the glimpses of the moon-第41部分

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her　and　Nick　out　to　the　hill…side　on　their　fatal　day　at　the

Fulmers'　and　there　were　the　twins；　Jack　and　Peggy；　of　whom　she

had　kept　memories　almost　equally　disquieting。　　To　rule　this

uproarious　tribe　would　be　a　sterner　business　than　trying　to

beguile　Clarissa　Vanderlyn's　ladylike　leisure；　and　she　would

have　refused　on　the　spot；　as　she　had　refused　once　before；　if　the

only　possible　alternatives　had　not　come　to　seem　so　much　less

bearable；　and　if　Junie；　called　in　for　advice；　and　standing

there；　small；　plain　and　competent；　had　not　said　in　her　quiet

grown…up　voice：　　〃Oh；　yes；　I'm　sure　Mrs。　Lansing　and　I　can

manage　while　you're　awayespecially　if　she　reads　aloud　well。〃



Reads　aloud　well！　　The　stipulation　had　enchanted　Susy。　　She　had

never　before　known　children　who　cared　to　be　read　aloud　to；　she

remembered　with　a　shiver　her　attempts　to　interest　Clarissa　in

anything　but　gossip　and　the　fashions；　and　the　tone　in　which　the

child　had　said；　showing　Strefford's　trinket　to　her　father：

〃Because　I　said　I'd　rather　have　it　than　a　book。〃



And　here　were　children　who　consented　to　be　left　for　three　months

by　their　parents；　but　on　condition　that　a　good　reader　was

provided　for　them！



〃Very　wellI　will！　　But　what　shall　I　be　expected　to　read　to

you？〃　she　had　gaily　questioned；　and　Junie　had　answered；　after

one　of　her　sober　pauses　of　reflection：　　〃The　little　ones　like

nearly　everything；　but　Nat　and　I　want　poetry　particularly；

because　if　we　read　it　to　ourselves　we　so　often　pronounce　the

puzzling　words　wrong；　and　then　it　sounds　so　horrid。〃



〃Oh；　I　hope　I　shall　pronounce　them　right；〃　Susy　murmured；

stricken　with　self…distrust　and　humility。



Apparently　she　did；　for　her　reading　was　a　success；　and　even　the

twins　and　Geordie；　once　they　had　grown　used　to　her；　seemed　to

prefer　a　ringing　page　of　Henry　V；　or　the　fairy　scenes　from　the

Midsummer　Night's　Dream；　to　their　own　more　specialized

literature；　though　that　had　also　at　times　to　be　provided。



There　were；　in　fact；　no　lulls　in　her　life　with　the　Fulmers；　but

its　commotions　seemed　to　Susy　less　meaningless；　and　therefore

less　fatiguing；　than　those　that　punctuated　the　existence　of

people　like　Altringham；　Ursula　Gillow；　Ellie　Vanderlyn　and　their

train；　and　the　noisy　uncomfortable　little　house　at　Passy　was

beginning　to　greet　her　with　the　eyes　of　home　when　she　returned

there　after　her　tramps　to　and　from　the　children's　classes。　　At

any　rate　she　had　the　sense　of　doing　something　useful　and　even

necessary；　and　of　earning　her　own　keep；　though　on　so　modest　a

scale；　and　when　the　children　were　in　their　quiet　mood；　and

demanded　books　or　music　（or；　even；　on　one　occasion；　at　the

surprising　Junie's　instigation；　a　collective　visit　to　the

Louvre；　where　they　recognized　the　most　unlikely　pictures；　and

the　two　elders　emitted　startling　technical　judgments；　and　called

their　companion's　attention　to　details　she　had　not　observed）；　on

these　occasions；　Susy　had　a　surprised　sense　of　being　drawn　back

into　her　brief　life　with　Nick；　or　even　still　farther　and　deeper；

into　those　visions　of　Nick's　own　childhood　on　which　the　trivial

later　years　had　heaped　their　dust。



It　was　curious　to　think　that　if　he　and　she　had　remained

together；　and　she　had　had　a　childthe　vision　used　to　come　to

her；　in　her　sleepless　hours；　when　she　looked　at　little　Geordie；

in　his　cot　by　her　bedtheir　life　together　might　have　been　very

much　like　the　life　she　was　now　leading；　a　small　obscure　business

to　the　outer　world；　but　to　themselves　how　wide　and　deep　and

crowded！



She　could　not　bear；　at　that　moment；　the　thought　of　giving　up

this　mystic　relation　to　the　life　she　had　missed。　　In　spite　of

the　hurry　and　fatigue　of　her　days；　the　shabbiness　and　discomfort

of　everything；　and　the　hours　when　the　children　were　as　〃horrid〃

as　any　other　children；　and　turned　a　conspiracy　of　hostile　faces

to　all　her　appeals；　in　spite　of　all　this　she　did　not　want　to

give　them　up；　and　had　decided；　when　their　parents　returned；　to

ask　to　go　back　to　America　with　them。　　Perhaps；　if　Nat's　success

continued；　and　Grace　was　able　to　work　at　her　music；　they　would

need　a　kind　of　governess…companion。　　At　any　rate；　she　could

picture　no　future　less　distasteful。



She　had　not　sent　to　Mr。　Spearman　Nick's　answer　to　her　letter。

In　the　interval　between　writing　to　him　and　receiving　his　reply

she　had　broken　with　Strefford；　she　had　therefore　no　object　in

seeking　her　freedom。　　If　Nick　wanted　his；　he　knew　he　had　only　to

ask　for　it；　and　his　silence；　as　the　weeks　passed；　woke　a　faint

hope　in　her。　　The　hope　flamed　high　when　she　read　one　day　in　the

newspapers　a　vague　but　evidently　〃inspired〃　allusion　to　the

possibility　of　an　alliance　between　his　Serene　Highness　the

reigning　Prince　of　Teutoburg…Waldhain　and　Miss　Coral　Hicks　of

Apex　City；　it　sank　to　ashes　when；　a　few　days　later；　her　eye　lit

on　a　paragraph　wherein　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Mortimer　Hicks　〃requested　to

