the glimpses of the moon-第46部分

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〃If　he　doesn't　see　that　I　am　different；　in　spite　of

appearances　。。。　and　that　I　never　was　what　he　said　I　was　that

dayif　in　all　these　months　it　hasn't　come　over　him；　what's　the

use　of　trying　to　make　him　see　it　now？〃　she　mused。　　And　then；　her

thoughts　hurrying　on：　　〃Perhaps　he's　suffering　tooI　believe　he

is　suffering…at　any　rate；　he's　suffering　for　me；　if　not　for

himself。　　But　if　he's　pledged　to　Coral；　what　can　he　do？　　What

would　he　think　of　me　if　I　tried　to　make　him　break　his　word　to

her？〃



There　he　stoodthe　man　who　was　〃going　to　Fontainebleau　to…

morrow〃；　who　called　it　〃taking　the　necessary　steps！〃　　Who　could

smile　as　he　made　the　careless　statement！　　A　world　seemed　to

divide　them　already：　　it　was　as　if　their　parting　were　already

over。　　All　the　words；　cries；　arguments　beating　loud　wings　in　her

dropped　back　into　silence。　　The　only　thought　left　was：　　〃How

much　longer　does　he　mean　to　go　on　standing　there？〃



He　may　have　read　the　question　in　her　face；　for　turning　back　from

an　absorbed　contemplation　of　the　window　curtains　he　said：

〃There's　nothing　else？〃



〃Nothing　else？〃



〃I　mean：　　you　spoke　of　things　to　be　settled〃



She　flushed；　suddenly　remembering　the　pretext　she　had　used　to

summon　him。



〃Oh；〃　she　faltered；　〃I　didn't　know　。。。　I　thought　there　might

be　。。。。　　But　the　lawyers；　I　suppose　。。。。〃



She　saw　the　relief　on　his　contracted　face。　　〃Exactly。　　I've

always　thought　it　was　best　to　leave　it　to　them。　　I　assure　you〃

again　for　a　moment　the　smile　strained　his　lips　〃I　shall　do

nothing　to　interfere　with　a　quick　settlement。〃



She　stood　motionless；　feeling　herself　turn　to　stone。　　He

appeared　already　a　long　way　off；　like　a　figure　vanishing　down　a

remote　perspective。



〃Thengood…bye；〃　she　heard　him　say　from　its　farther　end。



〃Oh；good…bye；〃　she　faltered；　as　if　she　had　not　had　the　word

ready；　and　was　relieved　to　have　him　supply　it。



He　stopped　again　on　the　threshold；　looked　back　at　her；　began　to

speak。　　〃I've〃　he　said；　then　he　repeated　〃Good…bye；〃　as　though

to　make　sure　he　had　not　forgotten　to　say　it；　and　the　door　closed

on　him。



It　was　over；　she　had　had　her　last　chance　and　missed　it。　　Now；

whatever　happened；　the　one　thing　she　had　lived　and　longed　for

would　never　be。　　He　had　come；　and　she　had　let　him　go　again　。。。。



How　had　it　come　about？　　Would　she　ever　be　able　to　explain　it　to

herself？　　How　was　it　that　she；　so　fertile　in　strategy；　so

practiced　in　feminine　arts；　had　stood　there　before　him；

helpless；　inarticulate；　like　a　school…girl　a…choke　with　her

first　love…longing？　　If　he　was　gone；　and　gone　never　to　return；

it　was　her　own　fault；　and　none　but　hers。　　What　had　she　done　to

move　him；　detain　him；　make　his　heart　beat　and　his　head　swim　as

hers　were　beating　and　swimming？　　She　stood　aghast　at　her　own

inadequacy；　her　stony　inexpressiveness　。。。。



And　suddenly　she　lifted　her　hands　to　her　throbbing　forehead　and

cried　out：　　〃But　this　is　love！　　This　must　be　love！〃



She　had　loved　him　before；　she　supposed；　for　what　else　was　she　to

call　the　impulse　that　had　drawn　her　to　him；　taught　her　how　to

overcome　his　scruples；　and　whirled　him　away　with　her　on　their

mad　adventure？　　Well；　if　that　was　love；　this　was　something　so

much　larger　and　deeper　that　the　other　feeling　seemed　the　mere

