the glimpses of the moon-第36部分

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hardly　expect　me　to　agree；　for　after　all　it　was　to　Ellie　I　owed

the　luck　of　being　so　long　alone　with　you　in　Venice。　　If　she　and

Algie　hadn't　prolonged　their　honeymoon　at　the　villa〃



He　stopped　abruptly；　and　looked　at　Susy。　　She　was　conscious　that

every　drop　of　blood　had　left　her　face。　　She　felt　it　ebbing　away

from　her　heart；　flowing　out　of　her　as　if　from　all　her　severed

arteries；　till　it　seemed　as　though　nothing　were　left　of　life　in

her　but　one　point　of　irreducible　pain。



〃Ellieat　your　villa？　　What　do　you　mean？　　Was　it　Ellie　and

Bockheimer　who？〃



Strefford　still　stared。　　〃You　mean　to　say　you　didn't　know？〃



〃Who　came　after　Nick　and　me。。。？〃　she　insisted。



〃Why；　do　you　suppose　I'd　have　turned　you　out　otherwise？　　That

beastly　Bockheimer　simply　smothered　me　with　gold。　　Ah；　well；

there's　one　good　thing：　　I　shall　never　have　to　let　the　villa

again！　　I　rather　like　the　little　place　myself；　and　I　daresay

once　in　a　while　we　might　go　there　for　a　day　or　two　。。。。　　Susy；

what's　the　matter？〃　he　exclaimed。



She　returned　his　stare；　but　without　seeing　him。　　Everything　swam

and　danced　before　her　eyes。



〃Then　she　was　there　while　I　was　posting　all　those　letters　for

her？〃



〃Letterswhat　letters？　　What　makes　you　look　so　frightfully

upset？〃



She　pursued　her　thought　as　if　he　had　not　spoken。　　〃She　and　Algie

Bockheimer　arrived　there　the　very　day　that　Nick　and　I　left？〃



〃I　suppose　so。　　I　thought　she'd　told　you。　　Ellie　always　tells

everybody　everything。〃



〃She　would　have　told　me；　I　daresaybut　I　wouldn't　let　her。〃



〃Well；　my　dear；　that　was　hardly　my　fault；　was　it？　　Though　I

really　don't　see〃



But　Susy；　still　blind　to　everything　but　the　dance　of　dizzy

sparks　before　her　eyes；　pressed　on　as　if　she　had　not　heard　him。

〃It　was　their　motor；　then；　that　took　us　to　Milan！　　It　was　Algie

Bockheimer's　motor！〃　　She　did　not　know　why；　but　this　seemed　to

her　the　most　humiliating　incident　in　the　whole　hateful　business。

She　remembered　Nick's　reluctance　to　use　the　motor…she

remembered　his　look　when　she　had　boasted　of　her　〃managing。〃　　The

nausea　mounted　to　her　throat。



Strefford　burst　out　laughing。　　〃I　sayyou　borrowed　their　motor？

And　you　didn't　know　whose　it　was？〃



〃How　could　I　know？　　I　persuaded　the　chauffeur　。。。　for　a　little

tip　。。。。　　It　was　to　save　our　railway　fares　to　Milan　。。。　extra

luggage　costs　so　frightfully　in　Italy　。。。。〃



〃Good　old　Susy！　　Well　done！　　I　can　see　you　doing　it〃



〃Oh；　how　horriblehow　horrible！〃　she　groaned。



〃Horrible？　　What's　horrible？〃



〃Why；　your　not　seeing　。。。　not　feeling　。。。〃　she　began

impetuously；　and　then　stopped。　　How　could　she　explain　to　him

that　what　revolted　her　was　not　so　much　the　fact　of　his　having

given　the　little　house；　as　soon　as　she　and　Nick　had　left　it；　to

those　two　people　of　all　othersthough　the　vision　of　them　in　the

sweet　secret　house；　and　under　the　plane…trees　of　the　terrace；

drew　such　a　trail　of　slime　across　her　golden　hours？　　No；　it　was

not　that　from　which　she　most　recoiled；　but　from　the　fact　that

Strefford；　living　in　luxury　in　Nelson　Vanderlyn's　house；　should

at　the　same　time　have　secretly　abetted　Ellie　Vanderlyn's　love…

affairs；　and　allowed　herfor　a　handsome　priceto　shelter　them

under　his　own　roof。　　The　reproach　trembled　on　her　lipbut　she

