brokeback mountain-第5部分

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　　〃November。　What　in　hell　happened　a　August？　Tell　you　what；　we　said　August；　nine；　ten　days。　Christ；　Ennis！　Whyn't　you　tell　me　this　before？　You　had　a　****in　week　to　say　some　little　word　about　it。　And　why's　it　we're　always　in　the　friggin　cold　weather？　We　ought　a　do　somethin。　We　ought　a　go　south。　We　ought　a　go　to　Mexico　one　day。〃〃Mexico？　Jack；　you　know　me。　All　the　travelin　I　ever　done　is　goin　around　the　coffeepot　lookin　for　the　handle。　And　I'll　be　runnin　the　baler　all　August；　that's　what's　the　matter　with　August。　Lighten　up；　Jack。　We　can　hunt　in　November；　kill　a　nice　elk。　Try　if　I　can　get　Don　Wroe's　cabin　again。　We　had　a　good　time　that　year。〃〃You　know；　friend；　this　is　a　goddamn　*****　of　a　unsatisfactory　situation。　You　used　a　e　away　easy。　It's　like　seein　the　pope　now。〃〃Jack；　I　got　a　work。　Them　earlier　days　I　used　a　quit　the　jobs。　You　got　a　wife　with　money；　a　good　job。　You　forget　how　it　is　bein　broke　all　the　time。　You　ever　hear　a　child　support？　I　been　payin　out　for　years　and　got　more　to　go。　Let　me　tell　you；　I　can't　quit　this　one。　And　I　can't　get　the　time　off。　It　was　tough　gettin　this　time　　some　a　them　late　heifers　is　still　calvin。　You　don't　leave　then。　You　don't。　Stoutamire　is　a　hell…raiser　and　he　raised　hell　about　me　takin　the　week。　I　don't　blame　him。　He　probly　ain't　got　a　night's　sleep　since　I　left。　The　trade…off　was　August。　You　got　a　better　idea？〃〃I　did　once。〃　The　tone　was　bitter　and　accusatory。

　　Ennis　said　nothing；　straightened　up　slowly；　rubbed　at　his　forehead；　a　horse　stamped　inside　the　trailer。　He　walked　to　his　truck；　put　his　hand　on　the　trailer；　said　something　that　only　the　horses　could　hear；　turned　and　walked　back　at　a　deliberate　pace。

　　〃You　been　a　Mexico；　Jack？〃　Mexico　was　the　place。　He'd　heard。　He　was　cutting　fence　now；　trespassing　in　the　shoot…em　zone。

　　〃Hell　yes；　I　been。　Where's　the　****in　problem？〃　Braced　for　it　all　these　years　and　here　it　came；　late　and　unexpected。

　　〃I　got　a　say　this　to　you　one　time；　Jack；　and　I　ain't　foolin。　What　I　don't　know；〃　said　Ennis；　〃all　them　things　I　don't　know　could　get　you　killed　if　I　should　e　to　know　them。〃〃Try　this　one；〃　said　Jack；　〃and　I'll　say　it　just　one　time。　Tell　you　what；　we　could　a　had　a　good　life　together；　a　****in　real　good　life。　You　wouldn't　do　it；　Ennis；　so　what　we　got　now　is　Brokeback　Mountain。　Everthing　built　on　that。　It's　all　we　got；　boy；　****in　all；　so　I　hope　you　know　that　if　you　don't　never　know　the　rest。　Count　the　damn　few　times　we　been　together　in　twenty　years。　Measure　the　****in　short　leash　you　keep　me　on；　then　ask　me　about　Mexico　and　then　tell　me　you'll　kill　me　for　needin　it　and　not　hardly　never　gettin　it。　You　got　no　****in　idea　how　bad　it　gets。　I'm　not　you。　I　can't　make　it　on　a　couple　a　high…altitude　****s　once　or　twice　a　year。　You're　too　much　for　me；　Ennis；　you　son　of　a　whoreson　*****。　I　wish　I　knew　how　to　quit　you。〃Like　vast　clouds　of　steam　from　thermal　springs　in　winter　the　years　of　things　unsaid　and　now　unsayable　　admissions；　declarations；　shames；　guilts；　fears　　rose　around　them。　Ennis　stood　as　if　heart…shot；　face　grey　and　deep…lined；　grimacing；　eyes　screwed　shut；　fists　clenched；　legs　caving；　hit　the　ground　on　his　knees。

