the glimpses of the moon-第23部分

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whenever　she　chose　to　take　themfreedom；　power　and　dignity。

Dignity！　　It　was　odd　what　weight　that　word　had　come　to　have　for

her。　　She　had　dimly　felt　its　significance；　felt　the　need　of　its

presence　in　her　inmost　soul；　even　in　the　young　thoughtless　days

when　she　had　seemed　to　sacrifice　so　little　to　the　austere

divinities。　　And　since　she　had　been　Nick　Lansing's　wife　she　had

consciously　acknowledged　it；　had　suffered　and　agonized　when　she

fell　beneath　its　standard。　　Yes：　　to　marry　Strefford　would　give

her　that　sense　of　self…respect　which；　in　such　a　world　as　theirs；

only　wealth　and　position　could　ensure。　　If　she　had　not　the

mental　or　moral　training　to　attain　independence　in　any　other

way；　was　she　to　blame　for　seeking　it　on　such　terms？



Of　course　there　was　always　the　chance　that　Nick　would　come　back；

would　find　life　without　her　as　intolerable　as　she　was　finding　it

without　him。　　If　that　happenedah；　if　that　happened！　　Then　she

would　cease　to　strain　her　eyes　into　the　future；　would　seize　upon

the　present　moment　and　plunge　into　it　to　the　very　bottom　of

oblivion。　　Nothing　on　earth　would　matter　thenmoney　or　freedom

or　pride；　or　her　precious　moral　dignity；　if　only　she　were　in

Nick's　arms　again！



But　there　was　Nick's　icy　letter；　there　was　Coral　Hicks's

insolent　post…card；　to　show　how　little　chance　there　was　of　such

a　solution。　　Susy　understood　that；　even　before　the　discovery　of

her　transaction　with　Ellie　Vanderlyn；　Nick　had　secretly　wearied；

if　not　of　his　wife；　at　least　of　the　life　that　their　marriage

compelled　him　to　lead。　　His　passion　was　not　strong　enough…had

never　been　strong　enoughto　outweigh　his　prejudices；　scruples；

principles；　or　whatever　one　chose　to　call　them。　　Susy's　dignity

might　go　up　like　tinder　in　the　blaze　of　her　love；　but　his　was

made　of　a　less　combustible　substance。　　She　had　felt；　in　their

last　talk　together；　that　she　had　forever　destroyed　the　inner

harmony　between　them。



Wellthere　it　was；　and　the　fault　was　doubtless　neither　hers　nor

his；　but　that　of　the　world　they　had　grown　up　in；　of　their　own

moral　contempt　for　it　and　physical　dependence　on　it；　of　his

half…talents　and　her　half…principles；　of　the　something　in　them

both　that　was　not　stout　enough　to　resist　nor　yet　pliant　enough

to　yield。　　She　stared　at　the　fact　on　the　journey　back　to

Versailles；　and　all　that　sleepless　night　in　her　room；　and　the

next　morning；　when　the　housemaid　came　in　with　her　breakfast

tray；　she　felt　the　factitious　energy　that　comes　from　having

decided；　however　half…heartedly；　on　a　definite　course。



She　had　said　to　herself：　　〃If　there's　no　letter　from　Nick　this

time　next　week　I'll　write　to　Streff〃　and　the　week　had　passed；

and　there　was　no　letter。



It　was　now　three　weeks　since　he　had　left　her；　and　she　had　had　no

word　but　his　note　from　Genoa。　　She　had　concluded　that；

foreseeing　the　probability　of　her　leaving　Venice；　he　would　write

to　her　in　care　of　their　Paris　bank。　　But　though　she　had

immediately　notified　the　bank　of　her　change　of　address　no

communication　from　Nick　had　reached　her；　and　she　smiled　with　a

touch　of　bitterness　at　the　difficulty　he　was　doubtless　finding

in　the　composition　of　the　promised　letter。　　Her　own　scrap…

basket；　for　the　first　days；　had　been　heaped　with　the　fragments