state〃　that　there　was　no　truth　in　the　report。



On　the　foundation　of　these　two　statements　Susy　raised　one　watch…

tower　of　hope　after　another；　feverish　edifices　demolished　or

rebuilt　by　every　chance　hint　from　the　outer　world　wherein　Nick's

name　figured　with　the　Hickses'。　　And　still；　as　the　days　passed

and　she　heard　nothing；　either　from　him　or　from　her　lawyer；　her

flag　continued　to　fly　from　the　quaking　structures。



Apart　from　the　custody　of　the　children　there　was　indeed　little

to　distract　her　mind　from　these　persistent　broodings。　　She

winced　sometimes　at　the　thought　of　the　ease　with　which　her

fashionable　friends　had　let　her　drop　out　of　sight。　　In　the

perpetual　purposeless　rush　of　their　days；　the　feverish　making　of

winter　plans；　hurrying　off　to　the　Riviera　or　St。　Moritz；　Egypt

or　New　York；　there　was　no　time　to　hunt　up　the　vanished　or　to

wait　for　the　laggard。　　Had　they　learned　that　she　had　broken　her

〃engagement〃　（how　she　hated　the　word！）　to　Strefford；　and　had　the

fact　gone　about　that　she　was　once　more　only　a　poor　hanger…on；　to

be　taken　up　when　it　was　convenient；　and　ignored　in　the

intervals？　　She　did　not　know；　though　she　fancied　Strefford's

newly…developed　pride　would　prevent　his　revealing　to　any　one

what　had　passed　between　them。　　For　several　days　after　her　abrupt

flight　he　had　made　no　sign；　and　though　she　longed　to　write　and

ask　his　forgiveness　she　could　not　find　the　words。　　Finally　it

was　he　who　wrote：　　a　short　note；　from　Altringham；　typical　of　all

that　was　best　in　the　old　Strefford。　　He　had　gone　down　to

Altringham；　he　told　her；　to　think　quietly　over　their　last　talk；

and　try　to　understand　what　she　had　been　driving　at。　　He　had　to

own　that　he　couldn't；　but　that；　he　supposed；　was　the　very　head

and　front　of　his　offending。　　Whatever　he　had　done　to　displease

her；　he　was　sorry　for；　but　he　asked；　in　view　of　his　invincible

ignorance；　to　be　allowed　not　to　regard　his　offence　as　a　cause

for　a　final　break。　　The　possibility　of　that；　he　found；　would

make　him　even　more　unhappy　than　he　had　foreseen；　as　she　knew；

his　own　happiness　had　always　been　his　first　object　in　life；　and

he　therefore　begged　her　to　suspend　her　decision　a　little　longer。

He　expected　to　be　in　Paris　within　another　two　months；　and　before

arriving　he　would　write　again；　and　ask　her　to　see　him。



The　letter　moved　her　but　did　not　make　her　waver。　　She　simply

wrote　that　she　was　touched　by　his　kindness；　and　would　willingly

see　him　if　he　came　to　Paris　later；　though　she　was　bound　to　tell