　　〃Jesus；〃　said　Jack。　〃Ennis？〃　But　before　he　was　out　of　the　truck；　trying　to　guess　if　it　was　heart　attack　or　the　overflow　of　an　incendiary　rage；　Ennis　was　back　on　his　feet　and　somehow；　as　a　coat　hanger　is　straightened　to　open　a　locked　car　and　then　bent　again　to　its　original　shape；　they　torqued　things　almost　to　where　they　had　been；　for　what　they'd　said　was　no　news。　Nothing　ended；　nothing　begun；　nothing　resolved。

　　What　Jack　remembered　and　craved　in　a　way　he　could　neither　help　nor　understand　was　the　time　that　distant　summer　on　Brokeback　when　Ennis　had　e　up　behind　him　and　pulled　him　close；　the　silent　embrace　satisfying　some　shared　and　sexless　hunger。

　　They　had　stood　that　way　for　a　long　time　in　front　of　the　fire；　its　burning　tossing　ruddy　chunks　of　light；　the　shadow　of　their　bodies　a　single　column　against　the　rock。　The　minutes　ticked　by　from　the　round　watch　in　Ennis's　pocket；　from　the　sticks　in　the　fire　settling　into　coals。　Stars　bit　through　the　wavy　heat　layers　above　the　fire。　Ennis's　breath　came　slow　and　quiet；　he　hummed；　rocked　a　little　in　the　sparklight　and　Jack　leaned　against　the　steady　heartbeat；　the　vibrations　of　the　humming　like　faint　electricity　and；　standing；　he　fell　into　sleep　that　was　not　sleep　but　something　else　drowsy　and　tranced　until　Ennis；　dredging　up　a　rusty　but　still　useable　phrase　from　the　childhood　time　before　his　mother　died；　said；　〃Time　to　hit　the　hay；　cowboy。　I　got　a　go。　e　on；　you're　sleepin　on　your　feet　like　a　horse；〃　and　gave　Jack　a　shake；　a　push；　and　went　off　in　the　darkness。　Jack　heard　his　spurs　tremble　as　he　mounted；　the　words　〃see　you　tomorrow；〃　and　the　horse's　shuddering　snort；　grind　of　hoof　on　stone。

　　Later；　that　dozy　embrace　solidified　in　his　memory　as　the　single　moment　of　artless；　charmed　happiness　in　their　separate　and　difficult　lives。　Nothing　marred　it；　even　the　knowledge　that　Ennis　would　not　then　embrace　him　face　to　face　because　he　did　not　want　to　see　nor　feel　that　it　was　Jack　he　held。　And　maybe；　he　thought；　they'd　never　got　much　farther　than　that。　Let　be；　let　be。

　　Ennis　didn't　know　about　the　accident　for　months　until　his　postcard　to　Jack　saying　that　November　still　looked　like　the　first　chance　came　back　stamped　DECEASED。　He　called　Jack's　number　in　Childress；　something　he　had　done　only　once　before　when　Alma　divorced　him　and　Jack　had　misunderstood　the　reason　for　the　call；　had　driven　twelve　hundred　miles　north　for　nothing。　This　would　be　all　right；　Jack　would　answer；　had　to　answer。　But　he　did　not。　It　was　Lureen　and　she　said　who？　who　is　this？　and　when　he　told　her　again　she　said　in　a　level　voice　yes；　Jack　was　pumping　up　a　flat　on　the　truck　out　on　a　back　road　when　the　tire　blew　up。　The　bead　was　damaged　somehow　and　the　force　of　the　explosion　slammed　the　rim　into　his　face；　broke　his　nose　and　jaw　and　knocked　him　unconscious　on　his　back。　By　the　time　someone　came　along　he　had　drowned　in　his　own　blood。

　　No；　he　thought；　they　got　him　with　the　tire　iron。

　　〃Jack　used　to　mention　you；〃　she　said。　〃You're　the　fishing　buddy　or　the　hunting　buddy；　I　know　that。　Would　have　let　you　know；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　wasn't　sure　about　your　name　and　address。　Jack　kept　most　a　his　friends'　addresses　in　his　head。　It　was　a　terrible　thing。　He　was　only　thirty…nine　years　old。〃The　huge　sadness　of　the　northern　plains　rolled　down　on　him。　He　didn't　know　which　way　it　was；　the　tire　iron　or　a　real　accident；　blood　choking　down　Jack's　throat　and　nobody　to　turn　him　over。　Under　the　wind　drone　he　heard　steel　slamming　off　bone；　the　hollow　chatter　of　a　settling　tire　rim。

　　〃He　buried　down　there？〃　He　wanted　to　curse　her　for　letting　Jack　die　on　the　dirt　road。