remembered　her　own　part　in　the　wretched　business；　and　the

impossibility　of　avowing　it　to　Strefford；　and　of　revealing　to

him　that　Nick　had　left　her　for　that　very　reason。　　She　was　not

afraid　that　the　discovery　would　diminish　her　in　Strefford's

eyes：　　he　was　untroubled　by　moral　problems；　and　would　laugh　away

her　avowal；　with　a　sneer　at　Nick　in　his　new　part　of　moralist。

But　that　was　just　what　she　could　not　bear：　　that　anyone　should

cast　a　doubt　on　the　genuineness　of　Nick's　standards；　or　should

know　how　far　below　them　she　had　fallen。



She　remained　silent；　and　Strefford；　after　a　moment；　drew　her

gently　down　to　the　seat　beside　him。　　〃Susy；　upon　my　soul　I　don't

know　what　you're　driving　at。　　Is　it　me　you're　angry　with…or

yourself？　　And　what's　it　all　about！　　Are　you　disgusted　because　I

let　the　villa　to　a　couple　who　weren't　married！　　But；　hang　it；

they're　the　kind　that　pay　the　highest　price　and　I　had　to　earn　my

living　somehow！　　One　doesn't　run　across　a　bridal　pair　every

day　。。。。〃



She　lifted　her　eyes　to　his　puzzled　incredulous　face。　　Poor

Streff！　　No；　it　was　not　with　him　that　she　was　angry。　　Why　should

she　be？　　Even　that　ill…advised　disclosure　had　told　her　nothing

she　had　not　already　known　about　him。　　It　had　simply　revealed　to

her　once　more　the　real　point　of　view　of　the　people　he　and　she

lived　among；　had　shown　her　that；　in　spite　of　the　superficial

difference；　he　felt　as　they　felt；　judged　as　they　judged；　was

blind　as　they　were…and　as　she　would　be　expected　to　be；　should

she　once　again　become　one　of　them。　　What　was　the　use　of　being

placed　by　fortune　above　such　shifts　and　compromises；　if　in　one's

heart　one　still　condoned　them？　　And　she　would　have　toshe　would

catch　the　general　note；　grow　blunted　as　those　other　people　were

blunted；　and　gradually　come　to　wonder　at　her　own　revolt；　as

Strefford　now　honestly　wondered　at　it。　　She　felt　as　though　she

were　on　the　point　of　losing　some　new…found　treasure；　a　treasure

precious　only　to　herself；　but　beside　which　all　he　offered　her

was　nothing；　the　triumph　of　her　wounded　pride　nothing；　the

security　of　her　future　nothing。



〃What　is　it；　Susy？〃　he　asked；　with　the　same　puzzled　gentleness。



Ah；　the　loneliness　of　never　being　able　to　make　him　understand！

She　had　felt　lonely　enough　when　the　flaming　sword　of　Nick's

indignation　had　shut　her　out　from　their　Paradise；　but　there　had

been　a　cruel　bliss　in　the　pain。　　Nick　had　not　opened　her　eyes　to

new　truths；　but　had　waked　in　her　again　something　which　had　lain

unconscious　under　years　of　accumulated　indifference。　　And　that

re…awakened　sense　had　never　left　her　since；　and　had　somehow　kept

her　from　utter　loneliness　because　it　was　a　secret　shared　with

Nick；　a　gift　she　owed　to　Nick；　and　which；　in　leaving　her；　he

could　not　take　from　her。　　It　was　almost；　she　suddenly　felt；　as

if　he　had　left　her　with　a　child。



〃My　dear　girl；〃　Strefford　said；　with　a　resigned　glance　at　his

watch；　〃you　know　we're　dining　at　the　Embassy　。。。。〃



At　the　Embassy？　　She　looked　at　him　vaguely：　　then　she

remembered。　　Yes；　they　were　dining　that　night　at　the　Ascots'；

with　Strefford's　cousin；　the　Duke　of　Dunes；　and　his　wife；　the

handsome　irreproachable　young　Duchess；　with　the　old　gambling

Dowager　Duchess；　whom　her　son　and　daughter…in…law　had　come　over