dancing　of　her　blood　in　tune　with　his　。。。。



But；　no！　　Real　love；　great　love；　the　love　that　poets　sang；　and

privileged　and　tortured　beings　lived　and　died　of；　that　love　had

its　own　superior　expressiveness；　and　the　sure　command　of　its

means。　　The　petty　arts　of　coquetry　were　no　farther　from　it　than

the　numbness　of　the　untaught　girl。　　Great　love　was　wise；　strong；

powerful；　like　genius；　like　any　other　dominant　form　of　human

power。　　It　knew　itself；　and　what　it　wanted；　and　how　to　attain

its　ends。



Not　great　love；　then　。。。　but　just　the　common　humble　average　of

human　love　was　hers。　　And　it　had　come　to　her　so　newly；　so

overwhelmingly；　with　a　face　so　grave；　a　touch　so　startling；　that

she　had　stood　there　petrified；　humbled　at　the　first　look　of　its

eyes；　recognizing　that　what　she　had　once　taken　for　love　was

merely　pleasure　and　spring…time；　and　the　flavour　of　youth。



〃But　how　was　I　to　know？　　And　now　it's　too　late！〃　she　wailed。







XXIX



THE　inhabitants　of　the　little　house　in　Passy　were　of　necessity

early　risers；　but　when　Susy　jumped　out　of　bed　the　next　morning

no　one　else　was　astir；　and　it　lacked　nearly　an　hour　of　the　call

of　the　bonne's　alarm…clock。



For　a　moment　Susy　leaned　out　of　her　dark　room　into　the　darker

night。　　A　cold　drizzle　fell　on　her　face；　and　she　shivered　and

drew　back。　　Then；　lighting　a　candle；　and　shading　it；　as　her

habit　was；　from　the　sleeping　child；　she　slipped　on　her　dressing…

gown　and　opened　the　door。　　On　the　threshold　she　paused　to　look

at　her　watch。　　Only　half…past　five！　　She　thought　with

compunction　of　the　unkindness　of　breaking　in　on　Junie　Fulmer's

slumbers；　but　such　scruples　did　not　weigh　an　ounce　in　the

balance　of　her　purpose。　　Poor　Junie　would　have　to　oversleep

herself　on　Sunday；　that　was　all。



Susy　stole　into　the　passage；　opened　a　door；　and　cast　her　light

on　the　girl's　face。



〃Junie！　　Dearest　Junie；　you　must　wake　up！〃



Junie　lay　in　the　abandonment　of　youthful　sleep；　but　at　the　sound

of　her　name　she　sat　up　with　the　promptness　of　a　grown　person　on

whom　domestic　burdens　have　long　weighed。



〃Which　one　of　them　is　it？〃　she　asked；　one　foot　already　out　of

bed。



〃Oh；　Junie　dear；　no　。。。　it's　nothing　wrong　with　the　children　。。。

or　with　anybody；〃　Susy　stammered；　on　her　knees　by　the　bed。



In　the　candlelight；　she　saw　Junie's　anxious　brow　darken

reproachfully。



〃Oh；　Susy；　then　why？　　I　was　just　dreaming　we　were　all　driving

about　Rome　in　a　great　big　motor…car　with　father　and　mother！〃



〃I'm　so　sorry；　dear。　　What　a　lovely　dream！　　I'm　a　brute　to　have

interrupted　it〃



She　felt　the　little　girl's　awakening　scrutiny。　　〃If　there's

nothing　wrong　with　anybody；　why　are　you　crying；　Susy？　　Is　it　you

there's　something　wrong　with？　　What　has　happened？〃



〃Am　I　crying？〃　　Susy　rose　from　her　knees　and　sat　down　on　the

counterpane。　　〃Yes；　it　is　me。　　And　I　had　to　disturb　you。〃



〃Oh；　Susy；　darling；　what　is　it？〃　　Junie's　arms　were　about　her　in

a　flash；　and　Susy　grasped　them　in　burning　fingers。



〃Junie；　listen！　　I've　got　to　go　away　at　once　to　leave　you　all

for　the　whole　day。　　I　may　not　be　back　till　late　this　evening；

late　to…night；　I　can't　tell。　　I　promised　your　mother　I'd　never

leave　you；　but　I've　got　toI've　got　to。〃



Junie　considered　her　agitated　face　with　fully　awakened　eyes。

