when the world shook-第5部分

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Thus　I　was　enabled　to　sharpen　my　wits　upon　the　hard　steel　of　his

clear　intellect　which　was　yet；　in　a　sense；　so　limited。



I　must　add　that　I　never　converted　him　to　my　way　of　thinking　and

he　never　converted　me　to　his；　any　more　than　he　converted　Bastin；

for　whom；　queerly　enough；　he　had　a　liking。　They　pounded　away　at

each　other；　Bickley　frequently　getting　the　best　of　it　in　the

argument；　and　when　at　last　Bastin　rose　to　go；　he　generally　made

the　same　remark。　It　was：



〃It　really　is　sad；　my　dear　Bickley；　to　find　a　man　of　your

intellect　so　utterly　wrongheaded　and　misguided。　I　have　convicted

you　of　error　at　least　half　a　dozen　times；　and　not　to　confess　it

is　mere　pigheadedness。　Good　night。　I　am　sure　that　Sarah　will　be

sitting　up　for　me。〃



〃Silly　old　idiot！〃　Bickley　would　say；　shaking　his　fist　after

him。　〃The　only　way　to　get　him　to　see　the　truth　would　be　to　saw

his　head　open　and　pour　it　in。〃



Then　we　would　both　laugh。



Such　were　my　two　most　intimate　friends；　although　I　admit　it　was

rather　like　the　equator　cultivating　close　relationships　with　the

north　and　south　poles。　Certainly　Bastin　was　as　far　from　Bickley

as　those　points　of　the　earth　are　apart；　while　I。　as　it　were；　sat

equally　distant　between　the　two。　However；　we　were　all　very　happy

together；　since　in　certain　characters；　there　are　few　things　that

bind　men　more　closely　than　profound　differences　of　opinion。





Now　I　must　turn　to　my　more　personal　affairs。　After　all；　it　is

impossible　for　a　man　to　satisfy　his　soul；　if　he　has　anything　of

the　sort　about　him　which　in　the　remotest　degree　answers　to　that

description；　with　the　husks　of　wealth；　luxury　and　indolence；

supplemented　by　occasional　theological　and　other　arguments

between　his　friends；　Becoming　profoundly　convinced　of　this　truth；

I　searched　round　for　something　to　do　and；　like　Noah's　dove　on　the

waste　of　waters；　found　nothing。　Then　I　asked　Bickley　and　Bastin

for　their　opinions　as　to　my　best　future　course。　Bickley　proved　a

barren　draw。　He　rubbed　his　nose　and　feebly　suggested　that　I　might

go　in　for　〃research　work；〃　which；　of　course；　only　represented　his

own　ambitions。　I　asked　him　indignantly　how　I　could　do　such　a

thing　without　any　scientific　qualifications　whatever。　He　admitted

the　difficulty；　but　replied　that　I　might　endow　others　who　had　the

qualifications。



〃In　short；　become　a　much　cow　for　sucking　scientists；〃　I

replied；　and　broke　off　the　conversation。



Bastin's　idea　was；　first；　that　I　should　teach　in　a　Sunday

School；　secondly；　that　if　this　career　did　not　satisfy　all　my

aspirations；　I　might　be　ordained　and　become　a　missionary。



On　my　rejection　of　this　brilliant　advice；　he　remarked　that　the

only　other　thing　he　could　think　of　was　that　I　should　get　married

and　have　a　large　family；　which　might　possibly　advantage　the

nation　and　ultimately　enrich　the　Kingdom　of　Heaven；　though　of

such　things　no　one　could　be　quite　sure。　At　any　rate；　he　was

certain　that　at　present　I　was　in　practice　neglecting　my　duty；

whatever　it　might　be；　and　in　fact　one　of　those　cumberers　of　the

earth　who；　he　observed　in　the　newspaper　he　took　in　and　read　when