from　England　to　see；　and　with　other　English　and　French　guests　of

a　rank　and　standing　worthy　of　the　Duneses。　　Susy　knew　that　her

inclusion　in　such　a　dinner　could　mean　but　one　thing：　　it　was　her

definite　recognition　as　Altringham's　future　wife。　　She　was　〃the

little　American〃　whom　one　had　to　ask　when　one　invited　him；　even

on　ceremonial　occasions。　　The　family　had　accepted　her；　the

Embassy　could　but　follow　suit。



〃It's　late；　dear；　and　I've　got　to　see　someone　on　business

first；〃　Strefford　reminded　her　patiently。



〃Oh；　StreffI　can't；　I　can't！〃　　The　words　broke　from　her

without　her　knowing　what　she　was　saying。　　〃I　can't　go　with

youI　can't　go　to　the　Embassy。　　I　can't　go　on　any　longer　like

this　。。。。〃　　She　lifted　her　eyes　to　his　in　desperate　appeal。

〃Oh；　understand…do　please　understand！〃　she　wailed；　knowing；

while　she　spoke；　the　utter　impossibility　of　what　she　asked。



Strefford's　face　had　gradually　paled　and　hardened。　　From　sallow

it　turned　to　a　dusky　white；　and　lines　of　obstinacy　deepened

between　the　ironic　eyebrows　and　about　the　weak　amused　mouth。



〃Understand？　　What　do　you　want　me　to　understand；〃　He　laughed。

〃That　you're　trying　to　chuck　me　already？〃



She　shrank　at　the　sneer　of　the　〃already；〃　but　instantly

remembered　that　it　was　the　only　thing　he　could　be　expected　to

say；　since　it　was　just　because　he　couldn't　understand　that　she

was　flying　from　him。



〃Oh；　Streffif　I　knew　how　to　tell　you！〃



〃It　doesn't　so　much　matter　about　the　how。　　Is　that　what　you're

trying　to　say？〃



Her　head　drooped；　and　she　saw　the　dead　leaves　whirling　across

the　path　at　her　feet；　lifted　on　a　sudden　wintry　gust。



〃The　reason；〃　he　continued；　clearing　his　throat　with　a　stiff

smile；　〃is　not　quite　as　important　to　me　as　the　fact。〃



She　stood　speechless；　agonized　by　his　pain。　　But　still；　she

thought；　he　had　remembered　the　dinner　at　the　Embassy。　　The

thought　gave　her　courage　to　go　on。



〃It　wouldn't　do；　Streff。　　I'm　not　a　bit　the　kind　of　person　to

make　you　happy。〃



〃Oh；　leave　that　to　me；　please；　won't　you？〃



〃No；　I　can't。　　Because　I　should　be　unhappy　too。〃



He　clicked　at　the　leaves　as　they　whirled　past。　　〃You've　taken　a

rather　long　time　to　find　it　out。〃　　She　saw　that　his　new…born

sense　of　his　own　consequence　was　making　him　suffer　even　more

than　his　wounded　affection；　and　that　again　gave　her　courage。



〃If　I've　taken　long　it's　all　the　more　reason　why　I　shouldn't

take　longer。　　If　I've　made　a　mistake　it's　you　who　would　have

suffered　from　it　。。。。〃



〃Thanks；〃　he　said；　〃for　your　extreme　solicitude。〃



She　looked　at　him　helplessly；　penetrated　by　the　despairing　sense

of　their　inaccessibility　to　each　other。　　Then　she　remembered

that　Nick；　during　their　last　talk　together；　had　seemed　as

inaccessible；　and　wondered　if；　when　human　souls　try　to　get　too

near　each　other；　they　do　not　inevitably　become　mere　blurs　to

each　other's　vision。　　She　would　have　liked　to　say　this　to

Streff…but　he　would　not　have　understood　it　either。　　The　sense

of　loneliness　once　more　enveloped　her；　and　she　groped　in　vain

for　a　word　that　should　reach　him。



〃Let　me　go　home　alone；　won't　you？〃　she　appealed　to　him。



〃Alone？〃



She　nodded。　〃To…morrowto…morrow　。。。。〃



He　tried；　rather　valiantly；　to　smile。　　〃Hang　tomorrow！　　Whatever

is　wrong；　it　needn't　prevent　my　seeing　you　home。〃　　He　glanced

toward　the　taxi　th