him　that　she　had　not　yet　changed　her　mind；　and　did　not　believe

it　would　promote　his　happiness　to　have　her　try　to　do　so。



He　did　not　reply　to　this；　and　there　was　nothing　further　to　keep

her　thoughts　from　revolving　endlessly　about　her　inmost　hopes　and

fears。



On　the　rainy　afternoon　in　question；　tramping　home　from　the

〃cours〃　（to　which　she　was　to　return　at　six）；　she　had　said　to

herself　that　it　was　two　months　that　very　day　since　Nick　had

known　she　was　ready　to　release　himand　that　after　such　a　delay

he　was　not　likely　to　take　any　further　steps。　　The　thought　filled

her　with　a　vague　ecstasy。　　She　had　had　to　fix　an　arbitrary　date

as　the　term　of　her　anguish；　and　she　had　fixed　that　one；　and

behold　she　was　justified。　　For　what　could　his　silence　mean　but

that　he　too　。。。。



On　the　hall…table　lay　a　typed　envelope　with　the　Paris　postage…

mark。　　She　opened　it　carelessly；　and　saw　that　the　letter…head

bore　Mr。　Spearman's　office　address。　　The　words　beneath　spun

round　before　her　eyes　。。。。　　〃Has　notified　us　that　he　is　at　your

disposal　。。。　carry　out　your　wishes　。。。　arriving　in　Paris　。。。　fix

an　appointment　with　his　lawyers　。。。。〃



Nickit　was　Nick　the　words　were　talking　of！　　It　was　the　fact　of

Nick's　return　to　Paris　that　was　being　described　in　those

preposterous　terms！　　She　sank　down　on　the　bench　beside　the

dripping　umbrella…stand　and　stared　vacantly　before　her。　　It　had

fallen　at　lastthis　blow　in　which　she　now　saw　that　she　had

never　really　believed！　　And　yet　she　had　imagined　she　was

prepared　for　it；　had　expected　it；　was　already　planning　her

future　life　in　view　of　itan　effaced　impersonal　life　in　the

service　of　somebody　else's　childrenwhen；　in　reality；　under

that　thin　surface　of　abnegation　and　acceptance；　all　the　old

hopes　had　been　smouldering　red…hot　in　their　ashes！　　What　was　the

use　of　any　self…discipline；　any　philosophy；　any　experience；　if

the　lawless　self　underneath　could　in　an　instant　consume　them

like　tinder？



She　tried　to　collect　herselfto　understand　what　had　happened。

Nick　was　coming　to　Pariscoming　not　to　see　her　but　to　consult

his　lawyer！　　It　meant；　of　course；　that　he　had　definitely

resolved　to　claim　his　freedom；　and　that；　if　he　had　made　up　his

mind　to　this　final　step；　after　more　than　six　months　of　inaction

and　seeming　indifference；　it　could　be　only　because　something

unforeseen　and　decisive　had　happened　to　him。　　Feverishly；　she

put　together　again　the　stray　scraps　of　gossip　and　the　newspaper

paragraphs　that　had　reached　her　in　the　last　months。　　It　was

evident　that　Miss　Hicks's　p