he　had　time；　were　〃very　happily　namedthe　idle　rich。〃



〃Which　reminds　me；〃　he　added；　〃that　the　clothing…club　finances

are　in　a　perfectly　scandalous　condition；　in　fact；　it　is　？5　in

debt；　an　amount　that　as　the　squire　of　the　parish　I　consider　it

incumbent　on　you　to　make　good；　not　as　a　charity　but　as　an

obligation。〃



〃Look　here；　my　friend；〃　I　said；　ignoring　all　the　rest；　〃will

you　answer　me　a　plain　question？　Have　you　found　marriage　such　a

success　that　you　consider　it　your　duty　to　recommend　it　to　others？

And　if　you　have；　why　have　you　not　got　the　large　family　of　which

you　speak？〃



〃Of　course　not；〃　he　replied　with　his　usual　frankness。　〃Indeed；

it　is　in　many　ways　so　disagreeable　that　I　am　convinced　it　must　be

right　and　for　the　good　of　all　concerned。　As　regards　the　family　I

am　sure　I　do　not　know；　but　Sarah　never　liked　babies；　which

perhaps　has　something　to　do　with　it。〃



Then　he　sighed；　adding；　〃You　see；　Arbuthnot；　we　have　to　take

things　as　we　find　them　in　this　world　and　hope　for　a　better。〃



〃Which　is　just　what　I　am　trying　to　do；　you　unilluminating　old

donkey！〃　I　exclaimed；　and　left　him　there　shaking　his　head　over

matters　in　general；　but　I　think　principally　over　Sarah。



By　the　way；　I　think　that　the　villagers　recognised　this　good

lady's　vinegary　nature。　At　least；　they　used　to　call　her　〃Sour

Sal。〃







Chapter　III



Natalie





Now　what　Bastin　had　said　about　marriage　stuck　in　my　mind　as　his

blundering　remarks　had　a　way　of　doing；　perhaps　because　of　the

grain　of　honest　truth　with　which　they　were　often　permeated。

Probably　in　my　position　it　was　more　or　less　my　duty　to　marry。　But

here　came　the　rub；　I　had　never　experienced　any　leanings　that　way。

I　was　as　much　a　man　as　others；　more　so　than　many　are；　perhaps；

and　I　liked　women；　but　at　the　same　time　they　repelled　me。



My　old　fastidiousness　came　in；　to　my　taste　there　was　always

something　wrong　about　them。　While　they　attracted　one　part　of　my

nature　they　revolted　another　part；　and　on　the　whole　I　preferred

to　do　without　their　intimate　society；　rather　than　work　violence

to　this　second　and　higher　part　of　me。　Moreover；　quite　at　the

beginning　of　my　career　I　had　concluded　from　observation　that　a

man　gets　on　better　in　life　alone；　rather　than　with　another　to

drag　at　his　side；　or　by　whom　perhaps　he　must　be　dragged。　Still

true　marriage；　such　as　most　men　and　some　women　have　dreamed　of　in

their　youth；　had　always　been　one　of　my　ideals；　indeed　it　was　on

and　around　this　vision　that　I　wrote　that　first　book　of　mine　which

was　so　successful。　Since　I　knew　this　to　be　unattainable　in　our

imperfect　conditions；　however；　notwithstanding　Bastin's

strictures；　again　I　dismissed　the　whole　matter　from　my　mind　as　a

vain　imagination。



As　an　alternative　I　reflected　upon　a　parliamentary　career　which

I　was　not　too　old　to　begin；　and　even　toyed　with　one　or　two

opportunities　that　offered　themselves；　as　these　do　to　men　of

wealth　and　advanced　views。　They　never　came　to　anything；　for　in

the　end　I　decided　that　Party　politics　were　so　hateful　and　so

dishonest；　that　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　put　my　neck　beneath