　　The　little　Texas　voice　came　slip…sliding　down　the　wire。　〃We　put　a　stone　up。　He　use　to　say　he　wanted　to　be　cremated；　ashes　scattered　on　Brokeback　Mountain。　I　didn't　know　where　that　was。　So　he　was　cremated；　like　he　wanted；　and　like　I　say；　half　his　ashes　was　interred　here；　and　the　rest　I　sent　up　to　his　folks。　I　thought　Brokeback　Mountain　was　around　where　he　grew　up。　But　knowing　Jack；　it　might　be　some　pretend　place　where　the　bluebirds　sing　and　there's　a　whiskey　spring。〃〃We　herded　sheep　on　Brokeback　one　summer；〃　said　Ennis。　He　could　hardly　speak。

　　〃Well；　he　said　it　was　his　place。　I　thought　he　meant　to　get　drunk。　Drink　whiskey　up　there。　He　drank　a　lot。〃〃His　folks　still　up　in　Lightnin　Flat？〃

　　〃Oh　yeah。　They'll　be　there　until　they　die。　I　never　met　them。　They　didn't　e　down　for　the　funeral。　You　get　in　touch　with　them。　I　suppose　they'd　appreciate　it　if　his　wishes　was　carried　out。〃No　doubt　about　it；　she　was　polite　but　the　little　voice　was　cold　as　snow。

　　The　road　to　Lightning　Flat　went　through　desolate　country　past　a　dozen　abandoned　ranches　distributed　over　the　plain　at　eight…　and　ten…mile　intervals；　houses　sitting　blank…eyed　in　the　weeds；　corral　fences　down。　The　mailbox　read　John　C。　Twist。　The　ranch　was　a　meagre　little　place；　leafy　spurge　taking　over。　The　stock　was　too　far　distant　for　him　to　see　their　condition；　only　that　they　were　black　baldies。　A　porch　stretched　across　the　front　of　the　tiny　brown　stucco　house；　four　rooms；　two　down；　two　up。

　　Ennis　sat　at　the　kitchen　table　with　Jack's　father。　Jack's　mother；　stout　and　careful　in　her　movements　as　though　recovering　from　an　operation；　said；　〃Want　some　coffee；　don't　you？　Piece　a　cherry　cake？〃〃Thank　you；　ma'am；　I'll　take　a　cup　a　coffee　but　I　can't　eat　no　cake　just　now。〃The　old　man　sat　silent；　his　hands　folded　on　the　plastic　tablecloth；　staring　at　Ennis　with　an　angry；　knowing　expression。　Ennis　recognized　in　him　a　not　unmon　type　with　the　hard　need　to　be　the　stud　duck　in　the　pond。　He　couldn't　see　much　of　Jack　in　either　one　of　them；　took　a　breath。

　　〃I　feel　awful　bad　about　Jack。　Can't　begin　to　say　how　bad　I　feel。　I　knew　him　a　long　time。　I　e　by　to　tell　you　that　if　you　want　me　to　take　his　ashes　up　there　on　Brokeback　like　his　wife　says　he　wanted　I'd　be　proud　to。〃There　was　a　silence。　Ennis　cleared　his　throat　but　said　nothing　more。

　　The　old　man　said；　〃Tell　you　what；　I　know　where　Brokeback　Mountain　is。　He　thought　he　was　too　goddamn　special　to　be　buried　in　the　family　plot。〃Jack's　mother　ignored　this；　said；　〃He　used　a　e　home　every　year；　even　after　he　was　married　and　down　in　Texas；　and　help　his　daddy　on　the　ranch　for　a　week　fix　the　gates　and　mow　and　all。　I　kept　his　room　like　it　was　when　he　was　a　boy　and　I　think　he　appreciated　that。　You　are　wele　to　go　up　in　his　room　if　you　want。〃The　old　man　spoke　angrily。　〃I　can't　get　no　help　out　here。　Jack　used　a　say；　'Ennis　del　Mar；'　he　used　a　say；　'I'm　goin　a　bring　him　up　here　one　a　these　days　and　we'll　lick　this　damn　ranch　into　shape。'　He　had　some　half…baked　idea　the　two　a　you　was　goin　a　move　up　here；　build　a　log　cabin　and　help　me　run　this　ranch　and　bring　it　up。　Then；　this　spring　he's　got　another　one's　goin　a　e　up　here　with　him　and　build　a　place　and　help　run　the　ranch；　some　ranch　neighbor　a　his　from　down　in　Texas。　He's　goin　a　split　up　with　his　wife　and　e　back　here。　So　he　says。　But　like　most　a　Jack's　ideas　it　never　e　to　pass。〃So　now　he　knew　it　had　been　the　tire　iron。　He　stood　up；　said；　you　bet　he'd　like　to　see　Jack's　room；　recalled　one　of　Jack's　stories　about　this　old