　what　they　think　us？　　The　conviction　in　his　stare
its　through…and…through　convictionhad　infected　her；　and　she　gave
in　to　it　for　the　moment；　crushed。　　Then　her　spirit　revolted　with
such　turbulence；　and　the　blood　so　throbbed　in　her；　that　she　could
hardly　lie　still。　　How　dare　he　think　her　like　thata　nothing；　a
bundle　of　soulless　inexplicable　whims　and　moods　and　sensuality？　　A
thousand　times；　No！　　It　was　HE　who　was　the　soulless　one；　the　dry；
the　godless　one；　who；　in　his　sickening　superiority；　could　thus　deny
her；　and　with　her　all　women！　　That　stare　was　as　if　he　saw　hera
doll　tricked　out　in　garments　labelled　soul；　spirit；　rights；
responsibilities；　dignity；　freedomall　so　many　words。　　It　was
vile；　it　was　horrible；　that　he　should　see　her　thus！　　And　a　really
terrific　struggle　began　in　her　between　the　desire　to　get　up　and　cry
this　out；　and　the　knowledge　that　it　would　be　stupid；　undignified；
even　mad；　to　show　her　comprehension　of　what　he　would　never　admit　or
even　understand　that　he　had　revealed　to　her。　　And　then　a　sort　of
cynicism　came　to　her　rescue。　　What　a　funny　thing　was　married　life
to　have　lived　all　these　years　with　him；　and　never　known　what　was　at
the　bottom　of　his　heart！　　She　had　the　feeling　now　that；　if　she　went
up　to　him　and　said：　〃I　am　in　love　with　that　boy！〃　it　would　only
make　him　droop　the　corners　of　his　mouth　and　say　in　his　most　satiric
voice：　〃Really！　　That　is　very　interesting！〃would　not　change　in
one　iota　his　real　thoughts　of　her；　only　confirm　him　in　the
conviction　that　she　was　negligible；　inexplicable；　an　inferior
strange　form　of　animal；　of　no　real　interest　to　him。

And　then；　just　when　she　felt　that　she　could　not　hold　herself　in　any
longer；　he　got　up；　passed　on　tiptoe　to　the　door；　opened　it
noiselessly；　and　went　out。

The　moment　he　had　gone；　she　jumped　up。　　So；　then；　she　was　linked　to
one　for　whom　she；　for　whom　women；　did　not；　as　it　were；　exist！　　It
seemed　to　her　that　she　had　stumbled　on　knowledge　of　almost　sacred
importance；　on　the　key　of　everything　that　had　been　puzzling　and
hopeless　in　their　married　life。　　If　he　really；　secretly；　whole…
heartedly　despised　her；　the　only　feeling　she　need　have　for　one　so
dry；　so　narrow；　so　basically　stupid；　was　just　contempt。　　But　she
knew　well　enough　that　contempt　would　not　shake　what　she　had　seen　in
his　face；　he　was　impregnably　walled　within　his　clever；　dull
conviction　of　superiority。　　He　was　for　ever　intrenched；　and　she
would　always　be　only　the　assailant。　　Thoughwhat　did　it　matter；
now？

Usually　swift；　almost　careless；　she　was　a　long　time　that　evening
over　her　toilette。　　Her　neck　was　very　sunburnt；　and　she　lingered；
doubtful　whether　to　hide　it　with　powder；　or　accept　her　gipsy
colouring。　　She　did　accept　it；　for　she　saw　that　it　gave　her　eyes；
so　like　glacier　ice；　under　their　black　lashes；　and　her　hair；　with
its　surprising　glints　of　flame　colour；　a　peculiar　value。

When　the　dinner…bell　rang　she　passed　her　husband's　door　without；　as
usual；　knocking；　and　went　down　alone。

In　the　hall　she　noticed　some　of　the　English　party　of　the　mountain
hut。　　They　did　not　greet　her；　conceiving　an　immediate　interest　in
the　barometer；　but　she　could　feel　them　staring　at　her　very　hard。
She　sat　down　to　wait；　and　at　once　became　conscious　of　the　boy
coming　over　from　the　other　side　of　the　room；　rather　like　a　person
walking　in　his　sleep。　　He　said　not　a　word。　　But　how　he　looked！　　And
her　heart　began　to　beat。　　Was　this　the　moment　she　had　longed　for？
If　it；　indeed；　had　come；　dared　she　take　it？　　Then　she　saw　her
husband　descending　the　stairs；　saw　him　greet　the　English　party；
heard　the　intoning　of　their　drawl。　　She　looked　up　at　the　boy；　and
said　quickly：　〃Was　it　a　happy　day？〃　　It　gave　her　such　delight　to
keep　that　look　on　his　face；　that　look　as　if　he　had　forgotten
everything　except　just　the　sight　of　her。　　His　eyes　seemed　to　have
in　them　something　holy　at　that　moment；　something　of　the　wonder…
yearning　of　Nature　and　of　innocence。　　It　was　dreadful　to　know　that
in　a　moment　that　look　must　be　gone；　perhaps　never　to　come　back　on
his　facethat　look　so　precious！　　Her　husband　was　approaching　now！
Let　him　see；　if　he　would！　　Let　him　see　that　someone　could　adore
that　she　was　not　to　everyone　a　kind　of　lower　animal。　　Yes；　he　must
have　seen　the　boy's　face；　and　yet　his　expression　never　changed。　　He
noticed　nothing！　　Or　was　it　that　he　disdained　to　notice？


VII


Then　followed　for　young　Lennan　a　strange　time；　when　he　never　knew
from　minute　to　minute　whe