of　the　letters　she　had　begun；　and　she　told　herself　that；　since

they　both　found　it　so　hard　to　write；　it　was　probably　because

they　had　nothing　left　to　say　to　each　other。



Meanwhile　the　days　at　Mrs。　Melrose's　drifted　by　as　they　had　been

wont　to　drift　when；　under　the　roofs　of　the　rich；　Susy　Branch　had

marked　time　between　one　episode　and　the　next　of　her　precarious

existence。　　Her　experience　of　such　sojourns　was　varied　enough　to

make　her　acutely　conscious　of　their　effect　on　her　temporary

hosts；　and　in　the　present　case　she　knew　that　Violet　was　hardly

aware　of　her　presence。　　But　if　no　more　than　tolerated　she　was　at

least　not　felt　to　be　an　inconvenience；　when　your　hostess　forgot

about　you　it　proved　that　at　least　you　were　not　in　her　way。



Violet；　as　usual；　was　perpetually　on　the　wing；　for　her　profound

indolence　expressed　itself　in　a　disordered　activity。　　Nat　Fulmer

had　returned　to　Paris；　but　Susy　guessed　that　his　benefactress

was　still　constantly　in　his　company；　and　that　when　Mrs。　Melrose

was　whirled　away　in　her　noiseless　motor　it　was　generally　toward

the　scene　of　some　new　encounter　between　Fulmer　and　the　arts。　　On

these　occasions　she　sometimes　offered　to　carry　Susy　to　Paris；

and　they　devoted　several　long　and　hectic　mornings　to　the　dress…

makers；　where　Susy　felt　herself　gradually　succumbing　to　the

familiar　spell　of　heaped…up　finery。　　It　seemed　impossible；　as

furs　and　laces　and　brocades　were　tossed　aside；　brought　back；　and

at　last　carelessly　selected　from；　that　anything　but　the　whim　of

the　moment　need　count　in　deciding　whether　one　should　take　all　or

none；　or　that　any　woman　could　be　worth　looking　at　who　did　not

possess　the　means　to　make　her　choice　regardless　of　cost。



Once　alone；　and　in　the　street　again；　the　evil　fumes　would

evaporate；　and　daylight　re…enter　Susy's　soul；　yet　she　felt　that

the　old　poison　was　slowly　insinuating　itself　into　her　system。

To　dispel　it　she　decided　one　day　to　look　up　Grace　Fulmer。　　She

was　curious　to　know　how　the　happy…go…lucky　companion　of　Fulmer's

evil　days　was　bearing　the　weight　of　his　prosperity；　and　she

vaguely　felt　that　it　would　be　refreshing　to　see　some　one　who　had

never　been　afraid　of　poverty。



The　airless　pension　sitting…room；　where　she　waited　while　a

reluctant　maid…servant　screamed　about　the　house　for　Mrs。　Fulmer；

did　not　have　the　hoped…for　effect。　　It　was　one　thing　for　Grace

to　put　up　with　such　quarters　when　she　shared　them　with　Fulmer；

but　to　live　there　while　he　basked　in　the　lingering　radiance　of

Versailles；　or　rolled　from　chateau　to　picture　gallery　in　Mrs。

Melrose's　motor；　showed　a　courage　that　Susy　felt　unable　to

emulate。



〃My　dear！　　I　knew　you'd　look　me　up；〃　Grace's　joyous　voice　ran

　down　the　stairway；　and　in　another　moment　she　was　clasping　Susy

to　her　tumbled　person。



〃Nat　couldn't　remember　if　he'd　given　you　our　address；　though　he

promised　me　he　would；　the　last　time　he　was　here。〃　　She　held　Susy

at　arms'　length；　beaming　upon　her　with　blinking　short…sighted

eyes：　　the　same　old　dishevelled　Grace；　so　careless　of　her

neglected　beauty　and　her　squandered　youth；　so　amused　and　absent…

minded　and　improvident；　that　the　boisterous　air　of　the　New

Hampshire　bungalow　seemed　to　enter　with　her　into　the　little　air…

tight　salon。



While　she　poured　out　the　tale　of　Nat's　sudden　celebrity；　and　its