〃Oh；　I　won't　tell；　you　know；　you　old　brick；　〃　she　said　with

simplicity。



Susy　hugged　her。　　〃Junie；　Junie；　you　darling！　　But　that　wasn't

what　I　meant。　　Of　course　you　may　tellyou　must　tell。　　I　shall

write　to　your　mother　myself。　　But　what　worries　me　is　the　idea　of

having　to　go　away　away　from　Parisfor　the　whole　day；　with

Geordie　still　coughing　a　little；　and　no　one　but　that　silly

Angele　to　stay　with　him　while　you're　outand　no　one　but　you　to

take　yourself　and　the　others　to　school。　　But　Junie；　Junie；　I've

got　to　do　it！〃　she　sobbed　out；　clutching　the　child　tighter。



Junie　Fulmer；　with　her　strangely　mature　perception　of　the　case；

and　seemingly　of　every　case　that　fate　might　call　on　her　to　deal

with；　sat　for　a　moment　motionless　in　Susy's　hold。　　Then　she

freed　her　wrists　with　an　adroit　twist；　and　leaning　back　against

the　pillows　said　judiciously：　　〃You'll　never　in　the　world　bring

up　a　family　of　your　own　if　you　take　on　like　this　over　other

people's　children。〃



Through　all　her　turmoil　of　spirit　the　observation　drew　a　laugh

from　Susy。　　〃Oh；　a　family　of　my　ownI　don't　deserve　one；　the

way　I'm　behaving　to　your〃



Junie　still　considered　her。　　〃My　dear；　a　change　will　do　you

good：　　you　need　it；〃　she　pronounced。



Susy　rose　with　a　laughing　sigh。　　〃I'm　not　at　all　sure　it　will！

But　I've　got　to　have　it；　all　the　same。　　Only　I　do　feel

anxiousand　I　can't　even　leave　you　my　address！〃



Junie　still　seemed　to　examine　the　case。



〃Can't　you　even　tell　me　where　you're　going？〃　she　ventured；　as　if

not　quite　sure　of　the　delicacy　of　asking。



〃Wellno；　I　don't　think　I　can；　not　till　I　get　back。　　Besides；

even　if　I　could　it　wouldn't　be　much　use；　because　I　couldn't　give

you　my　address　there。　　I　don't　know　what　it　will　be。〃



〃But　what　does　it　matter；　if　you're　coming　back　to…night？〃



〃Of　course　I'm　coming　back！　　How　could　you　possibly　imagine　I

should　think　of　leaving　you　for　more　than　a　day？〃



〃Oh；　I　shouldn't　be　afraidnot　much；　that　is；　with　the　poker；

and　Nat's　water…pistol；〃　emended　Junie；　still　judicious。



Susy　again　enfolded　her　vehemently；　and　then　turned　to　more

practical　matters。　　She　explained　that　she　wished　if　possible　to

catch　an　eight…thirty　train　from　the　Gare　de　Lyon；　and　that

there　was　not　a　moment　to　lose　if　the　children　were　to　be

dressed　and　fed；　and　full　instructions　written　out　for　Junie　and

Angele；　before　she　rushed　for　the　underground。



While　she　bathed　Geordie；　and　then　hurried　into　her　own　clothes；

she　could　not　help　wondering　at　her　own　extreme　solicitude　for

her　charges。　　She　remembered；　with　a　pang；　how　often　she　had

deserted　Clarissa　Vanderlyn　for　the　whole　day；　and　even　for　two

or　three　in　successionpoor　little　Clarissa；　whom　she　knew　to

be　so　unprotected；　so　exposed　to　evil　influences。　　She　had　been

too　much　absorbed　in　her　own　greedy　bliss　to　be　more　than

intermittently　aware　of　the　child；　but　now；　she　felt；　no　sorrow

however　ravaging；　no　happiness　however　absorbing；　would　ever

again　isolate　her　from　her　kind。



And　then　these　children　were　so　different！　　The　exquisite

Clarissa　was　already　the　predestined　victim　of　her　surroundings：

her　budding　soul　was　divided　from　Susy's　by　the　same　barrier　of

incomprehension　that　separated　the　latter　from　Mrs。　Vanderlyn。

Clarissa　had　nothing　to　teach　Susy　but　the　horror　of　her　own