their　yoke。　I　was　sure　that　if　I　tried　to　do　so；　I　should　fail

more　completely　than　I　had　done　at　the　Bar　and　in　Literature。

Here；　too；　I　am　quite　certain　that　I　was　right。



The　upshot　of　it　all　was　that　I　sought　refuge　in　that　last

expedient　of　weary　Englishmen；　travel；　not　as　a　globe…trotter；

but　leisurely　and　with　an　inquiring　mind；　learning　much　but　again

finding；　like　the　ancient　writer　whom　I　have　quoted　already；　that

there　is　no　new　thing　under　the　sun；　that　with　certain　variations

it　is　the　same　thing　over　and　over　again。



No；　I　will　make　an　exception；　the　East　did　interest　me

enormously。　There　it　was；　at　Benares；　that　I　came　into　touch　with

certain　thinkers　who　opened　my　eyes　to　a　great　deal。　They

released　some　hidden　spring　in　my　nature　which　hitherto　had

always　been　striving　to　break　through　the　crust　of　our

conventions　and　inherited　ideas。　I　know　now　that　what　I　was

seeking　was　nothing　less　than　the　Infinite；　that　I　had　〃immortal

longings　in　me。〃　I　listened　to　all　their　solemn　talk　of　epochs

and　years　measureless　to　man；　and　reflected　with　a　thrill　that

after　all　man　might　have　his　part　in　every　one　of　them。　Yes；　that

bird　of　passage　as　he　seemed　to　be；　flying　out　of　darkness　into

darkness；　still　he　might　have　spread　his　wings　in　the　light　of

other　suns　millions　upon　millions　of　years　ago；　and　might　still

spread　them；　grown　radiant　and　glorious；　millions　upon　millions

of　years　hence　in　a　time　unborn。



If　only　I　could　know　the　truth。　Was　Life　（according　to　Bickley）

merely　a　short　activity　bounded　by　nothingness　before　and　behind；

or　（according　to　Bastin）　a　conventional　golden…harped　and　haloed

immortality；　a　word　of　which　he　did　not　in　the　least　understand

the　meaning？



Or　was　it　something　quite　different　from　either　of　these；

something　vast　and　splendid　beyond　the　reach　of　vision；

something　God…sent；　beginning　and　ending　in　the　Eternal　Absolute

and　at　last　partaking　of　His　attributes　and　nature　and　from　aeon

to　aeon　shot　through　with　His　light？　And　how　was　the　truth　to　be

learned？　I　asked　my　Eastern　friends；　and　they　talked　vaguely　of

long　ascetic　preparation；　of　years　upon　years　of　learning；　from

whom　I　could　not　quite　discover。　I　was　sure　it　could　not　be　from

them；　because　clearly　they　did　not　know；　they　only　passed　on　what

they　had　heard　elsewhere；　when　or　how　they　either　could　not　or

would　not　explain。　So　at　length　I　gave　it　up；　having　satisfied

myself　that　all　this　was　but　an　effort　of　Oriental　imagination

called　into　life　by　the　sweet　influences　of　the　Eastern　stars。



I　gave　it　up　and　went　away；　thinking　that　I　should　forget。　But

I　did　not　forget。　I　was　quick　with　a　new　hope；　or　at　any　rate

with　a　new　aspiration；　and　that　secret　child　of　holy　desire　grew

and　grew　within　my　soul；　till　at　length　it　flashed　upon　me　that

this　soul　of　mine　was　itself　the　hidden　Master　from　which　I　must

learn　my　lesson。　No　wonder　that　those　Eastern　friends　could　not

give　his　name；　seeing　that　whatever　they　really　knew；　as

distinguished　from　what　they　had　heard；　and　it　was　little　enough；

each　of　them　had　learned　from　the　teaching　of　his　own　soul。



Thus；　then；　I　too　became　a　dreamer　with　only　one　longing；　the

longing　for　wisdom；　for　that　spirit　touch　which　should　open　my

eyes　and　enable　me　to　see。



Yet　now　it　happened　strangely　enough　that　when　I　seemed　within

myself　to　have　little　further　interest　in　the　things　of　the

world；　and　least　of　all　in　women；　I；　who　had　taken　another　guest

to　dwell　with　me；　those　things　of　the　world　came　back　to　me　and

in　the　shape　of　Woman　the　Inevitable。　Probably　it　was　so　decreed

since　is　it　not　written　that　no　man　can　live　to　himself　alone；　or

lose　hims