unexpected　consequences；　Susy　marvelled　and　dreamed。　　Was　the

secret　of　his　triumph　perhaps　due　to　those　long　hard　unrewarded

years；　the　steadfast　scorn　of　popularity；　the　indifference　to

every　kind　of　material　ease　in　which　his　wife　had　so　gaily

abetted　him？　　Had　it　been　bought　at　the　cost　of　her　own

freshness　and　her　own　talent；　of　the　children's　〃advantages；〃　of

everything　except　the　closeness　of　the　tie　between　husband　and

wife？　　Wellit　was　worth　the　price；　no　doubt；　but　what　if；　now

that　honours　and　prosperity　had　come；　the　tie　were　snapped；　and

Grace　were　left　alone　among　the　ruins？



There　was　nothing　in　her　tone　or　words　to　suggest　such　a

possibility。　　Susy　noticed　that　her　ill…assorted　raiment　was

costlier　in　quality　and　more　professional　in　cut　than　the　home…

made　garments　which　had　draped　her　growing　bulk　at　the　bungalow：

it　was　clear　that　she　was　trying　to　dress　up　to　Nat's　new

situation。　　But；　above　all；　she　was　rejoicing　in　it；　filling　her

hungry　lungs　with　the　strong　air　of　his　success。　　It　had

evidently　not　occurred　to　her　as　yet　that　those　who　consent　to

share　the　bread　of　adversity　may　want　the　whole　cake　of

prosperity　for　themselves。



〃My　dear；　it's　too　wonderful！　　He's　told　me　to　take　as　many

concert　and　opera　tickets　as　I　like；　he　lets　me　take　all　the

children　with　me。　　The　big　concerts　don't　begin　till　later；　but

of　course　the　Opera　is　always　going。　　And　there　are　little

thingsthere's　music　in　Paris　at　all　seasons。　　And　later　it's

just　possible　we　may　get　to　Munich　for　a　weekoh；　Susy！〃　　Her

hands　clasped；　her　eyes　brimming；　she　drank　the　new　wine　of　life

almost　sacramentally。



〃Do　you　remember；　Susy；　when　you　and　Nick　came　to　stay　at　the

bungalow？　　Nat　said　you'd　be　horrified　by　our　primitiveness…but

I　knew　better！　　And　I　was　right；　wasn't　I？　　Seeing　us　so　happy

made　you　and　Nick　decide　to　follow　our　example；　didn't　it？〃　　She

glowed　with　the　remembrance。　　〃And　now；　what　are　your　plans？　　Is

Nick's　book　nearly　done？　　I　suppose　you'll　have　to　live　very

economically　till　he　finds　a　publisher。　　And　the　baby；　darling…

when　is　that　to　be？　　If　you're　coming　home　soon　I　could　let　you

have　a　lot　of　the　children's　little　old　things。〃



〃You're　always　so　dear；　Grace。　　But　we　haven't　any　special　plans

as　yetnot　even　for　a　baby。　　And　I　wish　you'd　tell　me　all　of

yours　instead。〃



Mrs。　Fulmer　asked　nothing　better：　　Susy　perceived　that；　so　far；

the　greater　part　of　her　European　experience　had　consisted　in

talking　about　what　it　was　to　be。　　〃Well；　you　see；　Nat　is　so

taken　up　all　day　with　sight…seeing　and　galleries　and　meeting

important　people　that　he　hasn't　had　time　to　go　about　with　us；

and　as　so　few　theatres　are　open；　and　there's　so　little　music；

I've　taken　the　opportunity　to　catch　up　with　my　mending。　　Junie

helps　me　with　it　nowshe's　our　eldest；　you　remember？　　She's

grown　into　a　big　girl　since　you　saw　her。　　And　later；　perhaps；

we're　to　travel。　　And　the　most　wonderful　thing　of　allnext　to

Nat's　recognition；　I　meanis　not　having　to　contrive　and　skimp；

and　give　up　something　every　single　minute。　　Just　thinkNat　has

even　made　special　arrangements　here　in　the　pension；　so　that　the

children　all　have　second　helpings　to　everything。　　And　when　I　go

up　to　bed　I　can　think　of　my　music；　instead　of　lying　awake

calculating　and　wondering　how　I　can　make　things　come　out　at　the

end　of